i knew the whole time
I knew my husband was having an affair. All eighteen months, I knew.
The very first time I told Niel I was uncomfortable with his level of friendship with her, they were already crossing the line. I knew it, and his defensiveness only proved it. And by the time I found his secret email account, they’d already made their relationship official.
But every time I questioned him or voiced my feelings, he denied it.
And shifted the blame to me.
Niel tried to make me feel guilty for accusing him. He attempted to convince me that I was being unfair—that if I have a best friend, why can’t he? He said the real issue was me. I was blogging too much. I wasn’t socializing with our staff enough. I was too paranoid. I was untrustworthy because I kept trying to check his phone and email. With sleight-of-hand manipulation, he’d divert attention from what he was doing and heap shame on me.
I saw through it. I just felt defenseless against it.
I withdrew into myself. I grew increasingly depressed. I thought I was going out of my mind. I don’t know how else to describe what it feels like when I know something to be true that is continuously denied—but it was crazy-making.
Niel and I fought constantly. The second half of last year was brutal—we argued every single day about this. And yet he still wouldn’t own up to it.
It was only when I held undeniable proof in my hands that he finally began telling the truth.
Sometimes I wish I hadn’t known all along. I wish that, like the majority of spouses in a similar situation, I’d been blindsided when the truth came out. Because there is added betrayal and pain in him choosing to progress the relationship even though he knew I knew.
I can’t even begin to describe how worthless that left me feeling.
And even putting words to it now, I feel shame. I don’t fully understand why, but I feel embarrassed, ashamed, that I knew. Maybe because I wish I hadn’t sat in his denial for so long. Maybe because I have regrets for choices I made along the way. Maybe because it makes me feel foolish, stupid, naive.
But it’s true nonetheless. I knew even when I couldn’t put my finger on it. Even when I had no hard evidence. Even when Niel told me every day that I was wrong.
Discernment is bittersweet. But I always want to sense His Spirit inside me, leading me into all truth.
Because even when it hurts, truth will always set me free.
I don’t have words. But just came by to say I am listening. And you are loved. Very, very much.
first of all, i love ya! i took a big deep breath before reading today.
part of the embaressment and shame is recognizing our “neediness”. why stay with someone who isn’t valuing us? because we don’t value ourselves. but, alece, you are well on your way to truly understanding your VALUE now!! you are worth it. God is filling that need to be wanted and He is sooooo proud of you.
(i would also like to say that i still wanna cuss niel out – but seeing as i don’t know him, i guess i won’t get that chance!!)
@gritandglory says:
my entire life, i’ve never valued myself. and that’s given “permission” for others to not-value me, too.
i’m learning. slowly.
i wish it was easy and fast to learn
“my entire life, i’ve never valued myself. and that’s given “permission” for others to not-value me, too.”
That is a harsh true, dont ya think. Truth does set us free I hear :) Lucky you know the truth!
Notice the ones that dont see you with “value”, have been so wrong. SO WRONG. I guess that goes for you also, you have been wrong.
No one is ever given permission to betray another person. Betrayal is a self centered act. Giving into temptation demonstrates a lack of faith. Niel is the one who lacks faith, not you.
Amazing words, Ed.
@gritandglory says:
i guess i mean that i unknowingly told him it was okay to treat me as invaluable because i saw myself as invaluable.
i didn’t value myself any more than he did.
that doesn’t mean he was justified to do what he did, though.
This post makes me want to crawl into those deep dark places in my life to expose them for what they are.
@mandythompson says:
Love you Alece. Hugs your way today as you type this all out… I’ll be thinking of you. Praying for you. Hoping for you. Believing in you.
Niel’s choices do not reflect anything about you … those were HIS CHOICES and they were due to his lack of character, his untrustworthiness, his inability to commit and I could go on. He chose wrong path and knowingly choosing the wrong path, as we always do, we must blame it on someone else. This was not your fault. There is nothing you could do to force Neil to make the poor choices he made …. I sense that you know that now.
I had to learn this lesson you are learning … my self-worth comes from God, not circumstances or people. It is a life-long lesson. But now I am better at deciphering satan’s lies and calling them that! God is good … as I was writing this, I thought of a brand new shiny penny … that’s you, a brand new shiny penny … beautiful!
