on friendships
I moved to Nashville to chase down community.
With everything I’ve gone through in the past few years, I knew I needed a strong group of people around me as I get settled back into life in America and embark on Me 2.0. Through social media, I’d gotten to know quite a few people in and around Nashville. I’d found friends. I’d found an amazing church. I’d found community. So this is where I decided to land.
And there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.
Though since I’ve gotten here, community hasn’t taken shape like I fairy-tale-hoped it would. Like everything in life, it doesn’t just happen. It takes hard work. I’ve been seeking it out as I’ve been able, and learning to trust God with all of it.
Friendships don’t always pan out the way you’d like them to. People move away; seasons change; life is busy. So my community looks very different than I’d anticipated. Not in a bad way… just different. I love the unexpected new friends God has brought into my life, and at times still mourn the loss of others.
Finding out who your friends are — and who they aren’t — is sometimes a painful lesson. Ultimately good, but hard nonetheless.
So I’m on a journey of discovering what it means to hold people and relationships loosely while still investing deeply and authentically. (I’m pretty sure I’ve been on this journey my whole life…)
I don’t know where the line is. Or if there even is a line.
How do I maintain a soft heart and tough skin? I honestly don’t know.
As usual, I have more questions than answers here at The Grit. There’s no red bow to wrap this up neatly, because these are lessons I’m still learning. A path I’m still navigating. Things I’m still just Forrest-Gumping my way through.
But this much I know is true: I am so very grateful for the incredible people God has placed in my life, near and far. My friends truly make my life richer. I owe so much to the grace, generosity, faithfulness, and love of friends.
On friendships…
What’s something you struggle with?
What’s something you know for sure?
@shainaparis says:
“Finding out who your friends are — and who they aren’t — is sometimes a painful lesson. Ultimately good, but hard nonetheless.”
This has been my year. Its been hard and even sad at times, but it has moved me to draw closer to God than I’ve been in a long time. It is still the desire of my heart to find a solid community. I continue to pray that God will provide me with some true, honest, God-fearing friends that will challenge me and hold me accountable. I’m not sure what season I’ll be heading into next, but I remain thankful for people like you that encourage me by sharing their journey.
@gritandglory says:
the realities of living that statement are really hard. i’m trying to not take things personally or to heart, but it’s a continual challenge…
@allheartandhome says:
Alece…sigh.
I’m 50 years old and have been struggling w/ this my whole life. I have a natural tendency to be closed-off to ‘community’. There have been seasons when I’ve been forced out and connected deeply with people. But as in everything, those were only seasons for me.
At a time when Christian bookstores are full of books on community and women’s friendships, I often feel like a monumental failure. But on the other side of that coin is the truth that ultimately this is how God created me. I have a smaller life than most but it’s ok.
I’m open to loving people, to being led and even to plugging into another community one day when God leads.
Also, a couple of years ago, I lost a friendship that had been my heart for 17 years. The process was devastating. But in retrospect it was so very necessary. Letting go forced me to go to The Father more than ever. More than I knew, she was my go-to source for answers and strength.
Saying a prayer for you sweet one, that God will comfort you in this season and lead you in the path He has for you.
ps…the ‘issue’ I have w/ face-to-face relationships is one reason I so value the online connections…and it’s why my heart (like yours) so misses our Sara.
xo~Robin
@gritandglory says:
hugging you, robin…
Friendship….I struggle with trust…with being too independent. Always being there for them and never letting them be there for me…and then I end up feeling bad about it and yet it’s my fault.
@traceepersiko says:
Hand raised to this one, Grace. Trust and independence are mine as well.
@coloraturajoy says:
I do this too! :-/
@mirandabean says:
I do this almost every. single. time. I don’t always mean to, sometimes I feel like people already have enough in their lives to deal with and they don’t need my crap added to theirs. I will day though, God surprises me with my friends and community I have through our church in the Times that I need comfort or just an encouraging word the most
@gritandglory says:
i get this, grace…
@LindseyHartz says:
Oh Alece, you summed up so much of what I have been feeling since moving.
I came to realize that I already had my church, my friends, my ministry, my work, where I was going to live…all of it…just about planned out in my head and I fully expected God to provide all of that exactly because we were being obedient in our move.
Sigh~ of course absolutely NOTHING is what I thought or hoped because those were my plans to make the move more bearable and less terrifying.
It is so hard for me to make friends, especially as a true introvert who has had to try and be extroverted just to make connections in the first place.
I’m used to serving with and for others and forming natural relationships through that & I definitely leaned on two close friends in TX who were mentors for friendship and truth, but God has me alone for a season of growth and reflection, and as lonely as it can be I am so very thankful that He continues to show me that my identity and purpose is in Him alone not in what I do and not in who is in my life.
Thank you for the sweet reminder today :-)
@gritandglory says:
looking for Him in my lonely place…
@nateonamission says:
I SO get this. I am actually an extrovert, but I still find it hard sometimes to make true real friends. I am very involved and find myself at church all the time. Because of that, I have lots of friends and connections. I am very well known in my church as a networker and social media extraordinaire. I find that really funny. God has me in a place right now where I need to lean on Him alone. Friends can come and go, but God is always there. Really.
“I am so very thankful that He continues to show me that my identity and purpose is in Him alone not in what I do and not in who is in my life.”
