vacation
Some people think I’m living it up these days like I’m on an extended vacation. They think that if things are “so bad” in my life right now, I shouldn’t be laughing, drinking Starbucks, or having fun. I definitely shouldn’t be going to concerts. Or visiting friends.
Well, if this is vacation, I want my money back.
Because for every moment of joy, there are ten more of sorrow.
They don’t see me in my lowest moments, curled on a bathroom floor sobbing with a friend. They don’t know about my sleepless nights, or the times I’ve stopped mid-aisle in Target because the shaving cream or DVD or t-shirt I saw brought everything flooding back.
They don’t see the tears that catch me by surprise at unexpected moments, or the hours spent looking inward in counseling. They don’t know about the small group I joined for “people like me”, or about how difficult it actually is to face and feel and process all of this.
Life is just hard right now.
So I’m grateful for the brain-breaks and heart-reprieves God blesses me with. Because my mind stops spinning, my heart stops hurting, in those moments when I’m singing along with a band I love or laughing with a friend. And I’m thankful for that exhale.
This is no vacation.
And I’m not living like I’m on one.
Although I am still holding out for an exotic beach to spend Christmas week on… And that I would call a much-needed vacation.
@knights_lady says:
‘And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on’
@gritandglory says:
“…still i will praise You!”
we sang that in church this morning. and i belted out those words…
@knights_lady says:
Our service was around ‘What to do when your heart isn’t in it’. Most of us have been-there-done-that. You’re in the middle of it. And it sucks. And it hurts. So much.
But ‘God is a redeemer and a restorer. We need to allow Him to be both. He can redeem the past and restore what was lost. He can make up for the bad things that have happened.’ ~ Stormie O’Martian
I wouldn’t have made it through the last three years except for God reminding me that it’s all for JOY. ‘…Jesus, who, for the JOY set before Him endured…’ and I’m finally beginning to see glimpses of that hope that does not disappoint – Rom 5:3-5 and it’s all worth it. It is – I didn’t believe it…my heart just held on. And yours will too. For the joy set before you and the hope that does not disappoint.
@gritandglory says:
i’ve camped out in that hope passage quite a bit in the past few months. i’ve been disappointed by hope a lot… the only hope that doesn’t disappoint is hope in HIM. i need to not hope in anyone, anything, else. only in HIM – His character, not what He can do.
easier said than done it seems.
Love you, Alece! Go to those concerts and visit those friends, Take all those heart-reprieves that you can.
Whoever those people are, the ones who think you’re on some sort of vacation, you certainly don’t owe them an explanation.
Take the joy. And drink every ounce of sorrow.
“…rejoicing comes in the morning.”
You’ll get there.
(Hey, if I can make it, you can make it. And even though I barely made it, I still made it. And making it [re] made me.)
If there is one thing my journey has taught me, some people are blessed with just-not-getting-it. The deep seated, life-long pain of which you speak, is completely alien to them… and that’s a good thing, I suppose. There are many a times I crave clueless, too. I would trade away all this so-called resiliency and strength, that I hear about from my therapist, for complete cluelessness in a heartbeat. Fortunately, I don’t have that kind of power.
And “THOSE” people…… are idiots….. nuff said, keep doing what your doing girl!! Love ya sista!
Herbie
@gritandglory says:
wow, herbie! look at you comin’ outta hiding with this one. thanks, old friend.
@atangie says:
Yeah. As if the ark good ol’ Noah and his crew were on was a cruise liner with poolside margaritas in the evenings and shuffle board tournaments to waste the days away.
Oh, yes. As if Esther’s beauty treatments were just for the fun of it because all it really was was a reality t.v. show and if she got eliminated it was no big deal.
Uh-huh. Sure. Like Paul was just leisurely touring Asia and working a side job as a transcontinental quality control agent for correctional facilities.
Someone once told me that defending yourself is futile because the critics will always have something to criticize and your friends don’t care what you do, they love you unconditionally.
Man, I wish I had a roll of duct tape big enough to wrap around the talking heads that are trying to pull you down. Good thing God is your defender… He’ll do a much better job than I ever would.
Ok, Alece. I just wanted you to know that you are loved by me. The best is yet to come, lady.
lecey… I love this lady right here.
this nebraskan gone south american… she’s got spunk.
and she’s right.
Ditto.
Do whatever you must do to stay above the waves of despair. Be kind to yourself…and buy some earplugs.
Love you, Alece.
@gritandglory says:
duct tape! HA!
thank you for that wonderful mental picture. i’m serious.
