the one where i put it all out there
People have told me I was brave for moving to Africa when I was 19. But I didn’t feel brave. I’m pretty sure it was more foolishness and naivety (with a little faith mixed in) than it was bravery.
I didn’t look at what I was doing as being anything special. It was frightening in some ways, sure. But I wasn’t setting out to be Mother Teresa. I didn’t think I was embarking on anything pat-on-the-back worthy. I was simply following my heart. And outsiders called that bravery. Courage.
I’m sitting here tonight with a lump in my throat.
Moving home from Africa after 13 years is demanding far more courage than it took to move there.
More courage than I have.
I am most certainly not brave. I cry painful, ugly tears at the thought of needing to make a whole new life for myself. The smallest of things feel insurmountable to me right now. And the biggest of things… Well, they sit heavily on my chest and make it impossible for me to breathe.
Like a landslide, the only dream I’ve ever had just completely washed away. I didn’t have a “back-up plan” tucked in my pocket for a rainy day. I didn’t have a secret wish of “If I weren’t a missionary, I’d do THIS with my life”. I was doing exactly what I always wanted to do.
And now it’s gone.
I feel as though my heart may not have another dream left in her.
I am scared. And I feel alone (even though I am well aware of the amazing people God has given me in my life). And my heart feels hollow.
Dreamless.
Passionless.
Paralyzed.
I’ve been told to embrace the idea of a clean slate. The world is my oyster. I can do anything I want to do.
While I appreciate the heart behind those statements, please—I beg you—spare me the rhetoric. Please hang onto your two cents and your platitudes. It’s not as easy as just “deciding what I want to do next”. Maybe it should be. But it isn’t.
I want to dream again. I want to hope. I want to breathe in deep. I crave it… but I also fear it.
I need courage to face my fears. To trust one more time. To hope again.
I need to courage to speak. To be vulnerable. To be really me.
I need courage to put one foot in front of the other. To believe it’s going to be ok. To look for His hand.
I need courage to grieve. To bury. To walk away.
I need courage to embrace wholeness. To dream again. To start over.
I need courage.
I. Need. Courage.
I needed this… my one word is Courage this year and I already finding myself wanting to resist what comes with that word… because my courage is not there… it has turned into fear of the unkown… so this was a blessing… know that you are in my prayers.
You have my prayers, dear one. I am thankful you’re able to go to Dream Year Weekend. God’s got a dream for you… may it become yours.
Yeah, I had no back-up plan either… I can’t imagine what it would be to face what you are facing, and you definitely have my prayers and compassion. A total loss of identity, purpose, and direction…. whew!
hang in there, because while you’ve been plan-less, God has known about this all along. Wish He’d let us in on some of the plans, though!
prayers are coming your way.
praying for your heart… a precious heart like yours is too valuable to not fight for. i’m fighting for you and with you my friend.
One of my favourite quotes on courage: Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow.” Mary Anne Radmacher
love you.
@Melissa_Rae says:
That’s a great quote, JuliaKate! I need to write that down. :)
Loving you HUGE from here. You are in my heart. Crying with you knowing the new thing (Isaiah 43:18-19) is amazing and if you don’t have the courage right now, that is okay. Cause the rest of us will dig through the roof and lower you to Jesus and His healing touch! :)
Thanks for your honesty – I am fighting fear and struggling to find my courage too. My prayer for you is that you will feel God’s arms wrapped around you this week. May you feel his peace and know that the path is there even if you don’t quite see it yet.
When we follow Christ there is no back-up plan. It is, to quote someone who quoted Nietze, “a long obedience in the same direction.” I know your heart, that you desire that long obedience, even in the midst of the struggle, the loss, the grief and pain, the not knowing, and the lack of the dream. Keep following. I’ll keep praying. Funny (not really) how God puts us in the places that make us squirm a little (ok, a lot) when He’s ready to give us something new (a release, some growth, a new direction, perhaps a new dream?). I pray that is where He has you now. I know your heart is hurting. I’m praying that He brings you your “daily bread,” the strength and courage and ability to keep breathing for what is required of you for This day, and that He gives you support and encouragement and help where you need it. Praying you SEE Him all over this day.