Yes, yes, yes. The people around you will always fail you, but God will not. My identity and purpose is in Him. so good.
All I know is that I need God – Jesus as my source of life, purpose, identity. If I do that, I can pour into the people in my life. I know God has called me to be an encourager. I need to be in communion with Him or it’s going to be really hard to pour into other people. That’s what I know.
God is so good.
@gritandglory says:
….amen.
Oh, Alece! Can I just print this out and put in my journal and call it journaling by proxy?
As you know, my world fell apart in a similar dust-catching way. Rebuilding is interesting. Finding Truth amidst the mushroom cloud has been harder than I ever dreamed, and friendships…wow…squeezing into someone’s routine to build new ones and letting folks squeeze through the cracks of my multi-layered emotional security system to the “just try trusting again” treasury department is a challenge that makes Everest look doable.
“How do I maintain a soft heart and tough skin? I honestly don’t know.
As usual, I have more questions than answers here at The Grit. There’s no red bow to wrap this up neatly, because these are lessons I’m still learning. A path I’m still navigating. Things I’m still just Forrest-Gumping my way through.
But this much I know is true: I am so very grateful for the incredible people God has placed in my life, near and far. My friends truly make my life richer. I owe so much to the grace, generosity, faithfulness, and love of friends.”
Yep. Just printing this whole thing out and calling it “Journal by Proxy.”
So appreciate you and your soft heart!
@gritandglory says:
“rebuilding is interesting.” heh. it sure is, friend. it sure is.
@moweezle says:
Totally relate 100% This is my biggest dilema I face with the revolving door of friendships in my life as well: a soft heart and tough skin. SOOOOOOO difficult!!!! xoxo
@gritandglory says:
i wish the revolving door would stop spinning, but i know that will never be… so i think it will be a lifelong lesson of learning to let go and embrace again… i hate it, but i have no choice but to try to keep learning it…
Alece,
Its like you wrote exactly what I’ve been feeling since I moved to NYC.
“How do I maintain a soft heart and tough skin? I honestly don’t know.” I wish I had the answer to that one.
I think the thing I know for sure is that I am where God wants me to be. My one word for 2011, has played a big part in my building community here. Trying to keep my heart open even when its hard or so much work has helped me make new connections and helped me build friendships. even though sometimes it all happens so slowly.
not sure that all made sense.
thanks friend for sharing this.
@gritandglory says:
as a NY-er myself, i think trying to build friendships and community in NYC has gotta be SO challenging. praying for you tonight, B.
@hopefulleigh says:
First, I’m so glad that you, Tracee, and I were able to get together and share the wonder known as fried pickles. I definitely hope our paths will continue to cross!
Second, one of the difficulties with friendship as I’ve gotten older is figuring out the balance. For most of my life, I’ve been a part of big groups of friends that would always hang out. There was always something going on. But in the last 4 or 5 years, my friends have gotten married, moved away, etc. and getting together takes more effort now. I have a hard time letting go of friendships- my loyalty is one of my strengths- but it’s not possible to maintain every friendship at the level that it used to be. And given that we don’t all hang out in a group anymore, that’s a lot of 1:1 coffees and lunches to schedule. (Moving out of state has forced me to reevaluate how I keep in touch with people.) There’s a learning curve, one that’s been heightened since moving to Nashville and having to start all over again.
oh my heart – how I miss fried pickles… we have no fried pickles up north and I so miss them =)
@hopefulleigh says:
Sounds like you need to visit Nashville, Jenny! I’ll hook you up.
@gritandglory says:
i know this is a lesson i’ll never fully learn. it’ll be a lifelong journey… that part of it feels overwhelming to me…
This is definitely something I struggle with! Every truly close friend I have ever had has always moved away, really far away! One to Tasmania, another to Germany, another to Africa ;) I have a lot of surface relationships with people around me but it’s hard to truly connect for me. The one thing I do knoMw to be true though is that, friends are friends forever if the Lord’s the Lord of them ;) and despite the cliche’ I’ve found it to be true of the friends of my heart. We can go for months without speaking and then meet up as if no time had passed! I still pray for close relationships here at home, for someone to grab a coffee with or go shopping or just be girls with, but until then, I so look forward to my long distance moments of friendship. :)
@gritandglory says:
now i have that Michael W Smith song in my head thankyouverymuch! ;)
i wish we lived close enough to have regular lunch dates…
Lol! And for that I am truly sorry! :D Agreed! Next time you are through Columbus, we are doing Abuellos!! Love you friend!
Good one Alece!
something I struggle with and know for sure:
some friends are for a reason, and some are for a season… some are also for a lifetime!
btw, you’re one of those cool people that I would like to know if I lived in Nashville!
@gritandglory says:
thank you, chris!
I was thinking that it would be so great to be back in the States after a year overseas in regards to community. But what I am finding is that it indeed takes more work than I expected and that the community I left was also great because there were so few of us, being intentional was necessity.
@gritandglory says:
i know that “disappointment” well… sigh…
Friendships…ugh. I wish I understood why they were so hard! I struggle with the expectations we put on one another whether it is spoken or not…well, mostly unspoken. For me, it only leads to being let down when one or the other doesn’t live up to these “expectations.”
