i’m still not sure about this one
I meet new people all the time.
And there’s often a point in the conversation that goes something like this:
OPTION A
Them: Where are you from?
Me: New York.
Them: How’d you end up in Atlanta?
Me: Well…
OPTION B
Them: What do you do?
Me: I’m the founder of a ministry in Africa.
Them: Oh wow. What are you doing in Atlanta?
Me: Well…
OPTION C
A variation of A or B.
And then I have to try to follow the “Well…” with some sort of explanation.
It’s got me thinking about the words I use to sum up my current life situation.
I’m short and sweet and to the point. I certainly don’t unload my two-and-a-half-year heartache on them.
I don’t answer with bitterness or anger or resentment. There is sadness in my words, for sure. There’s grief in my eyes.
And I simply state the facts.
But now I’m wondering if I still say more than I actually should.
My six-sentence answer usually includes:
- I’ve been married for 9 years.
- My husband and I ran a ministry in Africa.
- He had an affair.
- He decided he wants a divorce.
- I’m living in Georgia for a season of restoration.
- I’ll be going back to Africa.
And all of that is true.
But I wonder if I’m hiding behind #s 3 and 4. Because I feel like I have to mention the affair and point out that he left me.
But I wonder what my motive is.
My unconscious thought in that moment is that simply saying I’m going through a divorce leaves the question of why. And they might think I cheated. Or assume I’m the one who chose to leave.
So I seemingly take on a defensive position right from the get-go. I fight to maintain my image right from the start.
And maybe I shouldn’t.
Isn’t that just plain ol’ ugly arrogance? Or at the very least, insecurity?
The fact that I am the head of a ministry adds to the complexity of this for me. I don’t want people to wonder who left who when I’m asking them to trust me to lead Thrive.
But maybe I need to let truth speak for itself.
And let God defend me.
Right from the get-go.
I don’t know. I’m still trying to figure this one out.
@coloraturajoy says:
oh man.
that’s so hard.
i see what you mean, but if i were in your shoes i don’t know if i could (very easily) bring myself to not specify who left who… that’s a tough one, even though i know God is my defender…
Isaac gave me some great advice as I was going through my rough season and that was “you don’t owe anyone an explanation.” And that’s something that I had to keep reminding myself because when anyone would ask I felt the need to explain.
Also, I HATE seeing you go through this, but I LOVE seeing God at work in you. He’s doing what He does best, redeeming and restoring. You have a beautiful heart and a beautiful story.
@atangie says:
Here is a quote for you about defending ourselves:
“Critics will criticize no matter what and your friends will stand by you no matter what. Therefore, defending yourself is futile.”
Also, so you know, it is very normal for missionaries working with a mission organization to take a mandatory furlough home assignment. The average is one year for every four years. According to that model you are long overdue for a long furlough. You could take that approach when meeting people for the first time. Sometimes the best defence is a slammin´offense. Direct their attention to the positive.
alece –
your story is sacred. only share what you want to.
i learned much about this from reading “to be told” by dan allender – how we write our own story with god’s help.
Alece, I do this too. My current location is NOT where I’d like to be, and it’s because of *someone else*—yet I CHOSE to obey… so really, it’s because of me, too. But, I always feel the need to be like, well I don’t want to be here…I’m just here because of ‘Person X’. My ultimate goal is to be ______________, but ‘Person X’ is holding me back.
No! No! No! I am (far too often begrudgingly) following the command of my God. I am walking in His way, and bringing honor to someone else. HE is my vindication and reward….
(does that even make sense?!)
Anyway, I GET where you’re at… I’m there, and I’m struggling. BUT! We serve the God who will make the justice of our cause SHINE like the noonday sun (Psalm 37).
Tell people you’re in Georgia for networking, ministry enhancement training (your healing=enhanced ministry), and furlough (isn’t that what missionaries get?). Or just say something like, I really missed my bikini waxer and was feeling a bit hairy in SA. :P
Wow. That’s a rough question. It’s says something about your heart for God that you’re even willing to face the question.
I don’t think I’d know what the answer is either, but I’m sure God will show it to you! (((((hugs)))))
Gosh, not the same but I know those type of conversations. It is awkward. There is a difference between explaining when someone asks and justifying. I think. Motive may be the difference betweent the two.
