i’ve lost my writeability
I’ve lost my writeability.
I can’t find words these days. I don’t know how to wrap my unarticulated heart up in letters and paragraphs. It seems like an impossible task to even begin to try.
Just a couple weeks ago someone used the word “writer” to describe me to someone else, and I immediately began shaking my head. “Why don’t you think you’re a writer?” she asked me. The past few weeks of stumbling over my own thoughts, unable to process them for myself let alone express them to someone else, have been my long-winded silent answer to that question. When words need to be wrestled to the page, and hours are spent laboring over a small pile of sentences… there is just no way I’m a writer.
While I don’t know that they were ever very good, words at least used to come easier than they do now. Now they are scarce, playing hard-to-get. They’re hiding behind coherent thoughts, which I also can’t seem to locate these days.
I’m losing horribly at this game of hide-n-seek.
It’s as though my heart sprung a leak. My insides have seeped out (along with all my syllables), and there’s no way to collect them all and put myself back together. And I have no idea how to begin patching up that hole.
I’m simply beyond repair.
As I type those words, I hear His whisper: That’s when I do My best work.
And though my head believes that, my heart doesn’t. Not really.
I won’t come to a place of full surrender until I want Him even more than I want myself back.
Because ultimately it shouldn’t matter that I’ve lost me, as long as I’m finding Him. In fact, I think that might actually be the whole point.
Sigh…
Now I’m just rambling, trying to find some neat way to tie a bow on this mish-mosh of unedited thoughts. But I can’t.
Because I’ve lost my writeability.
Seriously.
@johannaprice says:
Well, this post is just proof that you haven’t. But I know what you mean.
So many have said to me: “Be tender with yourself.”
Friend, you can be as-is…not post for months, and God’s loving you in all of it…so many others are too.
The best writers need some rest-time…
J
Based on what I see here, you haven’t lost your writeability at all. :)
Your honesty and transparency are powerful even if you don’t like your prose.
I feel ya, sister. It’s been happening to me too. When normally words would just flow and ideas are a constant stream, I’ve not been wanting to write.
That’s been my problem of late. I have the writing in my head still. It’s the sitting down to commit it to keyboard that’s been elusive for me lately.
This doesn’t mean you’re not a writer. In fact, the fact that you struggle with it probably means that you are. Quite a normal one, actually. ;-)
My experience: what you said. (ha) Keep seeking Him.
He’ll give you the words (and the willingness) when it’s time. ;-)
Love!
deb
Nevermind. I take it back.
That whole….it’s in my head but I can’t get myself on the keyboard thing?
Something clicked. ;-)
wow, well-written for someone who has lost their words. Be encouraged to let your journey speak for itself.
@moweezle says:
I completely understand how u feel. A bit back I felt the same way and really stopped posted for quite some time. Even though it was killing me, I knew I just needed to stop for a while and be silent. I started posting again recently, but not all the time like i used to and not like I used to. I think we just go through seasons, and I’m seriously still in that one a bit. Hugs and kisses to you and know that you’re not alone…. and its totally ok not to write if you dont feel ready. Love you!
“Because ultimately it shouldn’t matter that I’ve lost me, as long as I’m finding Him. In fact, I think that might actually be the whole point.”
I suggest forgetting about finding yourself and just continue to focus on finding Him. Through finding Him, He will show you who he made you to be. Also, forget about labels: writer, pastor, missionary, minister, blogger, etc, these only matter to the world, none of these matter to Him, you are His Daughter, adopted through Christ by God. This is how He sees you (us), being His kid is all that really matters. It is about the work He is doing in you, not the work you can do for Him. Be encouraged by His Love for you. Blessings.
So. much. word.
@nicoleunice says:
I hope, in the process of writing this post, you found that some words and phrases came to you that helped you make sense of your heart–even if it remains rough and uncut. I know that’s the power of writing for me, whether or not it ends up beautifully said.
@bahava says:
I hear you…all I keep using to describe my heart lately is “messy.” And finding words among the messy…not easy!
Alece,
I have a degree in journalism and when I can’t find words, I feel funny calling myself a writer. It happens to all of us. All of us. Sometimes I think we’re supposed to listen to sometime God says during this time…when He doesn’t give us words. But it’s frustrating, hard, and annoying, because writing makes us feel alive.
You will find your words. I pray it so!
And you’ll always be “Liz Lemon” to me!
Amy
Glad you’re back!
@atangie says:
words or not you are held in my heart. you are loved, alece. every bit of you.
