I wish I’d known it would be our last hug.
Kiss.
Snuggle.
Hand-hold.
I wish I’d known it would be our last stroll.
Vacation.
Sunset.
Laugh.
I wish I’d known it would be our last everything.
But then again, maybe it’s better that I didn’t.
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Ayla on twitter time-out -- I’ve missed you but understand that God has some purpose of keeping you away from Twitter right now; I’m... 
bob on twenty-seven: letters that spell hope -- You’re missing the vowel underneath the first consonant (reading from right to left).... 
Frank on twitter time-out -- how about using your “old” Twitter account, at least, for the time being? 
Sharkbait on embracing uncertainty -- God promised to redeem all things. He never said they’d make sense. Now that makes sense. :-) 
Pam on embracing uncertainty -- Hi Alece, Came here from your mom’s site… this post especially touched me, particularly your last line.... 
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I just emailed you and then saw your new post for tonight. I hope my email confirms, you are not alone :)
@gritandglory says:
your email was so perfectly timed. thank you for letting Him love me through you.
I’m looking forward to so many “firsts” yet to come for you, sass. And I’ll be cheering you on every step of the way :)
I don’t know a whole lot of anything, but it seems that facing forward is better then facing back and I think that God is the God of restoration and healing. Maybe that might look like something other then what you are waiting for or what you desire, but He knows you and has your very best interest at heart…sometimes I think I forget that, and hope for “other”. But He desires you Alece and wants to give you His all. I don’t know if I have ever quite grasped that for me and my life – but today, I am praying that for you.
@atangie says:
Better that you didn’t. After all, what would you have done differently if you had known? (That is a rhetorical question. You don’t have to answer it.)
@bajanpoet says:
Just want u to know that I’m here for u, too. *HUGS*
Yeah.
But I know what you mean.
You wish you had known because divorce is like death. Those were the last moments you spent with him as you knew him (or thought you knew him). We all wish we had known when we were having our “lasts” with a loved one: we would have lingered there, opened our eyes as wide as we could to take in as much as we could….. so we could remember the good times.
And when you deal with your divorce, like when you deal with a death, you hurt when you hurt. The sting comes less often, the tears begin to dry up, but always there is this: “They are really gone.”
One more thing…
I know that you are not living in the past.
So I want to say, it is ok to look back (ok=normal, healthy) and ache. If you live too much in the present you miss the lessons of the past.
Besides, as you grow, the past will begin to look and feel different. How else will you know that unless you glance back every once in a while?
@gritandglory says:
divorce is like death. in a way i never before understood. in many ways it feels like a grief worse than death. because i feel, in some ways, like i lost my history. after a “real” death, you can cling to memories, people will engage you in conversation about that person, etc. in divorce, i feel like my past is lost a bit. it’s awkward to talk about my husband, even the good memories. it leaves the other person not knowing what to say or how to respond. so the grief feels lonelier than the grief of death.
i don’t know if that makes sense outside my brain, but… there it is.
(and yes – i would’ve soaked in those “lasts” longer, or recognized the sweet beauty of them more, had i known they would be my last.)
You took my thought and made it even more clear. It does make sense outside your brain, cause I’m getting it all the way over here in Queens.
Oh I know this feeling (just in the break-up sort of way but still). It is the worst. I have context as one of my strengths, and looking back is one of my favorite pastimes. But it is a miserable way to live life.
So I try to be the girl focused on today. Right here. Right now. Eyes open to what is real, what is present. I try.
I am crying – I don’t like this.
Maybe some day we can just sit down – how about a game of Farkel ?
God bless and will pray for you!
Papa
@gritandglory says:
thank you for making me smile, papa! i’d love to beat you in a game of farkel! ;)
I was thinking along the lines of what Natalie said – that divorce is similar to death. That’s what your post made me think of, wishing I’d cherished those last moments more. But you’re right – it’s better not to have known. And now, like everyone else has said, you can hold those good memories dear, but still face and move forward.
I know. Easier said than done. Sending you love from here…
*sniff*
God is not limited to a list of lasts or a list of firsts. God doesn’t play by our rules. Thankfully. But He has so many more dimensions, possibilities, firsts, and whatnots that we cannot even imagine. This game called doesn’t end in a loss. If we “end” in a loss, it’s not over. It can’t be.
