my first break-up
My husband is the only guy I’ve ever dated. So I’ve never broken up with someone. Or been broken up with.
But this year I experienced the devastating break-up of my marriage.
Niel’s heart walked out first, when he chose to begin an affair with my friend that lasted a year and a half. The rest of him followed seven months ago when he told me he wants a divorce.
I’ve grieved so much loss this year. Of my husband. My marriage. My identity. My dreams. I’ve bounced between denial, anger, depression, anxiety—sometimes all in the course of one day. I’ve cried. I’ve cursed. I’ve questioned. I’ve surrendered. I’ve taken back. I’ve begged. I’ve raised my hands and closed my eyes and said absolutely nothing.
And through the din of my own heart noise, I hear again God’s whispered promise of wholeness. Nothing missing. Nothing broken. Life as it was meant to be.
He is making all things new in me. Not just fixing them. Not repairing, rebuilding, or even renewing. He is redeeming. And making me new.
Some days I see that, feel that, know that more clearly than others. Thankfully those days are coming more frequently. The pain isn’t as deep as it once was, the tears don’t come as often as they did, and hope isn’t as elusive as it used to be.
While I wish this wasn’t part of my plot, I take heart knowing that God isn’t done with my story yet. He’s still writing.
My first break-up won’t be my last chapter.
@moweezle says:
Love you and sooooo proud of you!!!
Alece,
I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you have experienced over the last year & a half. I can say that I grateful that you have let Cathi & me be a part of your life & it is my prayer that we can continue to be that for you. Although we cannot provide as good as a haven as God can, I hope we can be a close second for you.
All our love,
mark & cathi
@gritandglory says:
you guys have been so wonderful to me. a “haven” indeed. i hope to hug you both again before i head back to africa next year. please?!
You are the God of my story,
Write every line for your glory.
This song has resonated more deeply than any other – in a LONG time. Yesterday you reminded me of it. Today I am praying it – for you – as you write, as you grow and as you live.
You’re loved.
@chrystieecole says:
OH…what song is that?
It’s called Breathe on Me by Todd Fields. . .and it’s amazing.
@gritandglory says:
it meant so much that you commented. and thank you for praying the words of that song over me… my heart resounds a loud “amen”.
My prayer today is that the ‘nakedness’ you posted about on FB falls away, and that you feel the incredible arms of Jesus wrapping around you. You took a big leap today by posting this, and your blog world friends are standing around in a metaphorical circle giving you a big group hug.
love you, sassafrass. you always know where to find me when you need me… i’m here :)
These words scream inside of me as I read your post.
“bestow on Alece a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
She will be called an oak of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of His splendor.”
@gritandglory says:
one of my favorite passages. thank you, orange sherb.
You are an Oak Alece. Even oaks sway in the wind, in the storm, but they still stand, You are still standing! you are such an inspiration,I love you dearly my friend. Your welcome!
We e-mailed last month, and I’ve owed you a reply for some time. Just a little over an hour ago I finally replied, and then I come and read of your bravery. Wow! I can’t help but think that it’s not a coincidence.
My prayer is that you find comfort and solace knowing that the Maker of heaven and earth loves you deeply, unconditionally, and with a passion that could never be mirrored by any human.
Also, I included the verse that Sherbert has typed out. Weird… :)
Praying, praying, praying! xo
-’mascara girl’ ;)
@gritandglory says:
i so appreciated your email. you have blessed my heart tremendously…
Alece, I am so sorry for what you have experienced this past year. There is nothing more ugly or sorid than marital unfaithfulness, especially when a supposed friend is involved. You are brave to share, and I know in doing so you will help many who are in the wake of this, or will go through it at some point. I hope to hear from you on email….when you are ready. Love, Storie
I have “stalked” your blog for some time, but this is my first comment. I am amazed by all of your work in missions and specifically Africa. I felt your tremendous hurt and could only pray peace for you as we have never met. I wanted to reach out now and tell you that your story is not lost, even if you don’t know everyone you touch on a daily basis. I do continue to pray peace and calm for you during this very difficult time. You will feel better – maybe later rather than sooner, but you will be restored. Thank you for what you have done and the lives you have touched in your walk with Christ.
@gritandglory says:
woah.
