what i know for sure
These days, there’s a lot I don’t know.
A lot.
A few years ago, things felt pretty certain. Now… Notsomuch.
In some ways, I feel like I’ve gotten used to the uncertainties. I’ve grown accustomed to all the question marks.
But they still suck.
In December I said a final goodbye to my home, my ministry, my job, my everything… For the two years prior to that, I’d already been bouncing between guest rooms, hoping for a very different ending than how things ended up.
It’s been a long season of limbo. Transition. Change.
And even the few things I’ve hazily viewed over the past few months as possibilities for the future… I feel less certain about them now than I did before.
I don’t know what’s next for me. I don’t even know how to start thinking of a next when I spent my entire adult life living my dream. And then it crumbled out from under me. To be honest, I don’t even want to start thinking of a next.
Not yet.
I am often asked questions about my current season and what’s down the road. The questions come from hearts that care, and that is an invaluable gift to me. I know I am loved and thought of and prayed for by many, and that is unbelievably humbling. I am beyond grateful.
Still, I’m left tired.
It’s not the questions I’m tired of. It’s that I’ve grown weary of not having answers.
So let me tell you what I know for sure:
:::
I am living in Southern Oregon with incredible friends. Friends who are family. Friends who are a safe place for my heart to land.
I’ve unpacked my suitcases. The Hodges had my room amazingly set up just for me — complete with a closet and a dresser and a desk. And I feel more settled than I have in a long time.
I am trying to give myself permission to just be right now. I’ve done a lot. And I’m spent. So I’m trying to just give my heart some breathing room for a little while.
Extending myself grace to just be — to not do, to not feel guilty about not doing, to not worry about what I’ll be doing next — is much easier said than done.
Some days it’s hard to simply get out of bed and put my two feet on the floor. Physically. Emotionally. Life feels hard, inside and out, and I’m struggling with my inability to see ahead. At all. But I’m trying to be okay with all my not knowing. Trying.
I am still battling my chronic health issues. But I feel hopeful — for the first time — that I might get my very own Dr. House sometime soon. And that makes things a little easier.
I am grateful for my friends and my community (you!) who have walked with me through the past few years. Like I said before, I know I am loved and prayed for. And that’s just… Wow.
I feel doubly grateful for those friends who knew me in my “before” life, and love me still. Because I feel like a very different person now than I was then. And there’s such exhale in simply being known.
I am amazed anyone at all shows up here to read the scribblings of my heart. Thank you. Truly.
God is not absent.
Not distracted.
He sees.
He knows.
He cares.
And He’s doing something about it.
:::
So I guess that means I know quite a bit more than I thought I did…
Alece your heart is lovely. I too remember that time in my life when it seemed there were WAY MORE questions than answers. To the point where it just made my heart hurt. Keep laying yourself out in the hands of the Lord. The brilliant thing is that He sees the whole picture and He will slowly reveal to you the steps forward. Keep being open to Him, to His plan and keep receiving love from those around you. He will give you dreams for the future and then He will make your future happen one step at a time. This place where you are is a hard place. I hurt with you. I trust that God has some amazing things ahead for you. Bless you heaps!
Steph xo
@gritandglory says:
thank you for your beautiful words, stephanie!
@pa3cia says:
He sees.
He knows.
and He always has our best interest in mind.
just be in His presence friend. He longs to fill you up with more of Him.
@gritandglory says:
for our good and His glory… amen.
Alece,
I knew you BEFORE the “before” that you are referring too, when that “before” was still being formed in your heart and your mind. I knew you way back then and have read about everything since and, Alece, I still love you.
@gritandglory says:
this was such a surprise comment. thank you, greg.
I’m with Greg- I’ve known you a long long time…you always were, are, and will continue to be a precious treasure.
@gritandglory says:
oh wow, kim. thank you!
The last stanza in bold is all you and I need to know.
I am grateful to have met you then, and to know you now, even if just a little bit.
@gritandglory says:
me too, amy-friend. me too.
@mat2820b says:
Oh gosh my like you.
Praying for you. I’ms so glad you’re at the Hodge Lodge. It certainly seems like a love fortress to me :)
@gritandglory says:
“a love fortress” indeed!
(and my like you too friend!)
I think living in limbo is the hardest thing to do – just knowing, more than some intellectual statement, that you aren’t in control of the future. It never seems to end fast enough. I feel like my employment has been in limbo for two years, as I’ve taken teaching jobs that are small steps toward what I should be doing, but not quite there. So another spring season comes around, the jobs are slim to choose from, and I anxiously wonder if this will be the year.
@gritandglory says:
oh wow, matt. you get it. thank you for sharing that bit of your own journey.
Praying for you. *Hugs*. <3
@gritandglory says:
thanks, jen!