One thing I know for sure…I’m not always the kind of friend that I want others to be to me. :( So until I am ready to put myself out there and be what I think a good friend is, I am probably not going to be developing very deep/authentic relationships. I can be guarded as I begin new friendships where trust is growing, but at some point I have to let down my walls and let someone in if it’s ever going to go to the next level.
@gritandglory says:
“I’m not always the kind of friend that I want others to be to me.” — me neither, amanda. and therein lies my challenge… that’s the only part i can control. working on ME. working to be the kind of friend i desire to have…
I’m still trying to figure out who I am, so it’s hard to focus on making and maintaining friendships. But as I’m getting older, I’m becoming a little more comfortable in my own skin, and more relaxed in general.
My main problem is that I live 5,000 miles away from most of my friends.
@coloraturajoy says:
I feel the same way!!! I’m finally feeling more comfortable with who I am, and it’s making it a lot easier to feel like I can maintain the right friendships, while allowing myself to let go of the ones that aren’t as healthy.
@gritandglory says:
i don’t know that i’ll ever have a firm grasp on who i am… but maybe it’s too much to hope for friends who will stick with me through that lifelong journey? i know everything has a season… i just hate seeing some seasons end, ya know?
@coloraturajoy says:
Skimming through these responses gives me SO much encouragement!
I’m not alone in this confusion over friendships!!!
I’m the only girl in my family, and I’m super independent in many ways. So, it’s been hard for me to relate to a lot of people, especially girls, from the time I was young. I struggle a lot with the balance of time in relationships. I tend to become frustrated with the friend who seems to want too much of my time, and then I become frustrated with the friend who seems to be uninterested in investing time into me. Oy vey.
I also struggle with feeling alone, though much less now than a few years ago. I had been praying and praying for God to bring me a friend or two who lived close by (instead of hundreds of miles away), and the moment I met someone whose friendship with me was easy and natural, she moved away. It was tough! But now, after a few more years, I have several people I can spend time with, and, like you, even though it looks much different than I thought it would, I’m so grateful for the community I have.
Lastly, being able to be myself in a friendship is SO valuable to me. It says a lot about the other person, because I am probably one of the quirkiest people you’ll ever meet. ;)
@gritandglory says:
i agree on being able to myself in a friendship. that kind of comfortability with someone is SO valuable to me too…
Oh man… Thanks for writing this… two years ago we moved because we felt God moving us here. We knew SO many people, people we were in college with, people that weren’t my best friends, but were my husbands best friends. In my mind friendship is loyalty… Not so much in theirs… We’ve been so alone since being here, add on top of that two little boys 2 and under that I’m still trying to adjust to mothering, and me being more introverted. At first I thought, if we try harder, reach out more, make ourselves available more… We’ve done that as much as we can in the middle of our bussyness from working and raising little ones and not much response. Knowing myself, I put myself in uncomfortable situations to stretch myself to meet new people… It’s been heart breaking, and such a struggle. With all this talk in the past few years of doing life as a community I really wanted to build that into our lives! And now it’s not happening and we’re isolated. It’s hard to understand. I don’t get it when “friends” just decide not to be friends anymore.
I have the best friends in the world that live worlds away, but no one here with me.
God has been gentle with me and good in the middle of all of this. But it’s still so hard to be alone! Hopefully God has some grand plan and is working in me and changing me and this isn’t our forever situation… :)
Something I struggle with? Placing expectations on people that shouldn’t be there…
One thing I know for sure? The friends that are meant to be, will be. :) And that’s a good thing.
Couldn’t have said it any better. We too are struggling with finding community since we moved. We are surrounded by 1000′s everyday and in the craziness of life, no noone. It seems to hard to break into their lives and find places to fit even if you stretch yourself and go to unfamiliar places to meet people. Almost like they don’t want/need any other friends so they don’t let you in. They don’t know what they are missing by living this way and we don’t have a chance to learn about them.
@gritandglory says:
where and when did you move, jenna?
We moved to the DC area in July of 10. Surrounded by thousands daily with no seems of community.
@gritandglory says:
being a northeaster myself, i understand exactly what you mean…
Yes! It’s so hard! They don’t know what their missing! :)
@gritandglory says:
where is “here”, stephanie? where do you live?
and i don’t get it when “friends” just decide not to be friends anymore either. it wrecks my heart, and (like everything in life) i automatically assume it’s because of me. something i did or didn’t do. something i said or didn’t say. and i spiral down that road, because since nothing is ever said of course there is no way to know. which just makes it worse…
your struggle and know-for-sure? me too, stephanie. me too…
We’re living in Colorado Springs…
I’m exactly the same way. I know people are busy too, but then I think, they make time for who they want to, and then that’s not a good place to be in my mind… :)
All I can do is sigh. A lot. So much so that as I’ve been figuring out how to comment the chicks keep asking, “Are you okay?” Smile. I think that as we get older it becomes more difficult to form “real” friendships. At times, our expectations of others are too steep…we do the same with expectations of ourselves. The silly doubts of junior high come back to haunt us…and we bury in shells that prevent authentic community with IRL friends. I think you hit the nail on the head with “hold loosely” but I encourage you to continue to hug tightly. YOU, dear one, are ONE amazing friend. I am so very blessed to have you in my life.
I love you, kiddo.
