till someone else comes along
When Niel’s affair came to light at the end of last year, I fell apart.
There are gaps in my memory of that week—parts I honestly can’t even remember. What I do remember is this: I punched my husband. I cried uncontrollably. I spent hours unable to breathe.
I remember knowing that, in spite of my world crashing around me, I wanted to work through this. I didn’t know how, but I wanted to forgive Niel. I wanted restoration in our marriage.
So I came to the States to see a counselor, and asked Niel to follow a month later to begin joint counseling. He came, but his heart didn’t seem to be in it. He was distant, unapologetic, and disengaged from the process. It seemed evident that his mind was already made up. So I knew before he told me. But on that bitter cold day in March when he finally put words to what his actions had been saying all along—that he was leaving me—I fell apart yet again.
A layer of pain buried 9 years deep rushed to the surface. This wasn’t my husband’s first infidelity.
Twice I had chosen, by God’s grace, to forgive. To ask God to restore and reconcile. Twice. And yet Niel still made the choice to leave.
His “till death do us part” really meant “till someone else comes along”.
His decision left me completely broken. I’ve since struggled with feeling unlovable and undesirable. Not enough. Not worth fighting for. Easily discarded. More replaceable than keepable.
While cognitively I know those are lies, when someone leaves me after making a vow that they won’t, it’s really hard to believe that abandonment isn’t always inevitable.
I hate that it’s easier for me to believe the lies of man than the truth of God.
God tells me that I’m enough, lovable, worthy… just as I am.
And I want to believe Him above all else.
Thank you for your honesty and sharing your heart with us. Please know that you’re in my prayers, not only today, but as you continue on the road to restoration, healing, and renewal. I love you Alece and greatly respect and appreciate you.
@danielleH says:
That makes me angry, I’m sorry. You are so worth fighting for. You are nothing but wonderful and loveable and precious.
Every day on g&g and in FB status updates you amaze me with your breakthroughs, insight, healing, and hope.
It seems you have found an “exhale” the past two days, no?
@gritandglory says:
it has felt like a bit of an exhale. while the process of telling is difficult, i’m glad that everyone knows.
@lynselstevens says:
I know we have never met, though I hope to. I believe you are fighting for.
I am sorry you have to walk through this process. I am thankful you are sharing it.
Big hugs from Alabama. Maybe one in real life at some point
“I hate that it’s easier for me to believe the lies of man than the truth of God”
What a perfect summation of the whole problem of sin. Hopefully that knowledge will make us all dissatisfied all the time and we won’t give up until we put our whole faith in Him and His restoration of us to a full relationship with Him.
Having said that it is always incredible to me the way that we can take God’s greatest gifts and wreak incredible pain from them.
Praying for you and the awesome work you are doing in SA.
It’s interesting. We’ve never met in person and yet I’m having the same visceral response to your story as I would any girlfriend telling me in person. I want to punch Niel, too.
As for your point, why IS IT so much easier to believe man’s lies than God’s truth? I pray you hear and receive God’s Truth about you – and also that you are able to accept the support and love of your friends and family.
@gritandglory says:
earlier today i felt badly for evoking such strong emotions in my commenters — i thought maybe it meant i’d said too much, or wasn’t being honoring of niel. but as the day went on i came to grips with the fact that as people process the news, no matter how close they are (or aren’t) to me and the situation, they are naturally going to experience strong emotions. the truth of what’s happened is ugly. and painful. and as people express how much it’s impacted them, it only speaks to how much they genuinely care about me.
you included.
thank you, mary.
This makes me so angry….I never saw this coming for the life of me. My heart breaks for you…I will lift you up in prayer as you continue this long road…I love you..you are such an inspiration. You are so transparent…wish I could be! I pray you have strength today!
Your honesty and transparency is so refreshing.
What struck a chord with me is that you said that you hate that it is easier to believe the lies of man rather then the truth of God. Wow…. I would have to say that I can relate to that.
