spilling my guts
Now that my self-assigned writing project is over, I’m afraid of the direction my blog may go if I write what’s on my mind and heart. So I’m trying to find the balance of being authentic and not letting the Grit morph into something I don’t want it to be.
That being said, I know I need to start the new year off with a good dose of honesty. Brace yourself.
Like the earth after a drought, I’m finding I quickly soak up the love that’s lavished on me, and then—just as quickly—it disappears. I don’t doubt the sincerity of those who love me, it’s just that it all rapidly sinks deep into the parched recesses of my heart, and the rest stays cracked and dry.
I guess that means my love tank ran empty. I’ve been running on empty for a long time.
I feel unloved and unwanted. Worse, I feel unlovable and unwantable. I’m trying to not believe those lies, but nine times out of ten, I do.
I’ve been advised not to worry too much about battling my fears of co-dependency right now. Because I’m in a place where I genuinely need people and need to allow myself to rely on them. The realization of all those things pretty much overwhelms me.
But deep down, I know this much is true: I was not created to be an island. It is okay healthy for me to crave connection and community. There is nothing wrong with a season of being the care taker rather than the caretaker. (That’s confusing, but let that sink in a bit.)
I’m not at all saying any of this to invoke compliments or anything like that. So please don’t. I just knew I needed to be honest with where I’m at, both with myself and with you.
Thanks for continuing to care about this gritty heart of mine, and being willing to read what comes out of it. That means a heck of a whole lot.
I’m (and we) prayin for you Alece.
Your first thoughts here show your good discretion. There are things that should not be accesible to the world wide web. Oi! If only I’d known this a few years ago when I spilled my guts far too much and was left with quite a mess and guts that were hard to put back in. Balance is good. You are doing it well.
Also, yes, there are times we need to be taken care of. Especially when we are frail.
I am praying for you. I pray hat God will fill those parched reccesses with an Ocean of love and joy until they are healed and overlflowing.
Man, I wish I could talk with you in person.
((hugs))
Oh Alece … I remember being in the place where you are … hard to believe truth, hard to accept help, feeling empty, unwanted, unloved … God redeems all that, praise Him! I know He is doing that good work in you. I am praying for strength for you in the journey.
Love you!
There is so much to battle in this world, but the key here is that you are battling to believe the truth instead of lies, when the lies are easier to believe and swallow.
I won’t fill you with compliments… but I will tell you that while no one feels exactly like you do, you are not alone in the feeling overall. And you’re not alone as you go through it; whether you choose to talk about it or not. I’m terribly proud of you for working toward filling in the cracks so your heart can hold all the love that so many are wanting to give.
@atangie says:
So, how can we, as your readers and as your friends, be of assistance to you at this juncture?
I love you.
@cassgirl says:
Where we can’t fill cracks… He will…
I am probably sure that He feels so far away right now, KNOW that He’s so very close…
a breath and a whisper away.
Loving you fiercely …. Won’ stop either!!!
Sometimes, just like our gas tank, we need to refuel our love tank.
Praying for you. I now have gotten my husband to drink out of the Little Red Cups. You get double the prayers.
@danielleH says:
I am here to be relied on…
I am looking forward to walking this journey with you, seeing His healing in your heart and looking back with joy.
And, too bad, you are totally loved and wanted.
@traceepersiko says:
hmmm.. i am gonna have to stick that in the parking lot for another dialogue.
i TOTALLY understand where you are. guess that’s why you have been in my prayers so much…it’s much easier to pray for someone else than myself.
You have taken the important first step by seeking help in whatever is troubling you. Many people have too much pride to seek help.
Writing about a problem is a very good way of thinking it through. We are here to listen to whatever you want to say, and act as a sounding board if you need one.
You are a very giving person, but no one can just give, give, give without running out of emotional energy. It would not be surprising that you need the emotional lift that receiving love will bring you. We are here to help you get that emotional energy back.
I look forward to sharing 2009 with you.
From one gritty gal to another… sometimes the largest lessons we learn in life — about being a leader, a teacher, a counselor — are when we are the follower, the student, the one who shares rather than listens. Blessings and prayers to you in the new year.
yeah…what I heard this weekend on the HONOR CD I listened to was that in a culture of Honor we need to be able to be honest…I know it is hard adn there is a balance…oneI get off of all to often. With that said…we are in this together…..we meaning the collective we and the…you and me we.
On a completely non-deep note…I love the lego man pic….and I love you.
I am praying..I have been praying..I will keep praying. I understand what you are saying. I’ve had many times that I couldn’t even move…I needed help. I know God places special people in our lives at these times to carry us along. Pour out your hearts desires on Jesus…keep talking to Him. HUGS to you!!