Love you, friend.
Love and hugs from VA
Hey. If I can offer some truth that I hope will be comforting to your soul. You aren’t your marriage, or your ministry. Your identity isn’t wrapped up in being a missionary. You aren’t your talents, or your choices.
Who you are is a child of God. When the Lord looks upon you, he doesn’t see a failed marriage or a failed missionary or even a blank slate. He sees Christ. Your identity is inextricably bound to Jesus’ work on the cross on your behalf. You are regenerated and whole and complete in him who is working *all* things for your good, even the things that seem too painful to bear.
Seek the council of God’s spirit dwelling in you. That’s where you’ll find courage, forgiveness, love, joy, peace and freedom from all that’s oppressing you.
Father I pray for my sister, Alece. I ask you to minister to her heart and restore her joy in you. Give her peace in her soul and faith that you have your hand firmly on her life and that nothing can remove it. Give her overwhelming joy at being your child and let that joy and peace inform her decisions in the days to come. Father, you are a God of love. You have not given Alece a spirit of fear, but of power and love and self-control. I thank you for my sister Alece and all that you have done in your heart and I rejoice for her, knowing that you will be faithful to complete the work you have begun. -Amen.
Hope this was of some comfort to you in this season. If you’re ever in Phoenix, you gotta look me up! Also sorry about procrastinating on the Nicaragua pics for….uhm…. a year and a half. I swear it’ll happen one of these days.
THIS is just what I needed to read today. Even though you wrote for Alece, what a good reminder to ALL of us who are His children. Thank you for the blessing!
@me_b says:
Praying for you, your heart, your dream, and your courage.
@atangie says:
fyp
oh my yes. I know this place of lacking courage too. most certainly praying for your heart, for courage and peace and even the tiniest spark of ability to dream again.
@moweezle says:
praying, my dear!
@claygirlsings says:
I’m so blessed by the way he is using you even while your heart is healing. And that’s what this sounds like – a time of healing. Rest in God, look for God, in due time he will give your heart a new dream.
While in the healing, I pray God breathes courage into you.
“But no one except Lucy knew that as it circled the mast it had whispered to her, “Courage, dear heart,” and the voice, she felt sure, was Aslan’s, and with the voice a delicious smell breathed in her face.” — Voyage of the Dawn Treader, the albatross speaks to Lucy while the boat tries to escape the Dark Island.
@cassgirl says:
FF… tips of my toes hit the surf today…
Love you!
@sonsti7 says:
Absolutely! Praying for just that for you friend — Courage.
I can’t imagine this pain, Alece! I will be praying for you….
@sonnylemmons says:
May you find the courage you need to face what lies ahead. May you find that you have shoulders to lean on and be honest with when the lies that are whispered to you almost overpower the Love in your heart. May you find peace, strength, renewal, rebirth, and a killer coffee shop along the journey. Know you have friends. Rhetoric-free ones. :)
@pa3cia says:
“God heals the broken-hearted…”
praying you find the kind of healing that only He can give my friend. He knows how tender your heart is at this moment. He knows each heartbreak, each pain, each time your hope was shattered. not everyone understands…but He knows. praying that His Spirit comforts you in such a personal way.
@sonsti7 says:
Absolutely! Praying for that courage that your heart needs friend!
praying..
I’m thankful for your brave, obedient heart! And even if you don’t feel like you are brave or obedient, you need to know that YOU ARE.
Praying for you!
Thank you for posting. I can understand these feelings…most DEFINITELY. Praying 4 u.
Prayers for you always sweet friend…..whenever you need them………..
Prayera-a-plenty on their way heavenward!
@marniarnold says:
Alece…I will pray for your heart. I know that fear, that pain…I am there myself in my own moment right now. However, this is about you – not me. The verse of scripture that comes to mind was my grandmother’s favorite verse out of the Old Testament:
“…Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” -Joshua 1:9 (NIV)
He is with you, Alece – every moment, every breath, every step, every place. I will pray for your heart to find peace in this truth.
Know I am here if you need to talk.
