my love/hate relationship with risk
Risk.
I say it under my breath as though it’s a a four-letter word.
Well it is a four-letter word, but sometimes it really does feel like a curse.
When I decided to make risk my one word focus for 2010, I knew it would be hard. I knew I might even regret it. I had no idea it would challenge literally ever fiber of my being.
My heart has been stretched threadbare this year.
And in ways no one will ever comprehend, simply waking up some mornings has felt like a painful risk.
Never mind my health issues. Or the ongoing pain of my divorce. Or a long, grueling fundraising trip, only to have to close the ministry because of a lack of funds.
My heart can only take so much.
And I seemingly kept inviting more with my commitment to risk.
I don’t necessarily think the year would’ve been easier had I not made that choice. That’s not at all what I’m saying. But I do know that I willfully leaned into hardship because of it. I stared the fiery furnace in the eye and said “But even if He does not…”
Risk.
Oh how I hate you.
And yet, somehow, with tears in my eyes… Oh how I love you.
I may have been stretched to my limits, but I discovered my limits went further than I ever anticipated. I may have hurt more deeply than I imagined possible, but the plumb line of pain showed me just how deep my heart runs.
I may have tentatively opened my heart a bit at a time, but I’ve experienced the matchless gift of being loved well. I may have trusted again only to have it stolen or abused at times, but I learned that I haven’t lost that skill entirely.
I may have held my breath as I stepped into potentially joy-filled moments, only to realize I still have laughter in me. I may have doubted more than I believed, but I’ve seen what a mustard-seed-sized dollop of faith in a mind-blowingly big God can do.
Oh risk… You’ve been worth it.
I’ve been worth it.
:::
Tell me about your word… your year… your heart.
And start thinking about your one word for 2011,
but don’t tell us what it is yet!
“but the plumb line of pain showed me just how deep my heart runs”
“I’ve been worth it”
To hear you say just those two simple things makes me want to do a happy dance for you friend! It’s like you have started to rip back the veil and let the light pierce the darkness and the pain. I love that. I know you are still in a cruicible, and it hurts, and it is hard, but I hear a fight developing – a fight for your soul, a fight for your heart… a fight to remember the beauty that you were, and are and are becoming. It is exquisite… in so many ways.
What I also love is that your “one word” has kept many of us challenged in the last few weeks as it has come around again. You have left a beautiful legacy with your “one word” and challenged us in a way that has been growth-producing and vibrant. I love that. Love it to pieces. Despite the hardship of this year… YOU.are.leaving.a.magnificent.legacy… :)
oh, my word for 2011, “Wonder” :) squee!
Hugs and love you friend!
“Even if He doesn’t, and then He didn’t.”
I have found that disappointment with God has been a theme of how He has grown me. Because disappointment with God isn’t the end of God’s plan. Just because he didn’t act today in the way you wanted doesn’t mean he won’t act tomorrow (or next week, or years from now) in some way to redeem today. Just wait and see. Even this will pass.
@nateonamission says:
Oh, this is so great! loving this post.
My word last year was decision. I feel as though it was a good choice. I think that it was a good word for this year. I definitely have made some good decisions, but it’s time to ramp it up a bit. I’m excited for God to change my world up this next year.
I have been thinking so much about this next year, and all the things the Lord has planned. I’m beyond excited for it. I already have a list of goals all encompassing one word that I want my year to be defined by. If you were to ask the people close to me about that list of goals, they’d tell you that it was rather ambitous. I’d have to agree, but I believe that with God all things are possible. I know that He wants me to choose Him, life, and joy that comes with following Him. I’m so looking forward to taking this year and running after Him with all that I have. yippee!!
I’m risking now. More than I ever have before. I still don’t know the outcome. I may not, even, for a long time. But trust itself … is SO risky.
@jaycaruso says:
Great post Alece. In light of decisions I have made recently, it was great to read this. I will be praying for you. I’m sure God has big things in store for you!
my word was “discipline”
I made the commitment i would stick with reading the one year bible. in past years I’ve tried it more times than i care to admit and never stuck it out. but this year i’ve done it (well almost 17 more days to go..) i’m happy with my accomplishment.
i’ll get back to you on 2011′s word.
