i want to live free
I’m sitting here in Starbucks, puffy-eyed. My heart feels raw. Exposed. Tender.
I just spent two hours crying like I haven’t in a long time.
In a counseling session. Sigh.
When I first started going to counseling almost a year ago, I was so anxious about each visit. Now, without even really thinking about it, I start my sessions by taking off my shoes and pulling my feet up on the couch. I feel comfortable, even when we’re tackling a difficult subject. It helps tremendously that I have a therapist I respect and love. I’ve said for a while now that if my counselor is the only reason God has me in Atlanta during this season, it’s completely worth it.
Today’s session was different than usual. My counselor led me in a time of healing prayer, asking God to help me face and then finally let go of the events that have deeply wounded my heart. And I’m not just talking about my husband’s infidelity and abandonment. I’m also talking about childhood aches that have shaped my entire life.
It was hard, to say the least.
I cried. I forgave. I released. I surrendered. I asked the Lord to bring His freedom into the darkest corners of my heart.
I don’t want to be an Indian giver. I don’t want to take back what I’ve placed at His feet. I don’t want to pick up again the burden of guilt and shame that He’s taken from my hands. I want to live free.
I WANT TO LIVE FREE!
Sorry for yelling, but, well, that needed to be said loudly.
I don’t know a formula for living wholly surrendered. I don’t know the strategy to avoid taking back from God what I just gave over to Him. All I can do is continue to choose to live free. I have to keep making the choice to let go, to walk in forgiveness, to not embrace the guilt and shame that has become so second nature.
I’m praying for awareness. That I would recognize my old patterns the instant I slip back into them. So that I can, in that moment, choose freedom. Choose faith. Choose obedience.
This living sacrifice wants to stop crawling off the altar.
Because only in complete surrender am I fully free.
oh….how do i get there??
thank you for sharing from the rawest places of your heart.
Praise God that you had that time this evening. There certainly isn’t a formula for leaving it all with Him. It’s just moment by moment choosing. I think that’s what I appreciate about your post — that you acknowledge the choice to leave it with Him. The choice to surrender or not. The choice to forgive. Sometimes, I think when we’re dealing with deep wounds, it’s hard to face that. At least for me it has been anyway. I don’t want to choose. I feel, secretly, in the inner parts of my heart, that I deserve to be given something or to not have to work towards something. So it’s a great reminder to me. Anyway, even though I’m a new reader, I’m rejoicing with you over this step you’ve taken.
@gritandglory says:
i often don’t want to choose, too.
lots of my prayers lately include the phrase “i want to want to…”
wanting to want to make that choice is one of them.
In awe of your journey. Living free….looks like you are well on your way. “This living sacrifice wants to stop crawling off the altar.” That’s why Abraham had to tie his “living sacrifice” down. (Gen 22:9) May I learn to do the same.
It’s hard work. Walked through it before. Still do at times. But it is so worth it.
Just remember that even Jesus wasn’t overly thrilled about being put on the altar. He was willing, for sure, but even He sweated and prayed for some other way. It is ok when our hearts cringe about being on that altar. About being open. Ripping open old wounds that had some healing – even if that healing was badly done resulting in pulling, twisting, and limiting contractures. Some healing hurts more than keeping the status quo. But it will be worth it, even if that worth it time doesn’t come for longer than we expect. Sometimes we have to hurt in order to bring healing and wholeness. But it hurts.
Put some chocolate in that coffee – it always helps!
Thank you for the Indian Giver analogy. I have never thought of it that way. Thank You! Everyday I seem to crawl off the Altar. Thank you for the reminder that I need to stay on the altar and stop trying to take those things back from God.
@gritandglory says:
i was hesitant to include that “indian giver” phrase because i don’t want to be offensive to anyone. but nothing else sums up what i was trying to say quite so succinctly. thank you for letting me know that it helped you think of things in a new way!
you are beautiful, inside and out.
more tears, friend. and i know i’m not the only one…
Again, you are not walking this path alone. Even on the parts where God calls you to go ahead by yourself – we will wait until He calls us to stand beside you again. You are an amazing woman and it thrills me that you are obeying and surrendering – every step of the way.
@bernardshuford says:
Not much to say other than I appreciate you sharing your pain, not in some “television hero” manner, but because it helps other people. Even as you are hurting, you are ministering. As you are working through this, you are doing exactly what God wants you to do. Hang in there.