The last lines are like the song that has been stuck in my head all week; Kari Jobe, I Know that You are For Me:
I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never forsake me in my weakness
I know that You have come now
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me of who You are
@gritandglory says:
i loveloveLOVE that song.
@Hannahrinehart says:
I love you. I loved you even when all I really knew about you was that you were hosting my team with Josh and Chana way back when. I loved you when you told me to keep making apple desserts because you would be my taste tester for all my new recipes. I loved that you were there for me when both my grandpas died one year after the other. I loved that you always called me “Miss Hannah” because it made this girl feel grown up, loved and charished. I love you now. I’ll always love you, Miss Alece. No matter where you are or what your last name is or if I ever get to see you again. I’ll always love you, with all my heart.
@gritandglory says:
this filled my eyes, miss hannah. and my heart. i love you!
some of the greatest healing and transformation for me came from when I learned how to just “be” – I’m really PROUD of you friend for trusting your heart to just “exist” in the moment, to savor the moments, to breathe in the sweet air of the moments, to fully live into your moments…
For truly, I’ve found that the greatest joy comes from BEING, not just from DOING. God tells us to “BE” still… not to “DO” still… so I love that you are stepping fully into your being and allowing people to embrace you in the here and now of you. Yay God for bringing you this far, and Yay YOU for embracing it friend…
@gritandglory says:
thank you, bootz! love you.
@atangie says:
I’ve been fyping that you’d reach the point where you can just be.
love you!
@gritandglory says:
i love that you just said “fyping”!
Now that we live in the same great state, I need to make a journey south to have some coffee/tea with you sometime :)
@gritandglory says:
that would be great!
So glad you’re giving yourself permission to just “be”. God is much more interested in who we are than in what we do. (Wish I could remember this for myself more often!) And real friends are the same way – they just want to be a part of your life. They love you for you rather than what you can do for them. Relax into this time of not being “on”, not performing. Just be. And let Him “be” for you and with you.
Loving you from too far away!
@gritandglory says:
ooooh. “let Him ‘be’ for you.” that’s good!
I am so glad you are safe at the Hodges (aren’t they wonderful?) and feel a semblence of being settled. I hope for your heart. I believe He does all things well, even through the shadows.
@gritandglory says:
i’ve always loved that line in that old worship song… “He does all things well, just look at our lives…” (i can recall us singing that at chapel in the cafeteria…)
Hey, friend! As you process through what you do and don’t know – you should know that Crater Lake is a beautiful place to just be. Have you been there yet?
@tamhodge says:
we’re planning on taking a trip there soon. [yes, im answering for alece =)] hopefully when it warms up a bit. right now, there’s too much snow there. but it IS so beautiful!
@gritandglory says:
i can’t wait to go!
@JCWert says:
It’s good you still have the comfort of believing that God is still doing things on your behalf.
@gritandglory says:
trying to trust in His faithfulness even when i may not see it.
What I know for sure:
I KNOW THAT MY REDEEMER LIVES!
Life sucks – sometimes more than others.
But, nothing, NOTHING can change God’s love for me!
(and you, my sweet friend)
@gritandglory says:
thank you for always hugging me, joj!
When God asked me to quit dancing, he walked with me through that. But it took a long time before I knew how to dream new dreams.
But He is faithful … will give new dreams when the time is right.
Until then, rest and patience are a sweet gift.
@gritandglory says:
“rest and patience”… yes.
@amysondova says:
I did not know that you were in S. Oregon right now. In a particularly difficult time in my life, I went to Friday Harbor, WA for two week, which is still the most restful, peaceful two weeks of my life. There is something healing about the Pacific Northwest. Rest in Him, sister.
@gritandglory says:
mmmm… love that you found Him in the PNW too!
Alece, I just want you to know that you are an encouragement to me.
Always sending love and prayers from MA. :-)
@gritandglory says:
that means a lot, jen. thank you!
@tamhodge says:
you are so fiercely loved.
thats all i can say.
@gritandglory says:
thank you for loving me so fiercely.
@tamhodge says:
the love of Christ compels me. and makes me.
@gritandglory says:
punk.
@TomMartinATL says:
Alece,
I know from my own story…this interim time was when the seeds God planted were being watered, and maybe that is the case for you.
Not being able to look ahead can also be a the place God wants you because the dreams you have aren’t censored by your expectations or limitations so…dare to dream Big and dare to dream Boldly on that blank canvas with confidence in the fact that just as God had a plan for you in Africa, He has a plan for what’s next!
Praying for your health and through this season of waiting!
Tom
trusting God period
Tom
@gritandglory says:
this was huge, tom. HUGE. thank you.