Alece, it’s been very hard for me to read your posts over this year because I’ve walked much of the road you’ve had to walk. I know the pain I’ve had to deal with very well. I’ve spent the five hours laying in the bathtub because you just feel like you’ve taken so much you can’t go on even another day. I’ve spent those nights screaming at the ceiling waiting for God to show up and then have Him not arrive. I read your blog and it just weighs heavily on me that someone else is having to go through it too.
But like you, I’ve seen God work through it. Every time I think I’ve had enough He just stretches me a little bit further. (I just keep hoping one of these days He’ll let me know why He’s been stretching me…can’t just be for the sake of stretching.) My word for 2010 was “hope” and while I thought it would be a good word it was anything but good. The year did break me to the point that I realized I had the hope in knowledge that Jesus died for me and that He rose again because at one point that’s the only thing that didn’t have me walk away from being a Christian.
As for 2011…I wouldn’t pray for a word for the year. The last three years when I’ve done it have brought little more than pain and I didn’t want to sign up for more. And then God put something on me that’s going to make a “word for the year” seem piddly. And I’m walking into it with very mixed emotions because this could be the biggest experience I’ve had with God or the biggest failure of my life. (And given the failures I’ve had, that’s saying something.)
Alece, over this year, it’s been great to see the way you’ve been loved on by God’s people. A lot of us don’t have that kind of loving support system. Even in your toughest times, God’s had so many there along your path. I’m so thankful for that.
i don’t know if you remember me telling you last year that my word (before our paths ever crossed) was risk also. that’s before i was pregnant with my first child, before i knew i’d be having the most beautiful baby boy with the most broken heart. that was before i knew i’d be holding him in my arms as he died.
but i dared to love him with my whole heart. i dared myself to get attached to him, to love him, to prepare for him as any mother would for her baby, knowing he might not be here long, knowing my heart was risking something huge if we lost him. i dared to look into those blue eyes as often as i could so he knew without a doubt he was loved.
o God … but even if He does not …
and He didn’t.
and i really hope i don’t have to, but i would do it all over again. i would risk my whole heart with a child who might not live — even though i cry every day, even though it hurts like hell, and even though there’s no guarantee we will be spared such an experience again. it’s hard to explain how very worth it it all was.
but yeah … give him the tiniest grain of faith, and mountains have moved.
love you, alece. xoxo
Way to see that the risk has made your life richer and the depth that God has taken you to is about beauty and not disgrace.
I did the “my year in status” thing on facebook, and as I did I was thinking about my word for the year: courage. I thought about the moments I wrote those statuses, and in particular I thought about the first week of January when God had a friend share with me Joshua 1:9- Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. I had heard that verse before but what she pointed out to me was God’s question. “Have I not commanded you.” It was God saying, “Am I not the God of all power who loves you initmately? You’re about to take on a year of courage but it has nothing to do with you being strong enough. It is about Me calling you forward and you taking steps as you stare into my face. Trust me to do the things that seem too hard and painful.”
And He has been and is my courage. He gave me courage to get out of bed, when some mysterious illness left me so much pain. Courage to see an alternative doctor that began to help and courage to believe Him that He wanted to heal me, even if He didn’t. Courage to finish my master’s degree, 80 page paper, oral exam and all, and most of that intertwined with the illness. Courage to start the process to teach overseas, even when I was unsure of my health. Courage to continue pursuing overseas even when I kept hitting roadblock after roadblock.. Courage to leave the community that had become my family and safety net, and trust that I would be provided for with friends and support. And now I am teaching overseas and I need the courage everyday to step in front of rooms full of kids whose aim is at times just to wear me out.
I found His faithfulness in this word courage. I found God to be bigger than I ever allowed Him to be because too often fear ruled my decisions. That gut-wrenching fear that makes you want to hide in bed all day. Instead of accepting that state of peril, my year became one of delight and adventure, and I learned more of what God means when He says that we have riches of grace.
So what is God hinting at for a word for 2011? I have an idea but I’ll wait to tell.
@crittyjoy says:
This is a beautiful post Alece. I don’t know…but I am pretty sure that if my word had been risk…I would have so have buried that one and chose another one. You stuck with it….so courageously…and what you have walked through. Risk was scary but fruitful. So beautiful.
My word was hope. Over the last few years I had gone from an optimistic hopeful girl to a pessimistic doomsday kind of girl. I wanted to embrace hope this year. Oh the bumpy road that came. I can honestly say though that hope does live in my heart….at times it takes over my heart and all I can do is hope. He is hope. He has given me tangible hope and hope of the heart and hope of His Word and now here I sit on the precipice of the end of this up and down year with the day before me of the celebration of the greatest hope….The reminder of the birth of our Savior.
