the one where i whine
Most people assume I’m further along in my story than I actually am. I’m still right in the thick of it, in ways no one will fully comprehend. Most don’t realize that I’m not actually divorced yet. The shortest, most tactful reason is that my husband continues to make choices that are hurtful not only to me but also to our ministry. And so it lingers on, hanging over me like a dark cloud, every single day.
So while some people think (and have gone so far as to say) that I should be able to move forward more than I have, I simply can’t. The cloud has created an inescapable darkness that renders me paralyzed. Powerless. Lifeless. The darkness scares away hope. It blurs my vision. It heightens my pain. It makes me realize just how alone I am.
Alone is quite possibly the worst feeling in the world.
It squeezes my chest so tight, I can no longer breathe. When I feel I couldn’t possibly have any tears left, it somehow finds more.
I’m sure my back-and-forthness must be driving everyone crazy. Or at least making them roll their eyes. I’m so over me, I can only imagine everyone else is too.
I know I waver back and forth, at times literally drowning in my lonely ache and other times trying to buck myself up and rally my faith. I know what I should feel, I know what God says, I can hear the non-stop loop in my head of all I should be doing to “get over this” or move forward or whatever. But as hard as I try to cling to those things, that cloud envelops me still.
Today I desperately miss being half of an “us”.
For purely selfish reasons.
No longer a “we” means no longer having a someone to talk with through decisions I need to make. It means not having a someone to help make sense of my crazy thoughts. It means not having a someone who cares about how I spend my days, where I am, what I’m doing, how I’m feeling.
I know I have a myriad of someones in my friends, but that’s not the same as having my someone.
And today I could really use a someone…
@pa3cia says:
im sorry your heart is hurting like this my friend.
I know I can’t be “the” someone, but I would love to be your someone today. You have been heavy on my mind and heart the last several weeks and I would love to talk to you. And I am so NOT over you. I really miss you, friend. I’m not sure how that is possible, considering the very limited time we’ve shared. But I feel my heart is tethered to yours somehow. I’ll email you my number in case you don’t still have it.
“Shoulds” are for non-real, non-existant people. Rely only on what the tender father-heart of God tells you you should be doing or where you should be. Let go of other people’s expectations. They aren’t you. They aren’t living your life. They aren’t sitting in the middle of the crap you’re sitting in. But you are NOT alone, for He Himself has promised that He would never leave or forsake us.
Love and hugs from VA.
One thing my momma has had to remind me my entire life is that I don’t have to be strong. It’s okay not to be okay. When everyone sees you as being strong it is even harder to allow yourself to be honest with how desperate you feel. That’s all.
Non lurker,
Catherine
I love you, Catherine! And you’re right, it’s ok to not be ok. I have told you that for a long time. Because it’s true.
And btw, Alece, this doesn’t sound like whining to me. It sounds a whole lot more like someone acknowledging the reality of their situation and the reality and validity of their feelings. Giving yourself permission to feel your feelings, even after “this long” (what a joke – not funny) is an important part of healing. And having people around you who do not dismiss your pain is another.
@JanetOber says:
I’m sorry … for your alone feeling. I think you are right with this line “Alone is quite possibly the worst feeling in the world.”
Alone is a horrible feeling — one that can almost snuff out the will to live.
Breathe deep. Pick some flowers. Turn on good music. Savor dark chocolate. Enjoy good wine. Life is worth living.
PS: I’m also sorry we didn’t meet at story — maybe next year.
I am soooooo not over you!
My heart hurts for yours. I say go ahead and waffle back and forth – be up, be down, be happy, be sad, be content and know that you are loved, and then be dissatisfied in your loneliness. It’s ok. It’s expected. No reasonable person would hold it against you.
But know, too, that there are lots of us out here who love and appreciate you no matter what. Whine away, my friend…. We’re here to listen.
I wish for a someone for you too…. not because I’m over you, but because you want it. And friend, who could over you?!
You are much loved.