I experienced a Katrina of sorts in my life and barely have been able to come up for air. The season so far counting going on 5 years. I’m determined that this is the year of walking into my spiritual harvest. I’ve cried out to God and the pain has been deep. But the healing has been gentle as God is – a wonderful father who loves you and me. God has the answers and will reveal in his own time. The “in between” time – which you and I are in – well that is where he is doing the most amazing work.
I stopped dreaming for a long time. I haven’t lived out my dreams yet – actually … I’m a late bloomer (Prodigal girl). But this I know Alece – whether you have lived out your dreams – God has new ones for you! As for me, I’m confident of this – “that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living” Psalm 27:13. Love your honesty – love the grit. God Bless – melinda
@gritandglory says:
i have always loved that verse! so fitting for this post. thank you for your heart, melinda.
@deborahhardy says:
Dearest Alece,
You were an answer to prayer today.
{{hug}}
@gritandglory says:
wow. thank you for telling me, deb!
@20BOLD11 says:
It’s always amazing to me when I see how God uses our brokenness and valley season to encourage others. I know anytime I have been in the valley I have doubted any kind of good to come out of it but God is not a liar; if He says all things work together for my good then I guess I’ll just have trust Him :)
I have been in the valley for the last several months; battling depression, anxiety, PTSD and this huge sense of restlessness and I so know that feeling of not wanting to get out of bed. But God manifests Himself through someone and gives me the strength to continue on with my day; most days a 15 month baby boy who rubs my face and wants to know why Mama is sad :)
Praise God that you have at least one (if not many) “15 month old” somewhere in your sphere of influence that is continually providing hope and encouragement and being used by God to lift you out of this pit.
I love you and am continually praying for you.
@gritandglory says:
i am so grateful every time i get a glimpse of how God is using my mess and brokenness to somehow impact someone else. God is good…
so appreciate your prayers, ayla!
@me_b says:
You are in my prayers. and hugs.
@gritandglory says:
ohhhhh thanks, michelle!
@jeffgoins says:
So, what’s the next… conference you’ll be at?
@gritandglory says:
nothing on the schedule. sadly.
@jeffgoins says:
Hmmm, bummer. Figured you’d definitely be in for Story.
Limbo stinks…..yes it does. I know I’ve been there far too long myself. Trying to move forward but still not sure where that is and also not having closure on the old stuff. I have been coming to peace more with the no closure part but I have always liked things to be put in tidy little files that I understand and there is much I still don’t understand. Okay, I’m babbling on, not making much sense……you are always in my prayers Alece!
@gritandglory says:
you made perfect sense, joan! i get that feeling of wanting closure. finality. “the end”. i’m realizing in some things, it may never come like i expect/hope it will… learning to trust even in that space…
@jeffgoins says:
Not that I believe in Purgatory or anything, but there is something fascinating about the idea of Limbo — that it can be a place of refining, where God melts away the impurities and brokenness in our lives, so that the kingdom of heaven can be more fully formed in us. I pray that this season is that for you, Alece.
@bahava says:
love you much. so so glad you found a safe place…they are ever so scarce it seems. and when you figure out this how to “be” business…let me know, i’m still working on it. <3
@gritandglory says:
not sure i’ll ever figure it out…
love you, katy!
Hi Alece, I just recently found your site and I’ve been reading a lot of your older blogs to try and “get to know you”. You ARE brave- for putting all these struggles out there for everyone to see and trusting in the Lord through it all.
Many times God doesn’t show us what’s next, or He just shows a little glimpse and not the entire plan. We’d all probably be pretty scared if He let us in on to much and we wouldn’t continue. I am sure God planned for you to go to Africa, and He probably has a plan for you in all of this, but He’s just not revealing it all. I’ve heard sermons on the story of Jesus on the boat with the apostles and the storm comes and they freak out. They freak out cause they can’t see the shore- they are half way through the journey and a storm came up and they can’t see the end point and that scares them. It’s just like the seasons and plans in our lives. It is sometimes frustrating to wait on the Lord, even more so when the questions start flowing in. But you already know He’s working in all this, so you’re already headed in the right direction.
Thanks for your inspiring posts!
@gritandglory says:
thank you so much, carla. and you’re right. i’m learning that peace isn’t in rescue from the storm but in riding it out with Christ…
This resonates in my soul tonight too. And this post, these words let my heart find a place to stop and identify with. I am really thankful for you Alece, really really thankful.
@gritandglory says:
this felt like a hug, heather. thank you!
@danielleH says:
Thanks for this post, friend.
It’s good to hear an update.
I’m glad that you know you are loved.
@gritandglory says:
i love you, yeller!
@hopefulleigh says:
The grace to be instead of do…something I’ve struggled with in certain seasons of my life. Why do we push ourselves so hard? Why is simply being, which our hearts and bodies need, associated with laziness or lack of purpose? Times of uncertainty are draining and it sounds like you are in a place that will allow you to rest and be loved on. I hope the answers or direction will soon follow.