I am with Amy on this one…good stuff. Also with Charlene…about the lego guy. I guess I don’t have any thoughts of my own this morning. Yeah, no original material from me today.
marc — thank you…
amy — do my latter thoughts show a lack of discretion? (i might need help figuring that out!) thank you for your last sentence…
debra — “God redeems all that”. i’m clinging…
gitz — thank you for reminding me i am not alone.
@ — i’m not entirely sure. prayers, yes. loving support, yes. beyond that… i have no idea right now.
heidi — “a whisper away”… mmm… thanks for your fierce love.
theresa — double prayers are awesome!
yeller — “looking back with joy”. i canNOT wait.
trace — park it, girl. park it.
jane — it’s always easier for me to pray for others too.
ed — you did it again. thank you!
TM — you said that so well. thanks…
char — i love lego-man, too!
jennifer — i can’t tell you how overwhelming it is to know that people like yourself, whom have never met me, are praying so strongly for me. thank you more than i can say.
mottsarella (yes, kristi, that’s you) — your mom’s original material.
Thank you for your constant honesty and sensitivity. This hits me right now, because I’m feeling low. I’m feeling like our marriage is getting knocked about a bit, and I’m wondering why and what I can do, should do, can’t do, what is going on, etc. I don’t even know if it’s serious or not. Just … like a snow globe being all shook up, and before the little snowflakes know which direction to fall. That’s right now. Tomorrow I may feel better. I don’t know. anyway. Thanks for your honesty. It’s an encouragement.
mmmmm.
gosh I love you friend. I thought this was EXTREMELY well written without revealing the unneccessary details. All that matters is how those details have made you feel and how you are dealing with them.
Know that all of us here (I’m gonna go ahead and assume…I think I’m safe) love you very much and will always love you and be here….however you may need us. You are that special TO US.
love you friend.
I’d have to agree with Danielle.
Too bad, because you are loved and wanted.
I hope we can widen the ratio of how many times you believe you aren’t wanted over how many times you believe you really are.
annie — the snow globe analogy was perfect. i understand all too well. thank you for your honesty, friend.
branmuffin — i know you love me; and i’m so grateful.
becca — i hope so, too. thank you for telling me…
My heart echoes the cry from your own.
Thank you for your honesty.
My heart echoes the cry from your own.
Thank you for your honesty.
For me there are times when we need community more than community needs us. That is why there is community – to surround a person in loving arms.
With that in mind, know that I will offer up this prayer for you. I pray that God
I’m a visual person. That Lego picture speaks to me.
I once saw a picture of you on the Thrive website at one of the women’s conferences. The picture shows just you and one woman, off by yourselves. Your forehead is pressed against hers. Your eyes are closed and your hands are on each side of her head, praying for her. It is a private moment.
I can’t tell you how often I pray that that is what you are sensing these days — God holding YOU as you held that woman close, ministering to her, only now it’s Him with His hands holding your head and your heart, ministering to you.
Praying for you.
You are loved, far and wide, remotely and closely, with words and with silence from many hearts, and many lands!
My prayer is that you can see the perfect love through the imperfect vessels, and know what is true.
I pray joy for you and I pray peace for this journey through a valley, which will hopefully one day be an experience that will bring encouragement to others that may pass through later!
Hmm, keep on sharing your heart….keeping it real, grit and all cause I truly believe that is what life in Christ is all about…being REAL, being TRUE! Keep on getting good at simply BELIEVING the TRUTH about who He is IN you, sister!! Love and hugs! xoxo
jean — let’s talk.
michael — your prayers are perfect. thank you.
lisa — wow. that is one of my favorite pictures. thank you for giving it such rich meaning.
lauretta — you know i always love when you crawl out of your lurking cave. love you, friend.
kari — i am trying really hard to stay real … thanks for recognizing that.
The love I feel for you can’t be explained. The God of the universe can see to it that two people with an ocean separating them can be drawn together by words on a page.
Know this: Your heart is safe with me.
woah.
WOAH.
thank you, my sweet friend. thank you.
so hard to be honest like that. but how freeing! thank you for that.
you are beautiful. and you are loved. and you are wanted by the God of the universe.
so so sorry your valley is dark right now. it won’t always be.
and I echo cindy. she’s just more eloquent than me.
“it won’t always be.” those four words hold promise. thank you, friend.
@mandythompson says:
I know I’ve been out of the loop for the past month, but be assured that you’ve been on my mind more than I’ve reached out to tell you…
And, as for your worries of “the grit”, well, what I fell in love with here was the GRIT and the GLORY of your life. It’s what I love about you as well.
Keep ‘em coming. Love you much…
@tamhodge says:
i wont say it. but you know!
mandy — thanks for that reassurance…
tam — mmmm…
that was beautiful Alece! i love you