I am having a pity party this week and feel the same…. I am SO OVER MYSELF so others must be too. But it’s funny, no one else spends as much time with us as we do so they don’t tire as quickly. ;o)
that feeling of being alone/loneliness is so raw, so painful… praying extra hard for you Alece, that you’ll find comfort and feel God’s embrace in your heart today. xo
I am praying, I wish that I was closer I would look you in the eye and listen, and tell you that being alone does suck but it isn’t forever. I am thankful you are here, you can share and we can pray. I am sorry that your husband wants to be hurtful and its not okay. I pray today that you will have a reason to smile, that you will be surrounded by love, friends and a reason to smile. I can only trust the One who knows us best. Though my husband is still my husband I understand alone and being married….. in such a different way but still.. its painful. I am here if you ever want to talk.
me, too. Even though I am still, and am now happy and doing good in that, part of an us. Still I miss being able to talk through some things, and feeling very alone today, not over somethings. Hit out of the blue on one of my healing spots – not healed that well after all, really not after the blow there.
And I am alone… wishing today that I was able to talk.
I understand, too, even with all the friends you do have, that lack of the one to talk to – the one where you don’t have to start with explanations.
When you are ready to move on, you will. Yes, time heals all wounds, but no one ever said we have to put a time limit on it. You have recognized where you are and you are feeling it to the fullest and I think that is right where you should be.
This too shall pass!
~Nichole
I hate that you are sitting in the middle of Suck.
I hate it and I recognize it because I have lived in Suck for a long time.
And even here – on some other side of Suck – the memories of residing there are enough to drag me back often.
“Turn my Mourning Into Dancing” by Henri Nouwen was one book that tangibly helped ease the SuckFest most days.
Hugging you from ATL. Love you, friend!
@christielici0us says:
I hate that there are people trying to tell you how to grieve, how far along you should be. It’s a personal process, and no one has the right to judge you for where you are in it.
You are always in my prayers.
I’m def. not over you.
I love your rawness and honesty in your posts. Seriously. I think it would be worse if you were suffering silently, and not being honest with where your heart and mind are. I bet there are so many people who don’t even comment and are so praying for and with you.
You have a quiet army of warriors behind you. Warring for your heart and your ministry along side you, holding your arms for you. Even if you cannot feel or see it.
And who cares what people say about where they think you “should be”. You are where you are. Everyone processes and heals differently and at different speeds. It’s not a race anyway.
Praying for your tender and honest heart. :)
I found out yesterday that my dog is seriously (like probably only a few months left) sick. I’ll know more for sure in a day or two. Right as I began a campaign featuring her hoping to raise money for charity: water. It made me not care about the fundraising. And it made me miss the ‘we’ that people kept telling me where I ‘should’ be with it. I’ve moved on, but there was a particular moment when I would have given anything to have that. We grieve. It’s a process. You are where you are…..and where you are is not only fine, but also exactly where you ‘should’ be. You’ll grow and learn through all this, exactly the way you need to in exactly the time it takes. Other people aren’t you. Other people haven’t been exactly where you are. Other people can suck it. ;-) God has you right where He wants you, and He’s got you covered. Love you! deb
@Allison0105 says:
Oh dear one…I know what you mean! I struggle with this all the time. I struggle when people tell me that “God is all you need”. Especially when it’s coming from someone who is married. The spirit of slap comes upon me in about half a second. I’m so sorry that you are still in the midst of the divorce process. I’m praying for closure for you in every way possible. Love you! I believe that God is going to bless you beyond your wildest imagination!
can i just say how much i love the phrase “the spirit of slap”…i will be using that one!!
Oh, I wish I couldn’t relate so well with what you’ve said, but honestly, I could have written 99 percent of that……. it’s just hard. Sorry you’re going through this. Thanks for expressing what could be my thoughts so amazingly well.
Hi Alece, I don’t know you, but I can relate to what you are saying (“I’m sure my back-and-forthness must be driving everyone crazy. Or at least making them roll their eyes. I’m so over me, I can only imagine everyone else is too. I know I waver back and forth, at times literally drowning in my lonely ache and other times trying to buck myself up and rally my faith. I know what I should…”) I hope you don’t “should” yourself to death. Your raw honesty is a gift to all who read and I hope writing it down, getting it out and sharing it blesses you in return. I am praying for you…my friend who I haven’t met yet.