@gritandglory says:
you made me cry, shan… i just kept nodding and “mm-hmmm”ing all the way through your comment.
i am always so appreciative of your texts and the convos we have that way. such a gift you are in my life. thank you for you, sweet shan. i am grateful…
Alece,
This is a wonderful post. One that I really connect with.
I have always feared change. Change in anything….friendships, jobs, moving, church family. You name it I fear it. However, it recently occurred to me that perhaps I hold on too tightly to these things and it prohibits me from fully stepping out into where God wants me. I truly believe that God puts certain people into our lives to help us through a season. We may always remain friends and have love for each other but things happen and we may be called in different directions. I am slowly learning to enjoy the season and once its over I can reflect on it with a smile. Knowing that God is my constant leaves me open to change and embracing the season I am in.
Thanks again for be honest and putting a voice to what so many of us struggle with!
Julie
@gritandglory says:
i am SUCH a feeler… i feel everything so deeply. so the joy of a new, fast friendship that just seems to click runs so deep. as does the confusion and heartache when a friendship seems to fade… i need to get better at just looking back and being able to rejoice in the season i had and not grasp at it to keep it from slipping away…
@moxiemandie says:
after being really, deeply hurt over the last few years by friends that were like family, i find that i have little desire to even have friends- at least locally. it just feels like to much to bear to try to trust again…it can be lonely, but it just feels that we don’t have time or space in our lives right now. :/
@gritandglory says:
i SO relate to that, mandie. when friends you think are forever friends — people you consider to be family — hurt you and/or walk out on you… it’s hard to pick up the pieces of your heart and move on in trust after that. i find myself in that same place…
@traceepersiko says:
I hate change. I hate the hard that comes with change. i love you and i am SO excited that we are in the same town!! I am so glad we are no longer long distance!! I am excited to figure this whole Nashville thing out with you. I have had so much dang fun exploring and finding treasures of places we love! i can’t wait to see what this year has for both of us.
Struggz:
trusting and trusting…
know for sure:
the fear is worth it.
@gritandglory says:
i hate change more than i like to admit i do… especially when it comes to deep-heart issues. and being the feelers that we are, everything becomes a deep-heart issue. ugh.
@thomasmarkz says:
I struggle with openness in friendship. I wonder how far or how much is “too” far or “too” much, because I inevitably place higher expectations on those who know the “real” or “deeper” me than those who don’t.
Something I know for sure though — true friendship embraces the “real” you, whoever you are. And it’s truly a beautiful thing.
@gritandglory says:
i do the same thing… higher expectations on those who are closest. i don’t know that that in itself is all wrong… although i know my expectations get the best of my all too often…
Wondering why we make it a goal to “hold people and relationships loosely”. . .is it because of the pain that inevitably happens when we “invest deeply and authentically”. These seem like mutually exclusive approaches to me. I don’t think I can (or, really want to) hold people and relationships lightly. Investing means connection – strong and solid connections, not holding lightly or at arms length.
I think it’s a false dichotomy that does not reflect the kinds of relationships that we are called to embody. Covenant relationship, being a member of ‘the body’, one-anothering, sticking with a sister through thick and thin. . . these are not the practices that allow us to hold relationships lightly. Where you invest your love you invest your life (to quote a Mumford song!).
@gritandglory says:
you’re right… maybe i can’t have it both ways. maybe i need to continue to love deeply, no matter the response. oh how very hard that is…
yes…very hard! I struggle too with wanting to keep people at arms-length, even the ones that I love a LOT. But, partly because I’m an extrovert, I need my people fix and that means I have to hold together the tension of needing people in my life, and knowing that ‘needing’ requires my own investment in the relationship…
i’m so glad it’s a journey (with God and others) and not a one-shot, reality tv audition! :)
@gritandglory says:
i think what i mean when i say “hold friendships loosely” is that even when i love deeply, i need to be hold those friendships with an open hand… trusting above all else, the One who gives and takes away.
for me, when i really “go there” with someone, i tend to hold them with a clenched fist. i don’t want to ever let them go because it would feel like such a betrayal and deep hurt for them to walk away knowing my inner-most loves/joys/hurts/sorrows… but ultimately it’s not about trusting them… it’s about trusting Him… thus my need for an open hand even while digging deep…
I love this sentence: ‘So I’m on a journey of discovering what it means to hold people and relationships loosely while still investing deeply and authentically’
It explains so much of what I was thinking today but didnt know how to express it. I’m always looking for ‘balance’ and I am grateful for how your words summed up my thoughts.
I would like to share it while giving you credit if you don’t mind. Thanks again so much for sharing your heart!
@gritandglory says:
i desire to find that balance, too… although i’m starting to think that balance is nothing more than a mirage…
(and you are always more than welcome to pass along anything you find here. thank you, christina!)
@PamelaSHunter says:
I yearn for the kind of friendships I used to have when I was younger. Now that i am back in the Lou, i really do not have many close friends that i can call, just to hang out with. I miss that, so i tend to overcompensate, by oversharing or doing something stupid and not trusting with the important stuff.
I know the friends i do have and have made through social media are rock stars. I wouldn’t trade ‘em for love or money!
@gritandglory says:
“for love or money”! ha!
