the greatest regret of my life
Those months of being emotionally beaten and battered changed me.
They turned me into someone I despise. Someone who is gripped by far too much fear.
I became scared to death of sudden changes in my relationships. I doubt people’s intentions, trustworthiness, and loyalty. I fear that those I love and hold close are going to leave or replace me. I don’t believe that I’m worth loving, even when others say I am.
Those four months left me indelibly scarred.
And in those fleeting moments when I am completely honest with myself, I am forced to admit:
I wish I’d loved myself enough to get out.
Somewhere in that four month period, I should have made the choice to leave.
But I was too afraid.
Afraid of the people who wouldn’t understand my decision. Afraid of being alone. Afraid of not being the good, Godly wife. Afraid to stand up for me.
And while I knew what I would have told anyone else in my position, I couldn’t bring myself to make that same decision for me.
So I stayed in a situation that was harmful and unhealthy. I allowed him to continue his cruel and intentional abuse of my heart.
I sacrificed me for the sake of us.
An us that didn’t even exist anymore. An us that he’d walked away from a long time ago. An us that was an ideal rather than a reality.
While I ultimately desired restoration in my marriage, I shouldn’t have clung to that hope at the detriment of my own heart.
Because it just about ruined me.
My greatest regret is that I didn’t value myself enough to leave.
And yet I can’t help but wonder…
If I were back in that position right now, knowing what I do, would I be able to make the hard choice to get out?
I honestly don’t know…
Abuse (of any kind) is manipulative, controlling, and strangely “comfortable” like that.
And that leaves me feeling sick inside.
the intentionality is the scary part for me. in my small way, i’ve been there. and making decisions is always better with a big, hot-frothy cup of friendship.
hug.
Praying for you… what a hard time.
Hugs!!!
Xoxo,
C
i just came to a very similar realization today: I need to be brave enough to allow the Lord to bless me. i cannot and have never been able to grasp the idea that God wants to BLESS me. I need to let Him. I need to let Him comfort and love me…that involves letting me make choices that will benefit myself–because it will ultimately glorify God in me.
Thanks for sharing. =) I need to work on valuing myself as well.
@gritandglory says:
oh my dang, that is a constant struggle for me. i’ve shared often on The Grit how difficult it is for me to make any decision that benefits or prioritizes me. i know that added to the paralysis i felt in those months.
praying for both of us tonight — that we’d start seeing ourselves the way He sees us, and valuing ourselves the way He values us.
The more you write, and I continue to read… the more you remind me of me. I truly believe you will come out on the other side of this stronger than you have ever been before, and you will realize how precious you are and how much you are worth!
I sat down and cried this afternoon when I realized that my wedding would be in ten days. I know that I made the right decision for me, and I KNOW that I am worth more than what I was put through. I really wish that day would come and go quickly so that I no longer have to be reminded by others of what could soon be coming! I wish they would realize that I am MUCH better off without him!
@gritandglory says:
i understand both sides of “anniversaries” like that. my heart aches with you…
@bahava says:
praying for you. right now.
thank you for acknowledging that there isn’t a standard, fail-safe response to abuse, neglect, and pain. for acknowledging that sometimes the healthy/”right” response is to walk away, and sometimes it’s to hold your ground and dig deeper.
I’m praying for discernment for you. mm yes, discernment so that even if your heart still aches, at least it won’t be with the uncertainty of your decision and the maybes and what ifs of the past. discernment to see that ultimately, you are more whole and complete now than you’ve ever been. discernment so that you can see what I see, cause daaaamn is it beautiful in its imperfection.
@gritandglory says:
your last sentence made an enormous smile spread across my face. thank you, kay.
and i’m glad you heard my heart in my words. i’m not saying anyone else in my position “should have” left. all i know is that i should have. but you’re right. there isn’t one right way to handle things like this.
and the most any of us can do is the best we can in that moment. and sometimes all that means is simply getting through the day. i feel like that’s how i spent those months… and maybe… maybe that’s okay.
I don’t know you, but I’d sure like to sit down for a cup of tea with you. I’m reading your story and finding so much common ground. So much that it’s really uncomfortable at times. And yet, reading your writing reminds me that my situation isn’t so very unique, that I am not alone in this O-so-human experience. And neither are you.