I’m praying for you, Alece.
I’ve never met you – but I just love your heart, every last little shattered piece of it. You are so lovely.
@HethieBaby says:
My words for this year are “Be Still.” Because I also find myself in situation which require courage and bravery. I’m more of a rush-in-like-a-bull-in-a-china-shop type of person; so instead of just rushing into things before I’ve had a chance to think about it, I want to “Be Still” and pray and seek the Lord about these things.
Trust His heart, when youcan’t find what you need in your own. He will never fail you. He’s so faithful, so trustyworthy.
Blessings,
~ Heather Joy
I could say a lot of things…. but instead I am lifting my prayers up to Heaven… Cause only He can cause your heart to dream again. Love you
@_kingsdaughters says:
Oh you precious thing! Am praying, God is soooooooooooo faithful, just trust in Him xxxx
Yes, I will.
that last paragraph could probably come from my journal. and, you know what’s funny? i wrote my post today before i even came over here to look if you updated. i love you, friend and i know. if it means anything, i see courage when i look at you. i can’t even imagine the strength your life now requires – it’s amazing to see God working…to see Healing come and take His place. it gives me hope.
praying right now – and wishing i could hug your neck this weekend. you & prudy & tracee will just need to hug each other one extra time for me.
@allison0105 says:
Yes. I hear you. I will pray for you.
God is so awesome. Before looking at any of the above posts, I prayed Joshua 1:9 over you. I’m asking God for courage that is beyond me right now too. My pastor spoke a great message and said “do what you can do and trust God with what you cannot do”. That phrase gave me peace that God is well aware of my weakness. He knows I want to but sometimes just can’t. I felt like God telling me when I can’t…He can.
@zizzivivizz says:
Praying for you.
@tonyjalicea says:
Praying for courage…and Dream Year Weekend. Asking that He deposits courage in your heart and you get sparks of hope and the beginning of dreams awakened.
@bahava says:
praying praying. <3
Will be praying and hoping with you and for you.
@CandySteele says:
Praying for a more-than-enough amount courage. He will provide it. http://bible.us/Ps147.3.NIV
Yep friend, praying your heart is unlocked and free to dream again.
Ah, girl….. I hear you.
I’m reminded of the old song, “Did You Feel The Mountains Tremble?” Today, may you feel everyone’s prayers for you in a supernatural, extra-powerful way.
praying for you, right now and this week as you attend.
@lindseyfoj says:
My husband and I too just left South Africa 4 months ago….and while the story is different and long…I have found myself, much like you described above down to the very words.
I had a friend say to me, “Lindsey, you don’t know how many people would be encouraged just to know that YOU don’t know. You have always been a person who had it all together and knew what she wanted and set out to conquer it and did it. Most people live their whole lives scared and unsure of what is next. Now, they could look at you and say, ‘Wow! She isn’t perfect!’” (and that’s okay!)
It’s funny how others view us and we just know our mucky, murky selves, but that conversation gave me hope that I was not alone in this HUGE unknown and that is was OKAY to NOT KNOW or HAVE A PLAN or A DREAM….for a little while.
I am praying for you for courage not to HAVE to present a beautiful package to Him or to the world…but to just present YOU — beautiful and amazing and broken! Well…..maybe I am really praying that for myself! HA!
Praying that your journey this week is filled with whispers from the Master’s heartbeat.
@nateonamission says:
for sure my friend. you always have my prayers.
Alece,
My heart goes out to you. You are going to be OK. Just take it moment by moment and allow yourself to feel everything. A book that I would like to suggest is “Just Enough Light For The Path I’m On” It has totally helped me with my shattered dreams, and the divorce I went through/ I’ll be praying for you-and thank you for sharing so much GRIT!!!! You are real, and you are awesome!
Sorry-the book is Just Enough Light For The Step I’m On, not path
Hope I get to see you!!! Praying for you always! :)
I know it’s only my 2 cents, but I so know what you mean when the words of others, although nice and thoughtful, just don’t add up to much. They just can’t stop the pain. I can feel that reality with you.
Praying we both come out on the other end better, more faithful, servants in all of this.