@gritandglory says:
“Niel’s choices do not reflect anything about you.” i still need the full weight of that to sink deep into my heart. because sometimes i still feel like they MUST reflect something intrinsically wrong with me…
@nateonamission says:
“i still feel like they MUST reflect something intrinsically wrong with me…”
no way. you did nothing wrong. HE made the choices which in return reflect HIS character, or lack there of.
@cassgirl says:
Wow.. hmph… I am struggling to absorb this morning, because of reflection in my own life. I just printed this out before my workout, I need to read it again and I need grasped it around my head.
@atangie says:
I can see how this would make you ever more sure of your calling.
@gritandglory says:
i don’t know that it did, though. hmmm…
@atangie says:
By ‘this’ I am referring more to the whole gunk all together that you are still slopping through. Two years, more or less? Nine, depending on how you are counting? Ok, during that time you have mentioned, more than once, your undying vision, hope and even calling to the people of Africa. At first I though that kinda of talk was just crazy talk.
Now, as I am hearing the story unfold methodically (and thank you for being brave and bold enough to put it out there – you are amazing) it is becoming clear.
You have become acquainted with suffering. Need not only has a face it grips your heart – more than ever.
Instead of bitterness you have dug deep (or are digging deep) to know the truth. I think, somehow, that has made you evaluate what you are sure about.
Maybe I am the one talking crazy now. I am sorry if I am mistaken. Who am I to assume?
@gritandglory says:
i do know that my ministry to african women will completely different, as so many face infidelity and abandonment…
(looong exhale) Brutal, friend. My heart just breaks in new ways as I read these words – words I am already unfortunately familiar with.
I am astounded that despite all of this, (and I know you well) your heart is yet merciful, you haven’t hardened your heart toward Niel. How?! Only JESUS in you has power like that.
We are so conditioned to think of pain as a bad thing…. to avoid it at all costs. But pain is GOOD. It tells us something is WRONG and motivates us to make healthy CHANGES. “If we don’t change, we don’t grow. If we don’t grow, we aren’t really living.” -Anatole France
Truth IS one of the most scary and painful things to face, but in my opinion, not so much as living in fear of it.
It’s a privilege to journey alongside you, friend.
@gritandglory says:
it’s a daily wrestling to keep my heart soft. but that is what i desire above all else right now.
thank you for pointing out what you see in me.
Oh-no-he-didn’t! That’s my first reaction today and it was yesterday too. (followed by oh-no-she-didn’t for your “friend” that got involved with him). I’ve got to my heart hurts for tyou (and him) when I read this – I can’t imagine what it was like to know and be made to feel like the one in the wrong. But I can understand why you kept going. Your last post spoke of your desire to try to keep things together and this one echoes that. My prayer for you is that as your heart is healing from this intense hurt and betrayal that our Dad would show you how fiercely beautiful you are and how you are worth fighting for – and I’ll pray for Niel too – and I’m honestly not sure what to pray for him yet so I’ll just let the Spirit lead. Your strength and honesty in sharing this story is incredible. By shedding light on his darkness your feelings of being “foolish, stupid and naive” are gloriously turned to strength, wisdom and hope – even if you don’t fully feel it yet… it’s coming.
@gritandglory says:
yes, please pray with me for his heart to be softened and broken before the Lord… for God’s kindness to lead him to repentance…
i often wish i didn’t know about the inappropriate relationship my mother maintains. it’s forced me to uncomfortably & sorrowfully confront the situation head-on. i typically tell Him i’m too young & busy to be given such a burden – can’t my much older, wiser siblings do this for me, since they’re aware of the affair as well? how arrogant & selfish of me.
this week has been rough for me, & i haven’t been able to voice that yet. i pray i can live this journey with as much grace as you have.
@gritandglory says:
that is a heavy weight. i’m so sorry…
i’m trusting Him to give you clarity and wisdom.