This reminds me of the beautiful Natasha Bedingfield song “unwritten”! Please youtube it if you haven’t seen the video — it might be a delightful encouragement! The Good News is that the rest of your story is still unwritten! You can take it one day at a time, and see what might come your way tomorrow! Even without a lot of words, the way you walk is speaking volumes!
{And I agree with above — very well-written for someone who’s struggling for words.}
Blessings from SA, xCC
and now you know why my blog is covered in dust and has cobwebs of abandonement all over it! However, I do think you still have a lot to say….. when you’re ready. ;o)
Love you sweet thang.
I can totally resonate with this. I’d write in a private journal – but I find that I don’t do that anymore… I find it too difficult. I wonder what is the point of me writing. Thankfully, because it is a private journal, I don’t feel the peer pressure as much as you do. I am able to resign to not writing for a season – thankfully God knows everything and He is writing everything down. I’m not exactly sure what God is doing with me during this period of laying low, not writing, not fighting, not going after something – but I like to view this period as me being in the chrysalis. The caterpillar is busy eating and growing, the butterfly is beautifully visiting flowers – but the chrysalis just sits there generally unnoticed doing nothing. When I feel optimistic, I think that something beautiful will emerge… I would think the same thing for you.
gosh lece. . .this really sounds like the tune of my heart right now. i even told God yesterday that i am not going to survive if He asks me for anymore hard. i am all ‘harded’ out. i have had more than enough hard for one feeble lifetime, yet i know there is more hard and more uphill climbs along this journey. . .anytime you feel alone in the pain, the hard, the inability to think. . .i’m right here with you. . .and more importantly the Lord is. love you friend!!!
Because ultimately it shouldn’t matter that I’ve lost me, as long as I’m finding Him. In fact, I think that might actually be the whole point. — I needed to hear that today. I have felt quite lost latey…even while doing somethings that have challenged me and made me grow. It is the weirdest place to be. One of the things I have come away with in this season is to love quiet. I never did that before.
As for your writability….I have struggled with it all summer. It too is a strange place to be.
All I can think is that God speaks in all of our seasons. Even our strange ones.
Praying for you Alece.
The song in my head right now is the old Byrds’ song, “Turn, Turn, Turn”: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHvf20Y6eoM
There’s a time to write. And a time to maybe be written into……
We love you, Alece, even in your silence.
There’s more said in some people’s silence than by others who just talk and talk, sometimes.
I came to a similar epiphany Sunday. We were singing the song, The Stand, one I like but find rather overused. I have had a lot of emotional heart struggles recently and I have felt like I wanted to keep my heart safe from everyone. But it dawned on me that it was the perfect time to give my broken, selfish, hurting and hurtful heart to Christ. He can hold it for me, care for it, tend it, and fill it—FOREVER! Though I don’t want to share my heart with anyone right now, Christ is exactly who I should be giving my heart to in this time! So I sang the song, getting more of its meaning than ever before!
it comes back. just keep typing. you seem to be doing just fine!
shackles.
rattle the shackles, alece.
Oh friend,
I’m sorry that your heart is struggling…
I love you.
What’s funny is that as I’m reading this thinking how articulately and creatively you’ve expressed your lack-of-words.
xo
@cassgirl says:
Find your prose.
it’s there…
the He in your prose never left…
love ya!
Honestly, you just knocked out some good WRITING. I dunno, Alece–I struggle with writing too–but I am continually being told I have the gift of communication through my writing. Personally I will probably always shake my head in denial. I definitely think you have that gift as well. The Lord is doing amazing things through you, and whether you realize it or not, He is slowly healing your heart. In just the short time I’ve “known” you, I’m seen an amazing transformation. Don’t stop persuing Him. He’s there holding your hand through this and isn’t going to let go.
Love ya!
@amandalou01 says:
That’s a really good way of putting it. Ironically, I couldn’t even figure out how to word a comment because there’s so much rumbling around my head on this topic lately :) So I’ll leave it at that!
As you tip-toe through this journey you are on, you will undoubtedly go through seasons… seasons where you need to write for catharsis… seasons where you need to bow-tie your feelings up and sit with them for awhile…
You have had some huge changes this summer friend… you have stepped off of the words on a page into some critical, life-giving friendships… you have come alive in many ways that are new to you… your community is thriving not just here at the Grit, but in your real, living, waking time too outside of the words on a page. That is a vital part of the journey… experience it… live it…allow yourself the freedom to be IN the experience instead of just writing about it… allow yourself to take care of YOU for a season…
Sometimes there are seasons of silence where God puts the oxygen mask on you and just says “breathe little one… in… out….in…out… sit quietly and just receive…”
Sometimes God will allow you a season in a cave where you wrestle with thoughts and feelings SO incredibly private that they don’t need to find expression online… that is fine….