@gritandglory says:
sometimes the greatest part of my day is simply the overwhelming realization that i’m not alone.
and who knows… maybe there’s some tea and conversation in our future.
I know our situations were different, but the greatest regret of my life is not being able to walk away. I’d like to blame it on the fact that he was just that good at manipulating me. But I think it says more about me, than it does about whatever skill he may or may not have had.
Its been 6 years and I am only beginning to feel like I could stand up to him, that I could walk away, that I could put me first. Because until recently knowing everything I knew, I still don’t know if I would have had the strength to walk away from him again. My greatest fear was that I would run into him at the bank, the grocery store, or just walking down the street and I would fall under his spell all over again.
I wanted him to love me. It hurt knowing he didn’t. I would have done anything to get him to love me again, to take away the doubts and fears and pain that came from his absence, and that scares the crap out of me.
@gritandglory says:
i understand what you mean, ashley. and i think it’s their manipulation/control combined with our …. i don’t know what …. that made the situations as “lethal” and ensnaring as they were for both of us.
i remain in awe of your heart and your journey. i see His healing at work in you.
@ventigrace says:
I don’t have words… just tears.
@gritandglory says:
Me too, Kitty. I wish there wasn’t an ocean between us…
I think you need to go back and forgive that girl—the girl that you were then. She was only doing what she had to do at the time. Maybe it was the right decision; maybe it was the wrong one. Either way, you will need to forgive her. Forgive her for not being what you wanted her to be.
I am holding you close to my heart today and praying for healing. You are much stronger than you think you are—and your story is a blessing to so many. Hang in there!
Carrie,
Those are very, very, VERY wise words that absolutely clenched my heart. I needed to hear that advice myself!
Ooooh. That was nail on the head good.
Ah man. That hurt to read. You have such a way with words, Alece. Each one of them resonated with me.
Earlier I was thinking about how you’re like a tree. When we cut open trees, we can count the rings to determine their age, and are able to see evidence of the things they’ve gone through in their life. There has been layers of cruelty you’ve endured at the hands of another’s betrayal and selfishness. They’ve left their mark. They’ve left rings.
I won’t repeat all the tree analogies you’ve heard before about things like how trees actually get stronger with storms. You already know this. But as we keep reading in these entries, it’s clear you have your days – increasingly more so – where you’re getting stronger.
I’m reminded of your precious grandma, and the wisdom she could share with you.
I so want the pain to be less for you each day. Each day is a day closer to the someone who will blow your mind at what she’s become.
Oops, too late to edit… meant to write “they’re HAVE been layers…”
@gritandglory says:
WOAH. carrie, that about knocked me over. because i know you are right. i’ve found it easier to forgive my husband than i have to forgive me. i need to deal with my heart on that.
THANK YOU for speaking so boldly.
After I wrote it, I wondered if I had crossed a line—-I’m glad you understood that I was only trying to help. You are strong, Alece. Much stronger than you think.
Ahhh, regrets… The who, what, where and when of it all. I wonder, had you done things differently if you would now be thinking, regretting THAT decision and how it’s impact may have affected your future…..
You see, you will never be able to regret giving up, or giving in too quickly. You fought for what you believed to be God’s heart in the situation back then. Personally, I applaud you for the decisions that you made in a tough situation. You depict and live out courage daily as you press forward to claim all God has for your future.
Remember on your journey of healing that God is a God of relationship… push through and hold onto that. Speaking from personal experience, it is the hardest to regain yet has the greatest value and continues to challenge me…. trust.
Praying for you
@gritandglory says:
i needed to hear that, too — that i won’t regret giving up too soon. i won’t wonder “what if i hung on a little longer?” and there is freedom in that.
thank you, june. you’ve strengthened my heart so much lately.
ya know how when you read something and it is just so “you” that you have to close your eyes?? close your eyes becuz it pierces to the core of who you are?
i closed my eyes many times while reading this. especially when it came to, “i wish i’d loved myself enough to get out”. what i have also come to realize is that i wish i would have realized how much the Lord loved me and that my worth comes from Him alone!
but…for whatever reason i realized those things, or God gave me the courage…later…..it ended when it ended, there is no changing the decisions that you or i made.BUT we sure know ourselves and our God better becuz of it. i wouldn’t change THAT for the world
love ya!!
