i want to get this right
I have wrestled through each of these posts as I’ve begun telling my story. I’ve spent hours writing and rewriting. I’ve had a friend look them over and make changes. I’ve slept on them and come back to make more edits the next morning.
It’s been hard to write them because it’s forced me to sit in the hurts all over again. It’s been difficult because of the responsibility I feel to the ministry I love, and my desire to represent her well. And it’s been impossibly hard because of the weight I feel in how I speak about Niel.
I feel an undeniable tension between wanting to remain honoring of my husband and sharing authentically about what happened and how it’s affected me.
I’m laboring over every word I write because I need to get this right. I want to get this right.
And yet I know that without me dressing it up at all, the truth is ugly. It’s shocking. It’s devastating. Even in the simple telling of facts in the most tactful and respectful way possible, it can seem like I’m being malicious.
But that certainly isn’t my intention.
I hope my true heart shines through my words even as I share about the worst season of my life. I pray that in my transparency, you can see more than just my pain. I hope you can also see the love I still have for my husband and my unshakable desire to honor him even in this.
It’s been a scary thing for me to feel so vulnerable and exposed by putting my raw heart out there for the masses to see and give their two cents on. But while it frightens me, I crave authenticity. It’s been the single greatest intentionality of my blog—to foster authentic community. To share transparently and in doing so, make others feel safe, free, and comfortable to be transparent in return.
So I am committed to continue writing honestly and authentically about my story, while remaining mindful of how my words affect and reflect my ministry and my husband.
And I will continue to choose to honor him.
Because ultimately I desire to honor Him.
And God will bless you even more for honoring even when you don’t feel like it. That’s true commitment.
@rfbryant says:
As a newcomer, I see this in you. God IS shining through.
@danielleH says:
I feel like these posts from the last year are going to compiled into a book one day. You have such healing and *gasp* peace in the midst of all this.
Your heart does shine through. We are loving and praying for Niel right along side you. We miss both of you.
Wish I could give you a big red-cup, fleecy hug today!
“Lord Shine Your light” That is a prayer I say everyday…his will be done. This is what you are doing. Love you.
@moweezle says:
and that is what is even more beautiful about how you handled (are handling) the whole thing from the very beginning.
Alece,
I think you have done a wonderful job….. honestly….
Dang. Thank you for this reminder. It is so easy for [us] to hate or be angry with (and justified) within our own feelings of frustration and bitterness and whatever else towards those who
do us wrong. But sadly, we are not permitted those, and so thank you for this reminder. Yeah, Danielle is right. We are standing with you – in praying with and loving Niel -in so many ways not just by which you write or make public. I heart you Alece. Yup, that is fosho.
@coloraturajoy says:
there has never been even a hint of malice in your writings about this. you have been factual, honest, straight-forward, transparent, heart-felt. your truthfulness (and careful choice of wording) is honoring to both your husband and especially to the Lord. your story is worth sharing, however ugly some of the parts may be.
@gritandglory says:
thank you for saying that. really.
Wow. Out of all of your posts, this is the most telling, most powerful. I sat here with my face in total shock when I read “wanting to remain honoring of my husband.” For you to even WANT that tells so much of your character and your heart. For you to know that you are called to do that, and still willingly want to do that despite how hard it is….. amazes me.
I wish I were more like you in this way. But I have said from the beginning of this that the way you have handled the last year has been amazing. Even in the darkest of times, you have handled it with grace.
Love you friend.
you have done well on sharing your story.
You are doing great! A quote once helped me through a difficult time so much that I still cling to it in most every situation today. “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt (1937). It speaks volumes to me because before I understood what this meant, I burdened myself with the responsibilities and failures of everyone else by letting them blame me. When you believe in yourself it is harder to let others tear that from you. So – go on – tell your story, your way. And when you don’t have the strength to believe in yourself, remember that God believes in you!
Never malicious! I read these with extra sensitive heart and ears and everything you have shared has been out of love and humbleness. I really respect you for still choosing to respect and honor Neil after all that has happened. God will surly bless you for that alone. I will say that a few of the comments on here have been a little hard to read. But I don’t blame those judgments at all. Its the truth and the truth does hurt sometimes. You are very wise and I wanted to let you know that from where I’m sitting (not to far out from where neil is sitting) you have shown only godliness and humility. Thank you for that. You are such an example to look up to. I’m sure at times your thoughts and feelings are less than that, as is only natural and human. But your choosing to be like Christ in this is amazing to me. Thank you and I love you.
@gritandglory says:
hearing that from you means a lot. thank you, faith. i love you.
