too paralyzed to speak
I didn’t tell a soul. I couldn’t.
I felt paralyzed.
The shame and embarrassment alone made it near-impossible for me to utter a word about my husband’s affair. But added to that was my role as the head of a ministry. I didn’t know who I could turn to for help, when most everyone I know is connected to Thrive in some way.
Shame muted me.
Pride froze me.
Fear paralyzed me.
I finally confided my suspicions in two friends. They made me feel less crazy, less invisible. They prayed with me and for me, and kept me breathing when I didn’t want to.
I eventually sent one email to a pastor friend. Even though I was deathly afraid that it could affect his support of our ministry, I was desperate. My email was vague, hinting at trouble in our marriage. He responded and said he’d pray. And then he never mentioned it again.
Somehow that reinforced the message inside that I needed to keep my mouth shut.
I know now how foolish that was. With the benefit of hindsight, I so wish I’d spoken up. I regret not pushing past my own paralysis and actively seeking more help.
My deep regret heaped more shame on top of me. I blamed myself because I imagined things would have been very different had I actually spoken up. When I told my counselor how I felt, he told me that nothing I could have done would have yielded a different result.
I immediately dismissed him. I rolled my tear-filled eyes and shook my head. I told him there are too many hypotheticals for him to be certain of that.
He told me that maybe I could have done something that would have affected the situation—I could have somehow forced the relationship to end. But none of those efforts would have changed Niel’s heart—because that’s a choice he needs to make on his own.
“Nothing you could have done would have yielded a different result because this is about Niel’s character and issues, not yours.”
It took me several weeks, but I finally began to see the truth in what he said. And it brought such freedom to my heart.
My entire life I’ve thrown myself under the bus, carrying the blame for anything that doesn’t work out as it should. If someone doesn’t take responsibility for their wrong or the hurt they’ve caused, I take it on myself. But I’m learning to only own what’s mine to own.
And this is not mine to own.
That doesn’t mean I don’t wish I’d done things differently. It doesn’t mean I did everything right. I definitely acknowledge and take ownership of my personal failures and shortcomings. My sin. I take responsibility for the things I’ve done wrong. I’ve repented and am working on correcting my heart issues so I don’t repeat the same patterns of sinfulness.
I take full responsibility for my decisions and actions. But I don’t need to carry the weight of shame for someone else’s decisions and actions.
Easier said than done.
But every day my heart is more free than the day before.
@atangie says:
My moleskine heard some phrases the other day. I wonder what you think about them.
There is a martyr’s death. I wonder if there is a martyr’s suicide. We have been blatantly accused of a martyr mentality. I wonder is something wrong with me or the way I think
@20BOLD11 says:
This reminded me of the scripture “Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is liberty.”
Praise God you are experiencing His liberty and freedom. The truth has a way of doing that.
Praying for you continually.
@mandythompson says:
Wow, Alece. You really are bringing on the truth here. I know it must feel like you’ve peeled back the skin and left your heart exposed. But there is such strength in your story. Such strength in you letting all this out.
Thank you for sharing this so deeply with us.
@gritandglory says:
it feels VERY exposing. it’s hard for me. therapeutic, yes. but still crazy hard.
@danielleH says:
mandy’s totally right, friend. the more of your story that you reveal, the stonger and the more glorified God is in your heart.
i know no amount of you hearing “do not be ashamed” will actually help…but be encouraged. you are showing how He can be strong in a broken situation and heart.
@gritandglory says:
“the more glorified God is” — that is SO my desire!
“but every day my heart is more free than the day before.”
i seriously almost stood up to give you a standing ovation. i just wish i had words big enough to tell you how proud i am.
@nateonamission says:
Every day is looking more up! I’m so happy that I know you! It’s so awesome to see you grow more and more! Greater things are yet to come. He is the God of this city and your heart!
Your counselor sounds awesome… so glad he/she brought reality home to you. You are not to blame. I too feel like everything that happens is all my fault. I can totally understand why you felt that way.