@moweezle says:
“Those people” shouldn’t be commenting at all! You do deserve the Starbucks and the concerts and the laughter. You NEED the friends and the times of joy. I know that this is a horrible time for you, and I am sooooo glad that you are having these little breaks of happiness!!!
Vacation Schmacation. Just have as much fun as you can, wherever you can, whenever you can. You and I both know that the JOY of the Lord is your strength so take every opportunity you can to squeeze the joy out of every moment that you can.
Still praying for you and believing that God is using this time to give you rest and “restore your soul” (Psalms 23:3)
@gritandglory says:
i’m so grateful to know you and lisa are praying for me.
and seeing you both next week will definitely be a joy-filled moment. thank you for being a part of my heart healing…
Alece, Can I smack *those* people on the back of the heads?
I am sorry that people can be so judgmental. It is truly none of their business. I know you are not on a vacation. And by all means, you deserve this time to heal. I know that on the other side of this is great power, great wholeness, great revelation…. While I think you are incredible already, what will come out of this through God’s loving hand, will be incredibly beautiful. I just know it!
@danielleH says:
Oh girl…I know. I am thankful for those heart breaks that God has spaced out for you every couple weeks or so. I love you lady.
@coloraturajoy says:
if you end up with tickets to an exotic beach vacation, i’m going with you…
i’m glad for your sake that you get those ‘exhales’ every now and then. the valley isn’t ALL grim ALL the time.
Job’s “friends” spoke in their educated ignorance too. Oh they knew all the rules and behaviors to obey..what he should have done here and what he shouldn’t have done there…but I’m pretty sure that they ended up paying a pretty hefty fine for not only not knowing their friend and putting him through more distress than even God did, but also not truely knowing the heart of their God! Take one day at a time my friend, for it is all you’ve been given to do…and if one day brings you heartache and pain, then surrender it to your Father who wants to carry you through, and if another day brings you joy then rejoice and be glad that your Father loves you enough to never give you more than you can carry! I love you friend and rejoice with you that you have so many friends who love God and love YOU that God can use them to bring you days of joy in the midst of your trying times…….
@gritandglory says:
thank you, my friend…
well-said…
If you book that exotic beach… can you count me in?!
I love your other friends on here, Alece. They always say just want I want to. We should have a big Alece-loving fest someday. :-)
@gritandglory says:
you make me smile, anna! hope i can get back up to DC and cash in on a hug sometime soon.
@cassgirl says:
DON’T LISTEN.
Until that same person can walk in YOUR shoes Don’t Listen.
I am still standing at the seashore with my toes dipped have been for a year. But I am not giving up. You are gonna see God’s glory in this…. WAIT AND SEE!!!
Mend your heart with WHATEVER and HOWEVERS.
I hear San Diego is a nice place to visit in the winter.
I love you my FF… (lots)
I heard Carrie McDonnell speak this past weekend. (She was the missionary who was the sole survivor of that attack in Mosul, Iraq five years ago.) She had over 20 bullet holes and shrapnel pieces in her body… lost three of her friends and her husband… and people used to try to comfort her with non-Biblical words that *sounded* like Truth – “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” To that I say pffftttt… God doesn’t TEMPT you more than you can handle, but God does not ever say anywhere in Scripture that he won’t cause more suffering than you can bear. Sometimes – truly – it IS too much to bear. That’s when we turn to Him the most… that’s when we turn to our friends the most.
“but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:29-31
Oh Alece!!
My hearts beaks…a vacation?! This is NO vacation..but if you didn’t have friends here to love and support you how would you honestly get through the storm? We all need that support team! I love you…I know I’m far away…but I think of you and pray for you ALL the time. You are so loved..know that!
Oh my word, people say that to you?!?!?!?!! Good gracious.
Still standing watch in my little corner of the world.
Just prayed that God would give you power in your arms.
I’m astounded that anyone would think this way, let alone even voice these thoughts out loud. Lord, have mercy.
You don’t owe anyone a single word of explanation, not even on this blog. You keep holding onto Eyeore, riding on the back of Harleys, laughing so hard you can’t speak, and singing at the top of your lungs for 3 hours at a dueling piano bar. And I say go to Starbucks EVEN MORE OFTEN.
Grrrrrrrr…………………..
HUGS to you today. I’m glad you are laughing, having times of joy and faithful friends during this past year. You know they are all directly from God to help you keep pressing on.