@ventigrace says:
I’m proud of your authenticity. So many times- as Christians- we say that we want to live real and authentic lives. That we want to be vulnerable. That we want Christ to be evident in our mountain tops as well as in our valleys. And then… sometimes when we put ourselves out there like you have- people decide that they don’t really want to look… because it’s more comfortable not to. Because looking at something like your story makes us wrestle in discomfort and ask tough questions and challenge our pre-conceived ideas. So it’s easier to say “Alece, keep quiet” than it is to hear the real, hard, ugly, hurtful, but honest truth.
I’m glad you posted this today… not because you need to defend your choice to share your story- but because hearing your heart behind the “why” of telling your story says so much about you.
@gritandglory says:
i’ve read your comment about a half-dozen times today. thank you, kitty. i love you so much.
It is my experience that, no matter how hard we try, we cannot protect the people we love from the truth.
That said, “I’m laboring over every word I write …” too.
You have such grace, Alece. I love you.
I wish I could hug the pain right out of you. I went through the same experience 5 years ago and as hard as it was then to see a way out of the depression and pain, you will get through it. You are being very noble. I now can praise God and thank God daily for separating me from the boy’s father. God Bless you
@gritandglory says:
my heart aches for how you can relate. thank you for the glimpse into your own journey. i never take that lightly.
@jclayville says:
you are amazing! you have totally achieved what you were going for. i LOVE your authenticity.
thank you!
This shows how much integrity you have. I am blessed by your thoughts and so impressed by you’re strength. God is ever present and working in you. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for giving your readers permission to see the truth.
If so many of us had 1/2 the integrity you display in this post, a lot of what continues to go wrong on an individual level every day just… wouldn’t. That despite all you have gone through, your focus beyond honoring God is to continue honoring your husband humbles me beyond words. Absolutely amazing. If you ever get tired of my telling you how much beauty He is bringing out of you through the ashes, let me know. I, for one, continue to be absolutely amazed at the depth of your character. I think I want to be like you when I grow up…. (I say that betting I’m almost 20 years older than you….)
@gritandglory says:
i got welly when your comment first came in. and i got welly again re-reading it now. thank you so very much.
@atangie says:
Wow. It is evident that I have some growing up to do. Your truth and desire for authenticity astound me.
@tamhodge says:
i think most, if not all of us, already new this about you friend.
i love you.
@cassgirl says:
Wow… I waited for this evening to respond to this post, I love your vulnerability, it’s refreshing actually. I am so ” awwg” about blog posts recently about big stuff and they make them so cheesy or superficial. Let’s get to the nitty “gritty” we all have some brokeness in our lives. Some more, some more devastating, some so raw, but brokeness is the SAME with Our Master, He wants us to desire and run after HIM so much that we fall into His arms and our hearts are slayed before Him.
You have done nothing but Honor him and God will honor you.
Thank you for stepping out as a ministry leader, as a broken woman, as a friend,
….and as my close confidant
to show ALL OF US that God can STILL be glorified in the darkness.
Fiercely Loving you tonight my friend
Good words Alece. Your heart is pure and I see the Holy Spirit speak so clearly through your heart onto these pages. He will redeem this, and wow….how He loves you!
You are handling this with grace. He would be proud.
@gritandglory says:
i so desire to make Him proud.
thank you for saying that.
[and i gotta admit i got pretty excited to see your face in my comments!]
Confession – As I read your story I just get SO ANGRY. I am completely astounded at your composure.
I am learning a ton as I watch you walk through this journey. Thanks for letting us learn from you.
@gritandglory says:
part of me thinks the raw emotions my story evokes in others means i’ve said too much. that i haven’t been honoring of my husband. but mostly i know that as people process through what happened, regardless of how close they are (or aren’t) to me and the situation, it is natural that they’ll experience strong emotions. what transpired is devastatingly painful. and that hits people at a very deep level. which only speaks to how genuinely they care about me.
you included.
thank you.
i also need to remember that i’ve waited to blog about this until i was further along in my journey. blogging about the affair when it came to light in november would have sounded very different than it does now. speaking about his decision for divorce back in march when he told me would not have come across anything like it did last week.
and yet it’s all new news to so many. so the thick, heavy, raw emotions are there now, in their varying forms. and that’s okay. it’s completely valid. and it does not necessarily reflect my fear of mishandling the sharing of my story.
that you said you’re learning as you watch me walk through this makes me shake my head a bit. ::exhale:: thank you, truly.
Alece, you are so brave and just amazing. this post alone is such an amazing testament to what God is doing in your heart. So sorry to hear of what you’re going/you’ve been going through. My thoughts & prayers are still with you…
@traceepersiko says:
Sweet friend, the truth is truth. The truth is freeing, captivating, contagious, and inviting. The Truth can also cause wrestling, conviction, and unsettling. You have always stood for the integrity of truth. You have always valued what is right. I have seen that in you, not just about the larger story, but in your small things. you value what is right.