He has already shown me my word for next year….and it was birthed out of this bumpy year but I am so excited about it. I am so looking forward to 2011 :o)
My one word for 2010 was TRUST! I have to say it was really pushed to the limits as well for me and beyond. I continue to be pushed towards trusting and you know, that is the christian life, is it not?
As painful as it is to lose Thrive, maybe it wasn’t that God did not, maybe it was God redefining who you are, what call He has on your life… Maybe Thrive needed redefinition because of the pain your husband caused the ministry… That’s horrible, and I ache with you for the loss of such a beautiful ministry… I seriously idolized that ministry and my heart ached to go there. Honestly, I would read over the ministry website, and look at the pictures and my heart would ache to take part….
Maybe it’s just that God is saying we must close this door to open THIS door that He is preparing before you… I don’t know…. I just know when God closes one door He does open another…. (ugh that was cliche and not scripture, but it’s what I heard in my heart as I wrote).
I have great love for you….
Alece, this has been the best ongoing blog discussion I’ve ever been a part of. Thanks for challenging me and reminding me throughout the year!
My words were freedom and joy. And, thanks be to God, he has been making those more and more a part of my life. I’m in a drastically different (and infinitely better) place than I was this time last year.
@savedsister7 says:
I would say that my word for the year was obedience. Obeying Him without knowing the next step or having His plan laid out for me to see. Not an easy time of it, but along with the tears came the blessings. I feel that He has grown me so much and yet has shown me just how much more growing I have to do at the same time.
“I may have been stretched to my limits, but I discovered my limits went further than I ever anticipated. I may have hurt more deeply than I imagined possible, but the plumb line of pain showed me just how deep my heart runs.
I may have tentatively opened my heart a bit at a time, but I’ve experienced the matchless gift of being loved well. I may have trusted again only to have it stolen or abused at times, but I learned that I haven’t lost that skill entirely.”
What wonderful words. This year, I too learned how to allow myself to be loved well. Its been a long, awkward, annoying process at times. But in the end I know that its God’s purpose, not only for me to love, but to BE LOVED.
I’ve said this 1000 times I know. But I owe all of my growth this year to being a Thrive Intern. I really can’t thank you enough for the opportunity you gave me to learn how to be loved.
I read your ache. I don’t totally get it, but my heart aches for you. I think of you often and pray you continue to persevere.
Have you ever listened to this song? (jj heller – your hands) It’s so much my new fave that the newborn in my arms got suddenly quiet just now when I played it. I think he may have recognized it from the bazillion times I played it while he was in utero.
I didn’t pick a word. I’m not really the new yr resolution kind, and that’s how I felt when “everyone” in bloggyland was doing this. But I had one that picked me. Granted, it’s obvious and ongoing/lifelong, and not really like the other words I see people have. But I felt God say that this yr was about parenting. (Duh. A mom of 4 kids? why parenting? lol) And it was. Sometimes in ways I sorely didn’t expect, and in ways I did. I was challenged for sure. I also “accidentally” got preggo with #5 (which was kind of prophesied by my pastor’s wife) and had this darling babe on Thanksgiving. I’m sure the lessons will keep coming, and I still have LOTS of work in becoming a parent who seeks God in all, but I’m excited (and tired) in this new phase of 5. And, I see my huz changing, too, which is even more exciting. Maybe 2011 will be the yr he seeks a closer walk with GOd. That would rock. Either way, I trust and rest and hope in God that it will happen some day.
@anitashawaii says:
All I can say is Thank You. For sharing your heart, for a glimpse at what courage looks like even in the midst of pain. Thanks.
@nicoleunice says:
Thank you Alece, for speaking words of honesty and hope, even in the midst of disappointment. I’m good at finding the disappointment, but not as good, sometimes, at finding the hope. I’m inspired by you, and I hope as you re-read your words and these comments, that hope continues to grow. My word for 2010 is “wait.” Let’s hope that’s not my word for 2011. :)
@atangie says:
Stand. That’s my 2010 word. From standing in more lines than I can count to standing in faith until my legs were shaky I have stood. Standing until I couldn’t stand it anymore. My feet are calloused and hurt. They tell me that is lovely. Maybe my word for 2011 will be pedicure ;-) because I sure need one.
My ex called last night. Wanted to take me out to dinner.