WOAH.
thank you, jen. sincerely.
@cassgirl says:
Redeemed you are!!
Many woman will stand to their feet today and tell their own stories.
because of a great God doing His work in you my friend.
You are not fragile today, you are the finest and purest of China because of Him
I love you fiercely..
Ohhhhhhhhhh. Friend, I am struggling to find words that are not surface, not shallow, not meaningless. I’m not sure I have them. But what I DO have is an AWE of our God who, YES!, is redeeming you and using you and holding you and loving you and strengthening you!!
Thank you for trusting us to hear your story. This is absolutely not your last chapter, and I know I’m not alone in saying I can’t WAIT to see what God writes in the next chapter of you – and the next, and the next… :)
Love you Alece! I am praying. This is kinda how I was praying anyways but, now I know God was leading me. I’m sure there will be healing in sharing as well. He will use this heart ache to help you reach other women and someday comfort them in their time of need.
Hold on to Jesus! He is your first love.
Alece,
just wanted to say I wish I could hug you and cry with you and laugh with you whenever you needed it. You are an incredible woman. xoxoxo
@gritandglory says:
it’s been a looooong time, steph. i smiled to see you here.
@tamhodge says:
God will do, is doing, a big work through this.
the choices people make, the things we must endure in life, do not always make sense. but in it – there is always a work to be done…whether that be in us or in others through it. im so grateful that you have handled this with such maturity and grace and faithfulness.
to say i am proud of you would be the biggest understatement of the year,
i love you.
I thank God that He continually nudged me with your name and had been on my knees for you, sweetheart!! You bravely closed this chapter today and it will be used for the testimony and a walk to freedom for His glory. We are connected for life, you will always be my baby!!!
Cling to Him who has loved you since before you were born. I am thankful for you, and for your willingness to share this story. I pray that our very big God will give you comfort and peace. That His peace will wash over you in a way you can’t shake it.
@gritandglory says:
“in a way you can’t shake” — yes yes yes! thank you for praying that over me!
I have a friend who left an abusive marriage over 10 years ago. She still remembers how a woman prayed for her that His peace would flow over her like honey. It’s a visual that’s stuck with me now too. Just imagine that sweet peace so thick and sticky – you couldn’t get it off of you if you tried. I love that! I’m praying that for you!
first..i love you.
second, i know how bad this one feels, and the rollercoaster that it sends you on mentally, emotionally, and physically. I am going to pray more for you. If I can ever do anything plz let me know, even if you just want to come and hide from the world. You are beautiful!
You are amazing. You are brave. You are strong.
Love to you and continued prayers….
Just sitting before the throne for you, thankful that He understands the things I can’t put words to at the moment…
@atangie says:
While we wait for that greater weight it doesn’t feel so great, but it’s gonna be. Oh, yes, the best is yet to come. Your bravery is admirable. Loving you!
I.Love.You. Wishing Atlanta was not so far…….Hugs
@bahava says:
love you and thank you for being honest about the ups and downs because unfortunately I know what it’s like going through those as well in different circumstances. praying for you and so excited to see God redeeming and making you new through this!
You will be better than new.
You have no idea just how much.
sending you a BIG HUGE hug!
Love you lots!
God is shining His face upon you!
Hugs!
@gritandglory says:
i love you, amanda. i’m so glad you’re in my family!
The silence falls all around me
Shadows linger, memories sting
I look into the face of God
And wait for peace I know He’ll bring
A romance ended all too soon
A love that for a time brought joy
But now the bittersweet reminders
Are all that’s left…the love’s destroyed
But oh how powerful are the thoughts
Of holding hands…and kisses sweet
Of laughing , crying, sharing all
Until goodbyes there in the street
How can a love be rich and full
So strong, so good…then gone away
How does one keep the heart alive
And find the strength for every day
It feels like part of me is missing
Like nothing ever is quite right
The days flow by , and something fills them
But teardrops flow in dark of night
The longing just to see your smile
Or feel your touch just one more time
Or hear your voice inside my head
With echoes filling up my mind
But fate has turned the page for us
And once again, it’s only me
And when I let your image go
It feels that’s all there’ll ever be
But wait …what is that sound I hear?