It isn’t your fault, Alece, that Niel made the choices he made. I am sorry he hurt you so deeply. You are very lovable. I could say a lot of things about Niel, but I am choosing to not say all the things I think. God still loves him and it would serve no purpose in speaking evil of Niel. One thing I know though is that God is speaking His will and purpose and desires for your life… those words are living and powerful and will accomplish what He set out to do… and His plan is good. (Jeremiah 29:11)
Love you
@gritandglory says:
through this entire process, i’ve sought to remain honoring of niel in how i speak about him and about what happened. i’m SO mindful of that as i write these posts as well. so i appreciate the way you did the same. thank you.
You are absolutely right. It is always easier to believe the lies. We have to remember, and remind ourselves and each other that they are lies. I pray that sharing your story will help you to heal, and that it will touch other lives. So much of what we go through I think boils down to your statement of the world’s lies vs. God’s truth. We need to see the lies for what they are, and wrap ourselves in the armor of God’s truth.
Alece,
I haven’t written since I don’t know you well, and am new on following your blog. But two weeks ago, I sat down and read from the beginning to the end of it, and I suspected this was what I would hear yesterday and today. I’m sorry. And I’m proud of you. Proud of you for keeping silent when silence was the best choice. Proud of you for speaking when it is now time. I’ve been through some really rough times with my husband over the last years, and even though now it looks good, I have lost my security in thinking it will always turn out ok, and that vows taken will be kept. Mine broke another part of the vows than yours did, perhaps less painful, but still hard.
I’m proud of you for speaking. Honestly, I thought I was all alone for a long time. The only missionary that would end up divorced. It is harder, I think for us. It involves shame, embarrassment, what people say, and also the loss of our financial income – very frightening… especially with kids in the mix. But I’ve read your honesty. I’ve talked to another woman who has been down your road – still on it. And I feel less alone. We need to be able to speak the truth – if only to make it possible for others to speak truth and be honest when they need help. And to be able to say that even if the world comes crashing down, God still sings in delight over His own. I had to learn to listen to His quiet voice singing over me in the awful depths and know that what people said was not what He said. You’ve learned that, too. And you are stronger for it, if hurt.
I look up to you. Keep going. Would love to meet you, love to be your friend. I’m proud of you and have learned from what you have written.
@atangie says:
So true, what you say, Ellie. The silence when silence was prudent and now speaking out when it is necessary are both very hard things to do. You are right to commend her for walking in grace.
I am so sorry for what both you precious women have had to face / endure / survive. I admire you both for not turning your backs on the Lord. Or, if you did, coming back to Him.
Alece, you are a phenomenal woman. Cannot wait for that hug that I will get to give you someday. I am sooooo proud of you. I love you!
@gritandglory says:
so much of what you wrote has lingered with me all day.
i was surprised to hear that you read through my blog from start to end. that amazes me. and to hear that you knew what was coming… i get that. you walk in discernment. you’ve lived it and so my words in previous posts (though ambiguous) resonated with you. i’m sorry to hear of your own situation; my heart breaks for you.
you’re so right about the added shame and impact on those in ministry. i have felt that, carried that.
“i’ve learned from what you have written.” it was completely worthwhile to share my story, my journey, just to hear you say that.
i’d love to meet you someday as well. and, i’d venture to say, our friendship has already begun.
Thanks. I must say, I was hoping my “hunch” wasn’t right, but I knew. We might meet one day. There are times that I go to Atlanta.
Its amazing to me how it is easier to believe the lies than to take the truth that God gives us. Thank you for being transparent and for sharing this. It has really helped me see some things in my own life that I need to be transparent about too. Praying for you.
I’m sure that your first reaction toward Niel would’ve been mine too. I have a different perspective then most. I met my husband 3 years after he had been through a divorce. His wife had had an affair and it destroyed their marriage. I also grew up with a dad who had multiple affairs as I was a kid. I wish those who decided to sin knew how badly they are hurting so many others.
