i’m that insecure
I can’t help but wonder if I’m the only one who struggles with this—or maybe it’s just that I hope I’m not—so I figured I’d blog it out. Fingers crossed that many of you someone can relate.
I love networking. Although, honestly, I hate that word. Sounds so business-y. And professional. So let me rephrase.
I love connecting people with other like-hearted people.
I’m energized seeing new friendships and ministry partnerships flourish. It’s incredible to watch those I love, value, and enjoy get to know others I love, value, and enjoy. There’s something wildly exciting about it.
But, at times, there’s also something very scary about it.
If I’m being most honest, I often feel threatened when I introduce friends to each other.
I think immature, stupid things like,
“I hate feeling left out…”
“She’s probably gonna end up liking her more than she likes me.”
“What if they get really close and cut me out entirely?”
Yes. I’m that insecure.
Without even being conscious of it, it causes a flare-up of fear somewhere deep inside me: I’m easily replaceable. I’m more leavable than lovable. I’m not enough.
I don’t really know how to combat that except to continue to connect people anyway. What do I always say? I do it afraid? Yeah, I guess that applies here. I do it afraid.
But I don’t want to be afraid anymore.
I don’t want to live shackled to that insecurity. I want to walk confidently and securely, rooted in who I am. Or rather, rooted in who He is.
So I’m working on renewing my mind and replacing the lies with His truth. And with the power of public confession, I’m exposing the darkness in my heart, letting His light illuminate and transform it in the way only He can.
And now the hard part of real change begins.
Because saying “I’m working on it” isn’t enough. I’ve got to actually do something about it.
Gulp.
@hannahruthie says:
This has been overwhelming my heart lately. I am so afraid that I’ll get left out, because it’s happened before. But I think God has more for us if we let him give it to us instead of being so afraid.
I want to be reminded that God is purposeful and that my relationships are there for a purpose… And they can also be in my life for reasons that will lead to a purpose in someone else’s life. We are all in the great web-connection of God and he weaves us together, purposefully and intricately. And sometimes, maybe it is our purpose to know someone in order for them to know someone else that we know so that God can work in their relationship.
I think God likes to work like that. It’s why he created us to be one body, not many.
@pa3cia says:
i heartchu my friend.
@bajanpoet says:
Because saying “I’m working on it” isn’t enough. I’ve got to actually do something about it.
I feel you there.
So I’m working on renewing my mind and replacing the lies with His truth. And with the power of public confession, I’m exposing the darkness in my heart, letting His light illuminate and transform it in the way only He can.
Thank you for saying what i’m feeling…
Thank you … .I can’t articulate what this post does for me. Just Thank YOU….
@chrystieecole says:
Good morning, sweet friend! Great post…and trust me, you are not alone! I am convinced that the answer to that is being rooted in Him. But how to do that consistently…I am afraid I don’t know. But, if and when, you figure that out…maybe you can let the rest of us know ;-) Love you.
@moweezle says:
We all have our insecurities! One of mine is also rejection…from which scars still abound. We will get through this battle together my dear! :) Much love!!!
@atangie says:
How can I best help you with this, Alece? Seriously, what can I do to be active with you?
It might help you to know that through this gritty and glorious blog you write I have met many wonderful people and I now read their blogs too. Even if hell froze over and you never once posted another mouth watering morsel of bloggy goodness I would still be your friend.
I love you, Alece!
@bajanpoet says:
you’ve written my heart hear, Angie …. really!
I LOVE YOU ALECE!
Ang, you are the cat’s pajamas.
@bajanpoet says:
What the heck does that mean? LOLOOL I’m sure we Bajans have weird sayings too… but I sure have never heard THAT one before! LOL
@kedamak says:
Totally there! Totally can relate! Had some of those very same thoughts when we met up in DC. I’m that insecure too but also trying to do something about it. Thanks for sharing your heart so openly. Love ya!
@traceepersiko says:
I so get this. Grr!! I love people so much, but lots of my fears and securities come out of that same love. I feel the fear of people finding the better. i fear being a meantime friend for people. i hate those fears. i hate feeling anxious about friendships and risking. But i want to love well and deep.
