write now

Sometimes — more often than I’d like to admit — that old crazy-making feeling comes back.

And I feel as though I must be crazy because there’s no other explanation possible.

I must’ve done something wrong. I must’ve messed up somewhere. I wonder what I did to upset them? Hurt them? Cause them to treat me differently?

When I can’t figure out the answers — even when I ask — then I’m left with that age-old sense that I must just be crazy. It’s all in my head, I guess.

And now I’m forced to reconcile that with this whole “I am enough” thing. And I find it impossible to believe in my enoughness when I feel crazy.

Because crazy trumps everything, you know?

Or does it?

Even if I am crazy, am I not still enough?

Dang. That’ll get me thinking…

This post feels like an infinity pool — no clear end in sight. So all I can say is the same as always — I have no answers. No conclusions. No cloud-lifting “a-ha!” moments. Just a wrestling and a commitment to stay in the tension rather than run from it.

Crazy or not, here I come.

{photo credit}

Comments

19 Responses to “write now”
  1. Andrea Garcia says:

    During a therapy session on Friday, I came to realize that I constantly draw to people/situations that have the same value in me that I have in myself. I don’t know where to begin to stop the hampster wheel, much less get off of it. Where to we begin to stop the low self worth and not-enough-ness?

    If I ever figure this out completely, I may write a book titled “The Treadmill that Went Somewhere”. hehe :)

  2. terri poss says:

    A couple/few weeks ago I tried to share a post from FB with you, but I couldn’t because, well … no need to describe why it wouldn’t work. Anyway, it was from Jeanette Clift George’s page, a post about being called. In the middle somewhere was a paragraph that essentially said, “You aren’t only enough, you are chosen.” Just wanted to share that. I’ll see if I can find a link and send it to you. Love you, friend!

  3. Renee Ronika says:

    I’m working with my band of girls to overcome the not-enough thing. I’m going to be delivered, in Jesus’ name, and I pray the same freedom upon you.

    Go there, Alece, and bring your closest Spirit-filled posse with you to get it done.

    Much love and hope and faith and support.

  4. terri poss says:

    OK, I sent you a FB msg that I copied all the post into.

    And you’re NOT crazy! All the other people are crazy! :) (You can live in Crazy Town and not be from there!)

  5. I was just talking to my sister in law last night. We both have that crazy making feeling that comes up at 3 am. I wake up, and my brain is ready to start panicking over all my life decisions. It’s like, “Wake up! You’re a failure!” :)

  6. Dre
    @
    says:

    oh my friend, I def. feel and understand the life of living between and within the tensions. I feel like I blog about that all the time. Never fully understanding why…. but the tensions become beautiful heart strings for me. I wrestle and I poke and pull and they only help to remind me that I am so human and alive and in progress still…..

    much love,

    dre -(instagram ondreeeyuh) :-p i keep changing all my names ahhah.

  7. Linda Stoll says:

    Oh Alece … let me assure you that you are enough, priceless, valued …

    http://creeksideministries.blogspot.com/2012/07/enough-already.html

    Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, dear sister …

  8. I’ve certainly been there and I’m sure I’ll be there again. But I can assure you of this: you’re not crazy and you’re definitely enough. Love you, friend.

  9. Michelle says:

    I get this.

    Choosing to stay in the tension is where, I’ve been told, the healing will come. I’m hoping so…

  10. brandiej says:

    yes!

    do you live in my life? or do i live in yours? or is it more universal than we can imagine?

    your words are so precious to me and my words just aren’t adequate to explain why. thank you, again, for sharing your heart.

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