more painful than adultery
My husband’s affair devastated me. But not as much as his deception did.
For a year and a half, he lied every single day. Not only to me, but also to our team of staff and interns. When I think of the sheer magnitude of dishonesty he used to cover up his unfaithfulness, I can barely breathe.
I wish I could say that the lies stopped when he was caught.
But I can’t.
I think the web of deception grew so thick that he could no longer tell truth from lies. He deceived others so much that he became deceived himself.
It wrecks my heart that he was never forthcoming with the truth. It had to be coerced out of him. Literally.
The day after Thanksgiving, when confronted with undeniable proof, my husband confessed to what he called “an emotional affair”. I knew that wasn’t all it was, so I continued to ask questions and challenge his justifications. Even after I left South Africa for counseling here in the States. And even though he told me my distrust was making it impossible to move forward.
Late one night, while I was here and he was there, I questioned him yet again as we chatted online. And he finally admitted that it was a full-blown affair.
That was a year ago today.
The blatant, ongoing deception hurts far more than the adultery. And it remains the most painful and difficult part of my own journey of healing.
It’s why trust is so shaky.
And why doubt comes so easily.
It’s also why I’ll never stop asking the Lord to help me live a life marked by unshakable integrity.
Beece…I have no comment for this; nothing to say. Nothing except that I love you. And I, for one, mean that!
@gritandglory says:
i love you, bean. wish i could hug you for christmas…
Me too!
*hugs*
“The blatant, ongoing deception hurts far more than the adultery.”
I so hear you on this.
I can only imagine all that’s going through your head and heart on this day. As you look back. As you look forward.
No words. But I’m praying. As so, so many others are.
@danielleH says:
I still don’t believe this is all true most days. I can’t believe it is.
BUT I love you. Really, cross my heart.
And I love Niel.
I love you and have SO much to say to this but I’m in the middle of a huge christmas project. Send me your address by 10 am and I will send you some!
Hi Alece –
I’d love to comment to this post and all the others i just read, but … I find myself in a moment when the sheer volume of my emotions is enough to stifle all attempts at speech. Are you still in Columbus? How long are you there? I will be in Ohio sometime in the next few days. I was planning on flying into Cleveland, but Columbus may do as well. I’m shaky right now. My husband and I just agreed to do Christmas without each other. And I’m not sure I can wrap any part of me around this tonight. But I don’t know if I can sleep.
@gritandglory says:
emailing you…
Alece, I have no words, just know I have been praying for you!
my heart hurts for you. a. ton. A TON.
but you’re so strong. and i admire that. even in your pain and weakness you are strong. you are true. you are living for Christ. and that gives me hope.
praying for your heart.
unshakeable integrity should be a real focus for each one who is a Christian.
It blows my mind to know how lie and after lie can come so easily but, I guess that is how sin works. You feel the guilt at first…then it just keeps getting easier until it’s second nature. I pray the Holy Spirit will prick his heart and help him to see how deep he is in sin. I’m sure it is hard to see someone you love/loved in such a web of destruction.
love you friend. I so wish I was sitting with you tonight in the corner of a restaurant. :(
@gritandglory says:
to be honest, i’m scared for him. thank you for praying with me for his heart to return to the Lord.
and i KNOW we will have our day… some day.
I have so much I want to say, but I can’t seem to find the right words. It does sadden me how he decieved so many…Im loving you today..and praying you will get throught today. Love you
@Nomadstacey says:
2 words: truth. strength.
i pray He holds your heart in His hands today. i’m one of those gals who remembers dates of everything, literally. the anniversaries of the terrible things just bite. plain and simple. i hate that today is that for you.
i can’t wait for joy to fill every corner of your heart. :) never forget how much strength resides in you!
oh how i love you (i’m speechless and I love you speaks louder then all words)
Father, may Alece feel your embrace today. Release her from the spirit of fear that has gripped her and heal those broken places. I praise you Abba that you bring ALL things into light. Amen
Just wanted to say…I don’t always have words to say. But I am always reading and listening…
Alece –
I’m standing with you and praying for your prodigal. Release your fears and trust that He is pursuing Niel, and knows what Niel needs to go through in order to be freed from the enemy’s deception.
Your unconditional love and forgiveness is what God will use to draw Niel back to Him.
The LORD said to me, “Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress. Love her as the LORD loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes.” Hosea 3:1
All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. 2 Corinthians 5:18-20
Alece, I cannot give words to the pain in my heart for you. Some things (not my words) are just unspeakable. In times like these, I think words are just an utter failure. And so I’m called to remember that when we do not know how to pray that the Spirit intercedes on our behalf with groanings too deep for words. That’s how my heart feels for you today.