@gritandglory says:
thank you so much, bernard.
@ventigrace says:
I’m teary now too. I was praying for you during your session… and the words of my heart that kept repeating over and over were “Jesus, be present with her- let this hour be about your work in her heart.”
I. Love. You.
@gritandglory says:
thank you so much for praying, kitty! i love you!
@lynselstevens says:
well, i can say that i can relate. I dont know your exact feelings and emotions, but i do know what that feels like.
I love you. I am praying for you in this healing process.
@cassgirl says:
Been here recently….
Eventhough it hurts and it kinda sucks, okay it really really sucks
Don’t you feel your heart and pulse reverbrating against your chest a little stronger today? When you breathe, you are actually breathing,
God ain’t finish!!! ……… He’s working a masterpiece.
I love you FF… more than ya know!
My heart is bursting for joy for your freedom. It is so worth the fight and it will be an ongoing fight until it becomes the new normal. All I can say is “I LOVE YOU.”
I am sure that freedom is mixed in with your tears. I am thankful that you have a wonderful counselor that is helping you through each step of your journey. What a blessing!!! I want full surrender so badly…I know I’m not there where I want to be. Love you and I am praying.
@atangie says:
490 x
every minute.
You make me proud, Alece.
I’m with you on asking for awareness! Its so easy to fall back into old routines we most often don’t even realize it. Thank God for the Holy Spirit who gives us decernment and understanding to move past our old ways of thinking and being. You are doing so great I’m proud of you. Did your counselor move to Atl? By the way, puffy eyes don’t take away your beauty!
@gritandglory says:
i’m seeing a new counselor here in atlanta. my counseling experience in ohio wasn’t actually that great, and i was really hesitant and anxious to start over. to try again. but my new therapist has been a thousand times better! i’m glad i didn’t give up.
I love this, and I LOVE that picture.
I just love your words. and the heart behind them. God is loving on you 24/7 and He will honor your commitment to Him…oh the beautiful places He is going to take you because of your humility and reliance on Him! You know how when you have been through something, and it HURTS, but then years later you look back and youre like, “oh this is why, because i never would have been HERE if i hadnt been THERE”. i believe that for you.
and as I was in the Word this morning I came across this verse, and even though I dont know you, I felt (and feel) that this is for you. from Him.
Deut. 11:8-12
“Therefore you shall keep every commandment which I command you today, that you may be strong, and go in and possess the land which you cross over to possess, and that you may prolong your days in the land which the Lord swore to give your fathers, to them and their descendants, ‘a land flowing with milk and honey.’
{{If i could bold this next verse i would}}
vs. 10 For the land which you go to possess is not like the land of Egypt from which you have come, where you sowed your seed and watered it by foot, as a vegetable garden; but the land which you cross over to possess is a land of hills and valleys, which drinks water from the rain of heaven, a land for which the Lord your God cares; the eyes of the Lord your God are always on it, from the beginning of the year to the very end of the year.”
@gritandglory says:
that last part of the passage got my heart beating faster. and my spirit resounded a “yes yes yes!”
“not like the land of Egypt…where you sowed your seed…”
such hope, such promise, for better—BEST—ahead. thank you!
this reminds me of one of my favorite david crowder songs
…letting go gives a better grip…
…finding everything I’ll ever need, by giving up gaining everything….
Amen!!! It’s it amazing how almost everything seems to come down to this, over and over and over again. First I learn it in one area…and then God shows me that it’s time to learn it in yet another…and another.
Heaven’s freedom will be amazing.
Praying for you as you put all these pieces together. I’m not good at the letting go. Surrendering that His plan is best, because it is full of knowledge, wisdom and LOVE. It’s hard to remember that sometimes.
I used to sit just that way, curled up on her couch with the pillow on my lap and my fists wrapped around its edges.
@jclayville says:
i have to completely surrender EVERY DAY. no. correction… multiple TIMES every day. i’m hoping one day i’ll get it :)
…..I am free to live..i am FREE to live…I am free to live for you….It is AWESOME being FREE!!! The shackles are OFF of your feet…God has removed them….dance in freedom!! I LOVED this post!
Beautiful post.
And a lighter note…you take off your shoes? ;)
@gritandglory says:
my favorite part of wearing slip-ons is slipping them off!