I freaking love your heart. Thank you for risking in the midst of your insecurities. You are so great at providing a space and freedom for people to exhale in their insecurities.
I think similar thoughts. I catch myself feeling jealous when some friends spend time with other friends, wondering if they like each other better than they like me/us. It’s this people-pleasing weakness I have. And you’re right, it’s a lie that we have to battle with truth every day. God loves me for me, not for what I do or who I know or how popular I am. He loves me when I’m ugly and mean and selfish. When I can rest in that, I can mute those lies and celebrate friendships and connections around me. :)
Thanks for sharing your heart, friend. I just finished reading Beth Moore’s book, “So Long Insecuirty (You’ve Been a Bad Friend to Us)” and it was wonderful. I would not have thought of myself as insecure but then I dug through that and realized insecurity was at the root of some of the things I do/say/feel. It has great application and I think it would encourage your heart. Love…
I often feel like I’m not enough. Or not good enough. I also feel fat and ugly more often than not (though I’m told much to the contrary—-but then I question how truthful those people are. Snort.
I’m so glad for mercy and grace, because, with them, I am enough.
I can absolutely relate to this. I tend to have multiple individual friendships, but I don’t do well with groups. I’m afraid of being odd man out…of not having something to contribute to the conversations. So insecure I have been in my life. I’m getting better. I’m stepping out. But, you are definitely not alone, Alece. Not alone at all.
oh my gosh – I think we were separated at birth :) I’ve never had anyone put into words the fears I’ve felt for SO long. You are right – it does go back to that “I’m not enough” lie. But still… grrr… will this lie ever leave our brains!
I was watching the Bachelorette last night – watching Ali. Admiring how her care-free confidence just lit up a room. How she was so comfortable in her own skin. I want that… I want to feel 100% confident w/who I am in any situation. Enough to be confident to be silly or goofy, to be more transparent and vulnerable. But alas… not there yet.
I so relate to this post friend… and SO admire your courage for talking about it here :)
I can TOTALLY relate. Been there…and, unfortunately still do it. But, I’m learning a little more each day what it means to think the TRUTH about who I am in Christ, and more importantly, who HE is. Slowly but surely, that grace to understand that truth and apply it is revamping the way I look at life. Thank you for sharing your heart!
First of all, I don’t think you’re leavable at all. I’ve only gotten to spend an afternoon with you, but let me tell you, I didn’t want to leave that day! And when I’m here, on your blog, I don’t want to leave. So, again, you are SO not leavable. The opposite, in fact!
Second of all, ugh. I totally understand. I was just feeling this way over the weekend when my best friend told me she’d been hanging out with another good friend of ours lately. All of a sudden, I thought, “Well, fine! Hang out with her then! Like her better! See if I care!”
Seriously. I’m that way, too. :(
I so needed to read this today, Alece. I’m that insecure too. My worries plague me and at times prevent me from fulling living with Christ in my heart. I worry that I won’t be liked. I worry that my presence is merely tolerated and not actually wanted. I worry that I don’t think like everyone else and that people might not think me smart. I worry that I’m not profound enough to make a difference.
Patience is the biggest thing that I am learning. To let Jesus take control of my thoughts and actions and guide my heart towards God’s ultimate plan.
@bahava says:
oh my heart….yep, too I find it saying those words, having those feelings, listening to the lies especially when it comes to relationships with friends because of the old hurts. especially when it’s a hearing about it later or seeing pictures on fb or halfway being invited because you happen to kind of hear something. but then often i realize that it’s usually not them trying to be hurtful–it’s the fact that sometimes they know me well enough to know that i wouldn’t like what they were doing together or that they connect better on a one to one basis and they’re carving out that time–i know i do this with friends.
either way, like you said, it’s remembering who I am and that my worth and value come from being in Him because then all else is just an overflow. and slowly my heart is learning this and every once in a while i’ll respond to a situation that afterward i’ll see that….oh! He is transforming my heart and i am replacing those lies with truth. slowly.
I SO get this Alece!
I have so much of that going on in my head a lot of the time.
You are amazing. I LOVE your blog. thank you for writing about this today, and sharing your processes and journey and your fears and how you are growing.
It’s like Internet discipleship for me so much of the time! Honestly.