Being straight forward has been the best solution for me even though I still get a knot in my throat and need to take a deep breath before responding sometimes. You are not in charge of other’s reactions.
If you gain any more insight into this, I’d love to hear it.
You know, I was thinking about what a breach of trust this whole mess has been, not just of your trust but of all of your donors who gave in good faith that everyone was acting above board.
It seems to me that the everyday joe doesn’t need to know all the gritty details of your life more than to know you are on a furlough.
However, people who are invested in Thrive and stand behind it need to know that you are acting in a way that uses their money wisely and for God’s purposes. There is a need for ministries like this to act in a way that is totally transparent. Unfortunately, you have been put in a position that warrants some personal exposure. So, while it is necessary to talk about the past, I think it is crucial to be cognizant of the fact that neither you nor God would have chosen this and that it is a tragedy. However, we also know that God is victorious and that all the failings of the current age will be redeemed. So, it is right to be mournful of the current situation, but it is equally right to be hopeful of the way God will use it for good.
Ditto – perfectly stated with compassion, understanding, thoughtfulness! I would’ve said exactly this if I had got here first. Only with more attitude. This is better. Not that it’s a competition or anything….. ;D
…I’m with Jon… words full of wisdom right there…
@Nomadstacey says:
This makes me re-think your post on authenticity. It’s a tough place to be. How do you be honest and authentic but also guard your heart? I’ll be praying for discernment for you.
Alece…great, great post. Thanks for always being so honest and challenging us to do the same!
I like Angie’s response. It’s certainly true that most missionaries are required to take furlough 1 year for every 4 they are gone (at least that’s the way it works for S. Bapt.). That’s an easy answer to a casual conversation question. furlough is a time for rest, reflection, regrouping, restoration (of whatever), and gaining/retaining support. When you get to know someone more you can share more. This isn’t a means of being dishonest or even skirting the issue. I see it more as a matter of holding close those things that don’t need to be on public display. Then when you have reason or need to share, the rest of the story can be told as you choose, to whom you choose. I think you’re past the point of blurting out the story because it’s so fresh/new/raw that you can’t help yourself. Now is time to (continue) to be discerning about who and how much you tell. Most people you meet probably aren’t going to go home and google you. I don’t think most people are creeper/stalker types (as my daughter accuses me of on FB!).Like Greg says, “You don’t have to tell everything you know.” Whatever. This doesn’t make you any less real or authentic. Maybe some will be able to sense that there’smore to the story, but when and how much you share is your choice and no one else’s.
And like Katie, I think it reveals so much of who you are, of your heart, of your integrity, that you even RISK asking this question. It’s so clear, so evident that He is working in you, and better (OK, maybe not better, but certainly notable!) that you are allowing Him to do His work in you. He is your justification.He will redeem the years the locusts have eaten. He makes all things new. Nothing wasted. Perfect wholeness. Shalom.
Hugs from (Blizzard Country)VA!
I really understand your desire to not want to be misunderstood, or to explain. I’m the same way. I think your response is fine.
But to kind of piggyback on a previous post, maybe people aren’t really looking for any kind of serious response to their question of what brought you to Atlanta, you know? Kind of like the answer to the “How are you?” question – do people *really* want to know? In those cases, maybe you could just be really vague and say something like, “I’m just taking some time here. So, how are things with you?” Not to make people feel stupid, but also to set a boundary. It’s amazing how people love to get the conversation back on themselves.
As others have said, you don’t owe anyone an explanation of why you’re there. It’s perfectly fine for you to determine the level of sharing. If you feel like sharing more than a vague answer with that person, then I think your answer says what it needs to say. If you’re fearing people’s rejection or judgment about the “D” word (like you shared in a previous blog post), don’t. God (and those that know you) know the truth, that’s all that matters.
I once asked a woman I’d just met about her husband, and she told me he’d recently been killed in Iraq. You know that was a question I wish I hadn’t asked. I can’t imagine the pain of having to repeat that answer, over and over.