Thank you for sharing your heart so diligently. We love you Alece. And not because of your story, your past, your blog, your successes or failures. We love you.
@traceepersiko says:
I am excited to forrest gump our way through dream year together. I wish i could protect your heart from pain and uninvited two cents. You are brave. you have always chosen the hard. Even what is not perceived as hard to you, like SA, it’s the risk of choosing something bigger than you. You are brave to believe that big. You are exhausted, but all of that big belief is still how you risk who you are, as well as, your heart. You are always offering you. You are brave in just being you – messy, honest, real, and unedited you. Grateful
praying friend
I do not in anyway intend to sound flippant with what I’m about to say so please know that. I wanted to share a quote with you that is short and simple and sums up the only thing I could scrape myself up off the floor and do for many days in the last season of my life.
“When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.” -Thomas Jefferson
It truly took every cell in my body to do just that some days, and some days, that is all you have to do.
Hang on…
*blinking*
still praying for you as many times as I blink my eyes…it’s as natural as breathing now.
until i see your face, snuggle on the couch, and get oreo teeth w/ you…
@LindseyHartz says:
Oh, should have read this before I sent you that message :-(
Pondering this verse today…
“You are a letter…written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God.” 2 Corinthians 3:3 NIV
These words give me such reassurance- to know that my life, my heart, my dreams— they are all written out for me already in the very breath God breathes, in His voice, in His arms wrapped tight around me. And that He will reveal each next word, next sentence, next chapter in my life as soon as He deems me ready.
I have learned such sweet, difficult dependance on Him this past year. Praying your bond with our precious Father strengthens all the more as you walk this long, hard road. We love you!
me too.
Praying for you!!
People and the things they do to other people can (at times) be heartless. The hard part, is separating that hurt into becoming a healthy human. The hurt makes us stronger, takes us places and puts so many things in retrospect. But the fact that the hurt actually has happen (sucks and), is one of the hardest things to deal with/overcome…
deciding what to do next, will of course be hard, because….you followed your heart once (and many many times actually) and what did you end up with (yes you have tons of grand attributes but). the next steps you take (which will be lots and long and take you far!!!!) are very defining. Each morning you wake, decide what do to for the day, is one step closer to where you are going/who you are becoming. Yeah, the world is your oyster…blah, blah, blah. Life is what you make if it…..etc, etc…..BUT when your course was so set (in a way)….you had a plan, you were following the “plan” and situations caused it to change dramatically). Why would you even want to ever follow your heart again? What would make you want to jump completely in, when ‘this’ could happen again? No one will really be able answer that for you, of course, but you have courage every day when you decide to even step towards the new steps you will take or start defining your future way. (and you are making them even now, but they probably feel like inch by inch.) AS you look to His hand, and rely on Him, the new desires will unfold…..I really don’t even know how to end this, just totally praying for you!!! My new plan, is working on being more self-reliant and self-confident—which without God, would not be possible. SOOOO glad I know Him…just think how it would be if we did not know Him.
@XCWATERBOY says:
While I grieve for the pain in your words I love the normalcy you bring to missions. You weren’t weird or uber-religious or crazy you just discovered what you wanted to do and you went for it. It might not of been local or typical or “safe” by most people’s standards but it’s what you wanted to do.
I’m not one for cliche and you noted you don’t want it so at this point fortunately or not I don’t have much else to add. You did say you needed the courage that everything is going to be ok. So I can’t tell you what to do next but the Bible does note “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
Peace and Blessings Alece
@amandasims says:
Praying for you friend. This may not make any sense, but I’d be happy to dream for you until you can do it for yourself.
Love you. Can’t wait to meet you for real in a few weeks!
@nicoleunice says:
praying. I can’t stop thinking about what “take heart” means. I don’t know the answer. But I’ll be praying for Jesus’ words to be real to you today and this week.
Alece,
I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU.
I can imagine how easy it could be to let your heart sit and sink into numbness, into not engaging with the pain of a heart that wants to have passion… a passion you can work for instead of looking at the project that was once filled with it.