I know it is hard, but also so good. Counseling can point us to the problems…counselors can guide us and listen to us….but GOD can actually heal. One of the things I love best about God is that time is not linear for him….yesterday….25 years ago….5 minutes ago….are all now for Him, so going and healing our foundations are not beyond His ability. So crazy and SO amazing.
I need to remember to continue to seek that same healing, again and again. God showed me a picture years ago when I was struggling with leaving my problems at his feet. He was the toy maker and my father (who could fix anything). I brought him a broken toy and he took it to fix it. I didn’t wait long enough and grabbed the toy. God patiently waited for me to give it back to Him and when I did, encouraged me to go and serve someone else for a while. Not to forget the broken toy, but to let him work on it for a little while. When I returned, the toy was fixed.
Love ya!
Some of being tortured by the past is simply giving the enemy a hearing.
“The next time the devil reminds you of your past, remind him of his future.” ~ Unknown
@gritandglory says:
isn’t that from an old carman song!? i think i was even in a drama to that song when i was in high school!
that mental image aside, it’s a powerful truth!
Yup. Good old Carman! :) )’satan, bite the dust.’)
You are amazing! I didn’t realize what an Indian giver I am at the altar with certain things until I read your beautiful words – thank you.
That was an amazing read! Makes me think about how difficult it is to just “let go”. I struggle with that everyday; trying to just give God all the hurt , pain, worry, and fear. I’m praying that He continues to give you your freedom from “all of it”. Thank you for blessing me today.
@mandythompson says:
Oh girl… this is so good.
“I don’t want to be an Indian giver. I don’t want to take back what I’ve placed at His feet. I don’t want to pick up again the burden of guilt and shame that He’s taken from my hands. I want to live free.”
This is the exact thing that God spoke to my heart about tonight. I was caught in the act of saying “God, here it is” while contemplating taking it right back.
I let go. I do feel free.
I know you don’t think you’re brave, but nothing could be braver than what you did in that session.
I admire you SO much, woman.
Alece,
Bravo for being strong enough to say out loud all that you’ve been going through. I hope you have been met with loving people to help you on the way to healing and restoration and peace….
“This living sacrifice wants to stop crawling off the altar.” What an awesome thought. But, nothing can separate us from the love of God. Where you are becomes an altar before the Lord…because He never leaves us. He’ll always, ALWAYS be faithful to you.
@tamhodge says:
youre right, its not good to take things back…when offered in surrender. but the step it takes to give it away in the first place is so admirable, alece…and the hardest part.
hopefully the temptation to grab it back again gets less and less as daily we choose to pry our fingers off the hurt. i know i have to pry every day too. your story helps to equip me, and others im sure, to truly surrender a number of things in my life to the Lord.
thank you…
@JewelzSightings says:
I found you through Sarah….
I feel your words and understand some of what you are walking through.
You are the object of His deep affections. He will not rest until you know how deeply you are loved. I know….He’s not rested until I have seen.
I see you live in Atlanta. I live north of there in the mountains.
He is coming for you and your heart. I see it so plainly. I look forward to seeing how deeply He heals your heart. I’ll be following your blog.
I’d love to have you stop by my blog for a visit. I love meeting new people.
@PrudyChick says:
Found your site by the sheer providence of God. I was looking for an image of dry, cracking ground for a blog post I’m wanting to write, and your site came up. For a while now I’ve been dealing with a hard heart towards God because He has my husband and I on this journey that in my humaness I feel we should be seeing progress in and we aren’t. At least not with human eyes. I think for the first time in my Christian walk I’m seeing that recovering from a hard heart is a whole lot harder than people make it out to be. My flesh wants to hold on. Realizing just how much of a sinner I am. Your line in this post about not wanting to be an Indian Giver hit home. I want to be all His, but still struggle to not hold on.
So glad I found you here. Will be checking in again.
@gritandglory says:
“recovering from a hard heart is a whole lot harder than people make it out to be” — that is so true. but most people aren’t willing to admit it.
i’m glad God brought you here…
“I don’t know a formula for living wholly surrendered. I don’t know the strategy to avoid taking back from God what I just gave over to Him.”
There is no formula. And there is no strategy. If there were, our lives would be reduced to behavior modification and it wouldn’t matter at all where our hearts are.
Stop striving.
As God told David, “It is well that is it within thine heart.”
(At least I think it was David.)