my own personal black hole
I’ve been breathing in deeply for the past two weeks, and not just because of the crisp air of the Pacific Northwest. God’s been breathing new life into my dry bones as I learn to depend on Him more and allow Him to love me through His people.
Even though my crap sneaks into my luggage and unavoidably travels with me wherever I go, the time away still gave my heart a bit of a reprieve.
The rolling waves on the pebbly beach resounded His faithfulness. Whispers of love and syllables of support spoke His heart to mine. I felt His compassion in long, tight hugs and gentle touches. The city lights reminded me that He cares about even the little things.
I saw Him and heard Him and felt Him. And I was made aware again that He sees and knows and cares.
While I hate this place I find myself in—my own personal black hole that seems to render me invisible, slow my heartbeat, and make it impossible to see a way out—I know He’s in it with me. Sometimes it’s so dark I can’t see Him. Sometimes it’s so quiet, I can’t hear Him. Sometimes it’s so hollow and lonely, I can’t feel Him. In those moments, I know it will be a miracle if I come out the other side of this.
And I know that if I do, I definitely won’t come out standing.
Because I’ll be in His arms.
You’re already in His arms.
He loves you Alece.
He loves you.
R
xoxo
@cassgirl says:
Wow… Woah.. mmmm… kind of post tonight.
I love that you are still breathing in and out.
I remember several months ago, I was going through something real big in my life and I remember you saying “exhale… Let it all out.”
As I know that these last weeks in the Pacwest was for healing, I know you’rer headed back with loaded suitcase not just with sea glass and t-shirts.
KNOW that I am praying for you fiercely friend and I am going to say the same advice…
EXHALE.
Love you
Oh have I been where you are at. It is an unsettling feeling to be in the black hole and experience life around you. You may not believe it but you should let the crap into the luggage and then leave that baggage in the black hole.
He will give you a lighter bag to carry-on with.
I am glad that you feel His embrace! Take the Peace that comes with it and hold it tight to your heart.
my heart hurts for yours.
love you sweet friend.
Or maybe you just like to be near the ocean.
Hey, girl!
Looks like you were in our neighborhood. I believe I have been on that same beach & experienced the same blessed peace. There’s just no place like it. I am glad you were able to spend some time there. It truly is a place of refuge.
Love you!
Rachel
PS – Sydney would say hi if she were awake right now. :-) You have such a special place in her heart.
@moweezle says:
I’m so glad you were able to get away and have some new life springing forth…..keep breathing! Love you!
@atangie says:
It sounds absolutely horrible!
@danielleH says:
Dear friend,
I’ve been praying for you more than usual these last few days.
You amaze me; even in the darkest of dark you find hope.
I love you.
When my oldest was being tested for ADHD the child psychiatrist asked, “So, how’s Mom?”
I let him know I was suffering from depression. Nothing new for me, but it was getting harder and harder to want to keep going.
He asked, “Are you climbing out of the deep, dark hole?” I responded, “I am. With God and meds, I know I’ll see light some day.”
That was all. We were there for my son, not me. But it was enough.
I felt understood. He described the desperation perfectly.
I’m so glad you know you will come out…in His arms.
It’s the best place to be.
i love you, and i mean it.
i am praying for you.
Super A,
You are on my heart big time.
Praying for you!
Hope you continue to do fun things during this season, taking breaks from the grieving process.
Glad you enjoyed our beaches and tulips. Was a blessing to see those pics on FB. We do have a ministering geography as God’s hand is so evident here (when not raining and gray :0). Hope that continues where ever you go.
In the meantime, drink mochas and eat chocolate. A lot of chocolate. :)
huuuggg
If I were there right now, I would hug you, and pray over you, and cry over you. So I will settle for the virtual hug, the real prayers and the real tears.
We got the letter. Hubby and I stopped and prayed over you. You are not alone.
@coloraturajoy says:
you are making huge strides….He is making huge strides in you. that is obvious. keep pushing on. ♥
i’m glad your time away has been healing.
healing is hard, though. and usually painful.
it looks like you have a lot of people who love you and believe in you.
me included.
Mmm. You know what? I just finished reading Mother Teresa’s personal writings “Come Be My Light). She experienced the black hole – for her whole.life. I can’t even begin to imagine that kind of pain. I don’t think I’m anywhere near as strong as she is – or as you are. God doesn’t give us more than we can handle? Not right. But He certainly knows how to show Himself when we’re on the verge of breaking. M.T.’s only way of seeing God was the way He used her. She never felt him, heard Him (except at the beginning of her ministry). Haibo.