Scooter… you have just typed into words the exact reason why my heart beats (and will always beat) for my girlfriends… regardless of my marital status. When I moved down to GA in 04 – all of my friends were single… by the time I moved back up here – they were all married. I tend to be pretty independent so getting married and staying glued to my husband’s side 24/7 was just not my cup ‘o tea… I need my girlfriends! For about a year, my online friends became a lifeline for me as I tried to figure out who I was as a “married person who still needed friends of her own” … then God slowly started bringing new friendships into my life… and it has been SO incredible.
I call them my “big girl friendships” and though my life here looks nothing like I planned in my head, I would not trade what God has given me for anything :) it’s so worth it…
I love the journey you are on friend… and I’m cheering you on :) love ya
‘bootz
@gritandglory says:
i have thoughts i can’t fully articulate yet about how people have treated me differently now that i’m a “once-married” girl… it’s subtle. and it’s hard to pinpoint or fully describe. but it’s there. it’s very present. and it pricks at this deep place in my heart that is somehow connected to my tear ducts because the tears always start to flow. but there is a marked difference in interactions, in things i’m invited to or included in (or the lack thereof)… although honestly, i’m not sure if it’s a mix of things because all at once i became a “once-married”, a “once-in-ministry”, a “once-a-leader”… and now i am none of those things… so maybe it’s one or all of the above in any given situation, but i am certainly treated differently by a good number of people, and it makes my heartache. seems to make my steps more sluggish in convincing myself my identity isn’t in who i was married to or what i was doing…
sorry for that long-winded rambling. like i said, i can’t articulate it. i think i just felt like you might get it or know what i mean…
Your sentiments are exactly why my heart still beats for single friends… whether those who are still single, yet single, or single-again… because you are right… the church doesn’t carve out a place for singles to feel safe and “non-defective.” People say the darndest things when you are single and I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve picked up the pieces from something dumb that someone has said (not intentionally a lot of times, but it still hurts) – I had SO many dumb things said to me too… so I walked around bleeding a lot of the time (especially when I lived in GA!)
I’m so sorry that you are experiencing tough spots friend… though I don’t know if it gets easier, it eventually stings a wee bit less and you are adept at identifying “single-unfriendly” ppl from a mile away…
You know it goes w/o saying, my prayers are with you Scooter and I love you bunches for exactly who you are right in this very moment… Hugs friend
I believe everyone would love to know the answer to that one. When it come to the tender heart getting hurt I like the verse in Proverbs 27:6 Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but kisses of an enemy are deceitful. This is the new king james version and I like the verse better in this version it seems to say better how I feel. So at least when your skin is not thick enough know at least the wounds from a friend is better than kisses from your enemy
@gritandglory says:
“faithful are the wounds of a friend”… i struggle to relate that to “friends” who walk out of my life, but maybe i’m supposed to. i honestly don’t know…
I’d say if they walk out on you there are not truly your friends.
@savedsister7 says:
So love your heart friend.
I think the challenge for me the past year has been realizing that not every friend is going to be a forever friend. Some friends are only for a season and some are those that will be in your life always. Navigating which those are has been difficult.
@gritandglory says:
yes. i need to get better at accepting end of seasons, even when there’s no real reason or explanation…
@iloveblogs44 says:
First of all, I love, love, love how much you’ve been posting these days, although it is making it tough for me to keep up! I had a few of your posts on my “side bar” to comment on when I had a chance, but I just had to restart my computer, so they are gone…guess that means I’ll have to leave an extra long comment here (as if I need to TRY and leave a long one…I am not good at “brief” ;) )
I didn’t even get to the end of this post and there were tears stinging my eyes…I’m a super emotional person, but “friend” posts definitely have a way of stirring up the long-standing emotions more than others. Even though I just came home from having sushi and a mai tai with my best high school friend (my “longest friend”), the tears still found their way to the surface.
I would not compare myself to you and your situation, but I definitely think the “old friendships” are hard when people are busy and your life has taken you on a very different path than the people you have known the longest. I think I have always kind of struggled with friendships because being “nice” doesn’t necessarily mean people will invite you to their sleepovers. I am SO very thankful for the friends I have met online where I have been able to “let my guard down” and be “the real me”, but it still doesn’t get me to any sleepovers ;)
I continue to struggle with insecurities and worry about people liking me, or if someone would want to be my friend (and then if they DO want to be friends/call me friend, I find myself wondering why…guess that explains why thinking about friends makes me cry!) I do, however, feel like this year was “better” and I definitely felt like I had a great community of people around me when I needed love and support the most (maybe because my “One Word” this year was “trust”…hmm ;) )
Once you figure out how to maintain a soft heart and tough skin…let me know because I could use some of that too ;)
I am so thankful for YOU and your friendship. You are one special person, that’s for sure :)
Love & hugs.
@gritandglory says:
i know a lot of my struggles come down to my own insecurities as well… which is why i know this will be a lifelong journey of growth and trust.
trust…
there’s that word again… ;)
@Jasturner says:
Oh how I struggle with this one. I’m all about transparency & sometimes I think I reveal too much so people don’t want to be my friend. We moved in July & I haven’t found many friends, yet. I’d call them acquaintances.
@gritandglory says:
and with all you are going through, i know that adds to the difficult of this season… praying for you jessica.