Praying for you!
:-)
girl, me too.
what did you tell me a few weeks ago?? you could hear the shackles coming off?
i think i hear yours, too.
I think everyone has those thoughts at one time or another.
In the business of making a new batch of friends every few years, I often wonder all of those things. When we move to a new place and you feel like you’re intruding on friendships already made…. or when you help someone else out by including them b/c they need those connections in a new place. Those insecurities….. Satan uses them so well to get at our hearts and prevent those connections from flourishing.
My biggest problem, or insecurity, is not trusting people… even friends….very much. I always wonder if they really like me as much as they say they do, if they can be trusted as my friend, and if then…. how much can I trust them. You can tell where I’ve been burned huh?? It still stings, and it never ends…. but God is using that in me to teach me to Love anyway, and trust Him instead. *sigh* It’s hard.
I love you!
@aeg0707 says:
Preach it, sister.
I like to think we harbor these thoughts because we’re women. But that’s too easy and let’s the evil one off the hook. I harbor thoughts of insecurity because I don’t believe I am enough. Or worse, that I am not worth the blood of the cross.
One of my precious friends calls me out one this often. “AE, the devil IS a lie,” she reminds me.
And he is. A lie. All that he speaks, persuades, and holds.
Honestly? As I first read this post, my heart went out to you….but I also thought, “No. I really don’t have that insecurity.” And I don’t. I think it comes from moving all the time as a kid and seeing ‘seasons of life’ and having had business partners that fit (and then later didn’t).
But then I thought of other insecurities. Because boy! I have them! (I don’t write well enough. My blog isn’t as cool/good/popular as others — like yours. ;-) I used to have a business and a fairly large following and things aren’t going ‘as fast’ as I’d like and I turn that into ‘I’m not good enough’. sigh) I’m not a good enough teacher. I’m not a good enough….whatever.
Someone mentioned weight. I have that one too (but for me, realize than when I’m feeling that way, it’s generally a signal that I need to get back to the workout routine ;-) ).
So yeah. I’ll just say that God created you, loves you, He’ll give you strength and dignity. And that personally, from what I know so far, I think you’re awesome — and I’d hang out with you! ;-)
But when I hit those moments, getting deep in HIs presence and love — and putting my mind on what I can do for others and finding some place to be of service right at that very moment — tends to help me. For whatever that’s worth. ;-)
Love!
deb
yup, can relate….
had a hurtful experience in high school where i got replaced by someone else.
this has caused me to be more aware of not doing it to someone else.
@maryjohess says:
Yeah.
I know what you mean.
Every time I hook up with new people on Twitter or Facebook, then I become instantly afraid that they’ll end up liking someone else better than me or that I’ll never have that kind of connection with them that they may have with someone else.
It’s insane.
But real.
Exposing it to the Light is the only way to go.
God can only heal what we admit to, ya know?
So I’m thankful that you are admitting it because it gives me the courage to admit it too.
xxx M.
@coloraturajoy says:
Yes. I can so be this way. It’s an odd insecurity for me, and I hope I can put in a way that actually makes sense without skewing what I really mean:
It’s not that I’m insecure in what I have to offer, as much as I am insecure in whether or not those around me will really see all I have to offer. Sometimes I really deal with believing that people care for me for the long-term…
I’ve been a lurker here for months. I found you through my cousin, Anna, and have been so many times heart-touched by the things you have said. Shoot, I’ve even forwarded some of your posts over to my sister, whom you remind me of, so much!
I decided to finally comment only because I can SO relate to what you wrote today! And…well, to let you know that your openness and perspective make me cry almost every time I read you. I appreciate that about you, and I don’t even know you! So, thank you, for doing afraid. And for making it okay for others to do it too.
@PrudyChick says:
Honey, you may as well just be describing me.
Here are the thoughts that flooded my brain right before we me:
What if she doesn’t like me?
What if she’s only pretending to like me?
What if she likes me online but doesn’t like me in real life?
other thoughts I struggle with (not pertaining to you):
Do people only like me cause the have to?
Are people seeking to make a fool of me?
I find it interesting and troubling of what we all have in common here: Insecurity.
Also, as believers we have another thing in common: Security.