Jesus knew His lasts. Last supper. And whatnot. But He also knew that they were not lasts. Look at where He is now! :) Look at what He’s doing. Look at this awesomeness. Your life fits perfectly in it.
It’s not about God “coming into our hearts, our plans.” It’s about us coming into the heart of God and believing His perfect plan.
I hate last anythings. And your post went right to my core. Maybe it is better not to know. God is good. And in Christ, there are no lasts. The last is a win. like mucho win.
@gritandglory says:
i hate lasts, too. (probably because i hate goodbyes.) so the ache is deep.
and you reminded me of the lyrics to a jason mraz song — “believe not God is in your heart, child, but rather you’re in the heart of God.” i loooove that. (is it weird that i relate everything to a song??)
there’s a connection here somewhere to the whole “the last will be first” thing. somewhere.
thank you for your faithfulness to read and comment, stranger. you have such a wise and strong heart.
I relate EVERYTHING to songs too.
@gritandglory says:
glad i’m not the only one!
@chrystieecole says:
I think it is a great thing to try and live in the moment, but we get so overwhelmed with daily life and activity begging our attention. It is not easy to stop and be in the moment instead of just rushing past it or treating it as another thing to check off our list. I am so bad about that with people I care about.
Wow. I am aching for you….. or is it, with you?
It is probably better you didn’t know that.
@christielici0us says:
I’m so sorry.
Although, I think not knowing is probably better.
And I do think you’ve got a lot of firsts waiting for you. That’s an exciting thought, right?
Im glad you didnt know.
That way you could remember the way they smelt, felt and looked.
The happy is what should be rememberd.
Not the fact that they were “last”.
@jclayville says:
yes. it’s better that you didn’t… but it still hurts.
i’m sorry, friend.
the best is yet to come!
Hi Alece,
I see a lot of people care for you, and feel your pain. As I write this, it is like a reminder to myself, by reading the word every day, my relationship with Jesus grows stronger, and I realize no one loves me the way He does, no one understands me more than He does. He is the lover of my soul, and though it hurts a bit now, eternal happiness awaits me with my creator, no other words spoken or written can give me more peace than that. See what cant be seen with your eyes. From an overcomer, natalies dad.
@gritandglory says:
dave!!!!! look at you being all high-tech and commenting on my blog! love to you and nancy!
c’mon!!!! high tech?
How big is your God, Alece? Divorce is very much like a death, and there is a reason why God allowed yours to happen. And sometimes its so God can show us just how big he really is. Think Lazarus…
Praying for you :)
Rainer
God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us. – Ephesians 3:20-21 (The Message)
@gritandglory says:
“think Lazarus.” i like that.
we had a family member die unexpectedly in april 2008. he was 5, just one month shy of his sixth birthday. after his death, i had the same idea of thoughts. i wished i had known our last visits were the last, because to be honest, the kid just plain irritated me. he was rough with my daughter and i was on constant guard of her. and probably my last moments or thoughts of him was not letting him know how much i love him, but “when is this kid’s family going to leave so my daughter can play on the floor in peace?” when my husband told me that the young boy died that night, my first thoughts were back to our last moment. then i was ashamed. broken.
since then i have been more aware to make the most of moments, because what if they were the last?
@gritandglory says:
wow, jess. that got right to my heart. because, you know? that is exactly at the core of why i wish i’d known. i would have been more intentional to speak/show love (and to die to myself).
i’m grateful that you said that.
Like Jessica said it is impossible to know when your are with someone, it will be for the last time. That is why we should treat are moments with the people we love as if it could be the last time.
I watched my father die, and my last words to him had not be kind.
Being human we can’t avoid feeling regret that we did not make the most of our last time with someone. Life is too short to waste on regrets. We need to live each moment as if it might be our last.
@danielleH says:
hmph.
i knew it was the last time i’d see niel, the last time i saw him. it was hard. i wanted to say “i’ll never see you again, i’ll miss you, my heart is broken for you, what in the world?, what are you doing?, i love you” and all that came out was “it was good to see you, have a safe drive”.
I’m glad there is peace in Jesus with all our unknowns. Praying for your heart today in this journey. I know that you will make it!
This made my heart ache for you.