@randishort says:
So excited for you being in Nashville, chillin’ and embarking on this new journey that’s before you. Awesome. Will continue to lift you before the Father.
The tension. Totally understand that.
I struggle with how much is “too much”. I love knowing people. Hearing their stories. Their struggles. Their passions. I love having friends who don’t mind me being interested in them and their lives, but sometimes I’m afraid it can be a little overbearing. Asking questions. Random texts. All that stuff.
One thing I know for sure. It’s all worth it. The vulnerability. All the questions. Being misunderstood. It’s all worth it when you actually connect with people. When the gap is closed and a friendship is birthed.
@gritandglory says:
your whole last paragraph? YES. so well-said, randi.
@melissa1970 says:
After having moved back to Nashville in August, I have made no really new close friends. That’s hard and I hate it. I pray nightly for God to give me a godly group of people to do this thing called “life” with, but I also have not had that pan out the way I thought it would. :/ Hang in there. This too, I pray, shall pass….
@gritandglory says:
praying for you too, dear melissa…
Okay, so I’m brave…
Anyone in the DFW area want to find a place for coffee or hot cocoa?
Yes, I am serious. It is pointless to talk about needing community and not make effort to create it. I can’t promise we’ll be BFFs. It will probably be a bit weird at first, BUT, we are women. Hear us talk and laugh! I’ll tell my most embarrassing moment if you’ll tell yours…or something like that. I don’t know, but it’s coffee. AND I can promise nothing changes unless we do something different. So….
Coffee?
@gritandglory says:
How do I not have more Dallas Grit’z out there?!
Glad I have thick skin.
@gritandglory says:
i have really bad recall, so i honestly can’t think of anyone else i know in dallas… but there has to be some other DFW grit’z out there. seriously. hmph.
well… know that i would meet you for coffee in an instant if i could.
I know you would. :-)
Love, I am so NOT taking this personally. Really, I had hoped even if no one met me in DFW, perhaps it would embolden someone else to say, “Hey, let’s meet for coffee in (their city).” Someone has got to start it. Maybe this is the nudge. :-)
@Jasturner says:
Hey! I’m in DFW!!!!! We moved here in July and I don’t know many people.
Found you!!!! For whatever reason the email saying there was a reply to my comment went in my junk file, and the general “comment made” ended up in my regular inbox, but it didn’t bring me here. Sigh…
Anyway, we homeschool, too. Always have. Love it…most of the time.
I’m going to email you through your blog. If I can’t, would you email me through the email on my profile from my blog, and we can see about connecting over coffee?
@Jasturner says:
I just emailed you! I hope we are fairly close & not 2 hours separating us! I love homeschooling most of the time, too!
I could have written this word for word…it’s my hearts’ cry. And I’ve been here way too long. We moved last fall(2010) and didn’t ever connect with anyone. I live in the country so neighbours are scarce. We are now moving again(when we sell) and my husband and 2 oldest kids are 5 hours away while me and the two youngest wait for a sold house miracle. Anyone that I met at church or in town has all but abandoned me…it’s not really their faults~ we weren’t friends to begin with. But after so many years of having close friends nearby, having women friends to share with, pray with and laugh with…well, I’m desperately needing connections. And for whatever reason…all of my friends have abandoned me. Out of sight, out of mind. I have determined that I will not do the same to any of them. These are hard days.
@gritandglory says:
i am so sorry, juanita. where are you moving TO? is it a completely new place of starting over (again) or is it somewhere you have some existing community? either way, i know this isn’t easy, at all. praying for you tonight…
@JCWert says:
My struggle is always feeling like I have something to give to someone else. I always feel like I’m the guy in need or the one withdrawing emotionally and wonder if I really have anything to give someone else. That feeling keeps me from developing friendships.
@gritandglory says:
i get that…
I have found that a soft heart and tough skin are incompatible. A soft heart enables you to love more deeply and more fully than you ever imagined you could. Hurt in some form is inevitable, but loving through the hurt allows Jesus to shine through you and speak to you. Tough skin tends to conceal not only your true self from community but also the Spirit’s work within you. I still struggle between the tension of both but I can tell you I’ve learned and grown more when my heart was soft.
Love you sweet Alece!
@gritandglory says:
so i just need to trust Him to carry me through the heartaches that come with a soft heart… and not allow myself to become ice queen (as you always say) when wounds and hurts come…
SO easier said than done. but so worth it in the end, i know…
@cassgirl says:
First of all:
:Fierce: (that’s for you)
I struggle with loving way too fast and hard. I hate being acquaintances. I remember in 2008 when we both would ask simple questions back in forth to find out each other. But when I find a common bond, I tend to love fast and get hurt often. I hate that about me
Secondly, I am often misrepresented. I struggle with being able to share my life and stuff because I am in a very controlling atomsphere. I would be a totally different friend if that was different
But WHAT I KNOW: my greatest strength, I am an intercessor (my gifting) I wake up mid nights with people on my heart so much my body hurts and I am sweating. I know that is why I love deep, because of that gifting.
I know that if I am authentic, people will see a friend who isnt perfect, hates haughty people, and tends to linger at the coffeeshop for that one story that can change the world, and grace. simple grace becomes sometimes I am a mess, but in progress.