Cory =)
Alece,
So sorry that you are going through this and that even the well meaning friends and strangers like me can’t fill that void fully. But know that you are cared about by many and appreciate beyond what you can imagine. Know that countless thoughts and prayers are going up on behalf of you and that the Holy Spirit understands you even when you can’t form the words because the pain is too overwhelming. You are in my prayers!
You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.
My enemies will retreat when I call to you for help.
This I know: God is on my side!
Psalm 56:8-9
Oh sweet friend… wherever you are is where you are and that is ok even if it feels yuk.
Regardless of how folks tell you you “should” be acting… it’s not about them. They are not in your shoes, they have not experienced what you are experiencing. Not a single one of us would know what we would do in a given situation no matter how much we might boast that we do… and it is arrogance on the part of those giving you advice to think that any one of them would know where they might be.
The “in-between” place that you are in – you are right – it is incredibly difficult. And you are handling it with THE utmost integrity. There are a myriad of things that you COULD be doing to escape the pain – but you are not…you are facing it. THAT takes guts my friend. The bone-crushing, heart-stopping difficulty of being in the middle. It takes courage – YOU.ARE. COURAGEOUS – no matter what anyone says.
I wish I could make it better, but I know that I can’t and to try would be an insult to the beauty that I know makes you YOU. I love you for who and where you are… no matter what… no matter how long it takes to heal…
I can as well relate. I am very familiar with the “darkness that scares away hope”, also your back and forth I refer to as “spinning around until I’m dizzy”. I have found that during that time I need to be diligent to in essence turn my mind off and ask him for peace. I have found that if I do my part and shut my “spinning mind” off, he comes through with a peace that truly does surpass understanding. It is in that peace, that I find I am not ever alone, he has been and will always be right beside me.
I continue to look for him to “fix” my problem, but for now he seems focused on leaving me here while he fixes me.
Wow Alece. I cannot imagine.
but I am so, so sorry.
It is so good to hear your heart….even when your heart is hurting so much.
I think it is incredible that you are willing to share this pain through your words and that you aren’t trying to escape your pain in unhealthy ways although i’m sure you desparetely wish you didn’t have to feel this pain.
praying for God’s hope…
Oh sweetheart…I am so sorry. Please don’t feel like you have to apologize, however. You most certainly aren’t whining…just being honest and open about this heart-wrenching ordeal. It seems like this is all a part of the stages of grief, and everyone works through it at their own pace. You have my prayers RIGHT NOW…may God lift the dark cloud from this purgatory-like season and give you renewed hope and joy. I’m so sorry.
Much love my friend!
I’m not over you.
Chaos calls to chaos, to the tune of whitewater rapids. Your breaking surf, your thundering breakers crash and crush me. Then God promises to love me all day, sing songs all through the night! My life is God’s prayer. (Psalm 42:7-8)
He’s not over you either. Praying peace and deep breaths for you today. :)
Love you.
I don’t hear whining or self-pity in your posts, I just hear pain. Grief. Intermittent breakthroughs of hope and strength that are like sunlight to your soul. I hear honesty. And depth. I know it’s pain that hurts in a way I can’t even imagine (although reading your articulate words makes my heart bulge with just the taste of what you’re going through).
I hate that things “behind the scenes” continue to make this like a pothole-filled road each day to have to travel on. And freshly navigate. That you choose not to make the goriest details public…… such integrity, Alece. I know you are choosing prayerfully and wisely what to share.
How I wish I could take at least some of the weight of the ache off your shoulders and soul….. just to lift the cloud so you can breathe, especially on the hardest days.
I can pray. I will.
@mat2820b says:
Your 1st paragraph… YES.
I think she summed it up the best way.
I love you.
@atangie says:
I am so proud of you for not giving in, for standing up for truth and for being honest. As so many have already said, I am not over you. Not once have these eye balls rolled. Hang in there. I love you!
i am not gonna write a long comment becuz you know that we share the same heart on this one. i love you!!
it doesn’t sound like whining.
i am so, so sorry.
and i pray for you.
@bahava says:
love you fiercely.
i’m not over you ;) ;)
but in all seriousness, i hate that you’re in so much pain. it makes my heart hurt. and i’m a stranger. i can’t imagine what it feels like to be in your shoes.
praying that God reveals himself and you know him better as your “someone” through this.