Theres’s something stirring deep within
The voice of Jesus , whispers softly
My broken dreams I give to Him
And so I close my tear filled eyes
Allow His love to fill my heart
I may not yet be free of sadness
But still, I know, that it’s a start
Though somewhere in the hidden corners
Your memory will revive again
I hold on tight ..for He is present
And I am there, still safe, in Him
My comment is much like Tam’s. MUCH like it. Proud of you would be an understatement. I have watched you for 18 months transform so much, even before you knew for certain that this was the direction of your life. I look back and see that God was preparing you. Surrounding you with love that would be called upon for this time. Love that he orchestrated just for you, to hold you right now.
I read through all of these comments and tears fell down my face at the amount of love here for you, but even more than that, I saw God’s hand in each and every one…. saw the way he put you on the hearts of others before they even knew your story. To know that He loves you that much, just leaves me in absolute amazement of Him and what He can FURTHER do in you, in your life…. things I know He will do.
I love you sweet friend. Always.
@nateonamission says:
I agree wholeheartedly with this. Every bit of it.
@gritandglory says:
thank you for letting Him love me through you…
Restoration has begun….Chapter one is over….. The Lord will write the next chapter and the next….and the next. This is the day that the Lord has made, and we shall rejoice!!!! Love you bunches, MOM WEEZER
A song popped into my head for you that I heard at a church ONCE a long time ago… I was rereading your comment on twitter from last night…. where you said you were an emotional wreck writing this…. and I said “don’t chicken out! the devil has power in our silence!”… and these words came to me because you were, you are, victorious in this. You have victory over this because what the devil tried to use in you last night, you gave to God….and look at what HE is doing with it!
Victory! Victory! Victory He’s given for me!
Victory! Victory! Victory is mine, I am free!
You are victorious in this.
…thinking of you so much today. Missing you. Hurting with you. PROUD OF YOU.
So proud of you! Love you! Love you! Love you! Love you!
I love you.
So proud of you! You have been in my prayers all day and your story is such a testimony to other people. I am proud to call you friend and thank you for being vulnerable to me and everyone else. Your story has many more amazing chapters to still be written. I can’t wait to read what God will write next with you in His amazing story. Cheers!
@gritandglory says:
i’m grateful that you’re gonna be around for this next chapter, mo…
Love you Alece! I hope you find peace and freedom in sharing. You are a wonderful blessing and light to so many.
hey alece – i’ve only commented once but i’ve read your blog for about 2 years now and I just wanted to say I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. I wanetd you to know that the only other time I’ve commented was on the post where you said “Do it afraid. Fear paralyzes, but courage shrugs its shoulders and takes a step anyway.”
That resonated with me so much at a time when I was dealing with deep fears of having children. Those words got me through my pregnancy and my unplanned c-section. And I pray they will get you through this time of your life. Thanks for sharing and being real.
@gritandglory says:
hearing how those words got you through your situations is… wow. so encouraging to my heart. thank you for telling me.
and i’m definitely doing this afraid…
i’ve been praying for you all day long, stranger. :) may God just give you strength and bless you more than you could ever imagine. You are loved. So much. -coop.
You will be able to share with another someday and lead that person through the hard places. God has blessed you in a special way. Hard way, but very special. You’ve been on my heart for a very long time, Praise God you are starting to seeing Jesus carrying you.
Praying for you always. Cathi’s Dad.
Hoss
@gritandglory says:
you made me feel hugged with your comment. thanks, hoss.
Let me share with you what someone wrote a few years ago, inserting your name in place of the original.
Dear Alece,
You are a going on for God lady, you inspire me!
Love, Theresa
God is still writing your story, developing a beautiful Christ-like character. You who I am privileged to know via the blog. I’m praying the peace of Christ fill your heart today.
Bets and I are praying for you. So good to see you the other week. I know it all sucks, but somewhere, somehow you’ll find the why.
pressing on,
g
@mandythompson says:
My heart has just split open, again, for you.
In just a few short months, I’ll have two extra bedrooms and one extra bathroom, and just a short drive to the beach, which stays warm and sunny throughout the year.
Just say when.
@gritandglory says:
when!!!
Wow. You are amazing and you are strong and you are beautiful and you are loved and you are fabulous and you are so many incredible things that only God is revealing. I can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings.