I have a close friend dealing with the beginning stages of all of this. She is crushed. Pray for her if you will, Kristen is her name.
This reminds me of “The Voice of Truth” by Casting Crowns. “The Voice of Truth tells me a different story. The Voice of Truth says, “do not be afraid”. The Voice of Truth says, “This is for my glory.” So, with all those voices calling out to me. I will chose to listen and believe the voice of Truth.”
Love you bunches and I pray for you!!! I know all of this writing and blogging is going to help you heal even more.
@gritandglory says:
thank you for sharing so openly about how this resonates with you. and you are so right — our sin always impacts others.
so, i trust, does our healing. and faith.
I remember that pain. I remember that rejection and all those lies that satan tells. I remember. I remember feeling exactly how you feel. Some days I still feel that way. I have learned that feelings are NOT fact always. They are lies that satan tells to keep us from grabbing hold of the truth that God says. He says, “You are worthy, precious, perfect, wonderfully made, gifted and loved beyond measure!” That is the truth.
I also remember when I realized in amazing ways that God is my Heavenly Husband and that while the men in my life had let me down, He never would. He never has and He never will. He is faithful and He adores me. And, guess what, He adores you, too!
I love you Alece! You are doing great!
@gritandglory says:
He always keeps His Word. this much i know is true!
here is one big hug…
and here is a vow… you will always be my kitty.
I’m hoping that letting out your story is bringing a release so long overdue…
@gritandglory says:
i love you, kitten.
Beautiful Friend, You are in our prayers today. Okay, like everyday…but still.
I’ve been there. I have sat through those counseling appointments with the disassociated man I had pledged to live my life with not remotely caring. I have cried those tears and felt those aches and I have those gaping holes in my memories that make me wonder if I was even alive.
That was years ago now. And yes, I’m still alive. More alive than I ever was in the eight years I was married to the man I then called husband. There are still questions, and there will never be answers. That was one thing I had to resolve myself too, and probably the hardest. I would never “understand”. I had to learn to live anyway. I had to learn to battle each and every lie with His truth. I suspect it will always be a battle, but I’m remembering more often to fight.
Our Lord is big enough to carry you my dear, let Him. Some days that just has to be enough.
@gritandglory says:
i am so sorry that you can relate. that you know this deep pain. i’m sorry…
“there will never be answers”… that’s so hard for me to come to grips with. i want it to make sense; i want to understand… and yet i know i probably never will. i wish it weren’t so…
I wish it weren’t so too my dear. Yet I am grateful today that I can tell you “I hear you”. Feel free to email me, if you want to talk.
I will tell you this. The few things I did demand and receive answers too, only intensified the pain. They did not bring me the release I thought they might. They only deepened the sense that my entire life was a lie and I was nothing more than a willing victim. Ask Him to take the questions away. With some perseverance and time, He will. Or at least, He did for me. I can’t say there are never questions but they come so infrequently now it’s not the constant ache it used to be. As I continue to build “My” life those answers matter less and less.
Keep walking. One step at a time.
@Nomadstacey says:
I hope you know that my blood is boiling for you. My anger is rising as I read these words, this story…your story. I’m so proud of you for tirelessly pursuing the truth of the Father instead of choosing to stay camped in the lies. I’m also proud that you know these are lies, Alece. This reminder can only help you through this rocky journey. It angers me that his decision(s) have caused you pain, doubt, and insecurity. I am thankful for your wisdom, for your endurance, and for the example you are showing us all of a committed, struggling, Godly woman.
I once wrote that I don’t really have a problem with the truth. My problem is unbelieving the lie. You have joined the select few who genuinely know how God must have felt when he was abandoned. I’m sorry. To be desired, worthy, and pursued… you know of course, you are created in that image.