@gritandglory says:
you are an amazingly fierce intercessor – something i value and admire so much about you! thank you for loving deeply and praying feverishly. you are faithful in friendship…
@lindseyfoj says:
Um…I am pretty sure you are one of my soul mates…because I have decided that I have more than one split souls of my own soul running around out there in different bodies and since everything that you write could have come from…well…my own soul…you get the idea.
So it’s a long shot…but if I get to Blissdom in February….can we please spend some time together??
I mean…heck….since we are soul mates and all! ;-)
@gritandglory says:
ummmm…. YES! of course. keep me posted on your plans, soulmate!
@Nomadstacey says:
Thick skin and soft heart has been my prayer the past few months in…so many areas. And I’m right there with you…holding loosely but investing deeply. Seems like many xontatsixropms even though I know they are really ‘yes ands’
@gritandglory says:
“yes ands” indeed… sigh…
@mat2820b says:
I struggle with not keeping people at arms length. Every time I really let someone in, they’ve hurt me. Deeply. As in, has taken years to heal from. I thought I’d turned a corner in August at our ladies retreat where I admired this to everyone, and a month ago the one person I’d never thought would turn on me, did.
So, yah. And at the same time, I’m envious of those women with the life long best friends, or the groups that hang out every Wednesday for coffee. I just don’t think I know how to do it any more. I mean, I have friends. I even have a couple of dear ones. But no I-can-and-will-tell-you-everything-buried-in-my-heart friends.
It’s all good. It’ll figure itself all out one day :)
@gritandglory says:
i get it, jen. i do…
hugging your heart…
Hey Alece.
The response ended up being much longer than your original post – I don’t think it will fit as a comment ;)
http://bit.ly/vBjeYe
@gritandglory says:
great post!
@XCWATERBOY says:
It’s funny given my relative popularity at that time that a couple of my closest friends now are those I went to high school with. It’s partially circumstances, one lives across highway from me and at moment we both still live at home but at end of day even if we share different worldviews we have similar personalities and get along well. The thing I like best is we can talk about anything and be exactly ourselves with each other. We may be wildly inappropriate at times but it’s just us so its OK.
One thing that I find frustrating is I’m naturally shy if I dont know you unless I’m already around people I know well when I first meet you. Too many times I have decided, “ok this person is cool and safe I can basically be myself.” And then when I start opening up my personality suddenly I get shot down because something I said or did was offensive. It’s like, “Why were you friendly if you were just gonna dislike me anyway.”
As an adult now I’ve learned to be happy with who I am and to not worry as much about others but that doesn’t change that deep down I think I (and most people) simply desire approval. Perhaps not with everything but simple acceptance that even if you are stupid or mean or something that other person will still be cool with you.
Bit rambling in my thoughts but I think that makes sense.
@gritandglory says:
i KNOW i care way too much about what people think. it plays out in all sorts of weird and frustrating ways in my life…
i always appreciate your rambling thoughts, peirce. thanks.
Um… I know for sure that I struggle. How’s that?
@gritandglory says:
;)
@addiezierman says:
I like to think that in heaven, there will be a big living room with all of these great couches. And all the broken relationships and friendships will be redeemed, and community will finally be what we always hoped it would. No more miscommuncation; no more moving away; no more selfishness; no more pain. Just peace.
Until then, I’m trying, like you, to give people the space and freedom to fail. To not expect perfection from them or from myself. And, I’m trying to cherish the beautiful moments as a preview of all the loveliness that is to come.
@gritandglory says:
YES. one big loud resounding YES!
I loved your description of “chase down community” because that is really what it feels like. We all NEED community but it is something we have to put effort into. I too have gone through many changes over the past couple of years…friends moving away, my kids going out on their own and my worries about their struggles, a change of churches, my mom’s increasing issues with Allzheimers and an increasing depression on my part. It’s been a season of changing relationships and I’ve sometimes struggled to remain grounded and in community. And I’ve realized that I sometimes even pull away and remove myself from community and don’t put effort into my relationship with God even. The things I NEED the most I’m pulling away from….What’s up with that?? But I am trying and I’m reminding myself that it takes time. It’s so true that our relationships are like revolving doors sometimes. It is hard on the heart. I’m trying to remember that the only one that isn’t true about is God. He never leaves. I’m also trying to remember to have grace in both my attempts and other’s attempts. And just when I think I’m all alone I get a call from someone that speaks into me. And I realize…I should return that favor. Sorry that was so rambling…
@gritandglory says:
your’e right… i need more grace for me and for others… that is so so true…
and no apology needed. i love your rambling, alicia! thank you!
I have so many thoughts on this subject…and I was tempted to write them.
And then I realized that we only live an hour from each other. That’s retarded. We should definitely get together and get some Starbucks!!!
@gritandglory says:
ummmm… yes! do you have any nash trips planned??
I don’t necessarily have one planned but I can definitely plan one :)
Saturdays are good for me…you?
@coffhaus says:
Friendships…relationships…they are so very interesting…rarely simple.
I love when I get together with friends that I haven’t seen in years, and it’s like we never were apart.
I love that the Lord moved us to a place where I have more friends (close & deep relationship friends) now than I ever had in my entire life.
The Lord has really healed me of past hurts, and insecurities. Love, love, love that!
I try to remember those things when I am tempted to struggle with blatant rejection. I don’t have to be liked all the time, but blatant rejection can throw me off.