@atangie says:
You know, I have realized that when the hard times come my tendancy is to curl up in a ball and hope that things blow over and get better. Hearing you tell your story and chose to be a risky lady made me realize something else. When Jesus said to “turn the other cheek” He was telling us to face the problem. You are doing that so well. You are facing the issues that formerly bound you. You are being honest and raw. I am proud of you.
When my husband was teaching on the cheek thing earlier this month he said something along the lines of: I’ll turn the other cheek once, and maybe turn around and let you kick my two butt cheeks; after that I am going to duck.
I think that you will be able to notice it if the cycle starts again. Even if you don’t I still love you.
@gritandglory says:
oh my dang, it’s like a-ha day over here. i’ve never thought about that… turning the other cheek is choosing to look the person who wounded me in the eye.
i’m gonna be thinking about that for a long time…
Abusive relationships can become our comfort zone just as easily as anything else. I maintained abusive and dangerous relationships well past the 4 month mark. I only recently realized there is a distinction between Seft-Absorbed and Self-Love. We talk about this a couple of months ago.
Yeah. I……. yeah.
*sigh*
I love you.
@cassgirl says:
I am still working on this:
“My greatest regret is that I didn’t value myself enough to leave”
I will too be victorious!
Love you FF!
Yikes. It’s so hard to look back at what was in one’s life with the wisdom that comes after the fact… These are strong words, Alece, and God is doing a strong work in you. For that, I can praise God wholeheartedly, even if the past makes my chest cringe for you.
@gritandglory says:
me too. i’m praising Him today for how far He’s brought me and the huge things He’s doing right now. (thank you, aubree!)
I know how this feels. Not to the extent that you do but, I do. Praying God shows you just how special and important you are! He treasures you and your heart.
@bajanpoet says:
You inspire me, Alece.
I love u
I can’t think of anything else to say (and me being speechless says a lot!)
((why why WHY did i not get out)) ((what was i thinking? was i thinking?)) ((what is wrong with me?))
…i hate that your brain is singing a similar song as what i sang. i want to change the record for you…
“I sacrificed me for the sake of us.” i am thinking of what Christ did for us as i read this… sigh…
my heart hurts with you today friend. *big internet hug*
@PrudyChick says:
Jenny I thought of you too when I was reading this post. Of the pain, hurt, manipulation. Your abuses were different but still all the same. Prayers for continued healing and thanking God for that awesome husband of yours.
I am so thankful too :)
sin wears such an ugly face. especially when it comes in the form of abuse of any kind…
@gritandglory says:
i was really wanting to hear your thoughts on this one, jenny. i know you understand this all too well. isn’t it sickening and maddening how abuse can be strangely “comfortable”? i don’t know if that’s the right word, but i have a feeling you know what i mean.
Reading your post this morning I was like, “yep… yep… totally understand… been there… i get it… felt that” – TOTALLY resonated with everything you said. I still remember the day I had a “come to Jesus” minute on the stairs w/myself and God and I thought, “Ok, this is not normal. At all. Why am I here. How did I get here. why am I staying, how would i leave, what would leaving look like even?”
It does become like a second skin… comfortably uncomfortable. unsafely safe.
the terrible “known” is better than the worse “unknown” ugh.
Yeah… that knot of emotion is back again this morning.
This morning, it was personal. This morning, I want to know what caused me (other than being 11.) to not ask for help to get out of a bad situation.
I hate this for the both of us. Praying you see Him fighting for you today.
@gritandglory says:
if you haven’t yet, you should scroll up and read carrie’s comment. maybe it’s for you, too…
Sometimes I feel like my words just ring hollow. Like in Romans 8, I’m trusting the Holy Spirit to pray for me in groanings too deep for words. Words just seem inadequate right now. Let me just say this – I hate what’s been done to you, the actual things done and the repercussions of them. I hate that you are hurting. And that I can’t do anything about it.
Also, I love you, my friend. That’s all. I love you.