I am praying for you, for your heart, and for Jesus to tangibly bring friends, words, hugs and his voice to sit and simply hold you.
love you.
@bajanpoet says:
I so feel the loss of identity as dreams and passions are ripped from underneath you. You have my heart, and my prayers…
Alece,
I hear you. In some ways, I have this so much easier than you. Because when my life as I know it fell apart, the children were left with me, and so one foot in front of the other was a requirement for my kids – gotta keep them going, grounded, functioning, etc. I don’t know what to do or where to turn, other than to my Heavenly Father – and oh, how thankful I am for HIM! – but the day to day routine here didn’t change overnight.
How my heart hurts for you … just wanted you to know that I am praying for you. For the Lord to show you just where He wants you to be, at just the right time. And I am praying for your courage. Know there are people lifting you before the Throne of Grace, daily.
Are you familiar with “Hind’s Feet in High Places”? I am reminded of Much Afraid in the mist in the darkness and she can’t see her way. She calls out to the Good Shepherd and He comes. When she says ” I can’t see my way!” He says “trust that I can see the path marked clearly.”
Praying that He comes quickly to your side and brings comfort and the Word you need most. And all the courage, yes, that too.
thank you for pouring out your heart. that takes courage. your words are gift.
praying for your heart and that you would be able to dream again.
@han_kyoul says:
i’m with you on the extra prayer, Alece.
Lord, bless Alece with the courage to dream, bless her with your passion. Bless her, keep her, make your face shine on her. Let her feel your arms of love around her shoulders. Be a light to her footsteps. Be with Alece and be her back-up plan. in the blessed name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, AMEN!
Praying for you.
And if you ever make your way back to ATL, I’d LOVE to buy you a cup of coffee in exchange for a few moments chat. You inspire me.
Oh, Alece, I am praying for you. Praying that the courage you seek will be sent your way, that you will find God as you look for him. ::hugs::
Ugh. I feel this. I know this. Praying.
I had a whole paragraph typed out but then deleted it.
I love you…. and you know I am praying for you, regularly, consistently, and believing even when your believer feels scarred and battled and broken.
love you…
@PrudyChick says:
I am praying for your heart. For courage. For dreams that you can’t see. For peace. Love you friend.
praying!
@Melissa_Rae says:
Praying for you!
@JCWert says:
Praying for you.
And courage is what you shall have!
Praying for you this week…know that you alone are enough and speak from that place. It will be well received and exactly what needs to be both shared and received…
Alece-Prayed for you today. Wishing you comfort and courage.
Thinking of and praying for you….
Cole
oh, alece. i’ll hold the rhetoric for sure.
love you.
and i keep praying.
@crittyjoy says:
I have been struggling with this topic lately… dreams and wondering if my heart has any left.
Praying for you. Lots. Praying He opens that heart wide and gives you the dream you did not even know you were waiting for.
Hugs to you sweet Alece.
Alece, bless you, dear girl. No words needed to explain. I so GET you and your post. May God give you the courage that you need. You are strong b/c your strength comes from Him. Keep trusting Him. Bless you heaps.
Stephie
@coloraturajoy says:
You have hundreds of people on your side, rooting for you, praying for you.
It’s okay to not be brave enough. And to not yet know how to dream as big as your heart once knew how to.
Just know that the Lord is God, and it’s HE who made us, and not we ourselves. He will be your courage and your bravery and your hope and your song, when you are ready to sing.
I am praying for you, believing that this trip will be used by the Lord to uplift you and to encourage and strengthen you. Love you, girl.
@danielleH says:
*big hug*
love you, friend.
this post is incredibly brave… *big hug*
Hey, I briefly referenced you in a post. Thanks for sharing the journey with me. Still praying for you, sweet girl.
http://alliaskforanymore.blogspot.com/2011/01/hope-maketh-not-ashamed.html
im praying for you. have a wonderful weekend!
@jeffgoins says:
I totally feel ya. I’m right with you when it comes to being afraid of dreaming. Excited to walk thru this weekend with you. I know that you’ve got another dream in you, though. Praying for it to become clear this weekend.
@christypolek says:
I love you. So much.