Told me that me blaming myself for our break up was Satan planting lies in my mind.
That it wasn’t my fault.
That his getting angry at my care and concern for his drinking was a reflection on HIM, not me.
That the person I was then no longer exists. That the person he was then doesn’t either.
That we just weren’t meant to be together, and that’s why we didn’t work out… it wasn’t my fault.
That I am an incredible, wonderful person, and he only wants the best for me.
He apologized for ways he has hurt me.
There was so much more, my heart can’t handle it. My mind and heart are overwhelmed.
For a year, I have been carrying a burden I wasn’t meant to carry. A burden to “fix myself” because no “Christian man” would want me because of how my ex had labeled me (“quarrelsome, manipulative, hypocritical” – all of which he apologized for, and said he didn’t believe were true when we talked last night).
I am not healed yet. I am not fixed. It still hurts. I, for some reason, still feel weird about him dating others.
But I can recognize the lies from Satan.
I can learn to give my burden over to Jesus.
I am scared. but I finally believe that I can “subject others” to myself. I am not “not good enough to date a Christian man”.
I don’t know what this means. but man. it’s been crazy.
@Melissa_Rae says:
You have inspired me this year.
I had to go back in my archives to search my thoughts & heart in the early days of 2010. Here, I crave simple: http://eloranicole.wordpress.com/2010/01/02/ijustneedsimple/
…I think this could sum up as my word for 2010. Getting back to the basics. Remembering how to breathe. Being wiped clean. Starting fresh.
…2010 is bookmarked by some staggeringly beautiful yet horribly devastating moments. Throughout it all, God poked and prodded in ways I never imagined possible. I needed this reminder. I needed the reminder that in all things, He is good.
This is the line that gripped me: “But I do know I willfully leaned into hardship because of it.” Big sigh. I get this.
I’m having that kind of season where you’re reminded of how, as a child, growing pains really hurt. And still do. Hebrews 12:11′s been my verse for several months now.
My words for 2010 were “more” and “arise.” Oy, careful what you pray for. Because I can see those going right alongside those growing pains.
Alece, I am so thankful for your words and your transparency in sharing your journey. Thanks to others as well for sharing; I am encouraged.
Faith and humility. My words for the year that brought more newness than I ever could have guessed.
God chose the word “faith” for me. As God pushed me into more and more new experiences I had no other choice but to have faith –unless you count the choice of curling up in the corner and hiding from life–and I just really didn’t want to take that option :) Thank You God, for pushing me, and being there each time I doubted and wimpered!
“Humility” I chose. I’ve struggled with alot of pride throughout the years, and I frequently prayed that I would be less prideful, but it hasn’t been all that successful. This year I heard a friend pray for humility and a lightbulb went off in my head–I was praying for less pride, but not for more humility. This perhaps is a trivial thing, but for me it was huge. As I dedicated to pray for humility, I have seen God teach me many beautiful (and sometimes painful) lessons that I couldn’t quite grasp before. I pray for humility and wait expectantly for God to teach me, and little by little I know He is.
@bahava says:
my 2010 word is joy.
i started out thinking that it was just a little word and that i wanted something with more punch and action but yet thinking it would be a lovely thing to cultivate and see in my life.
i’m ending the year thinking that that little three letter word is so small that it’s hard to hold onto often.
i started out making joy lists and found so many wonderful things that bring a smile to my face only to realize that yes, i’m thankful and grateful for those things…but that the joy i crave comes from the Father alone and is found in Him alone. not in the flashy or even the simple things of this world. they are lovely and every good and perfect gift comes from above and yet it’s that delicate soul balance of loving god alone rather than the things god can give me. so, yes, i thank Him ever so much for all He’s given, but am reminded to take joy in Him alone regardless of what i see and especially when it’s hard….when i’m stripped and bare.
and 2011…i’ve got my lovely little word and it terrifies me and i’d rather not fully own up to it until i have to so i’m clinging to joy until the clock strikes.
@NAWinter says:
I have nothing deep to add to this except that I loved this post.
I hope you keep risking my friend and that as you do, God rewards that risk in bigger ways that you can imagine.
In the last 6 months I’ve lost sight of my word… enjoy. I’ve fallen back into going through the motions. For the last couple weeks of the year I am trying to refocus…
My counselor recently said something that hit me hard. I’ve just thinking it will have to be my word for 2011.
-Ashley