I am here supporting you as you share your heart. I just want you to know that. {{{HUGS}}}}
@gritandglory says:
if my counselor is the only reason God has me in atlanta for this season, it’s so worth it. he has been just what i needed.
“But I’m learning to only own what’s mine to own.”
thanks, i needed to hear that.
I am so proud of you, alece. for looking the lies in the eye to saying “No!”
@etsetara says:
hey sister,
i am wordless as i continue to read your story. thank you for trusting and being real.
you know we love you – dearly.
this post reminded me of an article i read recently by mark driscoll. i struggle with taking on others’ burdens as well, but this definitely helped me see things a bit differently.
http://theresurgence.com/concern-responsibility
much love, thoughts and prayers – and i hope to catch up with you soon.
-tara lee
@gritandglory says:
that article summed up so perfectly what my heart has always wrestled with. thank you, tara!
i’d still love to hear from you. email me when you can.
For a time, you wish that something, anything, would have changed the eventual result. Then one day, you’ll explain what happened to some random hurting soul and you will leave out the “but I”. First you only leave it out of what is actually spoken, saying it just to yourself. It takes longer to stop thinking it, to stop justifying how you were not worth loving. Yet another lie. You are. You ARE worth loving. And if he loved you the way he was meant to love, his choices would have been different. That one took me years, and I still struggle but I’m learning.
Relationships are so hard, but they require two my dear. Two active, willing, participants. You tried to draw him into working, into truth, into honesty, into wise counsel. He refused. Though it doesn’t take away the ache it changes where and how it hurts to a degree. There is freedom, eventually, when you fling off the rock of insecurity regarding your womanhood. Keep striving dear, you are making marvelous progress. Let Him show you how He see’s his daughter, not through the tainted eyes of an adulterer but through the eyes of a loving Father.
Praying.
@gritandglory says:
“justifying how you were not worth loving”… i still do that.
i still wrestle with thinking and feeling that i’m unlovable. unwantable. because i’m not worthy to be loved or wanted.
but i’m wrestling with it at least. which is more than i was doing a year ago.
I read a book called Captivating. That was good, hard because I had to get past the “marriage” mentality but it helped me put a new spin on my heart.
Then one day my sister was listening to my perspective of me, and she said something that haunted. “Oh how that must ravage Daddy God’s heart”.
I never thought about HIS view of my view of me :) Eventually, it worked further down in me. Though I’m still often startled by love. There are a lot of years to undo, so like you I celebrate that it occurs to me to fight.
@gritandglory says:
“i’m still often startled by love.”
me too. you said that so well.
@etsetara says:
this also came to mind…
{Eustace being undragoned}
“Well, anyway, I looked up and saw the very last thing I expected: a huge lion coming slowly towards me. And one queer thing was that there was no moon last night, but there was moonlight where the lion was. So it came nearer and nearer. I was terribly afraid of it. You may think that, being a dragon, I could have knocked any lion out easily enough. But it wasn’t that kind of fear. I wasn’t afraid of it eating me, I was just afraid of it – if you can understand. Well, it came close up to me and looked straight into my eyes. And I shut my eyes tight. But that wasn’t any good because it told me to follow it.”
“You mean it spoke?”
“I don’t know. Now that you mention it, I don’t think it did. But it told me all the same. And I knew I’d have to do what it told me, so I got up and followed it. And it led me a long way into the mountains. And there was always this moonlight over and round the lion wherever we went. So at last we came to the top of a mountain I’d never seen before and on the top of this mountain there was a garden – trees and fruit and everything. In the middle of it there was a well.
“I knew it was a well because you could see the water bubbling up from the bottom of it: but it was a lot bigger than most wells – like a very big, round bath with marble steps going down into it. The water was as clear as anything and I thought if I could get in there and bathe it would ease the pain in my leg. But the lion told me I must undress first. Mind you, I don’t know if he said any words out loud or not.