Remember when I sent you that email about our situation? I told way more than was necessary, and still left out so much of what I could have shared. We share because we hope to be understood. And yet, we really never will be on this side of eternity. People will always make judgments, even with all the information given. We just don’t see things from others’ viewpoints.
I like what @ngie said (it was what our lawyer told us the first day we met…and what we learned to be true):
Critics will criticize no matter what and your friends will stand by you no matter what. Therefore, defending yourself is futile.
I like the way King David and Paul put it: Entrust your soul to a faithful God.
@hannahruthie says:
I agree with the “critics will criticize” statement. I also think many Christians (myself included) forget that missionaries, pastors, counselors, mentors are human. We put them on a pedestal, sometimes expecting them to be as divine as the Jesus that they preach. We are all broken people. We have to be so that God can fix us. Some people just don’t understand that yet.
This feels like an incomplete thought, like I should explain what I mean by that, but I’m not sure I can expand on this thought that feels completed in my head, though my heart wants to say more. *sigh* You are amazing, and God loves the missionary-who-is-getting-a-divorce. Nothing can change that. Other people’s judgments don’t change that.
We all do this. “impression management.” Edit details to paint the picture of ourselves we want others to see, to know. I am not sure there is anything wrong with the action? It’s the motive that we have to watch? And the authenticity?
But those statements are accurate. They are yours to share if you want to share them.
Alece –
If you recall we are in the same situation re: our marriages. At first I had the tendency to want to defend myself and let people know that we were divorced and that there was someone else in my (ex)wife’s life. But I realized that it was indeed defensiveness that was driving it, and subconsciously also the desire to influence someone’s judgment of the situation. So I helped other people see me as the one who was wronged and to see her as the bad guy, which I know now was not how God wanted me to handle the situation.
Now, I simply say that Lisa and I are no longer together, and leave it at that. I am choosing to cover whatever sin of hers might otherwise be shared and used in judgment against her. I have given up my “right” for sympathy, and there has been a peace that has accompanied that. You’ve talked about the “sin totem pole” that we all have a tendency to use in our defense. It does double-duty as a trust meter, for better or for worse.
What Michelle said.
I think your list of facts is cool. I would not over-self-analyze. You’re communicating that you’re wounded. If you also communicate that you’re still feeling defensive about it, well, so.
Many, many years ago I when I married, I adopted my bride’s two children making them completely OUR children. When we’re discussing our family with people and I get peppered with questions, I sometimes just state that my oldest was born when I was 14. Which, if you do the math, is a fact. My motive may not be pure but I do so enjoy the effect.
haha. this just made me laugh, ric. I completely understand that motive. Although … I think Jesus does too. “Your righteousness must surpass that of the Pharisees.” “Unless one is born again …” “Faith as a mustard seed.” Given what His audience heard … I think he threw a confounding and backwards statement to them on purpose. Not false … but appearing impossible. Because only those interested to know will push past the veil to discover the meaning.
Without reading any of the other comments (I’m off to class really soon), I want to point out the fact that you’ve never once seemed defensive to me when discussing where you’re at in life. Straightforward and sincere, without awkwardly leaving out a key part of your life. I think, especially in your position, it’s totally fair to be clear.
More thoughts later, via email, maybe.
Love ya duch.
Alece,
I saw you at the worship night but did’nt get to talk to you…I have read your blog before. I just got reaquainted with your ministry and blog and story. So- This verse came to mind in reference to your blog.
God will fight for you, You need only be still.
I have no idea the reference- I am juggling bathtime with my kids and don’t have time to look it up!
Thanks for writing so honestly!
@mandythompson says:
I love you
I too would feel the need to clear my good name knowing how wild imaginations run. I would want to know for the sake of your ministry too. But this is just my thoughts. I don’t think its too much information but maybe pray for peace about it. Hell if I had a “good” name I would want it to be known. For now I’m just trying to rebuild my name.
@christielici0us says:
It’s sad to say this, but divorce is so common nowadays, I don’t think most people give it a second thought. In other words, I’m saying you shouldn’t feel it necessary to include # 3 and 4 for anyone’s benefit other than your own. Most likely, people aren’t even wondering about the WHY or the WHO left WHOM. If you want them to know, then by all means, include it as part of your response. But just don’t feel like you must.