I think that we can all relate to that sentiment of not loving ourselves enough to make change. I, too, fear being alone, (many probably said I married out of desperation. On paper, he doesn’t/didn’t look so great, but I like to think that God has a different plan for it). And the fear of being alone can cause one to do (or not do) unwise, illogical, or otherwise unhealthy things. Emotional torture/manipulation is the worst, though. The scars are almost invisible, but remain raw for months, years, even decades. I pray you continue to feel/find freedom from those chains, that the scars from the clutch of someone else’s sin heal, are made new. Thank you for your boldness in baring it for us. We grow, watching you grow.
@PrudyChick says:
Hugs my friend.
Pretty much all I can say. Because that’s all I’d do if I were with you is just give you a hug and pray over you. Which is what I’m doing.
It’s so hard playing the what-if game. It’s never-ending and impossible to win.
If you had left…you would be here today wondering what would have happened had you stayed.
Praying for you today, Alece. Praying that you can make peace with past decisions. Praying that you will be overwhelmed with His presence today. Praying that your favorite song comes on the radio. :)
I’m with Carrie. Forgive the girl you were. I don’t want to say it was “worth it” in any way, but remember all of that has made you who you are now. It’s not okay that it happened to you, but I have to tell you, even in your hurt and pain, Jesus shines right through you. I don’t mean that in a generic way, I mean everytime I read your blog, Jesus shines through YOU. I think this is the kind of honesty He wants from us. Not putting on our shiny masks for the world to see, but saying, “I don’t get this, it hurts, I’m confused, but God I want to love and trust you anyway and I need you.” You are becoming a strong, wise, and beautiful woman. There are people you will connect with and be able to reach that not many others could.
@gritandglory says:
i’m going to take some time to think/pray/cry/journal through the act of forgiving myself. i know i desperately need to.
so grateful to hear that you see Jesus shining through my messy brokenness. He truly is made perfect in our weakness…
We’re all messy and broken. We should all be as honest as you have been. Then we’d feel less alone. This is a beautiful thing you’ve got going here, and I love watching your growth. It’s definitely challenged me in ways I really needed.
Yes. Simply “yes”. The sort of yes that has tears streaming and head nodding and soul clenching back just a bit not wanting to be seen that vulnerably.
Somehow those three words do not encompass my heart nor the days I laid awake with these rampant feelings never described by the words you penned here. They were so contrary to everything I was told about how “strong” I was. I wasn’t strong, I was just so very weak. They never knew the truth. How those regrets threatened to topple me and how, in the end, I was not at all sure what I would choose. It is easier now, four years down this tangled path, to know that the choice he made for me was the one that would lead to eventual healing. I would not change my world now. But I still don’t know if I would be strong enough to have made the choice for myself, and I wish – this time – I could say I love me that much. But the truth of the matter is I am still trapped by a bit of the fear to which you speak. Much more so than I was in those naive years of abuse.
@gritandglory says:
my heart aches with yours, ally. hugging you from here.
Wow. After reading this post I just sat there for a moment…speechless. Thank you for sharing you heart, because in shining light into those areas of your heart that hurt, He is healing you.
Sometimes while the potter is making a pot, he has to ruin it completely, to create something new. Out of the pile of clay, out of the ruins, he can make something far greater.
Cheering you on!
@coloraturajoy says:
“Abuse (of any kind) is manipulative, controlling, and strangely “comfortable” like that.”
I completely get that statement.
This doesn’t even come close to comparing, but I was in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship for three years when I was in college. I literally obeyed and catered to someone who told me that God wanted us together. It took me almost 3 years, about a zillion confrontations from friends and God to finally wake up and realize how sickeningly unhealthy our relationship was. But even at that, I wasn’t the one who was able to step away. God moved in, and shook up our situation. But looking back on it, I wish I had had the inner strength, the self-worth to have ended that relationship long before I lost me in all of it.
I’ve been “free” from that (him) for more than 6 years, but I will say (and I think I’ve said this before), that, though I am beyond happy with my loving husband, I am still not fully free from all the emotional repercussions of it.
Not to say “I know how you feel”…because I don’t. But my heart aches for you understanding the pain that I felt and then seeing how much more deeply yours runs.
But I also see how much strength and courage you have now. And, though I would never wish that road on anyone, I’m thankful for the beauty God continues to create out of this.