“I was just going to say that I couldn’t undress because I hadn’t any clothes on when I suddenly thought that dragons are snaky sort of things and snakes can cast their skins. Oh, of course, thought I, that’s what the lion means. So I started scratching myself and my scales began coming off all over the place. And then I scratched a little deeper and, instead of just scales coming off here and there, my whole skin started peeling off beautifully, like it does after an illness, or as if I was a banana. In a minute or two I just stepped out of it. I could see it lying there beside me, looking rather nasty. It was a most lovely feeling. So I started to go down into the well for my bathe.
“But just as I was going to put my feet into the water I looked down and saw that they were all hard and rough and wrinkled and scaly just as they had been before. Oh, that’s all right, said I, it only means I had another smaller suit on underneath the first one, and I’ll have to get out of it too. So I scratched and tore again and this underskin peeled off beautifully and out I stepped and left it lying beside the other one and went down to the well for my bathe.
“Well, exactly the same thing happened again. And I thought to myself, oh dear, how ever many skins have I got to take off? For I was longing to bathe my leg. So I scratched away for the third time and got off a third skin, just like the two others, and stepped out of it. But as soon as I looked at myself in the water I knew it had been no good.
“Then the lion said – but I don’t know if it spoke – ‘You will have to let me undress you.’ I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty nearly desperate now. So I just lay flat down on my back to let him do it.
“The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I’ve ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off. You know – if you’ve ever picked the scab off a sore place. It hurts like billy-oh but it is such fun to see it coming away.”
“I know exactly what you mean,” said Edmund.
“Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off – just as I thought I’d done it myself the other three times, only they hadn’t hurt – and there it was lying on the grass: only ever so much thicker, and darker, and more knobbly-looking than the others had been. And there was I as smooth and soft as a peeled switch and smaller than I had been. Then he caught hold of me – I didn’t like that much for I was very tender underneath now that I’d no skin on – and threw me into the water. It smarted like anything but only for a moment. After that it became perfectly delicious and as soon as I started swimming and splashing I found that all the pain had gone from my arm. And then I saw why. I’d turned into a boy again. You’d think me simply phoney if I told you how I felt about my own arms. I know they’ve no muscle and are pretty mouldy compared with Caspian’s, but I was so glad to see them.”
“After a bit the lion took me out and dressed me –“
“Dressed you. With his paws?”
“Well, I don’t exactly remember that bit. But he did somehow or other: in new clothes – the same I’ve got on now, as a matter of fact. And then suddenly I was back here. Which is what makes me think it must have been a dream.”
“No. It wasn’t a dream,” said Edmund.
“Why not?”
“Well, there are the clothes, for one thing. And you have been – well, un-dragoned, for another.”
“What do you think it was, then?” asked Eustace.
“I think you’ve seen Aslan,” said Edmund.
The Voyage of the Dawn Treader – Chapter 7
@gritandglory says:
“Then the lion said – ‘You will have to let me undress you.’”
that is so my desire. i want HIM to undress me from all the shame and brokenness i wear, and redress me in nothing but Him.
reminds me of gen. 3:21…when God dressed adam and eve.
Tara, that was gorgeous. I cried. Thank you.
@cassgirl says:
I don’t know about anyone I am so dangnabbit mad at the pastor!
Why didn’t he ask more questions? Why didn’t he prod?
But then… Maybe he couldn’t. ………………….. God knew …. His plan.
Keep breathing FF, don’t allow the paraylsis to come back , push through this. I know you are day to day, sunrise to sunset….
I am like Gitz standing on my feet giving you an ovation, but more ….
Giving a Big God Ovation.
I love you!
@gritandglory says:
i was worried about leaving in that bit about the pastor. because i don’t blame him. i sincerely don’t. i was disappointed and hurt, but looking back now i know i really didn’t give him much to go off of. i understand that he didn’t really get what i was talking about or know how to respond as i may have needed him to.
i love you.
There are so many lessons to be learned from your story, both for people going through this kind of situation as well as Pastors dealing with people hurting in this way. I think it’s a common trait in humanity to want to keep our hurts and shames bottled up inside. By sharing what you’ve went through you’re giving others in the same boat the courage and permission they need to find help and healing.
