thoughts from the quiet girl
Those who know me best know I’m not always quiet. But I often am.
Especially in a crowd.
And even more especially with a group of strangers I’m supposed to suddenly connect with on some deep level.
Then I’m definitely the quiet one.
There are a lot of reasons why—some I’m aware of and some I’m not able to see clearly just yet. I know underlying most of them is the trust factor.
I strongly value trust and trustworthiness. So situations where I’m supposed to open up to people I don’t yet trust—forced sharing, if you will—make me largely uncomfortable.
I was in a situation like that a few days ago. People all around me were sharing freely, and I just kept thinking, “I’m not built that way.” I didn’t say very much, and while I was okay with my reservedness, I found myself wondering what it made the others think.
I fear that my quietness makes people assume things about me which are not only unintended but also inaccurate. I’m afraid I might come across as arrogant, stuffy, or annoyed.
(Feeling misunderstood is one of the worst things for me.)
So I’d love your honest input:
What assumptions do you make about the quiet person in a group?
[Feel free to comment anonymously if you can be more honest that way.]
@ventigrace says:
Wow- my first post back in reading-blogesphere and it is pretty serious… and then, the pressure of first comment! Oh my…
Seriously though- non-verbals are my cue here. I don’t mind the quiet… if it isn’t a “loaded” quiet with what is not being said.
I’ve even been in situations where people have expressed… “I’m quiet because…”… and that helped me too… you know me… I’ll always throw my two cents in.
love you!!
when I see quiet, I think “smart”
Honestly, I think two things:
1. She’s listening intently to make sure what she wants to say has/is being said. That way, she doesn’t talk just to talk.
2. She’s considering getting a word in but the talkers in the group are preventing her from doing so.
@atangie says:
You ask, “What assumptions do you make about the quiet person in a group?”
Being married to a generally quiet man has afforded many conversations about my assumptions. What we often come back to is a quote that is a generalization, so it is most of the time true, but not always. The quote is: assumption is the lowest form of intelligence.
When we assess the assumptions of others then we are attempting to connect to their basest expression of self.
That being said, we all still make assumptions. If you really want to know what I assume about the quiet person in the group I will tell you.
I take it on a case by case basis.
CASE A: If I do not know the person then I assume that they are thoughtful and weigh their words knowing the lasting effect that words have on others.
CASE B: If I know the person then I think about the character of the individual. If they are normally quiet then I let them be; and I am happy that they are being their true self. If they are usually not quiet then I will let them be; later, if I feel it is prudent, I will make myself available to them to listen and help them process whatever is going on.
CASE C: If I know the person only through text interactions and this is my first time with them in a group setting then I revert to CASE A.
Thanks for allowing us to get to know your true, trustworthy, pensive, quiet self.
Well, I am “the quiet girl” too. In big situations our in groups of new people I tend to be pretty quiet. I know for me, my being reserved is because I am trying to figure out the situation, feel it out a bit, let others test the water before I open up type of thing. I think a lot of quiet people do that. I guess we try to figure out our parameters or level of safety.
For people who know me better after my quiet stage they have often said that they thought I was a bit stand offish……I hate that. I mean, now they know I am not but I hated that I gave that impression.
Yeah, sometimes being “the quiet girl” isn’t very fun.
I don’t usually answer blog posts “unknown” I am usually pretty open in how I feel. But this is an area that is real personal for me.
I sat in a group of women this last week and as I looked around the room I felt incredibly inadequate. They have the happy marriages, the happy 2.5 kids, and the dog behind the picket fence. blah blah…
Then I looked down and measured myself. I have been married two decades now and have wonderful kids. I am truly blessed.
I also have a very few INCREDIBLE girlfriends.
Have an awesome job, I’m a leader, …..
But, I sit in this room feeling inadequate. Why?
Because I am afraid (so afraid I tremble) to share how I am “wired” on the inside. What if they knew I really didn’t like that color she was wearing or maybe that perfume that makes me heave. or
What if? She asks me to cry. or tell her how I feel about myself, I can’t run and find a dictionary.
I need to open my mouth.
I can be the the queen of the party and be the socialite, But to sit on a comfy couch with a cup of coffee sitting across from knowingly eyes… scares me to death BUT what I want the most!!
