no frills
This morning, I sat down with Joyce and had a heart-to-heart.
Me: “I am so grateful for the gift you gave me. You said such beautiful things, and the gift is even more meaningful because of what you said.”
Joyce: “Yes, Mama.”
Me: “I love and appreciate you, Joyce. I value your friendship. You are like a sister to me.”
Joyce: “Yes, we are sisters.”
Me: “Joyce, as sisters, I want to share my heart with you. Is that ok?”
Joyce: “Yes. Sisters are honest with each other.”
Me: “When I look at the gift, it means a lot to me because I know it came from your heart. It shows me that you care about me, and that is what makes it so special. But in my culture, this type of thing, with so much frills and lace, is not something we normally do. White men feel like it’s ‘too much’ to have something so girly like this in their bathroom. So I know that Niel does not enjoy having it in here.”
Joyce: “Ooohh… Basotho men, they do not mind. But I can see that white men will mind…”
Me: “Yes. So I’d like to ask you if this will fit in your bathroom. If it will, then I would like to give it to you for your house. I will feel good knowing that you are able to use it and enjoy it.”
Joyce: “Yes, it fits in my bathroom. I will take it today, and I will let you know when I have it set up in my bathroom so you can come by to see it.”
Me: “I would love to! Thank you so much, Joyce. I appreciate you very much!”
Joyce (with a laugh): “I know, Mama, I know. It’s okay. It’s okay…”
We ended with much hugging, and everything truly is okay! Joyce wasn’t offended at all, and she joyfully took down the items and packed them up to bring to her house.
And my bathroom is much happier being back to normal… as are Niel and I!
In case you’re wondering, I decided to handle it this way because I figured that honesty truly is the best policy. If it was “accidentally” torched, destroyed by children, or ravaged by my bird, Joyce would still not know that we didn’t like it, and would most likely end up replacing it for Chrirstmas or my next birthday. I’d rather not relive this experience again if I can avoid it.
Indirect communication is key in Basotho culture. They don’t directly express their own opinion or preference. I figured I’d go that route by blaming it on the fact that men in my culture don’t like that sort of thing. Thanks, Hon, for taking one for the team…
I also told Joyce early in the day, giving me the rest of the day to make sure that she was really okay. She was completely fine, making her usual jokes and small talk with me and Niel. It feels so great to know that I didn’t offend her or hurt her feelings in this whole thing…
Thanks everyone for weighing in and sharing your thoughts on this one! Many a laugh has been had, and I will be remembering this for a very long time…
I’m soooo glad it worked out ok. I agree that honesty is the best policy, but I still think a story about Niel and a troublesome past would have worked as well. ;) I think its great you have such a good relationship with Joyce, your house helper. I don’t think I know anyone else in SA who has an friendship w/ their “maid.” Cool beans.
So glad for this outcome- everyone wins!
Ya’ done good kid! You are a shining example of integrity, love and wisdom to us all. Anyone who is priviledged enough to hear you call them sister or friend has gained a treasure worth a lifetime of searching. You are a jewel.
I share the same amazement as stated above: not many people have a friendship relationship with their house help. That is a God thing you’ve got going on.
As a side note – you have a nice bathroom, especially the tub. How nice!
Alece you’re amazing. And thank God for words when we need them!
I love this whole story and how it worked out. I remembered reading about the indirect communication in your handbook guide thingy. It was so much fun to read what everyone had to say too! I look forward to meeting this sweet lady….
i agree…great integrity, friend. i’m so glad it worked out and that she was not at all upset. but really…how rude of niel not to like your frilly bathroom ;)
I’m so happy it all worked out! I sorta miss the frills in the bathroom, but I must say that your bathroom looks more like you now. :)
You handled that so well! Its so true about sharing your thoughts indirectly…. that little tid bit would have come in handy a few years ago…
I am doing well. It has taken about a year to feel somewhat normal back here in the states but I have found a great church, and I love the principal that I work for. I have the mission bug still… But I dont know if I just miss the adventure of it all or I am supposed to go back out. I figured God will definately let me know. Currently I am on summer break and selling luggage….lol. I actually like it alot… thanks for writing back. I love reading your blog!
Kendra
I tried to weigh in with my comment the other day, but as you know the internet is tempermental sometimes. My comment was that what ever you do…”Blame it on Neil!” Good job! I knew he wouldn’t mind taking one for the team. ;)
Love you friend!
Char
whew.
@cassgirl says:
2 years later this is hilarious.!!
I want a NO thrill bathroom, paper,magazine and a comfortable seat.
Oh maybe a candle or two..
Haha!
no frills. no thrills.
HA!
WOW. You should become a mediator or something, because that was brilliant! I’m such a wimp I would have been living with horrifying toilet coverings for years…
now i know what to send you for Christmas!