Thank you for your honesty.
@gritandglory says:
i’m already seeing that transpire in the comments of my posts. and i love it. God is so good.
“said he’d pray. And then he never mentioned it again.”
That felt like a gut punch when I read that. I know what you are saying. I know because that is exactly what I faced. It got worse from there. “Leadership’s” next step was to declare me “off-balance”, “damaged”, and other things I will not repeat. First no response, and then a personal attack. Then more silence.
Alece, I am so sorry. When are ministry leaders going to realize that when we risk everything to ask for help, it is because we need help – not just a general prayer once?
I think the pain that lingers the most from what I went through is almost just as much from the people who sat and did nothing. Who let me cry until even I doubted my own sanity and still did not respond. Who blamed me and said, “well, she drove him to do this”. He is not like that with anyone else, so it must be her fault.
It was with me also, one or two friends who kept me breathing. Who told me I was not insane and I was not responsible for his choices.
@gritandglory says:
some very close to me have said i drove him to it. i know now that that’s a lie. although there are days i still hear that message loud and clear in my ears. but they aren’t as often as they used to be.
@rfbryant says:
I have a suggestion. Write down the truths to answer those lies. There will come days when you’ll hear and succumb to the beat down if you don’t have them — or a friend who will be a ruthless advocate and speak them into you. Best to learn them on your own, because even the best of friends sometimes aren’t able to be there.
Go through that long list of lies and write the truth about each one. On an index card, in a notebook, whatever. Then keep it/them close. When hormones hit and lies attack full force, pull that out and speak — out loud — the truth. And praise. Out loud. Praise! Because the one who wants to defeat you can’t stay in the presence of the praise of Jesus!
@gritandglory says:
i need to do this. thank you for suggesting it…
I am so, so glad you know that. That one thing is huge. Huge because it’s a king-pin in the enemy’s plan to victimize. Knock that one out, and many more things cannot remain standing.
You know, I was watching a movie this week, and while watching stories came back to me that I have heard over the years. How there were insane asylums for women which kept them locked away and completely out of sight of the public (around a century ago), and how one woman made it her mission to expose the injustices done to these women who were locked away as ‘insane’ on groundless reasons. It suddenly occurred to me … these women were abused. And the lie was accepted and believed to such a degree that they were physically locked up and every reputable voice in the world except their own declared them insane. How diabolical. Even that is not a strong enough word. satanic. It has the most twisted face of the blackest evil.
There will be hell to pay.
Oh I love you. And this is not yours to own….and I AM proud that you are talking through this. Talking will help you heal and move forward, not backward. And I am so glad that everyday your heart becomes a little feer. I AM proud that I know you…and I call you friend.
@moweezle says:
Absolutely, ALece! Absolutely. I’m so glad you said those words…. You DONT need to carry the burden of his choices and actions.
@danielleH says:
What’s been amazing to me about this week here is that in your honesty you are indirectly calling other people out on some things. Offering warnings of what the same mistakes can cause – not speaking up, taking too much on.
How so soon after this has all been made public, because of your humble heart in letting God teach and heal you and your willingness to be vulnerable…that so many will be ministered to and set free, even as you are still recieving healing.
@gritandglory says:
thank you SO MUCH for saying this, friend.
hey, deja vu! So proud of you.
I think today’s post feels like a gut punch more than the others, even. Because the thought of you feeling that alone for so long with nowhere to turn wrenches my heart terribly. I’m reminded of Ruth Graham, Billy Graham’s daughter’s book, In Every Pew Sits A Broken Heart. :(
I’m having so many thoughts. There’s so many lessons we can all learn here. So many facets to it all.
@gritandglory says:
the loneliness was so crushing. at times it still is…
i am so grateful for your prayers. and love. and friendship.
I just wanna say “WOOT”
This is huge compaired to when I first talked to you about this!
This is a huge jump is the right direction!
I read this and get so excited for you!