@gritandglory says:
wow, JR. thank you for sharing that. you understand all too well the deceptive entrapment of emotional abuse. trusting with you that God who is “faithful to complete” what He started is continuing His healing work in your heart. and mine.
but, God. what a work you are allowing Him to do in you. what a work!
courage, my friend. you show much courage…..because of Him who lives in you.
i love your raw honesty. painful to think about, but love the honesty, still.
got your back today in prayer.
@pa3cia says:
you sent me an email about me encouraging you last night. here is the reason why i understand how it feels to have your heart pained and torn.
from a baby till i was 4 my real dad physically abused us. my mother finally left him when he pulled a gun against me and my sister’s head. when i was 6 my mom remarried someone who had sexually abused me till i was 14.
each time it happened i told her. each time i told her she stayed.
as a mother, i will protect my child from any harm. so i never understood WHY my mother allowed all of that to happen to me. only till i came to the Father and asked Him to try to understand her heart. she was gripped with fear. and she numbed it out….not really knowing how to act and what to do. it was guilt, shame, pain.
it ruined her. and because she was ruined….it ruined us. (till Jesus came into our lives)
this sentence: “Abuse (of any kind) is manipulative, controlling, and strangely “comfortable” like that…” explains it all.
im glad you got out before it could thoroughly damage you to the point of extreme numbness. as much as it hurts, God is still merciful ms alece. He didn’t allow you to stay in that relationship any longer.
praying for you to know how deep and wide and vast His love for you is, even during this time of questions, doubts, anger and frustration. it’s okay to feel those things. you need to feel them to be able to heal properly. don’t sugarcoat it just coz you’re a “christian”. He promises to heal the broken hearted. and i know through this process of finding yourself in Him, He will heal your heart.
(ive never posted this much details about my abuse..this is the 1st time im going to let the cat out of the closet (family reads my blog so it’s hard for me to write my heart out there…but i wrote this just for u to encourage you…from someone who’s heart was completely shattered and broken but is now whole and free)
@gritandglory says:
i wish i could hug you right now, patricia. thank you for opening your heart in this space. i am so sorry for the abuse you endured, and for your mom’s silence and paralysis. your heart of forgiveness is so beautiful, and so challenging to me.
thank you for reminding me it was God’s hand of mercy that got me out — no matter the form it came.
i’m thanking God for you today.
I feel so much for you Alece. I think too many people don’t understand the power of abuse and how it can really run somebody’s life.
For example, when I was single I tried E-Harmony. Ironically, they matched me up with a Christian woman who literally lived three buildings away in my apartment complex. (In a town of 300,000, I found that very weird.)
I treated her like a man is supposed to treat her. I’ll be honest in that I wanted to be physical with her (a side effect of my previous addictions) but I fought it and fought it. (Not claiming perfection but I really fought hard.)
In the last month of our “relationship” she kept pushing the physical side of things more and more to the point it made me really uncomfortable. Imagine…a guy who had a sex addiction uncomfortable with a woman throwing herself at him all the time. I started to push her away because it just wasn’t right for us not to be married and doing those things.
She broke up with me two weeks after I started saying no. I came to find out that the boyfriend she broke up with six months before we met routinely abused her emotionally, physically and sexually. She had been abused so much she equated the abuse with love. She thought I didn’t really love her because I wouldn’t use her.
I’d volunteered with ministries to help abused women in the past but I really didn’t understand the power of it until I went through that experience. I’ve heard through the grapevine she finally broke free of the guy and for her sake I hope it’s true.
We all need to be more sensitive to women facing abuse and really work to help them break free of those situations by not bringing condemnation and scorn upon them when they stand up for themselves.
@gritandglory says:
i am so grateful you spoke up here, jason. while it plays out differently for me, i can kind of understand where she was at. it’s as though i’m so accustomed to dysfunction that i don’t know how to embrace healthy. but i want to. i so want to.
@lynselstevens says:
dang woman. i love and respect you so much. you are allowing God to work in you…so powerful to see. I know that our stories are different, but we can relate on the on aspect…we were both abused. and we are both healing. I am glad that you are learning to love yourself more and looking out for your health. love you.
@kamriereed says:
I definately agree. When I am put in positions where I am abused I want to leave but don’t. I am scared to go out of my comfortable and just tell myself atleast you know this is a constant and you will be able to handle it daily. In the end it hurt me and I had to go into the unknown. Throwing myself into uncomfortable situations. I am still uncomfortable but know that this was the road God wanted me to take.