Thank you so much for sharing this.
My parents separated earlier this year and some rather gutwrenching, shocking secrets were revealed.
I have found so many of your blog posts this year so fitting to how im feeling and the songs you referenced have become a playlist .
Thanks
@gritandglory says:
i’m so sorry to hear about your parents…
@lynselstevens says:
Thank you for sharing this. I so respect your openness. I am praying for you as this process continues. Hugs from Alabama.
oh mammabird; i love you.
What a beautiful post. Your authenticity and attitude through all of this has been inspiring. I really do believe that God is restoring you. His will is perfect and precedes our own ideas.
“Life as it was meant to be.” What an amazing thought. We’re praying that for you.
And a beautiful story He is writing of your life….ashes into beauty….
@danielleH says:
oh friend -
i love you. i’m praying for you. i’m praying for him.
His arm is not short that He cannot save, redeem.
Your faithful, steadfastness and courage is utterly amazing.
Africa is, and will be, changed from knowing you. i am changed from knowing you.
i’m so sorry for your hurts…He is near the broken hearted.
@gritandglory says:
thank you for praying for him. really…
Yeah, what they all said. But for real, dude. You are awesome. I love how people already have been touched by what you’ve blogged all through this past 18 months and it’s just the beginning. Thanks for your boldness in putting it all out there. Not easy. Not safe. But needed. Love you girl and lifting you up!
Oh Alece… thank you for sharing your story. When I read you, I am always reminded of my daughter. She called once, late at night, crying, after a “break-up” and wanted to come home. Wild horses could not keep me away from her. But then, you know about rescues too. Very proud of you Alece.
Alece,
I have always looked up to you so much, ever since you used to babysit me and my brother and sister. My whole family has been praying for you. We love you so much!
Deborah
@gritandglory says:
what a surprise to hear from you, debs. i so appreciate your prayers.
You are so transparent and honest…something i admire about you. I wish I could be so transparent! I love you sooo much and you are on my mind constantly. ::hug::
So many, so many, SO many standing with you in faith and love and confidence that He will put a new song of praise in your mouth. Receive each word people here are pouring out on your precious head and heart, Alece. They’re coming from His heart, just for you.
I keep thinking that your refusal to stay in the dark and hide because of this robs anyone or any thing that ever wants to try and hold this over you. No shame, Alece – ever. God IS redeeming this, and He will make it beautiful in His time.
@gritandglory says:
“no shame”. i can’t even begin to tell you how significant that phrase is to me right now. thank you, friend.
I hate this for you. Hate it.
BUT.
I can’t wait for the day that you’re able to look back and see clearly what God pulled you out of. I can’t wait for the day that you know that you know that He has repaid exponentially what has been stolen from you.
I, too, am so proud of you. The very best is yet to come, and I’m thanking the Lord in advance for it!
Loving you, friend.
@gritandglory says:
“repaid exponentially what has been stolen”… i can’t wait either. sigh…
@chrystieecole says:
He is definitely not done writing….I have a feeling He has only just begun. He is redeeming. Great post, Alece. Thank you for sharing it!
As incredibly messy and painful that it must be, I love that your first break up isn’t your last chapter – perhaps just an introduction? I can’t even imagine what this last year must have felt like for your heart never mind for your mind to try to grasp ahold of. I’m so thankful that this story, your story, is only just beginning and that His greater grace that will carry you through this will bring you to a new high place beyond those dreams that have been lost. Thanks for sharing the beginning of the rest of your story.
you already know that we share a lot of the same pain this past year. i am so proud of you for sharing your story. and you are right that God is not anywhere near done with it!!
i remember when you left a comment on my blog and said that God’s promise that you were holding onto was “shalom”. you followed that up with the definition of nothing missing, nothing broken. that was so new to me – i loved it. i am praying shalom for you tonight, my friend.
love you!!
I have such an intense desire: to just hold you.
I’m glad others are doing that for you, and that hope is not as elusive.
Thank you for trusting God. You are a hero in my heart.
@gritandglory says:
you got me all teary, friend. thank you for this. for your heart.
@bernardshuford says:
I can only say that I’m sorry, and as a “blog friend” of sorts, I will pray for you. So many suffer in this way.