@gritandglory says:
thank you for helping me look back and see just how far i’ve come. when my eyes are set just on the next step in front of me, it’s hard to remember that i’ve actually made progress.
I am proud of you Alece….
and praying for continued healing
love,
Storie
@mjdagenhart says:
I love your counselor for saying that. It’s exactly what I was thinking.
There are so many things to be learned from your story. I’m proud of you for having the strength and courage to expose yourself…to allow people to love on you and to better love on people in similar situations. Even through your pain and struggles, you are ministering to others. Truly amazing.
Love you.
Ugh. I can’t stand the thought of someone feeling so alone and yet I know that so many reading this – myself included – have been haunted by that same feeling of “but what will people think?”. Satan works so hard to make us feel alone and isolated yet when someone secretly stores up strength against the lies and eventually gets to the point where they can share their story with others – as you are doing now – what is often uncovered is that we’re all, in one way or another, a hot mess. We’ve all got outstanding hurts and struggles and the worst thing we can do is to try to keep it hidden. Becuase it’s in embracing the hot mess and letting go of what others might think that such amazing freedom can be found…. and better yet, that we can begin to feel our Dad’s intense love for us in a new and rock.my.world way… my prayer is that He’s overwhelming you with it :-)
“I’m learning to own only what’s mine to own” – I think I need that printed on a t-shirt. How natural it seems to try to excuse someone else and take the fall for them. And how strongly those little excuses over time can wear one down.
Alece, you are brave to not only share your last few years but to have a bunch of backseat drivers weigh in on it. I hope that in the peeling back of your many bruised and stunningly beautiful layers you don’t just feel vulnerable but loved and adored by those “around” you.
@gritandglory says:
opening myself up to not just share my raw, exposed heart but to be on the receiving end of everybody’s two cents HAS been hard. thank you for seeing that. for acknowledging it. for calling it brave.
@rfbryant says:
And one last word before bed – it’s only taken oh, about 49 years to learn this one deep inside me:
“Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.” Galatians 1:10 NLT
I wrote this on about 10 index cards and put them all around the house, in my car, checkbook, purse, etc.
How awesome and terrifying to know that when we stand before Christ we are accountable for our sins and not anyone else. I was so good at blaming me for everything. I say I’m sorry when no one knows why half the time. UGH.
I LOVE what your counselor told you. What a wonderful, wonderful sentence full of healing words. I pray God is pouring healing on your heart.
As I read your blog, I can’t help but think…This is EXACTLY how I felt. And I still struggle with the same thoughts. But there is NO blame nor shame in Christ Jesus. He’s healing your heart and you’re responding by releasing IT all. Your thoughts are beautifully written and inspiring…I’m praying for you.
If I may … given the volume of things you’ve faced and walked through … you are going at an incredible rate of speed. You’re full-out running. I know it may seem to be rather the reverse of that … but in the scheme of humanity, the things you are facing and dealing with – infidelity, abuse, the break-up of a marriage … and all of these (and I’m sure more) compounded with the fact that you’re the head of a ministry – the fact that it has only been a little more than a year of hard-core, head-on, “face it now” press … the place where you’re at is incredible. You are charging ahead, and there is such courage and boldness in that. I know, I know … I’m on the outside looking in … and I know the view from the inside is very different. But from an objective observer who doesn’t feel the effort and strain of each excruciating step forward … you’re a champion.
@gritandglory says:
thank you for telling me what you see in me from your perspective. i feel like i’m barely inching forward, so your encouragement means a lot.
@bahava says:
“But I don’t need to carry the weight of shame for someone else’s decisions and actions.”
Amen!
Thank you so much for speaking up now and shedding light in so many areas of darkness for myself and others. Still praying for you!
@tamhodge says:
“But I’m learning to only own what’s mine to own.”
wow. that is one powerful statement, alece. so much wisdom in those words.
The depth of wisdom you are gaining through this is Amazing. And your ability to share it with us is incredible.
I am so sorry for what had happened. And I promise to never be a Pastor, like the one in your story.
