it’s not all his fault
My marriage was always hard.
Our relationship was challenging right from the beginning. We fought. A lot. I always chalked it up to the fact that we were a cross-cultural couple. And we pioneered a ministry together from the ground up. And we worked side-by-side every single day.
It was harder than I ever imagined it would be.
While I’m learning to only own what’s mine to own, I just need you to know: I have plenty to own.
I can be extremely impatient and easily frustrated. I made Niel feel small with my critical words. I could be downright mean at times.
I didn’t communicate well. I see-sawed between bottling up and exploding. I didn’t always let him into the deepest parts of my heart. I didn’t often share my most honest thoughts.
I see now that I was seeking to find my happiness and value in my husband, instead of in God. And that contributed largely to the downward spiral of problems in our relationship.
The breakdown of my marriage extends further, deeper, than Niel’s affair. I grew lazy, complacent, and selfish, and stopped putting in the effort my marriage needed and deserved. The effort my husband deserved.
Staring my sin in the face wrecked me. It left me broken before the Lord, desperate for His forgiveness and grace. It also left me broken before my husband. I wept in repentance as I apologized to him. Repeatedly.
I believed that despite all our failures, our marriage was still worth saving. It would take a lot of work, but so does anything we’re passionate about. I knew restoration was possible and completely worth the effort. My heart broke when Niel disagreed.
As I began picking up the pieces of my life, I became more determined than ever to be open and teachable. I desire to live from a repentant heart. I want to be quick to see and own my sinfulness. And I’m committed to learn new ways of responding. New ways of living.
My beliefs determine my thoughts which impact my actions. So I’m starting at the beginning to change my foundational beliefs. My thinking and my actions will eventually follow.
It’s a slow-going, lifelong journey.
But one I know is so worth it.
Because, I’m beginning to see, I’m worth it.
@moweezle says:
you are worth it!!!
@ventigrace says:
I’m proud of you.
@dg4G says:
It is so worth the journey Alece. You are so worth it. The journey of change is painful, but SO worth it
After reading these posts, my knee-jerk reaction is to make a silly comment so that I can imagine you laughing at it. After THIS post, I immediately thought of the L’Oreal “Because You’re Worth It” campaign, and went on the search for a sound byte. What I ended up finding is not funny, but perfect, which is why I’m putting it here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=84SUfl8Yv4k
You are beautiful.
@atangie says:
You are right, Natalie. Perfect.
@cassgirl says:
Natalie ………….. PERFECT!
@gritandglory says:
my talia… i hug you!
@lynselstevens says:
You are so worth it. And I commend you for putting in the hard work.
Thank you for being so honest and owning up. Shows you have immense character.
@atangie says:
I knew this post was coming. I knew it and I have been trying to form how I would respond. In the best interest of not losing my Christianity I am going to zip the quip and cutting comments. Instead of the angry railing that is going on in my brain I am simply going to state:
You are so worth it. I am so proud of you. I love you.
Your story breaks my heart because you are a phenomenal woman who I respect and care for, and I hate that you are hurting. But your story breaks my heart, too, because I could be writing it. Not all of it. But the parts that pierce my soul – the parts about it not being all his fault, the parts about disappointments and sorrows – they are part of me, too. NOT to take away anything from YOUR story, Alece. I’m just saying I understand a tiny bit, and I cry for you and with you, my friend.
@cassgirl says:
Do you see the miracle in this?
You could be the scorned ministry wife who totally gives up and bashed her husband through all of this.
But instead
You took responsibily
You forgave
You confessed
You loved again
You taught
You are being healed
Not just a little healed but from the tips of your toes to the last strand of hair on your head.
Proud?? More than proud.
I am learning from you in the wake.
I love you so much!
@gritandglory says:
i’m gonna come back and read this a few more times today. thank you, fierce friend.
This warms my heart. Every marriage has two people involved. I can totally relate with what you’ve said. In our brokenness, healing can begin. It’s also easy to want results and growth right away! It’s refreshing to see someone who knows it’s not an easy road to be surrendered to Christ. It’s a life-long process.