I want to run… I know God is Awesome in my life. I know I matter etc. But..I am always afraid to open my heart a little more. Because the people whom I always thought loved me.. left.
I’m afraid to want to make any more investments.
I’m glad I still got the girlfriends and God. :)
Sometimes I’m the quiet person. But usually I’m not. And in those cases, I often wish I could be more LIKE the quiet person – listening, thinking, considering.
I’d have to agree entirely with Cindy Beal.
She hit it precisely for me.
I can be the quiet kid. If I feel bombarded with overly extroverted and “aggresive” personality types, I shut my mouth more often than I find it opening for much of anything.
I think I had that problem once, and I think people thought I was stuck up too. It sucks. It sucks a LOT.
I assume more about talkative people, to be honest, than quiet people.
I am the quiet one because I am completely insecure, dont want to draw any attention to myself, don’t want to say anything because everyone will look at me, my face will go red, my voice will falter, my throat will shut. So to protect myself I just appear aloof and slightly disinterested so no one will ask me anything. And yet I love people and being with them, I just wish it was ok not to say anything. And generally when there are other quiet people I assume they are either really aloof and disinterested or they are like me. And I wish we could just all sit together and say nothing for a long time and that would be ok.
I assume they’re more like me! :-)
You know that I am anything BUT quiet, but I value the “quiet ones.” I feel they don’t HAVE to just voice their opinion and honestly I take to heart more of what they would say b/c I think that it’s more thought through.
Although I am not quiet, I find myself in the same battle of trusting…especially lately. Even with my closest friends I am fighting to share a lot of things. I straight up refuse to talk to people I don’t know very well about my personal “issues.”
I feel with all of this however, that God is bringing me into a season of restoration. Restoring friendships, my heart, my trust, my ability to fall hard into Jesus’ arms.
@danielleH says:
I wonder why they are quiet…and I watch how they interact with people. I watch to see if I pick up clues that they might be insecure, shy, or just introverted or processing internally. I know that about 2/3 of the population is introverted and tend to be quiet in groups.
I know with me, I am extroverted, but I’m often quiet in big groups. I’m uncomfortable with all eyes being on me and I’d rather other people share.
Don’t feel bad for being yourself. YOU are awesome, don’t apologize for it.
it depends for me….sometimes I wonder why they are quiet; which sometimes the answer is because I am loud and they can’t get a word in edgewise. If I am in a group of people where we are having a serious talk, like a bible study, I find that I feel bad for the leader if noone talks or opens up…so I do. I too have some issues with trust of others with my innermost thoughts/feelings (who doesn’t, really?), but somehow I push past and remember that I am not alone. That I am experiencing nothing really NEW, that there are others in the same boat and maybe if I open up it will help others to do so to.
I say all of that, and though I am an extreme extrovert, I don’t like crowds and often travel without talking to strangers.
You know, it’s funny but that’s just something I have never wondered about … why someone is quiet. Hmmm! I can tell you that as I grow older, and prayerfully more mature, I tend to be quiet in order to ponder what I might say, as opposed to blurting out what might not need to be said or what might be rephrased (foot in mouth). I’ve not ever been in the “in” crowd and have, plenty of times, felt inadequate. But, much of the time, in my older age, the things I might say outloud and the insecurity I may be feeling, I share with the Lord … not all the time, but I am learning. It’s His opinion of me that really matters. Not someone else’s.
I think it matters if you’re the quiet person paying attention.
There are people I know who are quiet, but you can feel their essence. They are either nervous or reserved or comfortably quiet or just reflective. I know a few others who are quiet, but they don’t pay attention to anyone and when they do make comments it’s judgmental.
Obviously you are not that second kind of quiet. I love the moments of being with the quiet person when they, within the natural flow of things, get comfortable. I appreciate earning their trust sometimes more than the ones who come in that way.
For the record, I’m not all that quiet, but forced sharing/connections/emotions will make me quiet really fast. I don’t do that well.
Ugh.. In some things, Alece, we are quite different birds, but in this thing we are nearly identical. I SO relate. SO SO much. And I don’t know. And I don’t know if there’s a way around it. Or a way to communicate better.
