the double standard of my heart
For months I’ve been praying for my husband’s heart to return to the Lord.
For Niel to feel the conviction of the Holy Spirit.
For the consequences of his decisions and actions to open his eyes to how deceived he’s become.
For him to hit rock bottom.
For God to do whatever it takes to get his attention.
But if I’m being most honest, I wasn’t as concerned with Niel’s repentance as I was with him feeling the weight of what he’s done.
The reality is that I sometimes still want him to hurt like I’ve hurt, more than I want him to live forgiven and free.
I’ve had to come face-to-face with the double-standard of my heart.
Because my struggle to genuinely pray not only for Niel’s repentance but also for his forgiveness really only means one thing—
I don’t realize just how much I’ve been forgiven for.
I want to accept the work of the cross for my sins, but not for my husband’s.
As if my sins have been lesser.
Or even fewer.
When they are neither.
“…God’s kindness leads you toward repentance.”
I remember gasping out loud when I saw that verse as if with new eyes.
And I’ve wrestled with Him long and hard over the implications of it.
It has taken me a very long time to get to this point, but I’ve begun praying—with tear-filled eyes still—for God’s kindness to lead Niel to repentance.
I’ve started asking God to smother him with His goodness and grace and mercy.
Some days it’s easier to pray that way than others.
Some days I can’t at all.
On those days, I just sit in the reality of what it truly means.
And I pray for God’s kindness to lead me to repentance.
Originally a guest post over at In Progress >
@Nomadstacey says:
Thanks for sharing your current struggle. I know it’s hard and a risk. I appreciate you taking the risk. Thanks for the challenge you presented today too.
I’m sorry that you can even write about this. I’m sorry for how hurt you are. I’m sorry for so much.
Thanks for growing in the midst of everything. Thank you for letting others take care of you. Thank you for letting God take care of you.
Thank you. Thank you for your transparency, for your honesty. I am going through a similar situation, where I am being challenged to pray for someone who hurt me. Some days its really hard and I don’t want to do it. And other days like today I find myself eating breakfast alone with tears in my eyes praying blessings for him. And it’s in those moments that I know that God is truely healing my heart and that bringing me such freedom.
@gritandglory says:
“and it’s in those moments that i know God is truly healing my heart” – i know what you mean. that’s exactly how this feels for me. i know i still have a very long way to go, but i finally feel like i’m making progress. and that is no small thing.
asking Him to hold your heart and bring more of His healing to you today.
look at you taking a risk. i am proud of you!
May I say thank you for just being so transparent? You put into words what is often my heart condition . It’s the kind of condition nobody wants to admit to, but you did and so you blaze the trail for me to as well. I can think of different times over the past few years since I really committed my life to Jesus where my heart motive was not Christlike. But I didn’t admit it to anyone. ‘ Thing is, the One i needed to admit it to, was the One that’s known it all along. Alece, keep letting God use you to write and share because it’s opening eyes. Mmmm, wow. Thank you. Love you.
@gritandglory says:
this felt like such a hug, linda… you have no idea.
and do you even see the transparency in your own words?! i love that. thank you for sharing your heart.
Love it! Can I just say that your “authentic in the moment” is still messing with my brain. I was blog-challenged for THREE – count em – THREE days cuz I was pondering how authentic I could say I really was…
and I love every moment of being challenged in that way… thanks for causing my pondering gerbils to run faster in my brain.
@gritandglory says:
blog challenged for 3 days?! ;) you made me smile so big with that comment!
“But if I’m being most honest, I wasn’t as concerned with Niel’s repentance as I was with him feeling the weight of what he’s done.” Yeah, that’s some serious, transparent truth right there.
I have to check my motives in prayer, also. And accepting – and therefore extending – His forgiveness is something I deal with, too. Sigh.
It’s like the Spirit is taking you deeper and deeper…. and freer and freer. It’s like I get a picture of you coming out into a wide, open space.
@gritandglory says:
thank you for praying me to this place, lisa.
Thank you Alece for this. I needed to hear this. It is God’s kindness that draws me. And it is HIS kindness that will draw others. I am going to let this soak in a bit more.
@bajanpoet says:
I made my comment on Tam’s blog… but I’m proud of you and I love you ….
@mandythompson says:
Did we talk about that? Because the post felt crazy familiar…
@gritandglory says:
we did.
you’re home!
@traceepersiko says:
oh my dang! i love your beautiful heart!! you continue, through your own honesty, enable others to free up some of their hidden heart. That is church! you provide a place of freedom to wrestle and not “have it together” or figured out.
That, YOU, are a gift!
@gritandglory says:
your words feel like a hug. thank you for you.
i… hug.
that’s about all my tired heart can muster right now.
i love you.
You are in my thoughts and prayers! Hang in there! Thanks for sharing.
@gritandglory says:
thank you for your prayers, mary. i appreciate it so much!
Alece – mama and I are praying for you – and that God blesses your ministry!
@gritandglory says:
thank you thank you thank you!
For what it’s worth – when I got to the point of praying for my ex – and his salvation and walk with God, that is when my heart and life started turning around. No, I am not implying that my situation is in anyway related to what you are going through…but forgiveness and love is just that – forgiveness and love. I wasn’t getting it. For so long I actually wanted him to die because I knew he didn’t believe so I knew he wouldn’t receive the tender and precious gifts from God I so desperately was holding onto. How sick is that? But alas, God started healing my heart and light pushed through. I don’t think about him much any more…and when I do, it is with a prayer and more surrender.
I am praying for you Friend.
@gritandglory says:
i’m finding i think about him less and less too. which is both freeing and strange to realize.
i always appreciate the glimpses into your own journey with all this. i learn from you, motts.