Awesome words today. Love you
@coloraturajoy says:
i don’t know if i could do what you’re doing.
i’m the kind of person who loves to let the person who’s “more” in the wrong, take all the blame for it. at least in the big things.
it’s something i don’t like about myself, but it’s there. (not for long, i hope) :)
Alece… wow…. you are an amazing example… I can so learn from this, from you. The things you are learning and dealing with are so true and so profound. I feel like so many times in my life the Lord brings stuff to light in my life, like I totally know what you mean when you’re talking about not being a great communicator and getting frustrated, and I repent and try harder and ask the Lord for help. But it’s like the whole not crawling off the altar thing you were talking about the other day. It’s hard to remember and put things into practice to change, hard to stay a living sacrifice to the Lord. I don’t know if I’m making sense here… Anyway, all of this is hard but worth it. You are incredible. :)
~steph
Once again the echo of me in your words is radiating. I never knew that it wasn’t supposed to be that way, all angry and hurt all the time. I will whisper a secret to you though. I came to the place you are a couple of years ago. It has been hard work, rewiring me, but God has done some amazing things. And though I know it doesn’t always work this way, I will whisper this too. The man who now calls me “love” will tell you – people can change when they ask God to rework their hearts. I would have never dreamed nor wanted another man in my life when I was where you are, but somewhere in the re-wiring God changed that too. Before that man, who stole my heart, came some women who taught me about love and mercy. Women God used in that re-wiring of me. My life is better for it, I can say that now and not grimace too deeply. For all the pain, the hurt, the self-abuse, his abuse, all of that made me into THIS woman, and for that I am grateful.
Grace pouring over your life. God sees your future all laid out before Him – and your brokenness aligns you right up with His will for you. Redemption – restoration – healing.
@tamhodge says:
you are a dynamo of a woman!
ive learned the person who desperately wants healing and growth is also willing to expose their uglies and own up to them. take responsibility. probably the hardest to do in the whole process. but youve done this…and it speaks volumes of your character. i cant even describe the amount of respect i have for you, friend.
Alece…. I could say I am proud of you, but it wouldn’t carry the weight of what I want to say.
God is proud of you. I know it.
And I am flawed, too. Made a lot of poor, no – bad, decisions. Still need changing, growing. Welcome to the club.
“My beliefs determine my thoughts which impact my actions.”
such truth.
as i’m walking w/ you through this, with hugs, love and prayers. God’s speaking through you to me…a gentle whisper through statements such as these….
Thanks for sharing honestly & from your heart. It takes major guts to own up to your own faults, especially when it would be so easy in this case to point to someone else’s. People are learning from you, Alece. I know you’d probably trade that for a whole, restored marriage. But God is bringing good, just like he promises.
I glad that you are beginning to see what your 167 followers, and your God, already know, that you are worth it.
Did this feel good to write at all?
I love you, Beece!
I love this and I want to comment but Con is not letting me right now. But I will be back to add my two cents.
Beautiful honesty about the ugly truth. We’re all in need of grace.
Ok I have Con distracted with Cars. We will see how far I get. First off I so admire you for being SO honest with us! That is like almost crazy honest (hehe). Second I think we are very alike in our not so shining moments. The bottling up till it explodes and the down right meanness is me to a T. What I first thought to be the downfall of my own story was Dan pushing me away and being content to just coexist with me and never communicate on any deep level. This left me so hurt after after months of this. And ultimately unloved which lead to my looking for love in the way wrong place. I too was relying and putting pressure on dan for all the love and security I needed instead of allowing God to do that for us both. By the way I don’t think any one person can love you completely the way that Christ can and that is probably the first step to making a realtioship work. I can’t say I ever blamed dan for what I did but sometimes I felt if he had been more loving I would not have gone off like I did. Just a few months ago I realized that maybe it was me who started the whole thing in the first place. If I had been a more loving and honoring wife I really doubt if he would have closed himself off to me. I’m glad to say that I appolegised to dan and asked him to point out when I get a little crazy. Also I feel a huge burden lifted now that I have made my relationship with God a bigger priority. I know He is the only one who can and will love me the way I was made to be loved. Dans love is just the cherry on the top! I love you Alece, you are crazy (in a GREAT way!). It was really nice even though I didn’t blame Dan for anything he apoligised for the ways he felt he had not been the greatest husband. It just felt warm and loving that even through the hell I had put him through he was willing to share the responsibility and burden of relationship gone wrong. I hope Neil will one day value these words. I’m proud of you for working so thuroly through these issues. One verse I like to meditate on is Be slow to anger quick to love. That’s gotten me through some times that I have felt like blowing up over very small things. Love you! Keep up the healing. Happy Halloween and I’m 25 (yuck) tomorrow!