@gritandglory says:
“and i promise…”
thank you, brent.
Hey Alece, I know it’s been many years since we’ve connected, but I heard about what happened recently, and just caught up on your posts. I don’t know what to say other than you have my sincere support and prayers. You are wise to embrace the truth of not owning what is not yours and I know that God is active in the most difficult and dark of places. You will rise from all of this with a story of his redemption and grace, and I am confident He will restore what has been stolen and broken in your life. I know I sound almost cliche but it’s the truth. I hope you can feel some small encouragement even from someone as far flung and distant as me! ;)
@gritandglory says:
wow, ryan. this was a surprise.
thank you…
None of this is your fault and none of this is in vain either. As the phoenix rose from the ashes, so will you rise with a new strength, a new passion, a new annointing which will touch the lives of many others and will ultimately bring great praise and glory to God.
What you have experienced will become the catalyst that will reap much fruit in God’s harvest. Make no mistake about this. There is a purpose in all of this and if you continue to trust the Lord in the middle of your pain and your brokenness, you will be astounded at how far He will take you, when you look back on it in years to come.
I continue to pray for you.
God bless you and keep you.
Mercedes @ http://www.ransom33.wordpress.com
Friend, as I read this and my mind raced back to those moments that I saw you paralyzed and unmoving in the aftermath of the truth… I have tears streaming (again). I will never, ever forget how palpable and deep that hurt is/was. So much so that in those moments it left me mute too- with no words, only arms to hold you. I’m so thankful I was there- but still so sorry for what you’ve had to face. Kitty, you have come so far… actually, I should rephrase… I see in the telling of your story how far God has brought you… and for that, my heart dances.
I’m so proud of you for knowing that the actions that lead to so much pain and loss are not yours to own. That’s huge friend. HUGE.
I love you.
@gritandglory says:
i was a big hot mess today. and cried through your entire comment.
i miss you.
Isn’t it so true that we take on responsibility that is not our own …. we try to do what is God’s, taking the rap for others behavior and choices, for the outcome in their life, for the process of change we have defined as ‘Godly’.
What a relief to give that job back to God and to love folk where they are at …. mess and all.
I’m so proud of you friend! Thank you for being so transparent. For while it is helping you, it is helping me too…. It is amazing the way our Father works! Taking something that was meant for evil and in your healing, forgiveness, and love you are helping others to heal and pointing the way to Him! I love you!
“I was desperate. My email was vague, hinting at trouble in our marriage. He responded and said he’d pray. And then he never mentioned it again.”
This reminds me of a conversation I had last spring with a self-proclaimied “pastor”–with one significant exception: I had told him quite pointedly that I had lost three people to suicide in three years. Then added, “Imagine a pain so great dying is easy. That’s called ‘suicide’. I’m getting there. And I don’t want to.”
And then, well, he just kind of shrugged and said we would finish the conversation later. He had said that he had plans that evening, but afterwards he spent most of the night talking about people who talk for a living. I felt like an invisible child, my quest for hope denied because radio and television talk shows held more interest to him. My sunglasses hid my tears that night. We never finished that conversation later and he never invited me back. Needless to say, I have not lost any sleep over that.
And I will never forget how grateful I was to get back to that abandoned trailer–one of many homes since I had run away from my grief. But I played a game of cards with a Misfit, maybe ate a Twinkie, possibly had a root beer float, went to bed on a dingy mattress, and had bugs gnawing at me all night…
…and it was still better than being in that self-proclaimed pastor’s house.
(Misfits are never short on love.)
@genthoughts says:
Wow, I can identify with every word I’ve read so far. 2007 – I didn’t tell anyone for the longest time. I eventually confided in my bishop; he and his wife were supportive beyond belief, guiding me through the journey. I didn’t tell my family until the very, very end. I couldn’t, for some reason.
@chuckazooloo says:
i swear you have been reading my journals. my friend and my couselor keep telling me that there is nothing I could have done to change her heart. i keep thinking if only i had done this differently. if only i had tried harder. wow. your story is giving me hope.