my broken cisterns
My sin takes on a variety of shapes, but all of it basically boils down to two things… the same two things the people of Israel continually struggled with—
I sin by not trusting God.
I forsake Him. I deny not only His power, but His heart. I turn away, shift my gaze, seek other things. I make an after-thought of the One who should be my first priority. I question if He really has my good in mind. I lose sight of who He is by focusing on what He can do for me (or on what He doesn’t seem to be doing for me). I try to find life apart from Him.
I sin by trusting myself instead.
I dig my own wells, even though they are insufficient and faulty. I live as though I can do a better job of protecting my heart, fixing my situation, and meeting my needs than God can. I surrender, but take it back again. I attempt to control which way I should go and how quickly I should get there. I take matters into my own hands. I try to find life on my own.
When I dig my own wells, I always come up thirsty.
The water keeps rushing out through the cracked walls, leaving me dry and empty.
The bitter taste of self-sufficiency doesn’t satisfy, yet I’m left craving more. I drink and drink and drink, but feel more parched with each sip.
He alone is the spring of Living Water. And trying to save up for a dry day is just my own feeble attempt to work things out on my own.
It’s time to abandon my broken cisterns and drink deeply from the life-giving spring of His heart…
He is more than enough for me.
Hey, Alece, I am curious — Anyone ever tell you you’re too hard on yourself…?
God isn’t going anywhere, you know.
Hey Alece! I have a confession: I abandoned you for a while. (Sorry) But I clicked back today and I’m glad I did–really timely messages for me over the past few posts.
@gritandglory says:
i’m grateful to hear that these have resonated with your heart, too.
this is my heart’s cry…..to be satisfied fully through Him. He is enough and so often, I lose sight of that. ok, everyday i lose sight and look in every direction, but Him.
that keeps me thirsty.
I’m with you, Alece.
@LindseyHartz says:
Slowly learning this as well as many things are stripped away; including my own false pretenses and assumptions about where I am spiritually. I too can be accused of being “hard on myself”, but at the same time I would rather be hard on myself then fall back into complacency. I think too, as women whose hearts are full of love and service towards others and who have been harmed deeply by people we loved, that you and I take very seriously the impact our actions and words can have on others.
It is so humbling and so breath-takingly beautiful to be refined over and over and over again. This time, for me, I’m resting in the peace that’s flooding my life by finally letting go (piece by piece) my grip on control. I’m learning to make Him my center.
So, so thankful that He never gives up.
Love you!
Your first bolded statement shot me through the heart. (and now that song is stuck in my head. excellent brandy.)
I fly tomorrow. I hate flying. I have this MORBID horrible thought that if I get on a plane I am doing to die. Seeeeriously it’s that bad. I know it’s not right, but still….the thoughts come, and rarely go.
And then I think “Just trust God dummy” and a split second later I’m scared even to do that. Even though I KNOW there is NO ONE ELSE controlling the length of my days but Him and He could strike me dead right now, just as easily as on a plane. But for some reason, the plane brings with it huge elements of fear.
So yeah, biggest test of trust for me coming up. Which you’d think my childrens safety would be the biggest test of trust….. did I mention I’m leaving them and Jake all alone for 5 days for the first time since becoming parents?! Gah!
And then I wonder if taking the meds prescribed me for flying is NOT trusting God. I’m pretty sure if I take them, I’ll swallow them with a big swig of guilt. ugh ugh ugh.
Pray for me??? ;o)
But about your post (ha!)…. you are amazing and wonderful. You have a way of saying what everyone’s heart FEELS but can’t find the words to speak to life.
Love you sweet friend!
@mat2820b says:
*hums* you give lu-er-erve a bayd nayme….
you’re not helping. LOL!
@gritandglory says:
oh raisin! i’m praying. and you don’t need to feel guilty about those meds… consider them a direct answer to prayer!
drink deeply from the life-giving spring of His heart…
This jumped off your blog at me. I too have struggled with trust and sole dependance on Him.
My prayer for this day is to put aside all of my fears, doubts, striving to manipulating Him to end my waiting, and to just sit quietly wrapped up in His love for me.
I will go back to desperately flailing about making a mess as I struggle to wait on Him tomorrow, but for today, I choose to trust and receive the life-giving spring of His heart for me.
@gritandglory says:
“but for today, i choose to trust”. that’s the most we can do, rob. i’m right there with you.
so appreciate hearing your thoughts.
Yes!
I love this!
I was convicted oh-so-gently by the Holy Spirit the other night for my sin of not trusting God and constantly looking to see how I could fix the broken and/or hard things in my life.
I was sitting on the couch watching Pilgrims Progress with my husband a couple night ago and I forget what part of the movie we were on but all of a sudden it was like a gentle lightbulb went off and I just KNEW that I had actually been walking IN SIN choosing to keep spinning and not trust God.
Without verbally saying anything, I just said, “You’re so right God. and I’m so sorry.”
And I kept watching the movie. and I felt so much more free.
Great post Alece! thanks for sharing your heart with us :-)
@gritandglory says:
i love this, heidi! your short dialogue with God right there on the couch… so great!
Yes! This truth you write so beautifully satisfies my thirst!
Here’s to more of Him, less of me!
@gritandglory says:
amen, kristen!
Wow this definitely hit home for me! Interesting… the trust issue keeps popping up for me!
my friend…this will preach.
last nite, the small group i lead, was on Trust. i am sending them all this link – i love your heart and ability to be wholly candid.
xoxox
@gritandglory says:
you are wonderful to me, laura. thank you for passing this along — i’m so glad it spoke right into your discussion!