I love the comment that say you will one day look back and see what God pulled you out of. Its nice that even as it hurts us, God knows what we needs.
I’m frustrated still for you and thrive that this has happened,however… I am so excited to see how bright Gods light will shine now that all of the “muck” has been cleaned out.
Keep on keepin on!
Iloveyou!
- sorry for all of the typos, haha. My fingers move to fast for my blackberry.
@cassgirl says:
When we first met heart to heart. There was a G&G banter going on and you mentioned that you did something when you hug, squeeze the wings or flaps?? remind me.
Because all these comments up there just did that too me… I cannot imagine what it did too you!
ahhhh, G&G bantar….. :D (love you Heidi!)
@gritandglory says:
wenis?! ha! (i’m all chuckles over here, friend!)
You are amazing and so loved. The end of your post reminded me of the Natasha Bedingfield song, “Unwritten”. The rest IS unwritten and I eagerly anticipate seeing what He has in store. So, so proud of you! Nakedness is not easy. Love you!
@gritandglory says:
i love that song. and yes… i feel unwritten. and while parts of that scare me, it also excites me.
@coloraturajoy says:
it is incredible the amount of grace and strength you exude.
it’s not always easy to own what has been handed to us.
praying still for strength for you.
there’s definitely a light at the end of the tunnel.
Only faith can heal a wounded heart. Your words are a testament to your faith. You will be healed. Each day will close that wound a little more.
Thank you for sharing your trial with us. Sharing is the best expression of friendship. You are a very good friend to have.
Even though this has been a tremendous hurt for you, I have no doubt that you’ll make it through. You are a strong woman and I feel like God has something great ahead. Take care, Alece, and I am praying for you.
@nateonamission says:
I have been reading this comments throughout the day, as I am sure you have as well. I find it very interesting that I’ve never met you, but I found that you were on my heart a lot today. Remembering often what you were going through the last year and a half and today. I am so proud of you, and happy to to stand together with these people, shoulder to shoulder, in prayer!
@gritandglory says:
i love how many others read through all these comments as well. the extravagantly loving response has been overwhelming…
@mjdagenhart says:
I don’t really know what to say.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. That alone takes great courage and strength that only faith can bring.
I’m praying for you!
@knights_lady says:
;(
John 11:35
Dear Alece,
You will not remember me at all. I left a comment on your post written back on 28.11.2008 and someone just reading that has linked to my blog from the comment I left.
Anyway, a year ago or so we did email each other a couple of times and I used to enjoy reading your blog, but eventually, I drifted from it. I believe it is God’s doing that I am back here again and I just wanted to say that though things may seem awful right now, you will overcome, you will be restored and renewed with a new strength, you will be lifted up on wings like eagle’s in God’s perfect time. These are not just words. I went through that fire myself almost 6 years ago now.
Thought my marriage did not break up, I went through a very similar experience and we came close to a break up. The healing process lasted years and through that time the Lord did amazing things in both our lives. I can assure you that a year or two from now you will look back and be astonished at the things God will bring into your life, the opportunities and challenges which will take you to places you never thought or dreamt you could get to, and I don’t mean physical places.
Be blessed and take care,
ransom33
@gritandglory says:
i’m so glad for that link that you got back here. thank you for your words — from His heart for mine.
Alece…I have known you for a long time. Most likely longer than anybody on here.
And while over the last 10 years we have lost real touch. I still consider you what you where when we were kids…a sister.
Reading this completely breaks my heart for you. Makes me wish we didn’t lose touch. It is harding reading that you are in so much pain.
At the same time..God has not given up his throne so I know you are in good hands…I am praying for you. Praying for restoration and praying for your future which God holds in his hands.
@gritandglory says:
your words meant so much, joel. thank you.
@20BOLD11 says:
I just want you to know that I have been praying for you for a long time. Ever since last year when I was going through my divorce and we had exchanged some emails. Even though I didn’t know what was going on from you God had shared in my spirit the need to lift you up in prayer and I have been. I’m sorry I haven’t been around much. As you may or may not know I have been through a long, heavy storm since my Daddy’s death and divorce as well but am in a season of praising God for the new thing He is doing in me on the other side.