I love you. And once again, the comments here are such a testimony to just how lovable you are, how worthy of love you are. There will come a day when you will say “wow God, if you hadn’t walked me through that, I wouldn’t be able to minister like this, I wouldn’t be able to praise you in this way, I wouldn’t fully understand your love and devotion to me.” That day will come.
Love u my friend.
@cassgirl says:
my wenis are vacant from your touch…. but know that through the miles that we are apart that I am hugging your heart.
As your FIERCE friend, so many times in my mind I wanted to beat the living daylights out of the situation. But it would be fruit- less.
SO
I got up before sunrise on most occasions and prayed many times on the ocean shores the fringes of my waves, that the REAL romancer, your Bridegroom, God the Master of yours to come and ROCK your world.
FF
my eyes were huge for about the first 2.5 seconds when I read this post (I didn’t look to see who it was from….there was my first problem). LOOOOOVE HEIDI! hahahaha
“my wenis if vacant from your touch” OH DEAR LORD! heehee (who says we can’t laugh???)
@cassgirl says:
Laughter is needed in any situation and cause… miss Bran muff.
We need a banter real bad. Let’s explode this place soon!!!
WE all need it and I miss ANd LOVE you too branny!!
@mallyflip says:
Every day when I read your blog, you never cease to amaze me. The fact that you are sharing this story with us is hard right now, but being able to do this, will make the healing process so much easier.
And one thing that kinda makes me angry, is that I have met him but I have never met you. I wish that it could have been switched. One day though, we will met up and make random noises and drink Starbucks together. :)
praying for you.
@gritandglory says:
this has proven harder than i anticipated it to be. while the response has been overwhelmingly supportive, choosing such bare-nekked vulnerability is so scary for me. and honestly, as each comment comes in, i cringe just a bit — expecting to hear something harsh. bracing myself for it…
but i feel compelled. that sharing it is something i have to do. i know that a story untold isn’t a story at all. and in telling my story, i’m owning it. i’m accepting the reality that this is my life now. i still hate that; part of me still wants to fight against it even. but it IS my story nonetheless.
and it’s time to own it.
i do look forward to meeting you some day. and comparing notes on our odd noises.
and without wanting to sound preachy, i do feel like i should say this—don’t begrudge the things niel shared and poured into you (directly or indirectly). you learned through him, not from him… so don’t disregard those lessons.
if God can speak through an ass… (of the mule-variety, of course!)
@mallyflip says:
Oh yes. I will not disregard those lessons. I really learned a lot while I was at Thrive.
ps. I just laughed VERY loud in my SUPER QUIET house about the whole.. ass thing. hilarious.
I am glad to see that you arent appoligizing for Niels actions.
People will continue to be angry and shocked, as they just now are finding out..but dont let that be “your” responsiblity.
I want to continue to call him a Bastard, but God told me I cant hate Niel.. even if its what comes natural. ( I am convicted about it everytime I see your heart)
I love you. Again you are wonderful, God is using your blog for a nationwide “im not alone” realization of both cheated men and women… in this horrible situation.
@gritandglory says:
huh. that’s a significant change right there, isn’t it? i didn’t apologize for niel’s actions. thank you for pointing that out, my friend.
i love you.
@bahava says:
Thank you for continuing to share and for being so transparent. I’m right there with you standing on His promises and refusing the lies that are so easy to believe…no matter how long I have believed them or been deceived by them. They only drag us down and far away from the only One who is love:
1 Corinthians 13: 6-8
It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.
Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening]. Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end]
I can hear right where you are. Praying over the batte field in your mind and peace through out every cell of your body. Waiting for your response, so I can send you something.
love you!
I don’t know what to say, friend. I am glad you are letting it out. Loving you from back “home”…..Chardonnay
you went Rocky on Niel…..I love it! (even though i probably shouldn’t)
seriously, you are an amazing woman!
Rejection causes the deepest kind of pain. The heart is the hardest part of us to heal. You are on the road to healing.