In relation to the doubt, I remembered the words to a Ginny Owens song (oooold):
How does doubt slip in so silently
And why does condemnation come so naturally
Why do I still get the best of me…
What have I been given by Your grace
Will I come to understand this mystery I embrace
Make of me a new creation now
Fill me with all You are, Be all I am somehow…
Cuz I want to do is give this life to You
And let Your will be done til it’s all I want to do
Faith so fragile
Reaching for Your hand….
That part always get me…faith so fragile, yet still reaching. I know you know in your heart that the end is better than the beginning. Keep holding on. Keep reaching out. And let us hold on with you – or for you, when you can’t manage to hold on alone. You can’t always do it alone. Better yet, you’re not supposed to. We’re called to be the body – when one hurts we all hurt. We’re called to bear one another’s burdens, so that no one is weighed down with more that she can bear. I am choosing to bear your burden. Hugs and tears for you today. Praying for the healing balm of Gilead to be poured over your heart. And that you would know your worth – worth the highest price to our Father, priceless to us!
Also praying for Neil – for deliverance from the darkness of the Enemy’s deception, for restoration of a right relationship with the Lord, and for healing for the damage he’s left in his wake. For God’s will above all.
I see you blowing dust off a piece of furniture. It’s like slow motion. You bend over and blow the dust right off and when you regain your breath you look so happy! The piece is revealed in a new light.
Peace be with you!
All I have for you is LOVE. That is why I keep signing my responses with just “LOVE”.
Alece, your pain has touched my heart. Although I have not experienced (to my knowledge) the exact circumstances you are struggling with, I too am in a difficult marriage. The topic of pain and suffering is a large one for me, largely due to the physical and mental agony with which I must live daily. Please honor my blog with a visit and take a look at some of my thoughts on this topic. (I also write the blog called, “Lunamosity” which you have visited.)
http://cynthialottvogel.blogspot.com/2009/12/problem-of-pain-revisited.html
I hope something of what I have to say rings true for you and encourages you.
One more post for you to look at. I was a bit dissatisfied with the article I posted in Treasures from Darkness, so I had to finish it up in Lunamosity. Here for you to take a look: http://lunamosity.wordpress.com/2009/12/19/brass-tacks/
Thanks, Cynthia
The sun is setting in my own small corner of the world. That being said, I have three things to say:
1. I found out my girlfriend lwas pregnant whenshe told me that she had had an abortion.
2. The night before he got married, my best friend told me that he slept with the woman I had once wanted to marry.
3. When my doctor thought I had cancer, my girlfriend thought she’d like to start seeing someone else.
Of course, all of these things happened in the 20th century. And when I was backsliding. But, sadly, I don’t have time to tell the stories of these storms. I will say, though, that some people fall down and never get back up again. Instead they spend their entire lives validating the ground on which they lay. To my credit, and as much to ny debt, I was never one of those people. I have lost, in this life, so much more than I have gained. So I am waiting for my next life, the one God Himself is preparing for me. Meanwhile, I have to live this life. And I simply do not bknow any other way to live than to get back up again.
So your heart is broken. And still you are counting (a sign of active grief). But you are far, far too valuable to stay on this ground. And you have far, far too much to offer to become ensnared by this betrayal.
So many times I never thought I had the strength to see another day. And that is true even this day.
There but for the grace of God get I back up again.
And, well, if I can do it, you can too.
I leave you now with a famous phrase that someone once shared with me with impeccable timing: “Smile. God loves you.”
Because He does.
Hi Alece…
I came to greet you Merry Christmas. I used to comment here, although not often. I remember loving your posts and admiring you.
I am not prepared for what I just read. I am in shock and I don’t know what to say. I hope you’ll be alright. I hope too that you’ll find strength as you go through it.
Take care.
[PS: I am not good at saying the right words when it matters.]
You are a woman of high integrity. And, the Lord is healing your heart to trust again. And, until then, it’s okay to be where you are. You are most precious and, of this you can be sure, I love you!
P.S. Is Andrew your brother? I burst into tears reading the love that overflows from his comment and yours back to him. So awesome!
Alece -
At Marilyn Phillips’ blog she has a wonderful post on healing and trusting after betrayal. Scroll down to the Dec. post entitled “What to do with the pain of betrayal.” I pray that it ministers to your heart.
http://2equal1.blogspot.com/
Rainer
That’s Dec. 3…
My former pastor left his wife of 25+ yrs and family of seven, and was found to have been having an affair with another member of his fellowship. It has been determined that he is the father of that woman’s 2 youngest children, the older of which was almost 4 when he/she quit. He was a man who God brought back from the dead, who God gave 1000′s of songs of worship, amazing musical talent, a heart so loving it oozed, and an unbelievable testimony. His daughter told me, when they were growing up, he always used to say, “Deception is decieving.”
How true. How (not) funny and ironic.
I wish you peace, comfort, and the strength to move forward.
@genthoughts says:
Wow. Yes. I don’t know what to say other than ‘amen’.