@mat2820b says:
A girlfriend of mine once said, during her own time of alone-ness “I know God is with me, and He hears me… but it’s not the same as having someone you can poke”.
My heart ACHED for you the other day. I cried and cried and cried. Praying hard for you dear.
@kamriereed says:
Well this sucks. I hate those feelings of loneliness!
Not to depress you, but I know there is nothing I can say that will take this away. that definitely sucks. I guess all I can do is say hey I am praying and there is always something beautiful in the pitch black night that seems to envelope everyone leaving one person completely alone and isolated. So just look at the stars and know you are not alone.
@mandythompson says:
Love you, friend. And I loved following you all over Chicago last week.
Love you love you love you love you love you…..
And miss you so much.
the only thing i can think of to respond to this is. . .
me too, sweet friend. me too.
if i had a dime for every time someone wanted me to be further along and ‘fixed’ i would be a millionaire. i’m walking beside you and when i hurt i pray for you like i pray for me. . .knowing that just a state away you are likely hurting in an incredibly similar way.
love you. . .((hug))
@iloveblogs44 says:
Alece, I’m so sorry that you are feeling so alone. I have never been part of a “we”, so I really can’t relate to that part, but I do understand that sometimes being alone is lonely. I’ve been blessed with MANY times where I’ve been alone and not lonely at all. However, those lonely days are tough, even when you know your friends are just a phone call (or an email or a tweet) away.
Today, I actually had an “alone” day and it was SO weird. Although I lived by myself for over three years prior to my two foster daughters arriving in June, today almost felt a little too quiet. I suppose it is good to start preparing myself for the day they no longer live here with me…and then I’ll be the one saying “today, I could really use a someone”.
Thinking about you and praying for you. May the days that you are alone feel much less lonely.
Take care.
WOW. God has you in a situation where you just can’t up and get a divorce?!? Please know that when you write, my thoughts, responses, reactions are not at all directed to you. You are merely on the sidelines of this story (though I know it doesn’t feel that way)… This story is really about God and what He is doing! I actually get encouraged when I read your posts…it easier to look and read about someone else than it is to live my own life. After I read your post, I go to God, which is perhaps why you don’t see so many comments from me…. Hmm, if God had a blog what would it look like? And you can’t say the Bible.
Alece-okay fine, I will share my last night learning moment. I have been having some hard days. Super emotionally drained. Toddler disciplining, big family gossip, lost friends. Just hurtful life that I can’t fix. In fact I finally get it, although you might have to remind me again tomorrow, this is out of my control. Last night, I needed my husband to come home from work, but it happened to be a bad day, for him too. We just didn’t connect at all. I went to bed by myself since he worked late. No talk about my bad day. He was too busy. And I realized again, some days are like this, even when you do have a special someone. We all have times when we feel alone and lonely. Even the BEST guy falls short. Because he was not meant to be HIM. I will finish with this, you are not alone my sweet friend. Loving you tonight. Hugs.
Sigh…. Hope and grief…. so exhausting. Mornings are filled with new mercies but somehow the nights can feel dark and cold. My heart hurts deeply for you Alece BUT I know God has you, loves you and draws near to you even in the dark. We (along with many others) are standing in the gap for you with prayers of renewed hope and rest. I love you!
I’m so sorry you are hurting, and I so admire you for your transparency and honesty.
I am not the someone you are dreaming of and hoping for, but I am someone who cares and who prays for you believing that your testimony is relevant and powerful.
He has brought you to this hard place and He will bring you through it…
You can’t hurry love or loss…
Be gentle with yourself.
And, go ahead and cry. Healing will come in its own time.
Hugging you in my heart!
@bajanpoet says:
Alece….. I understand….. I really do…
I’m right there with you. Right now. Feeling exactly the same for the exact same reason.
:(
I love u.
This post isn’t whining, Alece. It’s the honest cry of a heart walking a path of divorce that God never wanted any of us to walk. I’m sorry that your divorce isn’t final yet…I know when I was in that season between separation and the actual divorce it was unlike any other I’ve felt. You have people talking about freedom but at the same time you know you’re not free. I will be praying hard for you and while I know it’s really no comfort to see these words right now it will get better.