Your God created the beautiful person you are. The more you come to believe God, the less you will believe the lies of man.
I have no words – just hope.
Even though we have never met, I wish I could hug your neck.
I pray for complete restoration – that He will bring beauty from these ashes. He’s already beginning to – you’ve impacted so many people simply by authenticity.
@gritandglory says:
thank you, elora. your comment was so surprising. and so encouraging.
Absolutely. I have no doubt God is working through this situation because I see His hand in your life & love & willingness to show brokenness. He’s not looking for perfect people – he tends to use those who, in the midst of their brokenness, look to Him.
@mjdagenhart says:
I love you, Alece.
Reading this has made me see even more clearly the depth of your pain. But, I still stand by what I said earlier that you are strong. I pray that each day it will become easier to believe the truth of God over the lies of man. I am working on that, too, and realize that the road is difficult… but it sure brings freedom. I hope that you will find the freedom in God that you need. <3
@coloraturajoy says:
oh, alece…i can’t even begin to understand your hurt and all the obstacles you have (and still must) overcome.
you really are stronger than i bet you think you are. your door of hope is definitely here.
@gritandglory says:
you always so faithfully remind me of my door of hope.
thank you.
i think i daily struggle with believing the lies of men over the promises of God. you said it so well.
I know i’ve said this before but i am so glad you are sharing this, so glad that it is resonnating the way it is with readers and so glad that you are still standing up to tell your story. the reason why more people don’t is that their circumstances have beat them down so much that they don’t think they have a voice. (another lie because we all do).
so with that, i am proud of your bravery and your obedience and your faithfulness.
thank you for sharing yourself with the world so openly. you are loved and prized.
hey, beautiful.
have i mentioned lately that i’m proud of you?
and i’m so thankful you’re telling your story so that more people can reiterate for you what i already know: you are strong and beautiful and worthy and loved. YOU, sassafrass, are a blessing.
I continue to be in awe of the grace and honesty with which you are walking this very hard road. My heat aches all day long for you having to endure this.
I am not surprised at your desire to not dishonor anyone. You are leading by example, even in this.
Thank you for entrusting your story to us.
Keep staying in the Light.
@dg4G says:
Alece, I can’t believe I’ve never read your blog after seeing you all over the other main blogs I read.
More fool me huh.
As most everyone has said, that we believe the lies of man over the promises of God is satan’s plan for us. He sucks. But the more we expose him to the Light, the less he can prevail.
Your bravery will be rewarded. God loves rewarding His faithful children.
@gritandglory says:
you’ve been crazy-brave this week as well. thank you for your own transparency. i crave authenticity in my life. i’m still deeply challenged by it, and sometimes even scared out of my mind by it… but i crave it.
“naked and unashamed” is a prayer of my heart.
God made you beautiful inside and out. My heart goes out to you. I’m praying for you…
@jclayville says:
I am SO glad you’re sharing your story. So proud you’re sharing your hurt and where you’ve come since then. Thank you!
@cassgirl says:
WOW,,, these comments are so ministering and good!
@tamhodge says:
it always blows my mind how much the decisions and choices of someone can impact others so greatly.
and often times – those decisions really have nothing to do with us. theyre all selfish and self focused. but that is so incredibly hard for us to believe when the result, and consequences, hit us square in the face. there really is no way to prepare for it.
i hate that you were shattered so deeply.
but i am so looking forward to seeing the continued work God will do in you, through you, and in others as He gives you the strength, courage, fortitude and confidence to share your story.
i do love you friend.
@20BOLD11 says:
I just wrote about this in response to Ric’s post about self-worth.
I can relate to the fact that we tend to believe man’s lies over God’s truth.
But the awesome, breakthrough, yoke-breaking power of the Word is that it penetrates us; sharper than any two edged sword and eventually we begin to believe in the spirit what it says.
You are fearfully and wonderfully made Lece. Precious in His sight. A daughter of the most High King.
He loves you.
And so do I.