Hugs from roo. And so much love.
hi, sassafrass.
i’m sorry i’m so hit-and-miss online, borrowing computers until mine comes. know that when i’m not here, you’re still with me. if you need me to sit where you are in the black hole and hold your hand until your ready to walk out of it, that’s cool. you can have my hand… and you always have my prayers.
just remember that you have everything you need. god gives you what you need, when you need it… all you have to do is just keep taking one step after another.
love you.
You are not alone. You will remain in my thoughts until you climb out of that hole.
When you do you will find all your friends here waiting for you.
mmmm … i so get this.
been thinking about you a lot this week.
black holes suck.
i’ve been in my own. you know this. not the same kind, but a black hole nonetheless. it seems neverending, doesn’t it? like light will never exist again.
keep trying to find it anyway. and when you are carried out, tucked snug against the chest of our Father, blinking from being in the dark so long… that will be a beautiful day. one i’ve been praying for. you may be broken into a million little pieces, but God will make it all into something beautiful.
but for now, know that i love you and i am praying for you. i know it sucks. but rescue is possible, and rescue is coming. just wait, friend. hold on.
To explain best what I was thinking about when reading this, if you have time, read this:
http://seekfightpray.blogspot.com/2009/04/through-cracks.html
Bringing you before the throne,
Melissa
@nateonamission says:
Hey Alece!
I’ve been reading your blog for the past couple of months, and I just have to say that I love it. You are so real with your readers, and I love that you keep us up on what’s up so that we can be praying for you. I found out about your blog through my sister who spent two months in SA with Thrive this past summer.
God bless, Alece
Nate
@nateonamission says:
Hey no problem, I have your blog on my favs and check it all the time! My sister is Hannah. I am in Mexico right now, and very excited to get home tomorrow to see her!
i am trying to let it all out… to face and feel rather than stuff and ignore.
sigh.
i’ve been thinking a lot about His yoke the past few days… just may be a blog post brewing with those thoughts…
welcome to the grit, rambler.
and i definitely love being near the ocean!
my trip was more of a hide-away one so i didn’t see anyone else i know in the area. i hope you know that in any other circumstances, i’d have definitely made a plan to see your face. [i owe you a long overdue update on my life... shame.]
and yes… laura and her beach were great for my heart.
give syd a squeeze for me.
i cherish those prayers. thank you, yeller…
feeling understood brings such a peace…
woah. thank you, jessica.
“super A”?? well all right! :)
i loved the few days of glorious sunshine i had while i was in WA. i seriously love it out there.
thanks, anneth.
sigh.
thank you, sarah.
someone gave me that book, and i’ve been anxious to read it. but like the rest of my library, it’s an ocean away right now.
i know i’m nowhere near as strong as mother teresa, but hopefully i’m strong “enough”.
There is no offense in my heart toward you. I am totally aware of your need to do what you need to do for you right now. Please do not spend a moment concerned about my feelings. They are only to see you overcome. You are in my heart often, and I cannot wait to see you again. Until then I will pray for an abundance of grace and glory to be upon you. Here is a verse of promise that I love…
“Instead of your shame [you shall have] double [honor], And [instead of] confusion they shall rejoice in their portion. Therefore in their land they shall possess double; Everlasting joy shall be theirs.” Isaiah 61:7
What surprised me about the book was… the more I read, the less I understood. Having it be an ocean away is okay – but maybe I can get you my copy when I get back.
the less you understood about what?
i’ve missed hearing you call me sassafrass.
thank you for your prayers. and your hand. i need both.
About her “relationship” with God. It really came across like she didn’t have one. Years upon years of struggling… and never a step in the right direction, it seemed. It was a very discouraging book to me, because I saw her struggle and struggle, and go through the motions. As far as I know, she never found meaning in the motions – except that she was doing good for other people and for God. Is that… is that good enough?
i think i will relate to many of her struggles and doubts. but i see how it would be discouraging as well.
hmmm…
Mmm. And, on second thought… most of me hurt for her while I read, because she was so caught up in the Catholicism of all of it. Now, I simply mean that she got so caught up in rituals and actions and must-do-it-exactly-right-s that I feel like she might have been looking for God in the wrong places. But who am I to judge? And… you will learn a lot from that book, friend. Despite the fact that I didn’t like it, I think I walked away with a lot more than I bargained for. Oh, the ways God works.
i know you get it.
and while that sucks, i’m also grateful you understand.
rescue is coming.
thank you, nutmeg.
“the best way to see the treasure inside… is through the cracks.”
so beautifully said.
i often look for God in the wrong places, too. i seek His love and grace in my perfectionism and busyness, in the thought that if only i could do more, be more… hmmmm…
i’m smiling at the thought of a prospective roo hug in a couple months.
who’s your sister?
and i must confess: i love when grit stalkers come out of hiding! thanks for showing your face!