Not in who I say I am, but who He says I am. Big difference, I think.
I’m not saying that changes overnight, because there’s a lot of things in our world that bring on this sort of rabid insecurity with one’s self. I’m certainly not immune to it.
I’ve been insecure my whole life, and a believer for 16 years of it. Yet, the insecurity in my life seems to intensify, and the love for Christ I once had feels substantially diminished sometimes. Think we’re in a battle? I sure think so…feels like I’m losing it most days.
Thankful today that I already know who wins…
Praying for all who’ve commented so far.
All this to say: I can totally relate, and I really would like to see things changing!
Absolutely love what you said here Josh! There is comfort in knowing none of us are alone in our struggles. Of course, we wouldn’t be regardless if we try to keep in the forefront of our minds that God is always with us.
I love how much you love to connect like-hearted people together and even more….I love that you keep. on. doing. it. despite the insecurities!! It’s like the joy you have doing this jumped out of your words (that’s how this post spoke to me, anyways).
Shoot, if I hear people laugh in a group, I still assume it’s about me. I am happy to say that that seems to be less the case anymore. I want to be zapped by God to be ta-dah! completely freed of all of this stuff, but the truth is, it seems that the way to stay on the path of freedom is by what you said, to just continually stay on top of replacing the lies with the TRUTH and be like, “NO! I recognize that lie right now for what it is!!” and boom, putting up the truth against it like an eviction notice or something. It’s like from the Wizard of Oz, where Glinda the Good Witch just laughs at the Wicked Witch’s threats and says, “Be off, before a house drops on you, too!” The key seems to be to just stay on top of these things and call ‘em as they are (speaking to myself here, too, for sure).
I think so much of life goes back to whatever we dealt with growing up, and the doors that got opened up back then that need to be prayed over and shut tight. There’s a good book by John Paul Jackson about rejection that I liked. I think it’s one of Satan’s favorite tools, rejection is.
BUT GOD.
Steph and I were talking about this just yesterday! And … I don’t know how to answer. Is it a head question or a heart question? I think heart. So a head answer won’t work. Just know that there is an Amazingness named Love who truly thoroughly completely loves you for exactly who you are (even when you may not really know or understand who you are), and you are absolutely un-budge-able from his big, cozy, fluffy lap. I wish for you that your heart would feel this. Just one drop of that Amazing Love … just one drop … to feel it, really feel it … from the inside out. Where your heart really feels it, and your head can be given a break from the work of just trying constantly to convince your heart of what it doesn’t know how to feel. That is sheer exhaustion. How to cross over? How to feel the Love that you know exists? How to eradicate the confusion and not just survive on a morsel of thought, but live with a belly full of knowing? That is the real question. I wish there was an answer I could give. Just know that insecure people are lovable too, my friend. And I’m in your corner …
@bajanpoet says:
What she said :)
Great comment, little sister!
o honey, you are so not alone in that. i really thought I was the only one who felt this way!! glad to know i’m not alone, but sorry you feel this way too.
be active! overcome! God is with you so you can do this!!
alece. . .i am SO with you. . .a few months back i read a book that really helped heal me of my insecurity. . .”So Long Insecurity” by beth moore. i still struggle everyday, but i feel like the Lord has given me a lot of healing in this area. i will be praying the same for you — i have thought of you often today for some reason. please know i am praying for you!!
@jclayville says:
oh lovey. i think those thoughts too.
it’s only because i feel like i have so much more to lose now. no one likes getting left out and no one ever wants to be replaced. good thing you are irreplaceable. at least in my life. :)
you have job security here, sistah!
@kamriereed says:
I have never really struggled with that fear until now. One of my best friends has done this exact thing. I am learning that sometimes people are jerks. At the same time this should never stop me from connecting, loving, and forming new relationships. It is hard to continue to connect anyways but then again sometimes life is risky and hurts.