You have taken the risk of opening yourself up to the two cents of others. Your truth has stirred up both the freedom and exhale of truth and the wrestling of truth. I like watching the bible come to life through you. People want truth and authenticity. You have enabled a place for both. Jesus spoke truth and not everyone’s two cents were supportive. Truth still remained to be truth. Some times Jesus brought harder truth than others. But deep calls to deep.
Thank you for the risk of telling the truth. I am praying that your heart is protected and strengthened not matter what two cents come your way. Thank you for just you.
@gritandglory says:
hoooooooooo….. (did you hear that?) i’mma need to read this one a few more times.
it’s true what you said — that speaking the truth stirs up both freedom and wrestling. i have seen and felt both in people’s responses to what’s happened. i need to remember that even when the wrestling has seemed hurtful to me, that wrestling with the truth is still a good thing. we all need to wrestle with it at some time or another.
thank you for those prayers for heart-protection. i am so grateful for you. i love you.
@lynselstevens says:
I so respect your desire for truth and integrity.
The truth is very hard to “dress up” but i am so glad that you are taking the time to share your story. It is very powerful.
“Even in the simple telling of facts in the most tactful and respectful way possible, it can seem like I’m being malicious.” There hasn’t been even a hint or shadow of this in a single word you’ve posted, ever.
God tells us that we’ll give account for every careless word we speak (Matthew 12:35). I can’t begin to imagine how much it must please the Father’s heart that you have treated each word you’ve shared with such care, prayer and forethought. Ephesians 4:29 comes to mind.
There’s no way these posts could be as rich as they are, as resoundingly full of grace as they are, without the wrestling going on in the dark night hours that, truly, only you and the Father know about.
You are beautiful and precious, even more so because of this work He is doing in you that you’re allowing us to draw near to.
@gritandglory says:
“…so that it may benefit those who listen.” i don’t want to ramble for rambling’s sake. i’m praying for God to take my meager offering and “benefit those who listen.”
you are so precious to me, lisa.
even though I don’t know you, i can tell that it’s you that is shining through. my heart aches for authenticity. i’m surrounded by all this high school non-sense. But reading your writing is such a breath of fresh air to me. As painful and heart-wrenching as the truth can be, I want the truth. It inspires me that in your circumstances you still cling on to the Lord. To the Truth. And you aren’t letting go. That’s amazing. You’re amazing. Randos like me are wrestling with what you’ve shared and drawing closer to the Lord. The truth can hurt. It affects different people in different ways. But lies are a lot harder to deal with over the long term. So thank you for your honesty. Thank you for your authenticity. Thank you for not giving up. Thank you for your words. Thank you for your faith even after what has happened. God uses you to propel me closer to Himself. Thank you, stranger.
Sometimes reality and mud are what people need to see Christians as humans and learn the value of clinging to the cross. Just think of the one God is adding to His Kingdom through your authenticity.
Speaking the truth in love is not in any way malicious. The very fact that you waited this long to share publicly even the most basic of information says it all. God does not want us to hide our hurts – God wants us to heal from our hurts within a community.
Dearest Alece…
I *know* it was the Lord who brought me to your blog this morning. There have been so many times I have searched (whether a book…a blog…something, anything) to find another voice that speaks the same heartache as mine. Within my circle of friends (mostly Christians) *no one* has experienced a situation like what I have found myself in this past year. And while I am so very thankful for the love, support, encouragement and prayers of so many…I have at times, felt very alone on this journey.
Thank you for sharing your story. I know only too well how difficult it is to try to share the very deep and personal pain you are experiencing while also trying to honor your husband. You have done a wonderful job and as others have stated, I too appreciate your vulnerability, grace and authenticity….more than you know.
Thanking the Lord for you Alece…and praying…
@gritandglory says:
hearing you say that you finally found a voice that speaks the same heartache as yours… makes the sharing of my story all worth it.
thank you for reading. for commenting. for sharing a glimpse of your own journey with me. while i’m so grateful my words resonate with your heart, at the same time that breaks me for you. i’m so sorry you can relate to this type of betrayal and pain. i’m SO sorry.
thank you for prayers. that means a lot.
@chuckazooloo says:
“I feel an undeniable tension between wanting to remain honoring of my husband and sharing authentically about what happened and how it’s affected me.”
i feel like i can’t blog my story. i don’t ever want to dishonor my wife to our children. so my story will stay locked up inside my journals.