something’s gotta give
Two years ago, when my husband confessed to an 18-month affair, I didn’t think things could get any worse.
And then he filed for divorce.
And I had to close the ministry I launched 13 years ago.
And I had to give up my home, my car, almost all my possessions, and move back to America. Where I currently am living out of a suitcase, in people’s guest rooms, with no income and no plan.
I’d say Transition has slapped me around pretty good.
And, the bully that he is, Transition won’t leave me alone.
Change is my only constant. And I’ve gotta be honest…
I hate it.
It makes me want to scream. It makes me cry ugly tears. It makes me want to cuss.
I’ve lost so much — am still losing so much — to unrelenting Transition.
And — sigh — I don’t think I’ve handled it very well. I haven’t carried myself very gracefully through these changes.
I’m pretty sure I allowed Transition to steal my faith, hope, and joy along with everything else.
Something’s gotta give…
I ended 2010 so ready to kick the year to the curb. But at the stroke of midnight, things didn’t miraculously change.
And now, I find myself looking around, wondering where’s the “new” in the new year. Everything’s still the same. Only the calendar’s different.
Transition’s still taking a wrecking ball to my life. Hope still seems scarce. Tears I didn’t know I had left, keep coming. The hard days continue.
And I know they will.
So I made the decision to look for God’s hand in the midst of the hard.
My eyes have been blindfolded by Transition for too long.
I want to actively search for God in my brokenness. Seek out His beauty in my pile of ashes. Face the continual tide of change on my tip-toes, looking for God where I haven’t seen Him before.
I haven’t quite mustered up the strength to steal back my faith, hope, and joy. But I’m at least going to start looking for them. Which is more than I’ve done in a long time.
I can’t stop change from coming. I cannot.
But I can choose to remember that He holds my ever-changing life in His never-changing hand.
Take that, Transition.
Originally posted as a guest post on Refine Us >
@marniarnold says:
Good post…as usual, Alece. :)
Also, Justin & Trisha’s blog is one I frequent as well. You all have a message to spread for God – and it awesome to be able to connect with you all.
Alece, You are without a doubt, the strongest woman I have had the privilege of knowing. You are a warrior princess and daughter of the Kingdom and your perseverance through all that you’ve been put through is such a testament to your faith, your strength, your character and the incredible amount of supernatural power and LOVE the Holy Spirit is continuously pouring into YOU. When I think of your testimony I KNOW that we truly are stronger than we think we are, because we’ve got the resurrected power of Jesus Christ within us at all times. Know that you are ROYALTY in the Kingdom, and that I adore you and look up to you so so much. I love you, Alece. You are always, always in my prayers. :) I know God will provide and guide you to new beginnings and bright days ahead.
o my gracious, this makes my heart so sad. I am so sorry this happened to you.
I pray God meets your needs, showers His blessings on you and opens heavens love down on you today.
Sierra
There’s fire in her belly!!!!!! Hmm. What can He do with that passion – when ignited with His purpose. Transition step back, transformation (a phoenix rising from the ashes) is coming.
Come June/July- I need a roommate because mine is getting married. Want to come live with me in Seattle, Alece? We can talk about South Africa, eat pap, pray, etc and you can feel settled! I’m completely serious about the offer! You’d get your own room and the rent is a great price in the most diverse zip code in ALL of America!
My friend, I know that the hottest fires bring forth the finest metals. And I also know that you might not give a damn about the fineness of the metal. A place that can actually feel like home to your heart, some sense of walking with your feet on the ground, instead of one of those inflatable bouncing games … these I am sure would be the greatest treasures for you. So that is what I wish for. You don’t have to be a world-changer, Alece. Just a girl. And it’s okay to live.
Alece ~ I found your blog through A Deeper Story. I have to tell you my family’s dirty, little secret……My dad, a pastor, had an affair with a woman in the church in the mid 1970′s. We were asked to leave. My mother, who thought she did what she was supposed to, having been a daughter of a pastor, she married one. It turned out to be a complete joke. She found herself a single mother of 3 kids, a social and church outcast, as the 1970′s were much less liberal with single mothers, especially in the “church”. She too had no income and no plan. It is now 2011, she has come leaps and bounds from the woman she once was. And I belive she herself would tell you it was the breakdown of her marriage that forced her closer to the reality of Jesus and all He has to offer us, then if her marriage had been saved. She was forced out of her little box of beliefs and standards, to her benefit and the glory of our Savior! It was the pain that brought her growth. Not the status quo of what everyone else thought was right. That’s just my little dose of encouragement for you, a stranger but a sister in Christ.
You are amazing. I’m praying for you. I don’t know what else to say, but I’m sending you an e-mail.
@lindseygoodall says:
It seems to me like something already gave!!!!
While my heart breaks reading your story, as a survivor of a story much the same, my soul is full of hope for you! Lean not on your own understanding as He and He alone, know the grand scheme of the BIG PICTURE. And trust me dear, Alece, the picture that is your future is BOLD and BEAUTIFUL!
Florida is amazing this time of year!
When you can’t see His hand
Trust His heart.
Praying!
I said it over on Refine Us, and I’ll say it here. You inspire me with your willingness to share so openly and proclaim loudly that you are looking for God. I’m praying for you.