I think we feel shame for staying in a situation that looking back we think we should have left earlier – “any woman with self-respect would have”, we tell ourselves. But what we don’t give ourselves grace to see is that we didn’t know what to do. As little girls, we dream and plan and think about how we will act when we get asked out, when we get proposed to, when we get married, when….
We never rehearse in our minds what we will do in this situation.
If people talk about it, they say, “Oh, I’d kill him” and laugh. But realistically, that is not an option. I think there are times we don’t act right away like we think we should have, but it is because we are stunned. No one ever showed us how to deal with this. It was not part of our dreams. And there are those months of feeling like a deer in the headlights with no way of taking it in and no idea of even where to begin to look for help.
We never ran over this scenario in our minds when we planned out our lives as giggling girls.
There is no shame in your actions. I know you feel it. I do often, too. But it is not yours.
@gritandglory says:
it’s true. i think of what i would tell any other woman who was in my situation — and it would be advice i didn’t even follow myself. it feels completely paralyzing when you’re the one in it. especially when you’re the leader of a ministry.
i’m fighting hard to believe His truth that i can walk and live without shame.
i keep hearing “naked and unashamed” on repeat in my head…
Paralyzing. That is the word I was looking for and could not find. That is what it is. And so much to figure out before you even can ask for help – especially if you are the leaders of a team…. and I don’t know if you found this out as harshly as I did, but even when we try to get help, the first response is often an attack on us, not help for the situation.
now you stand in the light, open. What you carried quietly can now be put in the light.
I don’t know what to say sometimes, but it is hard.
Yes, discernment is bittersweet. I am sorry that he put it on you, unfortunately, that is completely typical. It is a very arrogant reaction to your heart. It just goes to show he cared very little for your heart at that point. I don’t know what else to say except I am sorry. God cares about your heart enough to give you the discernment to know what is going on. I wish I had more wisdom to give you. I wish I had this incredible word to give you that would just wipe away every ounce of pain you have endured.
I do know one thing….. God takes stuff like this and uses it for HIS GLORY. And one day you will look back and you will see where God has taken you from this and you will thank God for His strength and goodness to you all along….
Love
This makes me so sad. Sad because I have been that liar, maybe not to that extent. And sad because I have been on your side too. When you KNOW something because your God given Spirit is telling you that something is wrong and you open yourself up to point it out and you get blamed for it. I have been there a number of times and I know how painful that is. I am praying for you Alece. I hope by sharing this you are finding freedom and peace, love and acceptance. There are not enough words tp comfort you with so I will pray that the Holy Spirit will comfort you and minister to you from within. I hope one day to put to words my own story but for now its just too dark and painful to even think about. I so admire your strength in sharing. I Love You Very Much Friend!
@gritandglory says:
thank you for sharing transparently about having been on both sides of the deception. i’m proud of you, my friend. i love you.
Neil the man I used to trust and I looked to him as a dad figure in africa….this makes me so angry. I feel betrayed….since this was happening while I was in Africa…the man I once looked up to us not the same man. Iam so sorry…he hurt sooo many people!!
@gritandglory says:
alex, my heart breaks for you and for the rest of the thrive family who was so deeply, personally, and directly impacted by this. i’m so sorry for that ache in your heart…
This is NOT your fault. Yes, I do feel betrayed. I looked up to him so much..i respected him and looked to him for guidence. I looked forward to his words of wisdom…this has all changed. I pray he will someday come back to the right path…but right know my heart just aches…nothing like yours..but still. Know that I love and respect you even more..you are moving forward. You are letting God use you. Your story will change the women of Africa. I love you!
@gritandglory says:
i shared this another thrive family member, and i want to say it to you too:
don’t begrudge the things niel shared and poured into you (directly or indirectly). you learned through him, not from him… so don’t disregard those lessons.
You are right..it wasn’t him..it was God using him. Still saddends me.
You are brave..one day I want to tell the world my story..maybe it will help me heal..you have showed me that it does help to be transparent.
big jacey-bird hug coming your way.
you are such an inspiration in my life; you are not only a friend you are FAMILY.
God is using your story to reach so MANY people and God has provided so many people in your life to get through all of this.
You are taking the first HUGE steps in being opened about everything and now you get to see how God is going to use your story. Your not only impacting the people in Africa through your ministry Thrive Africa you are impacting people all around the world through your story.