Or if it all comes down to trust.
Trusting my Maker that He knew how to make me.
Trusting that even if people misunderstand, His image of me supercedes theirs.
Trusting that He has a purpose for this shyness.
Trusting that He is … so I can be.
And not worrying about who I’m not – letting others be that, and just being me.
It takes trust. It does. And I don’t know if I’m there.
Body language counts more than whether a person is doing a lot, or very little, talking. This lesson took me awhile to learn.
I was very bad at reading body language when I was young and made many errors in judgement about people.
Being self centered I didn’t use to pay much attention to anyone who didn’t speak up. The quiet person use to be mostly invisible to me.
I did finally learn to give everyone equal attention. This lesson only took me about 40 years to learn.
@mandythompson says:
My assumption? Honestly? That they don’t wanna be known…
@traceepersiko says:
I would defnitely not describe myself as an intravert. I am probably as extravert as they come. I LOVE crowds. The bigger the better for me. The bigger the crowd the more i feel in my element. I am prolly some times “that girl” who was too loud or whatnot….curses! dang the hind site. I love people. I love crowds. I love acting the fool!
I find myself intrigued by the quite person. I always want to know what they’re thinking. I value the quiet and unedited thoughts of a person. I value when people don’t just put themselves out there but tests the waters a little. I value and guard my holy of holies!! only so many get there.
As much as i love the crowd, i really enjoy the one on one deeper moments. When the gloves come off and the real thoughts unveiled! mmmm.. honey to my soul.
As much as i am an extravert, i am a yielder in a bible study setting. Not sure what’s that’s about other than i fear not having anything to offer when it matters. GRRR! on the insecurities!!
INSAKURITY!
i didn’t read thru all the comments. sorry.
i am the quiet one too. in high school everyone thought i was stuck up. but i was so self-conscious and scared and therefore, quiet.
wrong assumptions led to me basically shutting up for a long time.
now, i’m a little less quiet but still in a group, id rather just watch.
I agree with Mary… i also attribute the quiet one to having more wisdom than the others, being able to carefully consider their thoughts and words. And when they DO speak, people listen because it usually is something good.
I’ve actually come to find that sometimes, in a world where everyone’s vying to be heard and noticed, the people that are trying to stay under the radar are the ones that intrigue people the most.
I can usually manage the one-on-one conversations, so when the intrigue incites people to come to me individually, it works out for everyone. otherwise, they’re likely to just think that I’m standoffish (Lord knows how many people have told me that. try the entire outreach staff last year..) and think that I’m above everyone else.
it’s unfortunate, but sometimes (well, try almost all the time) I’d rather leave their assumptions intact than to pretend I’m someone I’m not to make them like me.
Forgive me if someone else has said this…but…
Still waters run deep.
That’s what I think about the quiet one in the room. ;)
@tamhodge says:
i love the quiet confident type. i know some women who are quiet cuz they just dont feel the need to air all their laundry. they have a group of people they know they are safe with and can go to at any time. therefor, they are confident enough to know that they owe no one else an explanation for that. so…they smile and nod.
i love it.
thats just one example of a quiet person.
sometimes im super quiet in a crowd or even small group. it really depends on the environment, atmosphere and whether or not i took my hormones the night before.
Hi! First post here…I used to be the really quiet person. This was in high school though when I had one best friend I could talk to all the time and I don’t even think I told her everything. I’ve completely changed though. I’m way more open (I think that’s because of going to bible studies and small groups), but I usually catch myself in mid conversation to stop myself from saying certain things. I question a lot more stuff now and I haven’t had a bestfriend since high school, so more people I’m close to know some personal things instead of just one. I still don’t think I can be completely honest with people though…it’s a trust thing. However, I totally agree with the people who want to be known by others but still completely accepted at the same time (something Jesus is truly only capable of).
That they are mysterious and interesting.
i’m neither of those. but i’ve thought that same thing about quiet people before…
Um, well, I have met you and I still think you are both of those things….but clearly I am not because I never shut up. Ha ha ha ha ha.
non-quiet people can be plenty mysterious and interesting. you, my friend, i would put in that category!