Praying for your heart and the dreams that will come.
And sending huge hugs your way as well. Always.
Grieve. Let it out. Its a process, but God is with you all the way, I know the ‘coming home’ takes more courage-its difficult and when you havent gone thru it, it seems strange.but its sos true. Blessings to you and way to go being so honest. God hears you and He can fill your heart with dreams, maybe something you have no idea, but He wants us at the end of ourselves and hopeless then He will fill us, He promised!
Im right here with you, feeling like I’ve been dropped on my head…trusted in something that maybe I shouldn’t have and now that fell apart where do I go, how do I hope for something new, how do I trust one more time….It’s gonna have to be God, cuz me I wanna run away and never look back!
@NolanBobbitt says:
It was a tremendous blessing to briefly meet you this weekend! I have been been reading through your blog the last several minutes and I am just blown away by your gift for writing! May the God of unconditional love give you the relentless courage you need at this season of life and grieving and may He birth within you the most beautiful dream imaginable that you will live out in the next act of your journey! I am very excited to see your next chapter further revealing His Glory!
I was going to join in with the voices promising prayer for courage. And then I realised something…real courage is when you don’t know how, or what, or when. Not how to get from point A to B, but when you don’t know if B exists. When it’s dark and bleak. Courage.
My sweet friend…you already HAVE that courage. You’re doing it. Even though you don’t realise it. It’s in you and so evident to those around you. I don’t need to pray for you to have something that’s already there. I pray that you are gently but relentlessly reminded who you are in Christ, that you are deeply, deeply loved, treasured and valuable. And that the seed of courage within you (for that’s all that you need) is watered in the tears shed & prayers sighed, and that it grows strong and immovable – it’s planted in very good soil.
@bryanallain says:
hope you enjoyed Dream Weekend Alece, praying that God gives you clarity as you seek Him.
good to see you again!
Praying for you, your heart your dreams your courage
We can all use a little more courage and clarity. Praying for you!
as surely as the dawn it will happen……The Lord will spark in your heart more courage, a dream, a passion….
Lam 3:22-23 (NASB) 22The LORD’S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. 23They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.
and remember its the darkest before the dawn breaks
and the Lord will use anything to bring out courage in us…even if it looks like a 19 year old who thinks she is being naive and foolish when the Lord is really using her and she is being brave :-)
praying for you
Wow, how I simply remember that day in 2000 when it was all over – there was nothing left, no money, not even a friendly church pew in town.
During that time the Lord gave me a simple revelation (when I am weak He is strong, that sort of thing) and I found a passage that I had never understood. It became the bases for a book I have written and a school that I am in the middle of teaching.
Each one of us deals with the trials of life differently. I with just pray that He is faithful and shows that to you.
I appreciate that you wrote:
“While I appreciate the heart behind those statements, please—I beg you—spare me the rhetoric. Please hang onto your two cents and your platitudes. It’s not as easy as just “deciding what I want to do next”. Maybe it should be. But it isn’t.”
It’s honest…my heart goes out to you…taking those “platitudes” to heart and going with them seems to make us even more vulnerable to pursuing idols instead of waiting on the Lord to move. Crap! Waiting SUCKS! Seeing a purpose in all of this destruction SUCKS! But somehow, someway it’s ministering to people…and God does it in ways that don’t look like God because our view of God is skewed by what others say about him, or some dogma brought on by other people who are fallen and aren’t quite getting it right…
I hope the ‘rita tasted good! (from Twitter)
@winsomsouls says:
Praying for courage for you. Praying for peace, love, hope, joy and comfort. Praying His healing touch on your heart. God is faithful. He is sovereign. That truth has gotten me through the days I want to quit. He has a purpose in allowing these things to happen. He is purifying us and pruning us through these horrible times. He never sleeps, He never leaves us, He never forsakes us.
Praying
This is beautifully well written. I did not have the courage to go to africa as I was called at 19. I did finally at 40. You will dream again, you are alive and feeling.
Alece,
Thanks for sharing this and for being so REAL, These are the time to thank God for the greater things that lie just around the corner!!!
this is fantastic ….THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU XX