It’s amazing how God knows our stories and uses are stories for his glory.
I think this is the longest comment I’ve ever posted on your blog.
I just am so PROUD of you Mammabird—> Your story is raw, real and on the move not only in your life but it’s impacting people all around the world.
DANG i once again love you and JACEY-BIRD HUGS !!!
@gritandglory says:
and i know somehow—SOMEHOW—this will explode into a powerful ministry to the beautiful women of africa…
YES MAMMABIRD because see God uses all things for his glory.
and it’s all going to fit into the puzzle friend :)
so many beautiful women of Africa are going to be touch by your story.
dang i love you; I AM SO FREAKING proud of you.
you always say that to me but mammabird you are being so brave, so truthful and your letting your heart speak out.
love you :)
I have no idea how you feel, what your situation has truly been like. I have been betrayed and disappointed by my husband, and he did deny and try to turn it around on me and continue to lie and hurt. So even though our experiences are different, I can identify with what you’re saying today.
I hope YOU hear what you’re saying, though. Just one example – you said you sat in HIS denial. HIS! You didn’t do this, Alece. And we are all here to love on you and support you while God reminds you – over and over and as many times as you need it – that you are worthy. You are redeemed. You are loved.
My heart aches for you, it has for a while. If you were to put a stethoscope to my chest you would probably hear sounds of tears falling and wailing versus a healthy beating one. There is not much that I have to say to you or for you, but I want you to know that I love you, you are beautiful (and you know I mean that one!), there is restoration in GOD as well as HOPE!
@moweezle says:
I love the last 2 lines you wrote here, ohhhhh they are sooooo true! You are doing such an amazing job of re-telling what happened and I am proud of you for your courage and strength to say the words.
Lots of love, my dear!
Sigh…I cry every time I read your posts and HATE it that you had to go through this! Never be ashamed Alece, love believes the best.. You loved with your whole self, even when you knew. You made Papa proud. I am honored to know you and blessed to see your grace through the struggle. I love you……………
@gritandglory says:
this is why my heart feels permanently stuck on what it really means that “love always trusts”. sometimes that doesn’t seem to be the healthiest best option, you know…
“Love always trusts” even if it is not always the wisest thing to do. The greatest expression of love is when it is given undeservedly. Hosea loved at God’s prompting in the face of blatant betrayal and in that God made an example of His love for Israel. You love the way God loves, and I hope you never stop.
@gritandglory says:
i have camped out in hosea a lot this year…
If you’ll take some council from an old friend you haven’t seen in about 13 years, I see nothing to be ashamed of in your actions. You were not naive or in denial, you simply chose to believe the man who God had called you to follow. What choice did you have when, like a coward, he simply continued on tenaciously clinging to his innocence rather than coming forward like a man and admitting his sin towards the woman he promised to love as Christ loved the church?
You may blame yourself for allowing it to go on as long as you did, or maybe his assertions that you somehow drove him to it are still in your mind, but when all is said and done, the fault, the blame and the sin lies entirely at his feet, who chose to forsake his beloved, and at her’s, because when you wash away all the smoke and mirrors she did nothing more than seduce a married man.
It hurts you, without a doubt, but I would encourage you to remember that it was against God that Niel sinned. He was called to be the image of Christ, mirroring His love for the church. Instead he took the temple of the Holy Spirit and blasphemed it. He was called to give Christ glory and he chose to glorify himself instead. He spat on God’s word, and on the holy covenant that he entered into. For these reasons, and for the fact that he’s walking away from one of the most beautiful, Godly and altogether awesome women I’ve ever had the privilege of knowing, he is to be greatly pitied.
Since we’ve reconnected I’ve been frequenting this blog, and I want to encourage you that I see God moving mightily in you. I’ve read daily as you’ve shared the wisdom that His Spirit, living in you, is imparting. I’ve watched you cling to Him with a faith that is not easily shaken. Even in your despair I’ve seen God growing you as you rebuild.
