i wish it was just about the sex
“It didn’t mean anything. I didn’t really love her. It was just about the sex!”
Hollywood’s portrayal of adultery always includes that explanation. But when my husband’s infidelity came to light, he didn’t say that.
In fact, he said the exact opposite.
He told me he loved her differently, more deeply than he had loved me. That their relationship was special and intimate in a way we’d never experienced. He said he doesn’t love me anymore.
And that he isn’t sure he ever really loved me at all.
I wish it had just been an affair that “meant nothing”. Sheer, unadulterated (!) lust would’ve been easier on my heart. But my story didn’t come from a Hollywood script.
And even if it had, I know adultery never means nothing.
But what caused the deepest ache inside me is this: My husband chose to share the intimacy of his heart with a woman other than me.
I wish it had just been about the sex.
But it wasn’t.
@coloraturajoy says:
alece, this post broke my heart for you so much more than the others.
i have no words.
@lynselstevens says:
My heart is so broken for you. I am sorry that he said those hurtful words to you. I am sorry that he chose to share that outside of you. I am sorry. Praying for you.
i… stutter… gr.
I’m without adequate words right now, but just know I absolutely love you.
@hannahruthie says:
I agree with Joy. All of your posts have been so honest and yet, this one makes my heart ache more for you.
I heard these verses for the first time today and they were so good and true and solid.
“Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.” 1 John 3:18-20
I’m not even sure I fully understand what is being said, but I had to keep repeating that last line. God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.
I never have words to say in any situation, but know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.
@gritandglory says:
God is greater than my heart, and He knows everything.
[still on repeat.]
Please, please go and play ‘Beautiful Saviour’ (song #6) by Darrell Evans. The link I’m including will let you listen to the whole song for free.
Jesus was bruised and crushed for YOUR healing, Alece. He as beaten and despised so that the shame of Niel’s sin would be upon Himself. You are not to bear ANY of it, in fact it’s NOT yours to bear. :) And the amazing thing of it all is that if Niel chooses the redemption of the Father is available to him, too.
My prayer is that the song ministers to you, that you can FEEL the overwhelming love of Christ poured out upon you. He who knew no sin became sin, JUST FOR YOU!!!
http://www.worshipmusic.com/3080968702.html
@gritandglory says:
i couldn’t get it to play the whole thing, just a sample.
::
months ago i was overwhelmed with the truth that Jesus took upon Himself not only the deep wounds in my heart, but also the sins that caused them. all in the same instant.
working on forgiveness again today.
Oh, Alece…..
my chest feels heavy and my eyes fill with tears for you, lece. i hate that you had to hear those words, that you had to feel them. it makes me angry, because i look up to you and i love you. you have helped me work through difficult things in my own story, and it breaks me that this pain is now a part of yours.
this deepest betrayal…. do you think this is how God feels when we give our hearts to idols? because that is certainly a sobering thought.
i hate that words are inadequate sometimes. but i love you and i am praying that God continues to hold you through this.
@moweezle says:
oh alece…. my heart is breaking alongside yours!
My heart just aches for you. I’m just so sorry. I now that doesn’t help. And it doesn’t change hearing those words. I just know that you are the apple of His eye. And He hurts with you.
i hate it when i don’t have words. what i want right now is just to sit next to you on the couch and feel it with you … i know it wouldn’t take your burden away, but i so badly want to make it lighter.
i’m trying to be as gracious as you, but the truth is… he’s an idiot. he had God’s most perfect gift in front of him and He didn’t take the time to unwrap it.
@mjdagenhart says:
Oh, Alece. This absolutely breaks my heart.
I love you.
@ventigrace says:
I don’t even have words- except for… I’m sorry Kitty.
@cassgirl says:
This post messed me up
I’m speechless….
loving you
This post hit me hard…crying for you. ….Isaiah 54:10.
I am so sorry that both your husband and ” friend” choose to violently mishandle your heart. My heart aches for yours. I thankful that our God loves fiercely and does not take the mistreatment of His beauty lightly. I am in awe of your grace.
Even when it is FOR the sex, it is never ABOUT the sex. That’s a Hollywood Cliche abused by too many.
It is ALL about the adulterer. It is probably the ONLY time the other cliche “Its not you, its me” actually IS true. Adultery is about desperately seeking someone who will, even if only temporarily, set everything RIGHT… but, as you know, none of us mere mortals can do that.
My heart hurts for you. I can see how painful it would be to hear the words that must have been uttered to you.