I’ve been there so many times, Alece. I get tired of waiting on God and so I go out and make something happen. And the broken cistern that I create doesn’t always have a gaping hole…it’s usually around long enough to leave me good and moist. Then I start to dry off and it’s doubly bad because I remember the faint feeling of moisture upon me and start to crave it again…and when God makes me wait I go and do it myself. It’s a seemingly never ending circle and it’s hard to break.
You can do this, Alece.
so many of the scriptures that you meditate around are ones that I have loved too… and it’s really fun for me to see how God speaks to you through them… kind of opens them up in a different way for me too. thanks for sharing your “God-time” with us too, you have opened the scriptures in cool ways for me friend :) Hugs from St. Thomas!!
@gritandglory says:
can’t believe you’re reading/commenting on your vacay! thanks, jenny-girl!
@christielici0us says:
“I sin by not trusting God.”
The bold, brave way in which you admit this touches me deeply. Truer words were never spoken.
I had an opportunity this morning to either trust God or drive myself (even more) crazy. I chose to trust Him, as scary as that was for me, and in the end He didn’t disappoint.
Thank you for your inspiring words, as always.
@gritandglory says:
“i chose to trust Him…” i’m realizing that i make this bigger/harder than it needs to be. it all comes down to individual choices and moments. i just need to do the next most-trusting thing…
@bajanpoet says:
All I can say is that today’s post resonates with me. I do need to learn again how to trust God again.
@Melissa_Rae says:
Beautiful post, Alece! He is more than enough!
@Nomadstacey says:
I marinated on this for a long time a while ago. Wanted to share my processing of it with you: http://wp.me/pN8Eu-1r
I love this. The crazy thing is that God allows us to dig our own cisterns. But as you stated, they don’t work and we won’t be satisfied. I have only been reading your posts for about a month now, but I must say that I truly love reading them daily. You definitely have a gift of sharing simple truths.
Thank you for being you.
@gritandglory says:
wow, michael. thank you!
@traceepersiko says:
I have trust issues. sometimes when i say that, i think it justifies me not having to trust or validates that i don’t have to. Truth is i have a hard time trusting a lot, but the truth also is that I have a choice to do so. I wish it came without hurts but it doesn’t always work out like that. I want to trust. I want to see the better side more than the hurt. It comes down choosing. I need my mentality to shift to trusting in God because he will never not be trustworthy.
@PrudyChick says:
I can’t get out of my head that I can’t do this on my own. I fail miserably every time I try, you’d think that I’d get it by now. I say I trust, and in the next moment I’m digging my own cisterns and trying to drink from them while I stand there with Spackle trying to fix those dern cracks.
I need to lay down my trowel and Spackle and turn and drink from the cisterns He provides.
@tamhodge says:
mmm.
chewing on this.
Thank Alece. Well said! We have this treasure in jars of clay…
Love this post!
I was pondering the choice to trust recently, why we trust, why we don’t… and this kept coming to mind… “I choose to trust because I have absolutely no reason not to trust Him, and every reason to trust Him.” It reaffirmed two things for me — it is a choice, and it doesn’t have to be as complicated as we often make it.
Sometimes, we just need to get out of His way so that He can pour out the blessings on our lives and reveal Himself to us.
gosh, control and not trusting the Lord enough. . .girlfriend, i totally feel you on this one. somehow, someway, my feeble little mind thinks at least 3424389798 times a day that my idea of how God should work is better than His. yesterday in counseling, though, i realized that i would TOTALLY suck at the Lord’s job. i looked at the past 3 days of my life and could identify multiple times that the Lord specifically protected me from something. something i didn’t even know i needed to be protected from. and i realized that control is really an illusion. we miss the blessing when we get so caught up in trying to control and micromanage every detail of our life we miss out on the well’s springing up of Living Water — ready to pour over us so we will never thirst again.
If I were a better writer, more honest and vulnerable and eloquent, I think I could have word for word written this post. You so precisely described the current state of my heart that it’s scary.
Oh, that I would abandon my broken cisterns….
Another day, another favorite verse of mine. Makes me think of Is. 55:2. And yeah, count me in as one more that these musings/confessions really resonate with. The world’s like, “These broken cisterns are so great! Ya gotta get one!” But the Holy Spirit whispers to us, “It’s all Emperor’s New Clothes.” And by the Spirit we know it, but keep on with the useless cisterns.
You know the old saying: “You’ll know He’s all you need when He’s all you’ve got.” Lately I’ve been thinking about being at a card game, and pushing all the chips forward and hearing, “All in.” How many of us are deceived into thinking we’re all in, but really, we’re keeping back a few chips? Makes me think of Ananias and Sapphira. We see how well that turned out… Peter said to Ananias that he’d lied to the Holy Spirit. Are we just like Ananias when we sing, “You’re my all in all?” when we’re still holding that one “chip” back?
Maybe that’s why Elisha knew he had to build that fire……….
@gritandglory says:
this was so good, lisa. i want my trust in God to be “all in”!
Yeah…. the picture so bears His hallmark: To get right to the heart of things. With gentleness. Filled to the brim with truth.
In it together, friend.
When I dig my own wells I always come up thirsty….
Wow I know what that is like. I’m in that place again now. Good words to remember. Thank you.
wow.
“I attempt to control which way I should go and how quickly I should get there. ”
That’s me, right there.
Some say there is a “perfect will” and a “permissive will” when it comes to following God. I certainly think there is room for being creative, and pro-active – but we so need to be seeking God’s face through all we do.