@nateonamission says:
happens to me all the time. I’m on both ends of the spectrum here. It’s beyond weird. Because I live my life as an extrovert, I am constantly making friends. I know that for some of my friends it’s frustrating to hang out with me in public places, because … I know everyone. I run into people everywhere. I can quickly make friends on the net in no time at all. I know that at times I am hated for that. Why can’t he just keep the friends he’s got? right? People don’t like me because of my social skills, but what they don’t see is that I feel the same way as them. It all comes down to the fact that I’m just as scared as an introvert about losing all of my friends. I’m scared that I’m “not enough”. You wouldn’t believe, it comes down to the pettiest of things. I think it’s pretty sad. I have a lot of self worth issues. I’m very protective of my friends. It’s gross. I just love to love people and by doing that I will love God!
You’re definitely not alone.
Totally on the same wavelength with you. Yes, men struggle with this too.
I’ve thought those very same things at times. I hate feeling like I could be shoved to the side in favor of someone else nicer looking, thinner, more educated, more “spiritual,” with a non-receding hairline, less goofy, etc. Would this be life-threatening? Of course not, but it does leave me feeling inadequate, flawed, unworthy.
As I mentioned a few days ago, I find myself trying to overcompensate (act more funny, or sound more knowledgeable) or over-involve myself where I may not be welcome. Neither is ultimately very wise.
Part of all this is learning what allowing Christ to live through us looks like and being who He called us to be, cutting through the lies and seeing the truth.
Sweets, you’re one in a million. Completely irreplaceable. Beautiful. Unique. Loved.
I think, though, that we all deal with feeling less than and easily changed out…especially when you’ve travelled certain roads of pain, loss, betrayal, and rejection.
I’m praying your heart feels whole tonight and you know, in every moment, how loved and treasured you are…hugs, sweet girl. I’m sending my love your way tonight.
@mat2820b says:
You know, I’m convinced we would get along great. :) In the words of my 4 yr old… “My like you”.
I’m so afraid of letting people close. I wrote about it on Jenni’s post the other day. I’m working on it too… by doing something about it :)
Let me know how you go :)
Great post.
I agree! I love introducing people, connecting people. I feel the same – they will like each other more than they like me. And frankly, sometimes they will!
SImilarly, the one that shows my real insecurities, is when I have a boyfriend, and am scared of introducing him to friends because he’ll like them more than he likes me, and leave me. But the cramped life I live if I don’t introduce them is worse. And maybe I should be happy – if they like each other more than the like me… they’re better suited….
I’m wondering, as I get older, if it isn’t better just to face this fear. Because there will always be people nicer, smarter, prettier, richer, faster, taller, thinner….
Wow…..wow…… I didn’t get a chance to read this yesterday but when I did today…. wow. I struggle with this A LOT! Especially in groups. I’ve always been better at one on one but even then I’m always wondering if I’m enough. I’ve had a few close friends over the years but only a couple still remain and often times I wonder why. In large groups I tend to fade into the background. Someone else can always say it better than me, is funnier than me, and just all around cooler than me ;) I guess Im still a work in progress…. Thank for giving me thoughts to ponder today….. Love you friend
@LindseyHartz says:
It is hard~ this whole relationship with others.
What I know for now is that God has me in a season (a REALLY LONG hard season) of being alone when it comes to relationships that are the deep blessed community I long for.
What I also know is that it is for my own good. My past tendency has been to try and please everyone by constantly shifting who I am to meet what they need or want from me.
No more. The sweet and painful time alone has taught me SO MUCH about God’s love for me; how badly He desires all my heart; how beautiful and precious I am in His sight; how I just need to be who He made me to be, not what others expect.
I wish I could say that I don’t still struggle with insecurity~ but that is not true. I do, however have a lot different perspective on myself and my worth in Christ, which helps to ease the sting of rejection and cool the blushed face of one who doesn’t ever quite feel like I fit in.
Thank you as always for your honesty here. So humbled to share a little piece of your journey.
I know exactly how you feel. Satan was just attacking me in that area AGAIN this last couple of weeks. Ugh! It’s an area where he has always attacked me. And, I am plowing through with truth, too. I think it comes down to significance for me. Do I really matter? Isn’t that crazy?
You are precious and special to me and I am honored that you plowed through and we connected and I’ve met others through you, too. What a treasure you are! I love how completely real you are …
@danielleH says:
yep…
you’re not the only one.
@tamhodge says:
wow. yet another reason why i aspire to be more and more like you.
you. are. real.