You are lovable. You are not the problem, it was Niel and his sin.
You are loved beyond measure or depth.
no words. my heart hurts for you.
I emailed you my comment. Love you!
@gritandglory says:
i need you to know this:
i was feeling unsure about this post. i felt like it had no real point. no clear objective. i felt like i needed to say it, but i don’t ever want to write pointless posts just to get something off my chest. i wrestled for a long time over this very-short post. but i felt strongly that i needed to publish it. so i did.
everyone’s comments have been very loving and supportive. but i started to feel like all this post did was evoke pity. and i don’t want that. (not that that was anyone’s motivation or intention, just my perception.)
but then i got your comment via email.
and i knew THAT was why i wrote it. THAT was my point.
thank you for writing. for opening your heart to me. for understanding the weight and gravity of the words spoken to me, and how they impact my heart.
i love you, faith.
not pity. deep-seated aching with you…
and knowing.
my heart craves to know more and better, even when it hurts.
like now.
@atangie says:
Chose. Key word. I am so glad you know that.
fyp
@gritandglory says:
i had to go back up to re-read. i didn’t remember even using the word “chose”.
i see now.
and i do know.
thank you for pointing that.
Alece, this post broke my heart for you. I have no words….I am praying for you.
Oh my girl, sometimes I think there is a script titled “how to break a woman’s heart” and that “I’m not sure I ever loved you” must be the leading line. My ears were filled with more words . . how he is an artist and I just can’t understand him and these other women do . . so many words . . .
You are telling your story with such beauty, even in the dark places. And with honor, just as you promised you would. Let the words flow my dear, and know that someday you will read them without that chasm that the tears fill right now drowning you.
Well said ric and jen Griffin
I do not want you think that I am pittying you…it just brakes my heart this whole thing happened…this post made me angrier then anything…maybe because I knew everyone involved…
this makes me sad, knowing the ripple effect. *sigh*
I love you friend
I wanted to let you know that I have been reading every post, even though I may not comment. Reading each post is causing me to think…..a lot! Thank you for posting what’s been going on.
@gritandglory says:
thank you, carol… means a lot.
I guess I do have something to be thankful for: My husband’s unfaithfulness was never emotional – it was just sex.
Love you.
Unbelievable…(Tears). That makes me sad and dare I say angry. And even though the words, “I love you” and “I am so sorry” feel so inadequate, know that I do and I am.
So many thoughts racing through my head: gut-punch; tears; angry; grit teeth; idiot; selfish; understands-nothing-about-real-love; SELFISH; mean-spirited; petty; cruel
**deep breath**
and then these, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”
I have three words–i’m so proud.
you are so RAW and opened/ God’s using your story dude.
another thee words of course: I LOVE YOU.
Alece,
A friend told me about your blog. She knows that our stories are very similar. You have put into words so much of what I’ve felt and experienced the past 3 years as I watched my husband walk away from our marriage and pursue someone else. I’m so sorry for all that you’ve gone through. I know how it feels. There is no pain quite like it. But it’s beautiful to see you walking through this with the Lord and letting Him heal you. He is doing the same with me.
You are in my prayers.
@gritandglory says:
i’m so glad you wrote. i hate that you can relate, but i am so glad you wrote.
I emailed you my comment :) Love you!
…
I’m sorry, Beece!
I looked forward to each one of your posts, as painful as they must be for you to write them, because each represent one more step forward in your healing.
Every word you write has meaning. I feel everyone of them in my heart, because that is where you write from.
I have been extra heavy-hearted for you all day since I read this this morning.
I was reading Psalm 92 today, and these two verses made me think of you:
v. 10b: “I have been anointed with fresh oil.” and v. 14: “They shall still bear fruit in old age; they shall be fresh and flourishing.”
You are pushing so hard and being so faithful to keep the right heart attitude and to learn all you’re supposed to learn in this.
As a result, I believe that it will bear lasting fruit, both in and through you, for the rest of your life. There will be treasure laid up in Heaven, which can never be stolen or destroyed.
With all that said, I hate this. I hate the pain this has caused you and others. What a contrast there is between his carelessness and how much care you exhibit with people’s hearts, even his.
@gritandglory says:
“how much care you exhibit with people’s hearts, even his” — that’s one of the great compliments. ever.
i love you, lisa!
I just hate that so little was shown with yours.
Love you, Alece. I carry you in my heart every day.
@rfbryant says:
Alece, I think you’ve probably learned this, but just in case, I’ll say it:
Your husband is a sad man who has never begun to understand love. Unless he gets a grasp on it, he will do his over and over because of that fact.