And it is perfectly fine to be wherever you are friend. You owe yourself the freedom to be who and where you are at any given moment in time… it’s ok to look out for you friend :)
Know we all love you enough to allow you to be where you are needing to be at any given moment.
@Melissa_Rae says:
Praying for you friend as you walk this path and discover the plans of God ahead of you. He’s working in you now and it might just be a time for quiet. We’ll be here checking in…
Praying for you friend. your thoughts are beauty-full, though they are probably really hard to write. you don’t need to look for a pretty bow.
I love you sweet Alece … whether you write or not, whether I hear from you in a while or not, whether you are tired or peppy, whether you are quiet or screaming loud, whether you are hurting or healing, whether you have the perfect do or hair standing straight out of your head or bald, and I could go on. You are on my heart and in my prayers. God is faithful and oh, what beauty He is making of your ashes! Believe it.
We don’t mind just sitting with you quietly while you gather your thoughts….
You were missed during your writing absence. and He does do His best work when we think He isn’t working. so you are on the right track keep going…
Because ultimately it shouldn’t matter that I’ve lost me, as long as I’m finding Him. In fact, I think that might actually be the whole point.
This gave me chills. This is a really, really good point.
I might be forced to quote you. ;o)
I don’t consider myself a writer either. I’m a talker whose been encouraged to write down what I would normally just say. God has a great sense of humor in publishing me that’s for sure! I was never comfortable with writing but am a chronic journaler so the words just spill out and I hope someone can get something out of them.
You are amazing. Even your writing about your inability to write is beautiful. God’s hand is on you so relax and let him fill you like a an empty, flailing puppet. The words will come.
Praying for you!
Alece,
I have been meaning to write you a comment all week. I am glad you are writing again, and I know that God has uses this post to encourage those who read it.
“I’m simply beyond repair. As I type those words, I hear His whisper: That’s when I do My best work. And though my head believes that, my heart doesn’t. Not really.I won’t come to a place of full surrender until I want Him even more than I want myself back.”
Amazing..I started to tear up when i first read this.
Praying for you friend…
Bindu
And that, my dear, is why you are a writer.
Love your words. Or lack of them :)
Sweet Alece, you write, therefore you’re a writer!
Don’t worry if you’re not in a writing place right now. The words will come when you’re ready. Until then, rest and let yourself be replenished.
Love to you. x
@JewelzSightings says:
I’m there too… no words… not much to say… makes me really sad. I LOVE putting words down. It is one of the great desires of my heart. I want to feel the stirring again to write freely… but here I sit… waiting…..
I understand your words!
@larainec says:
I know how you feel….there are weeks where i can look at a tomato and think of 100 things to do with it, then there are weeks i look at a whole walk-in frig of ingredients and cant think of a single thing to cook! but even when i dont know what im gonna cook, it usually turns out really good and people think thats what i originally intended.
I think you did a pretty good job of writing how you have nothing to write about….i would have just said “i got nothing” but you made a whole page out of it….so are a writer :0) and a good one. when i read your posts, i could keep reading. its like those movies that are so long but you dont want them to end cause you’re so wrapped up in the life of the character…thats how it is when you write!
So enjoy reading your stories even if you have nothing to say.
Love you!
So flipping late to comment here (just playing catch-up with my blog reader, agh)!
Reading what you feel you’re struggling with just reminded me of a bible verse (yes, I’m one of those annoying bible quoting friends..sorry!) : Romans 8:26 – “So too the Holy Spirit comes to our aid and bears us up in our weakness; for we do not know what prayer to offer nor how to offer it worthily as we ought, but the Spirit Himself goes to meet our supplication and pleads in our behalf with unspeakable yearnings and groanings too deep for utterance.”
All I can say is: let that groaning take place, and allow yourself that room. We don’t have words all the time, and that’s ok. In fact, I don’t think I’m doing a terribly good job of it right now, but I hope you know my heart for you, sweet Alece.
I love how God doesn’t expect that we’ll have it all sorted out. He doesn’t put pressure on you to know what to say, so don’t do it to yourself. He knows your unspeakables. That’s why the Holy Spirit speaks for you. And trust me, love, He speaks VOLUMES for you, and through you, be assured of that. And bit by bit, He’ll maybe repair the leak. Unless, of course, He knows that leaking hearts are the best kind. Just maybe.