I am oftentimes referred to as “the quiet one.” Lately, I have reached a point where I am so aware of my reservedness that I feel like the odd girl out, and am quite alone, especially since I just moved away from my family and dear friends.
I trust in the Lord and take my insecurities to Him. Jesus knows my heart; that is what I remind myself of when my negative self talk plagues me. Sometimes I feel inadequate. Having a boyfriend who is beyond extroverted puts the spotlight on my quietness at times, or at least that is how I feel.
How is it that I can write prolifically, yet fail to verbalize my thoughts to others? I want the love of Jesus to shine through me and sometimes I feel that without words, that example of Christ’s love can be extremely challenging for others to see.
I have copious thoughts/feelings about this topic…thanks for letting me share some of them!
i’m so glad you felt comfortable enough to share your heart. i don’t take that lightly.
do you blog? i’d love to read more from that heart of yours…
i do not blog; however, it is something i am interested in. Writing is so therapeutic! After reading this blog i knew a lot of others here were sharing some of my pain, so i felt quite at home to expose a glimpse of my heart. Plus, the love for Christ that is so evident in the bloggers here made me know that we are all one body in Him :) Carrying each other’s burdens. Thanks for this space to connect, Alece!
blogging is such therapy for me! not only because of the outlet of writing but because of the true sense of community i’ve found here. that was something i never expected and it’s become such a lifeline for me.
if you ever do start a blog, be sure to let me know, k?
@cassgirl says:
This week I became the quiet one. I actually enjoyed a bit. Then it got kinda of lonely so I went back a read some old emails and to some blogs.
But I found myself quiet again, and I went and got a coffee and found myself in a park just sitting there thankful for What I do have and stopped looking at my feet.
Then I found myself giggling over this little boy in a swing, everytime his dad pushed him he would squeal, that would cause tummy laughter in him.
At least 50 times this boy squealed.
I’m thankful for the quiet weeks.
Because I would have totally missed this little boy.
I so needed him today.
this was beautiful to read, heids… i love that heart of yours, when it’s quiet and when it’s not.
@cassgirl says:
I love your “quiet” heart too.
I am definitely the quiet girl in high school. For me though, it more of a disconnect – I can be social when I want to, but I have to try. Most of what is said doesn’t interest me – latest crushes/drama/fights. Its too easy just to slip off into daydreams. If anyone want to discuss Hemingway, or the latest new of the Iraq war or the new arsenic DNA research, I’ll perk up. Doesn’t happen often in high school…
This is my first post to any blog. I found this site looking for a title for the kind of story I needed to tell. I’m the quiet girl on the inside, having kept deep dark secrets inside for many, many years. I’m not quiet on the outside. I can be the life of the party. I’m clever, witty, funny and fun to be with when I’m not quiet. But when all that jazz fades, underneath lies the little girl who creeps silently through the halls of my mindful memories trying so hard not to be heard. I can sit in full view of a public place without anyone noticing I’m there at all.
I’m watchful, my eyes fully opened and ears straining to hear sounds of predators of every sort. I have always carried the Light of God within me. And finding this particular site at this particular time is God’s way of telling me, ‘it’s okay to tell your story, tell it and let it be’ and there is no need to be quiet on the inside because He has always heard me, even when I was quiet.
i love how you wrote that. and what you said. resonates with my heart. a lot.
i hear what you’re saying about feeling their essence. i think that’s what i do to gauge other quiet people in a group. consequently i think i do the same thing with “loud” people… as there are different “essences” there too…
really? never even thought about it?!
i’m definitely the leave-me-alone traveler type!
good thoughts, friend… looking for cues…
“my ability to fall hard into Jesus’ arms” — so well-said, misscrys. i did that last night. and it was … perfect.
hi quiet one! :)
thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. i have some of those same exact fears. and your last sentence? that is the earmark of a great friendship to me — when i can sit with someone in easy silence and say absolutely nothing….
i hate the thought that others might view me as stuck up. eeeek.
listening, thinking, considering… i’m an internal processor (for the most part), so that does tie in with my silence in a group. just soaking it all in, and working through it on my own rather than out loud…
those same questions and fears paralyze me too. all too often.
thank you so much for opening your heart for me to see inside.