You, on the other hand, have learned so much. You have learned just how much God loves you — and your husband. You’ve learned much about forgiveness — how to accept it and how to grant it. You’ve learned that hurt and anger can be turned around for good.
God has not changed. The same God who inspired Paul to write “And we know that God causes everything to work togethers for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them” (Romans 8:28) is the same God on the throne, doing that same thing today. (Just that sometimes we don’t understand His thoughts about “good”)
God is still at work in you. “For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.” Philippians 2:13 and when He has completed this work in you, You will be a beautiful picture of our Savior.
As I’ve said before — I’ve been in your shoes, 20 years ago. Ever want to talk – let me know.
@gritandglory says:
i’ve been reminding myself that He can do it with even my all things.
thank you for your heart for me.
Praying for you as you continue to journey through all your emotions, the pain, and the comfort from our Lord Jesus. Keep on releasing and giving it up to God.
@danielleH says:
Oh God …
Alece, this, I think, has been the hardest one to read. There’s so many things spinning in my mind…and yet no words.
He is near to the broken hearted and He turns beauty into ashes. While you may have heard these words a lot lately, know that they ARE true, they are not cliche and they are said out of the deepest of Loves that will never betray.
I’m sorry. I love you big time.
@gritandglory says:
i love you, yeller. thank you for this. for your heart.
Alece-I have read your whole story, though clearly do not know your WHOLE story. And I am heart broken. I read that you do not want any pity. And no pity from me, just raw genuine sister to sister grief. It is 9:02P in Oregon and I am praying for you and mourning with you right now. You are not alone. I pray that tonight you will experience God’s peace and love in a new way. And above all that HE would comfort all your pain. Joy will come in the morning.
@gritandglory says:
mmmm…. your comment blessed me so much. thank you.
while we may not know WHAT you are feeling, know that God feels this so deeply with you – everything. every part of your pain and hurt and anger and triumph and gratefulness. He holds you in the palm of His hands and feels every torment and rejoices in your trust. bless your heart. may He continue to pour out his healing oil into your life and may you know His grace as you’ve never known it before.
Heart … breaking.
That one person could have the weight and pain of such words spoken to her … to battle the truth of one sentence like it was an invading army … dear God.
I stand with you.
And … I think I’ll share something that just happened last week. My last post was on forgiveness (although it doesn’t much sound like it) because God has taught me much about the true meaning of forgiveness (and I suspect is doing the same with you). He brought me to the place of praying this, immediately after being threatened and then screaming every swear word in the book at my husband. I slammed the door, laid down on the couch and prayed, “Father, remember these words spoken against me. Remember these voices gathered against me, and render vengeance on my behalf. But don’t hold any of it to my husband’s account … because he doesn’t have the slightest clue what he’s doing.” The following day something HUGE broke. And while I’m not saying that there’s some magic trick involved here … everyone’s outcomes will look different … I think it was powerful for me. Powerful for him. Justice and mercy set free to work hand in hand.
I can’t imagine walking through what you are. And yet I know the fire brings out the beauty of that which is most precious. I know that it will … that it is … that we get to see this here. We can all choose to jump out of the fire or stay in. You chose (and choose every day) to stay in. Our Master designer doesn’t take that lightly.
“… behold, I Myself have created the smith who blows the fire of coals and brings out a weapon for its work …”
I so loved what Ric said, and it is hard to believe that it is about them, their choice, their heart, their needs, and sometimes their addictions.
In so many ways we have shared shoes. Twice before I forgave. This time I have stayed away. And I have heard it all. The words that hurt are the ones that say, “this time is different.” And by that he means that she is different, she is better and what they have exceeds what we have shared.
I know that God is above it, He walked the path and cleared the stones that I wouldn’t be able to jump, but He left the ones that I needed to stub my toes against.
Thanks for your honesty–it really is the best way for someone to enter into healing, to find truth to attach to when we feel so desperately alone and untethered.
I got to your site through a jump here and there and I have to tell you this post hit very close to home. My husband of 18 years also had an 18 month affair and said the same thing, “she understands me”, “I love her”, and “I don’t know if I ever loved you”. It is beyond heart wrenching to hear that your closest friend and confidant has shared not only his body but his soul with someone else. I appreciate your thoughts and the convictions you share.
You are loved more than you know it. God’s love is all that you ever need.
My heart aches for you and I am praying for you. Thank you for sharing your story.
@gritandglory says:
thank you, grace….