@JewelzSightings says:
Well it’s really none of my business, but I don’t think you have to say that much….
I think you could easily say you are in Atlanta for some times of refreshing of the soul. God has brought you to this city for a time of R & R… I guess I’m speaking out of my own stuff.
I’ve come to the point in life that I don’t want to be known for the pain and struggles that have been in my day to day living. I’ve shared too much… focused too much on the hardship and not enough on the hand of God that has brought me to this place to touch and heal me.
So… even though you didn’t really ask for my opinion…. that’s what I think…. I think it must be hard to keep replaying the story of your pain when someone asks you why you are here. For me it would keep it too much in my mind!
God is your defense that’s for sure… Your reputation belongs to Him. He will guard it well!
@XCWATERBOY says:
You definitely take the cake on this one but I think all of us who have interesting lives have to deal with this. My 8 months between SA and Czech were just a constant. Woah you were in South Africa? What you do there? “Well..” Blah Blah Blah “So What are you doing now” I’m going to the Czech Republic. “Wow, What are you doing there?”
Sigh… I’m not a people person in the making small conversation sense. I HATE mingling…unless I have a friend with me.
It’s always a balance how much to say and how much to withhold. What I have found is even if our life isn’t boring or stereotypical like most are, we have Jesus and that puts us in a MUCH better situation than many, many people, even if we don’t always realize it.
@TomMartinATL says:
The one thing about being here in Atlanta is the fact that so many people have transitioned here and in that transition we all have back stories. I also have wrestled with the “how soon” & “how much” debate and found for me the situation dictates the degree of transparency.
Each situation is unique and is never an easy call for me but one thing I’ve found is that the people who judge or don’t appreciate my back story and what God has done through those situations will never appreciate the person God is helping me become. Based on what you’ve shared in G&G I’m confident the same is true for you & Thrive.
I’d approach it like the lyric from one of my favorite songs, take my life and let it be all for You and for Your Glory, take my life and let it be Yours–and in doing so everything will take care of itself.
I just have to say that there are some good folks that gather here, with such thoughtful, wise things to say. Things that have really given me some food for thought. I appreciate how your transparency makes that possible, Alece.
I moved to Omaha almost 4 months ago and since I am a ‘talker’ when I am out and about, it usually comes up that I just moved from California. The next thing people ask is how I got here, usually assuming it’s job related (not the case). I always say I am going through a painful divorce and I came to make a fresh start. Most people are so gracious, say something like, “Good for you!” and they welcome me to Omaha. The only time I have mentioned my husband had an affair and left me is with a few people at church…but not for any other reason than it’s just the way the conversations turned.
Blessings to you Alece! : )
I totally understand. I have the relative luxury of being able to conceal from almost everyone who doesn’t need to know my business, what is really going on in my life. And I can so appreciate the desire to defend oneself from even mental accusation. Although … it’s surprising how many people don’t press you when you are purposefully vague. “Enjoying different scenery for awhile” is a perfectly true and vague response, for instance. There are a handful of really persistent noseys in the world who will push past vagueness and ask for details, completely oblivious to your reluctance to answer them. But most people don’t do that. Most get it. I can SO appreciate (being an introvert as well) the extreme discomfort of having to ‘small talk’ about your personal life … especially when it’s controversial and painful.
Of course … there is always the:
“Why are you in Atlanta?”
“Personal reasons.”
response.
I forgot about this… long time ago I wrote about “how are you?”
http://ricbooth.wordpress.com/2008/09/17/small-talk/
@Allison0105 says:
I deal with this too. I just recently found your blog and this post is just one of many that I can say, “this is where I am.” To let God be my defender. That is huge. Every post I’ve read about your story is absolutely gut wrenching because finally there is someone out there that is going through what I’m going through and it just helps to have some community that “knows”. I know God knows and I am ashamed that sometimes that is not enough for me. I know the struggle of wanting to honor the man that was my husband but yet defending myself so people don’t think I was the one that cheated or that I was the one that didn’t want to try to work on my marriage after the truth was exposed. I would love to connect with you. I’m praying for you Alece.