i love what i see.
yeah…. “stand offish” is the phrase i keep pondering. i don’t want to be seen that way. and while i obviously can’t change people’s thoughts i can be intentional about coming across warmer even in my quietness…
i’m sure being married to a quiet guy has taught you a lot about this! thanks for sharing, gigi.
sometimes #2 comes into play big time for me. there are certain people that i just cannot talk around.
that one surprised me…
it’s always amazed me how different we can be on this one… but i love how you draw me out of my quietness. you know how to get to my heart, friend.
i so value your honesty, ed. and you’re right – body language can say a whole lot more than words can. i need to make sure my posture, demeanor, facial expressions, and movements are conveying my heart even when my words aren’t.
and us “loud ones” have the same concerns as the quiet ones. sometimes i’ll have people over and we’ll have such a great time, and then that night i’ll mull it over in my head… was i too loud, should i have said that, was that stupid? i think we all doubt and judge ourselves later more than anyone else judges us.
i’m glad i’m not the only one who thinks after-the-fact of all the things i should have said/done differently!
sometimes i don’t.
sometimes i do, but i want to first make sure i can trust someone with ME.
but sometimes i simply don’t want to be known.
(thanks for being honest.)
Again, I relate to this. Trusting someone with knowing me is not a small thing. But I do very much want to be wanted. I was telling my friend the other day that I value openness (she was saying she is learning boundaries from being TOO open). To me, it means that the person trusts me to make themselves known to me, and that’s not something I take lightly. I value it highly. And it makes me feel loved. Same then with me. That is how and when I share myself. When I know it will be valued somehow. When I don’t want to be known … is when I don’t feel like I would be valued.
you said that so well, annie. that hits the nail on the head for me. trusting someone with knowing me is not a small thing. and when i don’t feel valued, i don’t want to give someone the real me.
i can’t help but think of the pearls before swine passage… (not that i’m calling anyone a pig!)
(the others don’t have a ‘reply’ button!)
The pearls before swine – that is right on. I definitely see a part of the nature of God in this (and I also see Him in the extrovert, like Tracee and Danielle!). He doesn’t reveal the deep things of His heart to just anyone. He revels them to those who love Him. Those who value Him. Those whom He trusts. Those who don’t value Him – He won’t. Thus, the pearls before swine.
[even jesus had the "inner three"...]
No, probably because I have always been the one with an opinion to share or a need to be noticed and not one who has been pondering. I might notice the quiet person now that I am conscious to be careful not to speak out of turn and listening to the Lord about when to speak and when to be quiet, but my biggest deal has really been more … what do “they” think about what I said as opposed to wondering about why someone is quiet. Make sense? Maybe that’s selfishness and self-consciousness on my part only in a different way … opposite of quiet, wanting to be noticed.
I have learned that quiet is good and there are times now when I crave it. I like to be around quiet and reflective people. Sometimes, a lot of times, there is great wisdom in quiet. :)
i always learn from you, debra. thank you for opening your heart to me.
there’s so much more of you that i want to get to know still. [rest of those thoughts being saved for another time. remind me.]
you get my unedited heart, sweetfriend. my HOH.
and i am the same way in a bible study discussion type setting… my insecurities kick into gear big time. sheesh.
INSAKURITY! love it!
i love YOU.
yessssssss. (seriously. we are so the same!) that was why i was quiet in high school and thereafter… man oh man…
BONILDA!!!!!
[i just told a friend our baboon story. and amid the laughter, i had to hang my head in shame... i still can't believe i ditched you... we need to make some new memories, friend!]
“trying to stay under the radar” – for the most part, that’s me. i’d rather be invisible than spotlighted.
and i agree — i don’t want to pretend i’m someone i’m not to alleviate the assumptions. just want to find a way to better convey what my heart is, even in situations where i’m not ready to fully share my heart.
mmmmm…. i have always loved that simple phrase.
still waters run deep.
He said He’d lead me beside still waters…
thanks for giving me something to think about tonight.
i want to be that kind of quiet person.
i’m glad you chimed in, amber. i understand the trust stuff, believe me. i have less than a handful of people i can be totally honest and open with — it is a rare gem for me.