@gritandglory says:
i’m facing my own heart’s need for approval and just that whole thing of caring way too much what people think. all the time. not sure how to “deal” with that or fix it… except that i’m talking to Him about it and trying to be mindful to take my tears first and foremost to Him…
@coffhaus says:
As I am drinking some tasty red wine to help restore my stomach to its natural sour-less state (I ate something last week that might not have been good, and decided to follow Paul’s suggestion to Timothy. I love Holy Spirit help.), I started typing out a couple of dreams that I recently had which lead me to think of this post.
In my dream I had a soft spot on the top of my head (like a baby gets). I did think it was strange, but since it was in a dream I went with it. Anyway, after a while the spot gets bigger and kind of freaks me out. At one point in the dream I thought that if I took a shower water would be pouring on my brain. (Apparently, I might not think clearly in my dreams.) After a while, I had a conversation with a mother-like/mentor-ish lady. I cannot recall the conversation or who she was, but after talking with her I noticed the soft spot was rapidly closing up.
In sharing this dream with a friend, I think it represents an area of sensitivity in my thinking; something with an emotional tie perhaps. After a conversation with someone the sensitive spot heals quickly.
Need to be honest, I really needed that dream for a particular situation in my life. It doesn’t involve a friendship, but I am seeking the Lord to be healed of any emotional wounds.
All this to say: Beloved Alece, I pray the peace you are seeking from the Lord will come to you. I pray that you will be walking through your day, and realize what you want to be gone is gone. I pray you are blessed with the desires of your heart.
I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your openness, clarity, and honesty. You are an encouragement to me in so many ways. And remember, sunsets don’t have to represent the end of the day, but the beginning of a new day. Your Sabbath rest begins at sunset. May the Lord paint a sweet picture in your dreams tonight.
@gritandglory says:
i thoroughly enjoyed everything about this comment. ;)
and in your last paragraph, the word “clarity” grabbed me. because i don’t feel as though i live, think, or write with much clarity at all… thus my more questions than answers… but if somehow you’re gaining clarity from it, then just… wow. God is amazing like that. ;)
sleep well, crystal… dream His dreams…
@e_j_reading says:
Wow, so much I could say, but none of it very wise. Looking forward to reading through all the comments when I have time.
Having grown up at a TCK and living on the mission field as an adult, I am all too aware of the “friendships for a season” thing. How do we keep letting people in? How do we keep being vulnerable, and keep investing? How do you know who and when it’s ok to let go?
This I know to be true, God did NOT make man to be alone, he designed us for relationships, so it is good for us to invest. He will put the right people in our lives at the right time.
@gritandglory says:
yes! i often talk about the revolving door of friendships in my life that began when i moved overseas and hasn’t stopped spinning since!
Well, I was just so excited to see that you are in Nashville that I couldn’t really think about the gritty questions. I’m not too far down the road and on that same journey for community.
@gritandglory says:
you live in nashville too, nancy??
Alece,
I wrote something similar last week, but it only posted today. You are welcome to drop by and see it. Yours is about friendships. Mine appears to focus on romantic relationships, and to a large extent, it does, but “numb” and “protected” covers all areas. Living fully cannot be compartmentalized. One either lives fully in all areas or cannot live fully at all.
http://imthatjerri.blogspot.com/2011/12/my-journal-uncensored-emotionally.html
@gritandglory says:
love to you, jerri…
Love to you too, my friend…deep, wondrous, filling love to you… :-)
JESSICA!!!!
I keep looking for your comment, and I am missing it.
You should be able to find me via email through my blog. My profile has my email. Otherwise, I am sure Alece will help us connect.
You like coffee?
@Jasturner says:
Jerri! I love coffee! I just emailed you. Just in case you didn’t get it, my email is lovindancin@gmail.
I replied!
Alece!
I found a DFW Grit’z!!!! :-)
@gritandglory says:
YAY!
I’m too scared to try…
@gritandglory says:
oh michelle… i’m sorry, friend…
@danielleH says:
I love how you wrote this:
…hold people and relationships loosely while still investing deeply and authentically…How do I maintain a soft heart and tough skin?
*sigh*
Yep.
@gritandglory says:
hugging you. and wishing you were closer for a loooooooong convo on a comfy couch…
@jackalopekid says:
I love this post! I sometimes have problems with trust and with that total honesty. It’s just hard being open, honest, vulnerable at all times. Not sure why… I do know for sure that if I am open, then I can expect deeper relationships with those people. This reminded that I need to do that more often. Thank you!
@gritandglory says:
so good! i know you’re right… the more open i am with people, the more open others are likely to be with me… even though it’s hard, i need to keep putting myself out there in that way…
i’m so glad you chimed in, adam. thank you.
I’m late to this party, but it’s so awesome how social media is able to make virtual relationships real. Words matter, and they cut through to the heart, and words that we read via blogs, tweets, etc, carry a lot of meaning. This is why when I meet with people I feel like I already know them. I’ve had so many tweetups and some close friendship develop through that that I feel extremely blessed.
Relationships take hard work. It’s being willing to open up your heart and leave us vulnerable to being hurt. But as hard as it is, it’s so worth it.
I am blessed to call you friend, friend. Keep seeking and making friends, you are awesome at it.