I wasn’t there so I can’t speak to whether or not you should have left. What I pray you do, though, is eventually see the “good” in having stayed, whatever that good may be. I don’t know what it is but I know God does. I also know that God hates divorce and maybe – just maybe – all that ugliness you suffered through will put you in a place to help someone else in the exact same situation. Or perhaps it will make you even more compassionate as you serve at Thrive again. I don’t have any idea. I do know the sacrifice of “you” will make you into more of the person God intends you to be. Every time I wonder why God has me suffer through something, I remember Paul. I read 2 Corinthians 11 & 12 and think of all Paul suffered… and all God has done through that suffering.
I don’t think you didn’t value yourself enough to leave. I think you valued God enough to stay.
Sorry you are having a rough week…my prayers are with you.
I never feel like I have the right words to say, leec-e. ….especially written words, but I will try. I never thought that I was an “Acts of Service” type, but know that what I do now….I don’t only do for Africa…I do for you, because I love you and I believe in you…the whole you. You are worthy of love, I know me saying that doesn’t make you feel it…. but I hope that you can.
@danielleH says:
friend -
these last two posts… i’m not sure what to comment…but know that i’ve read them, that my heart is so sad for you, that i love you…oh i love you. i’m so sorry.
you’re honesty is brave and risky, and i’ve noticed.
hugs.
how do i know when it is right for me to stop this torture… how do i know when it is right for me to leave?
My heart aches for each and everyone hurting from the betrayal of a spouse. I know exactly how it feels. I know the deepest pain, the inability to eat, the inability to sleep, the prayers and tears. I know. I have been there. In in reality, I have moments there, but GOD has given me forgiveness, strength, and love.
I am “standing” for my marriage. I am living a roller-coaster life. He is not a happy person overall, but I believe that it is because the HOLY SPIRIT is working on him. I am strong because of my faith and the strength and love I receive from my Lord. I am a strong person. I could leave and be fine, but right now I feel that God wants me to “stand”.
Have you ever been at this stage? Love to hear this side of it.
I can totally understand how you could feel all the ways that you do.
I think being in the situation and imagining it are two very different things. I want to believe if I was in that situation that I would value myself to leave also, but I can totally see myself doing every thing I can to keep him with me. :(
Please don’t live in regrets…. regrets are paralyzing….
I think the Lord wants you to start picturing a different picture…. it seems you keep seeing yourself back then and now… but what do you see in the future??? (Not asking you to answer this out loud to me now, but to yourself and to God) Maybe you already have….
HUGE HUGS
O Alece!!
I loved you from the moment Lisa-Jo told me to “connect” with you…and then your dear comment on my blog…and now having a few moments to read “you.”
Alece, when do you get back to SA? I have so many questions, prayers, encouragement for you….
It will be two years in April when my husband told me he never loved me and it was not safe to live with me anymore and he was leaving. He was terribly abusive in every way you can be. Emotionally, spiritually, physically, sexually, verbally….he tore me down. i can’t even begin to tell you how i FEEL everything you just read. i wish i didn’t. i wish you didn’t.
in fact, it is an outright miracle of God that i am here in SA, in africa, at all. that was “our” dream and i was quite content that it died with our marriage. then the Lord BLEW this door wide open for me to move and start this school where there is nothing and now here i am….
and now this is becoming too long for a comment. it should be an email. i have to go to bed. i will write the email tomorrow.
know tonight, dear sister…you are being held and loved. i’m standing up with you, for you, tonight in our beloved africa.
~bekah
I do understand.
And, for what it’s worth, thank you for reassuring me that I did, in fact, do the right thing.
More than anything, during that time, I wanted to hold you and remind you of your worth. Of what YOU deserved for YOU… but it’s so hard, too, when our religious society tells you that you’re supposed to stay regardless. It’s hard for each person to find their line and discover when their well-being is being destroyed at the hand of the person who is supposed to love them the most.
I’m not saying marriage shouldn’t be fought for. I’m saying that YOU are worth fighting for. And my biggest prayer is that you will always see in you what I see in you. That you are worthy of all good things, my friend. And nothing less. Never anything less.