@ventigrace says:
…I’m sorry, Kitty.
I am so proud that you really speak your brain. like you speak it. just out there. each time I get caught up in the deepest thought of what you have to be going through in this time. I try (if its even possible) to experience the reality of what happen (or happening). It’s just amazing to me as big of an impact niel had on so many people, on the fact God forgives and it makes me angry. but I have compassion. but I don’t even want to, but I do. I looked up to Niel. You would never imagine how much pain this would cause and the ripple this makes in many peoples water.
The point someone decides to disregard the outcome of their decisions, to be so wrapped up in ‘what I want now’ and not leave room to turn back or escape…the impact from you disregarding others can cause so many tears, so much confusion, and cause them to recoil (i think I used that right? 1. To spring back 2. To shrink back) into memories of our happiest time with them. Which might be a slight of an escape from the pain thats been caused? But just keep it up. keep being real and your just making me proud of how you present each post. (and better that you didn’t!)
….this makes my heart hurt.
This is in no way on the same level or even similar really, but when I was pregnant with my last child, I spent so much of the time thinking how she was the last. These were the last times I’d feel the kicking. The last time I’d experience all of those things. I wish I hadn’t done that. I wish I would have just enjoyed it. I mean, she’s 4 1/2, and I’m still thinking about how I wish I wouldn’t have thought that way.
Praying for you right now – that you would know God in a new way as he is holding you and healing your heart.
I wish….you were here, or I was there. I wish, I could find the words. My hearts is broken for you… What I know to be true, is sometimes God does allow our hearts to be broken, but only so he can mend them…so he can make them bigger, to fill them with even more of HIM………..I love you.
My thoughts are with all those prodigal spouses in the wilderness, I pray for all the folk standing for the restoration of the marriages, that they may be cleansed by the blood of Christ.
The last time will later be the first and better than ever.
I pray for a hedge of protection for you my love lost in the wilderness.
Sean –
I am joining you in praying for all the prodigal spouses as well. My hope is that those who are standing in support of betrayed/abandoned spouses would also consider praying for the lost prodigals like Niel. As they are outside of the will of God, they probably need our prayers every bit as much.
Peace and blessings,
Rainer
Rainer , blessings
May we all focus our prays on the restoration of those left standing and those in the wilderness. Remember , Christ won this battle 2000 years ago for us! All we have to do is stand in the gap for our prodigal spouses and allow God His time.
Our God does not perform half jobs and His timing is always perfect.
Give thanks and praise for the Godly long suffering, I know how much it hurts.
WOW! I know exactly how you feel…I came across your blog this week and have been trying to your past entries. I have felt your pain throughout the reading of your husbands unfaithfulness, but when I cam across the entry I cried…Because I too wished I had known it was the last time for US.
Oct, 20, 2011. I left for work at 7:30, Jimmy (my husband) kissed me good-bye, told me he loved me and at 2:15 that afternoon while in a meeting at work he served me with divorce papers…blindsided, I was…
{{{HUGS}}}, I pray that the sun is shining on the new life God has planned just for YOU.
Cathy
I am in love with your blog…
@davidcosand says:
I’ve spent a couple of hours reading through your blog today. I’ve followed you on Twitter for a while and we have the amazing Hodge family as common friends, but I’ve missed out on knowing your story. Until today.
Thank you so much for being transparent and willing to publish your pain and hope and reliance on God’s provision and healing.
I’m in the place now where my wife of 20 years has decided she no longer loves me and is done being married. We haven’t lived together in 8 months. There is another man she’d like to be with, but he’s not interested in a real relationship. I count that disinterest a blessing on one hand, but it doesn’t diminish the pain of knowing that I’m not her choice even.
This post, in particular, connects with me. I knew for a few months prior to my wife’s declaration of desired independence that something was up but any inquiry was met with a placid denial that anything was wrong. I chose to believe it.
Now, I’m in a space of praying for reconciliation, but there are no promising signs in view. I have to continue to trust that God is in control and His will is perfect.
Thank you, again, for making your story available. God is using it in me today.
@gritandglory says:
david, i am so so sorry to hear of the similarities in our journeys. i hate for you this place you find yourself in… thank you for reading here… for sharing here… it means a lot to me. i appreciate your words so much…