You WILL come out on the other side of the valley. I don’t know when. I don’t know what it’ll take. But I know you will.
Why?
Because that’s what He promised in His Word.
I love you Lece.
@gritandglory says:
i know it’s been a hard, long road for you as well. thank you for your heart.
Thanks for sharing honestly from your heart. Praying – and knowing, trusting – that Jesus will continue his healing work in you.
I just wanted to say I can relate and I’ll be praying for you. Thank you for sharing your life with us!
The pain isn’t as deep as it once was, the tears don’t come as often as they did, and hope isn’t as elusive as it used to be.
^^
I completely understand.
Those are my thoughts written/
“Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.” (Psalm 34:5)
God bless you as you continue to look to Him. May you feel His arms carrying you day by day.
oh so sweet is His redemption. (coming over from Giving up on Perfect)… may you always feel His presence, and when you can’t, may the knowledge drown out any feeling you have.
“My first break-up won’t be my last chapter.”
Keep writing.
“We must be willing to let go of the life we’ve planned to have the life that is waiting for us” EM Forster
“If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with success unexpected in common hours.”
Henry David Thoreau
“It is doubtful whether God can bless a man greatly until He has hurt him deeply.”
A.W. Tozer
Three great quotes I hold on to. I hope these comfort you like they comfort me.
@gritandglory says:
that last one gets me every time i hear it.
thank you, anne.
dear alece
i came on to your website through jennyclayville’s. i the christian wife cheated on my nonchristian husband and while it was for a short period and only emotionally, my husband is having a hard time forgiving. i have been trying very hard the last fe wmonths to fight for this marriage. (we are now separated, his decision.) i understand your hurt and pain, as i saw and lived it through my husband. and yet, through this all, you still remain faithful to God and cling on to His promises. the way you have reacted to this devastating event of your life has been a real inspiration to me. i am struggling to trust that God will bring us through this, because i still fall back on reproaching myself so often. but i know i have to let Him work because there isn’t anything i can do about my husband’s choices. i can only choose how i react to them. like you did with your situation.
i said a prayer for you, that God continues to bring healing to your heart, and gives you the strength and energy to do the good work in His ministry.
thanks, alece!!
c
Your heartache is not in vain. May God continue to heal your heart and life!
http://kennyelliott.posterous.com/men-contemplating-cheating-on-your-wife#
@jeffgoins says:
Love the honesty. It’s an honor to know you and to witness how God is in the process of redeeming this situation.
My friend Sonny put me onto your site and he was right in telling me that you have a very touching story. I am happy to see that you are finding your way through the difficulty and pain by following the wisest counsel of all.
Remember that the life of the faithful is not an easy one because faith untested is just an ideal. Nothing missing. Nothing broken, Life as it should be. Beautifully put.
I look forward to reading more.
@DGeneStrother says:
Beautiful. Powerful. Beautifully powerful. God bless and godspeed on your journey.
Hello Aleca…your mother is the reason I checked out your blog and I am so very glad I did. I collect courageous wise hearted women to gleam from. Your mother has become my latest. It’s encouraging to read something so real that you feel God in every word someone write. No, I did not get holy goose pimples but I did get a rush of gratefulness that you have allow your creator to heal and use you for His glory.
My husband and I are missionaries with New Tribes Mission. Spend many years over seas, the latest place since 2004 in Papua New Guinea. Part of ministry is called member care. The same things that trip believers up in the states trips them up overseas…for it is a heart matter not a location matter. My heart ache for you Aleca as it has for couples we have met with over some of the most heart breaking sins. Sin is like a rock thrown into a pond the ripples reach far and wide, the bigger the rock the wider the ripples.
I am going to try to put your badge on my blog for my one word for this year is “kindness”. I first started with wise hearted taken from the words in Exodus, I added courageous after we first got to Papua New Guinea for I so needed it. Then just this year I ask the Lord for another word to add and kindness instantly pop into my mind. I am not a kind person my nature..I can be rude, to bold, too opinionated, too brash, anything but kind. Daily I depend on my supernatural God to give me kind words to say to others, a kind tone to my words, a kind touch. Thanks for the challenge. Blessing my courageous wise hearted newfound blog friend.