You can’t be pushed into healing. It will come eventually and God will give you a peace beyond understanding. Just keep on putting one foot in front of the other. One day you’ll be happy again. Praying for you.
@Melissa_Rae says:
Praying for you, Alece. What you’re dealing with is not something that you get over and move on from. You’re grieving the loss of the life you envisioned for yourself. Just as when you lose a loved one to death, there will be triggers and seasons when it’s harder. God will walk you through this.
Lord, in her loneliness, comfort her. In her need for guidance, grant her wisdom. Remind her that each of her days are important to you, and that your eye is always on her.
I don’t pray these things for you to make you feel guilty, like you’re not leaning on Him enough. Instead I pray them to support you and hopefully see God comfort you in a way you might not have the strength to pray for yourself — like Moses needed his arms raised. It’s a wearying situation, don’t think people are getting tired of you, because you need support.
First of all you can call this post the one where you are honest. Not whining. Second I am not over you! Though our lives are very different and not very connected right now I still love you and care about your heart and hurts and happiness. You are very dear to me! I had no idea you were not divorced yet and can only imagine how much fresh pain that must bring everyday. How can a scar heal when its still an open wound? I have been wondering about your heart and how its healing and also about thrive and how its doing. You are in my thoughts and prayers! All my love to your heart!
@PrudyChick says:
I agree. I’m not over you either, and I don’t see self-pity or whining. I wish I could hug you. I wish you had a someone to take you into their arms and just be what you’re longing for. I’m praying across the board on this. For you and for him.
@tonyjalicea says:
I know exactly how you feel, though I may be a bit further along. It’s been 4 years since my wife took off and 3 years since the divorce was final. My heart has healed but the loneliness is more fierce than ever.
I miss having an us. I miss having a partner. It sucks, but I’m confident it will get better. I’m not here to tell you that because that’s not what you need. I just want you to know that you’re not alone. Praying for you!
Alece, once again you put into words EXACTLY what I’m feeling…the last couple of days have been bad ones for me. He’s been gone for three months, he’s moved on, our divorce is in process, so why don’t I feel better? I’m lonely, incredibly lonely and I’m haunted by the fact that this could be what the rest of my life looks like. On good days, I am buoyed by hope and by new dreams, but then the bad days come and I feel like I have to start from scratch all over again. Just remember that even in your brokenness, because of your brokenness, you are a blessing.
Alece,
I am so sorry you are hurting so much. I will pray for you.
Alece,
I just read up on the last few months of your life. I am sorry for your pain, dear sister, and I look at your humility with a bittersweet smile. I hate the painful process of breakage, but in these times, I pray that you will know that your breakage will be as beautiful as a pearl. It is a hard process that natural continuously repeats. Child birth into life. Breakage into beauty. Keep your head up. You are fabulous Alece.
I just read over my message, and I just want to clarify that I only smile at the hope I have on your behalf of your future. Not in a creepy sympathy masochistic way. :) Also, that I am so happy that God has put the gift of writing into your hands, so that you can trade your pain for a beautiful blog post, and walk away just a pound lighter.
love the creativity of the title. noticed the title.
dont love what the titles about. i’m sorry that this is all so messy, paintful and lonely for you.
i dont think anyone has any expectations of when you should be “all better”. this situation sucks….
i do love you.
“Pain is higher than all thought. Laughter is higher than all pain.”
I first heard that quote from a guy who spent seven and a half years in high school.
He was no dummy.
@sonnylemmons says:
I have walked where you are right now. I have felt some of what is eating at your soul right now.
You. Are. Not. Alone.
o honey. i ache for you. with you.
there are so many moments i tell myself i should be doing better than this by now! i beat myself up for not being “ok”. the push and pull back and forth, the pressure. i understand. i may be on a different path than you right now, but it still excruciatingly painful most times. give yourself room to grieve. this lingering is hard.
i am praying God’s peace, strength, grace and blessings on you. you are so special to an amazing Someone…and NO ONE can take that away! EVER!
Oh my goodness! You just describe perfectly the same place I’m in. Thank you for your honesty and willingness to put yourself out there. I don’t on my blog because of various reasons. I thought I was the only one who went back and forth and I don’t tell anyone because I’m afraid they are so tired of it all. I know I’m tired!! Praying for you………