Love- Jen
The more blows I take to the heart, the more intensely I seek comfort and the more I am comforted by the simple things. Those simple things along with God’s love sustain me. They are necessities not luxuries. I have a part time job, I live with my mom, I don’t do much with my free time, I spend a lot of my money on “me” stuff… and whatever anyone else sees I know these things have been my only defense against falling apart.
You need the laughter and the joy… the moments that renew your heart and keep it alive. Don’t let anyone else make you feel guilty for those moments.
I love you Birdie.
@chrystieecole says:
Still praying for you, girl. Enjoy the moments of joy and reprieve. Rest in the breathers. Gain strength in those moments and draw closer to Him. He will be your strength. Healing will come.
I like what Michelle said about the waves of despair.
“Do whatever you must do to stay above the waves of despair.”
Every laugh, ever smile, is like a life raft keeping your head above those waves.
Doing things that make us laugh and smile are necessary parts of the prescription to help get past depression.
Anyone who thinks that being depressed is in any way like being on a vacation is pretty clueless. When they come around put on the earplugs as Michelle suggest.
The only Island I can afford to travel to is nearby Long Island. I am not sure there are any parts that could be described as exotic, but I do have one very caring friend who comes from there.
I wish I could have slapped them and told them to back off before they even got to you. Vacation…more like a long healing process. Love you. Praying for you all the time.
You know my motto: Choose Joy. If you can find a piece of it in the midst of despair, hold onto it. All those times you go out even when you don’t feel like it… that is you trying to heal yourself, trying to rejoin the world, trying to not just live again, but FEEL like living again. There is something to the saying “Fake it ’til you make it.” The more you live normal, the more you’ll feel normal… but we all know that’s hard to do. That’s part of the journey, honey, and anyone who thinks you’re living a party has obviously never lived in despair. I’m so proud of you for putting one foot in front of the other everyday, I’m proud of you for stepping out in faith, and I’m here for you whether you want to be on the floor in the bathroom or dancing at a concert. I love my sassfrass either way :)
@gritandglory says:
you brought tears to my eyes, fritz. i love you.
Don’t have time to read all the comments but I’m pretty sure all your g&g peeps would agree your life is no vacay right now. I say live it up as much as you can, you more than deserve it. Love you!
Wow. I am so sorry. I hope that Target can once again become a place of wonder and amazement for you.
In all seriousness….
I think that when people don’t understand a situation (and I don’t know if any of us really can) they say things and judge and blame and put their opinion out there because they want to control a situation that really – they have no business controlling or having an opinion about. I am totally guilty of this – even though I try not to but/when I find myself gossiping or thinking judgmental whatevers.
Dang.
I heart you and I am so sorry you are hurting.
Oh I guess that is what everyone said. Good. I’m glad we all agree! Love you!
Don’t you just love people who assume things because you share a few thoughts on the computer? Perhaps they’re just jealous because God has granted you an ability to share profound truths with so few words, with deep kindness and abiding & apparent love for the Lord. I don’t know a single thing you’re going through – I could guess & assume but honestly – in the grand scheme of things – does it really matter? A sister in Christ who is hurting – do I need to know more to pray for you? Do I need to know more to check in on occasion and perhaps comment because you have yet again got me thinking about something? Should I worry how God shares His message with us, or just rest in that He cares enough to do it? Do I care what He has you doing beyond knowing you are focused on keeping your eyes on Him? Someone is always going to complain & criticize. Keep your head up & remind yourself you are a princess – the daughter of a King. Try not to care a whit beyond what He thinks! Praying you get that vacation to whatever beautiful, warm, sunny island you’d like to go to soon!
@gritandglory says:
AMEN!
Love you sweet sister! Praying for joy abounding …
Oh, Duch.
You’re much more deserving of your “title” than I. You amaze me.
Keep calling the plays, and I’ll be your D-line when I can. (How’s THAT for a football analogy!?)
I love you for always.
@bahava says:
Thanks for sharing your heart, Alece! I am right there with you with cherishing and being so grateful for the few times that I can exhale. And it’s so true that others don’t see the whole picture–they don’t always see the tears, the hurt, the sleepless nights, the struggle. Thanks for being honest and real–I needed to read this today.
@gritandglory says:
i don’t take your comment lightly, katy. thank you for sharing your heart.
i wish……you didn’t cry on the bathroom floor
i wish……you had restful night
i wish……you could drink starbucks by the gallon
i wish…… you laugh, laugh harder, and have fun with those you care about and who care about you.
i wish…….those people had kept their comments to themselves, or even better, not had them at all.
there’s my wish list!
@gritandglory says:
thank you, my friend.
People just have no idea, do they?