@gritandglory says:
you hit the nail on the head. i equate “being” with laziness and lack of purpose. hmmmm…
(thank you, leigh.)
I’m gonna skip the sappy (b/c you already know I love you and how I feel) and go straight to the selfish:
I hope you hang out there for awhile! ;o) At least until July. ha! ;o)
But seriously, love you….. no matter how much you know or don’t know.
@gritandglory says:
would be fun to get some hang time with you here again!
Praying for you !
God has an amazing adventure for you I just know it.
So grateful you have a safe place to land and rest.. I know it can be hard to rest ,it is for me too. Currently I am in a resting pattern with my work ,but I try to enjoy it because there will be a time for adventure then I will sit and wonder when am I going to get to rest ? ;)
Love you friend hang in there !
@gritandglory says:
it seems so wrong that rest would be hard but it is! hmph.
love you!
Very much enjoying your blog. Glad to have discovered it! And I agree, transitional seasons can be so challenging but I think a tremendous amount of spiritual growth can happen during those times we have so many questions and few answers and when we are just not sure what’s next. Thanks.
@gritandglory says:
thank you SO much, eileen!
It’s not the questions I’m tired of. It’s that I’ve grown weary of not having answers.
—– me too. the brows furrow slightly, the head tilts, the voice softens: “how ARE you?” all i can say is “ok”, but for those who are close, i say “i hope that someday i can be more than ‘ok’ “. and, now, i feel pressured to make a plan. but i can’t. but i need to. but i can’t.
there’s such exhale in simply being known.
—–yes. they care enough to know. really know. and care more because they do.
blessings on you, my friend.
@gritandglory says:
“i need to but i can’t”… i so get that. thinking of you today, brandie.
@traceepersiko says:
here’s what i know about you, buzz…. maybe read it over and then come back when you can hear in bite sizes.
What i know, and not just think, is that you are stronger than you will ever see. you love hard when you have no love to give. you listen and give yourself presently to everyone when you have no energy to do so. you love fiercely in return when all of your wounds and hurts say not to. you have shown me a huge, refreshing, example of what it means to really persevere. you choose the hard. you choose the hard because you value everything. you have a mixy heart with the Lord, yet you still look for him, you still choose to see past the hard to where he might be. that’s no small thing.
Buzz, you are so great at being you. i know you are unsure of what you looks like, but you own you well. you wrestle openly and provide people freedom to do so by an amazing invitation. that means all the difference. you know how to be real with hard and joy. that is no small thing.
Be-ing is exactly where you need to be.
What i know is that i love you so deeply! I believe in just you.
@gritandglory says:
thank you for tighting my heart, boo! i love you.
HE is all that we know for sure. What comfort that is. Praying for healing in the ‘just being’.
@gritandglory says:
mmmmm… that is so good, kendra — “HE is all that we know for sure.” love that.
Im so happy you are where you are
your heart is being ministered to
and its a safe place where you can make it your home for now
Praying for you!
Praying for your medical stuff to, believe me, after seeing Scotts and his stuff for the past few years I know how that can take a toll on you
Let me know if I can do anything for you, your constantly on my heart and in my prayers
xoxo
@gritandglory says:
i know you and scott have been through all the questions and confusion of ongoing health issues… thank you for praying for me about all that!
I hear the voice of John the Baptist when he was in prison wondering “what’s next” in your heart right now. Always praying for you Alece.
@gritandglory says:
ooooooh that’s good, jordan. thank you!
((hug))
love you.
that’s all.
@gritandglory says:
i love YOU, fritz!
@lauraparkerblog says:
TRANSITION . . . oh, man, I hear you. That is such a hard place on so many levels and it calls us to a whole new level of trust. It’s like God allows all of our props to be knocked out from under us, leaving us with only HIM to lean on . . .
and then, and maybe only then, we learn that He’s strong enough to be our only prop in the first place.
Praying for you, from here.
@gritandglory says:
such good words, friend… thank you.
Oh, Alece, I’m so sorry I missed this post. I would hate for my not being here a few days to be interepreted wrongly. You will always have my steadfast support as you continue to navigate your “new normal.” Your Plan B.
So grateful to the Hodges for being His hands for you. *Safe* hands for your heart to land in ever so softly.
So I tagged you in a post of mine.. Just thought I’d let you know
http://exerciseofgrace.blogspot.com/2011/04/city-not-forsaken.html
@lindseyfoj says:
While our stories are not “the same”, there is so many heart and processing similarities that I connect with when you share. I am wondering what chronic health issues you are dealing with….you don’t have to answer if that is private. I have been battling something of the same over the past couple of years…possibly fibromyalgia….hard journey.
I wish I had all the wisdom for you…still living some of my FUTURE wisdom….