I’ve been away – I’m sorry. I had to follow links from the other post … and I’m sure I’ll open my reader soon and catch all the others.
The most priceless of materials are tested by the hottest fires and the most intense of pressures. The polishing process has begun. Out of the fire. A soft cloth rubbing away the grime and bringing out the gleam of incredible beauty. Your soul is amazingly gorgeous. What an honor to know you.
@mandythompson says:
Two things:
1) He doesn’t deserve you.
2) God will bring a redeemer – a man – a Boaz.
@gritandglory says:
i realized i was holding my breath as i read this…
i don’t even know what to say. i just… i just…
sigh.
@mandythompson says:
About holding your breath: I’m glad it was a short comment. ;)
About not knowing what to say: No reply necessary. And you don’t even have to believe me [right now]. But I wholeheartedly and strongly believe that if you can heal up and find it in your heart to trust a man again, then you’ll most likely be given one. A good one. A Godly one. God is a redeemer like that. He is. And you are a treasure. And somebody will see that. And they will treasure you. For His sake, and for yours.
Boaz, baby. Boaz.
@gritandglory says:
“and you are a treasure. and somebody will see that. and they will treasure you.” my heart aches for that to be true.
i wish i could hug you right now.
I so hear you. I feel those same things, still, sometimes, after being rejected and broken a time or two. It is hard to believe you will ever feel right again, trust again. but God DOES have a plan for you, and me.
@JewelzSightings says:
You are worth fighting for. I know because Jesus told me…. After all you are the object of His deep affection. He’s coming… I see HIm…
You *are* enough, worthy and loveable. Believe Him.
Praying for you…
I just read ur story about u and ur husband. I’m going throught it now and feel the same as u did. My story is differnt my husband is from uzbekastan and recentil went to his home country and married another woman while still married to me. They are muslim and I’m christian he sees no wrong in it that are nmarriage is all my fault. Would love if u would be my prayer partner. Thanks sam
Thanks for this. After sitting through months of “I don’t know. I don’t know why I acted this way. I don’t know” in therapy and hearing “I love you” one day and “I’d rather not be around you today” the next, my husband finally had the courage to say the words “I want a divorce.” He has not yet had the courage to take action, but reading this I finally realized that if he doesn’t, I NEED to … for me, my kids, my life. Thank you so much for sharing.
@Cheskafaith says:
So, I’m a bit behind and just read this…first, I’m sorry when you hurt. Second, I’ve been there and have been on a journey to recovery (delayed in unforgiveness) for the last two years. Thankfully, God restored my marriage, I’m still waiting on the restoration of my heart, my trust, my belief and the absence of self-loathing. I am in my one word phase of “Mirror” asking God to ease me gently toward myself. I’m sure it will be painful, but it has to be more productive than the lies I’ve owned for so long. Thank you for sharing your heart here. I’m praying for you.
@chuckazooloo says:
I know how you felt, or maybe still feel. i wonder if any woman will ever want me again. i mean i’m 40, divorced, 4 kids. but that’s not who i am. you’re right when you say those are lies. i’m not unlovable, i’m am loved. i’m not unwanted, i’m highly desired. i am a child of God, i am a son to my parents and i am father to my children. although my role as husband has been taken away, it does not change who i am. i’ve never really delved into your story Alece. i hope that i can share mine someday.
@CelticHebrew says:
“While cognitively I know those are lies, when someone leaves me after making a vow that they won’t, it’s really hard to believe that abandonment isn’t always inevitable.”
I struggle with this occasionally in my marriage with husband now, because of a relationship in which the other person was really never invested (even though I already knew that at the time). Divorce, leaving, calling it quits is no option for us, we know this, but in the dark nights and yelling arguments, it’s hard to believe that he won’t just decide it’s not worth it, I’m not worth it. Thank you for putting words to it.
Just jumped over from a tweet from Pinkdaisy Life. I’m enjoying your writing.