@gritandglory says:
i admire you for your honesty, faith. thank you for sharing your own heart, your own journey. that is no small thing!
i am proud of you. and i love you.
Now that I read that I hope I don’t come across the wrong way. I think my point is there are two imperfect people in a relationship and no matter our short comings and down falls it doesn’t give anyone a reason to bail out. Its all the more reason to work harder and pray. Ok I think I. Digging a hole here. I hope you get my point.
I think you’re awesome. I love you. The end.
Amen! So are so worth it!
Alece,
I want you to know that even though I hardly ever comment, I have been reading every post for quite some time and continue to pray for you and your ministry. I also want you to know that I keep coming back to read because every time, whether you are sharing your hurts, regrets, lessons learned, lessons being learned…my heart is directed back to God. I don’t know you, but because of your blog, I care about you. I wish I could give you a hug.
@gritandglory says:
“my heart is directed back to God” — that is so the prayer of my heart for the Grit.
thank you for your beautiful words, sarah.
@JewelzSightings says:
Alece, Thank you for your visit to my blog and your words….
You said, “I pray for this kind of heart connection with God. This kind of hunger and thirst for His righteousness, this kind of intimacy….. I prayed that prayer once…. I had no clue how to get there. But He heard and came after me.
He hears you too. He’s coming… I know it! For He roams throughout the earth looking for a heart that is longing to be fully His. The good news is that you don’t have to get yourself there. In fact you won’t be able to. The blessedness of that is that it’s up to Him… and He loves healing the broken-hearted and setting the captive free. It’s what Jesus came for.
So hang on, dear one… He’s coming!
PS. I live between Kennesaw & Blue Ridge in Ellijay. I moved here almost 3 years ago from Kennesaw! Who knows maybe we’ll meet in person one day.
I told you before that your marriage was an example to me, remember. When this all came out you told me, “sorry I know you looked up to us” I just wanted to say that I still do,not the same of course…but better/differently. I love learning from you. Your transparency and honesty, the way you except your blame and not the burden of his sin,.. the leasons learned. I am learning a great deal from your story. Thank you for giving me that oppertunity. Fo real.
Iloveyou!
@gritandglory says:
tears are streaming down my face. thank you, my amy joy. thank you…
Alece,
First off, I want to say how amazing it is to read this post. It takes a lot of integrity to admit ownership of fault of any kind. It’s admirable. You’re a blessing to everyone who reads your blog!! All your posts have really touched my heart in some way.. but this post especially hit me like a ton of bricks. I cried and felt the need for my own repentance. Thank you for this. And as always, I am praying for you.
If I lived near I would come bring you a chai latte in a red cup right now.
Though the sorrow may last through the night, joy comes with the morning.
I write this truth for you, but it’s one I need to lean on too.
Happy Saturday Alece.
Awe-inspiring.
Thank you!
Mercedes
http://www.ransom33.wordpress.com
wow.
I agree with ric….wow. And if you could hear your little Peaberry say that right now… you would laugh out loud, because it is sooo cute! Keep it up, friend. It is so evident that God is moving…
@chrystieecole says:
This is my favorite of all of the posts. I love that you took ownership of the role you played. I love that you admitted it publicly. I love that rather than succombing to the mentality of a victim, you chose to draw nearer to God and address your foundational beliefs. I recognize myself in your confession. I am guilty of those things as well. I love that you allowed the rest of us to see this. And because of your transparency and authenticity and honesty, I love you even more.
You’ve got mail.
@chuckazooloo says:
“I grew lazy, complacent, and selfish, and stopped putting in the effort my marriage needed and deserved. The effort my husband deserved.”
crazy that you could be writing my story as well as your own. I’m still blaming myself for her stuff. i’m trying to “own what i own” but it’s hard. part of me thinks if i had worked harder, if only i had been more emotionally present. if i hadn’t left school work. if we hadn’t moved so much. so many what if’s? Thanks again Alece for being transparent.
@ErinSzczerba says:
Wowww, Alece. Our stories are very similar. And our marriages had a lot in common. I’ve been divorced over 4 years and I am deathly afraid that I will be critical and impatient with my husband if I ever marry again. That, despite lots of hard work in counseling and surrender. Oy.