When I was fifteen I met this tiny, hyperactive, beautiful young mime who smiled all the time and was overwhelmed with passion for seeing the gospel spread. We’ve both come a LONG way since then, but I want you to know I still see that girl. She’s been hurt, and she’s tired, but she’s still there.
I want to encourage you to smile, Alece. Because you’re crazy beautiful when you smile. I can tell that you have the courage to go on smiling. You don’t have a callous on your heart like others who have had it half as bad as you. Smile because inevitably you will get through this and most of all, because God loves you, and the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. Know you’re in my prayers eternally.
Your loving friend forever,
“Pirate #4″ AKA Mike Doherty
Nicaragua ’93! ;-)
Just have to say: Awesome post.
@nateonamission says:
second that.
yes, great post.
yep, awesome post. So so so so so so true.
I cried at “crazy beautiful” and this wasn’t even for me!
@gritandglory says:
you’re killin’ me, smalls! seriously, mike. i didn’t even know you were reading! you had me all choked up by the time i got to the end of your comment.
and really? i was hyper!?!? here i thought i’d been all quiet…
Hehe. We were all hyper I think. But yeah I’ve been reading for a while now. My heart’s broken for you, but I’m also rejoicing at the way I see the Spirit working in you. Also I’m crazy overjoyed to have found you again. When I get some time I’m gonna start posting pics from Nicaragua…fair warning ;-)
@gritandglory says:
thanks for the heads-up on that one! those are gonna be some scary pics! ha!
and looking back… i think i’ve become much more introverted and quiet than i was back then. which is weird to think about.
oh—and you and andrew were THE best pirates. ever. (allianza!)
Mike sounds like good people! (and I think those pics should go in your carousel up there)
The truth always outlives the lie. I heard that once, and I’ve never forgotten it.
What a sad reminder of how much havoc and pain one person’s choices can bring into so many others’ lives.
Hallelujah that our Father’s power to redeem and restore and re-create is bigger than one person’s to ruin.
Thank you for continuing to entrust your story to us, Alece.
I have experienced this madness caused when the blame is shifted. What I am glad for is that you are no longer exposed to that poison. I think you had become dependent on it, even while you were ill from it. (Maybe I’m just translating that through my experience?) Health and peace will only increase from here. Although right now this is your story, one day it will all be history. Flickers in your memory paired with disbelief that you ever had to live through it.
@gritandglory says:
you were with me right at the start of this. the first person i told. thank you for hugging me, loving me through it. those two months. and the two years since then.
i love you.
I too had to (have to?) endure knowing I knew. suspected. feared. different betrayal. same theme. I had to endure being called foolish. paranoid.
I had to endure the disbelief in a family member’s voice saying, “You knew!?”
I am nearing releasing the shame.
I need to exorcise this ghost most of all.
You loved, endured, hoped, and persisted in the midst of life crashing down. When I hear my therapist say I am resilient, I think I only see in you what she must she in me. Thank you.
@gritandglory says:
i’ve heard the word “resilient” too… but can’t see it in me. i just keep breathing. keep getting out of bed in the morning (or afternoon!). that doesn’t feel like resiliency, but maybe someday, looking back, i’ll see it.
Ah sweet girl, how I wish I did not understand the depth of the words you write here. I still remember the day I finally told my sister in a torrent of words that I knew, and had known. I knew about the affair, and I knew the lies he had been telling me were lies even when I chose to convince me they were truth. The depths of me knew and was afraid I could not live without the man I had married. I did not want to repeat my parents history. I did not want to fail.
I have to tell you girl, that in the “failing” to keep my marriage together came an incredible joy. Oh it took time, years in fact, but it did come. Eventually I healed, and found me. ME, not the me he needed me to be.
I hear you girl. The depths of me hear the depths of you and all the emotions that words will never possibly define.
@gritandglory says:
i feel the weight of failure, too. it crushes me.
Crushing. Yes. I remember the days, the nights, the glasses of wine and empty kleenex boxes. His birthday, our anniversary, all the days for which I had “plans”. Each and every time it crushed me. The dinners for one, the empty fridge, the pile of frozen dinners mostly uneaten and the box of cereal I settled for instead.
The crushing does something amazing though. Think about wine. Grapes, grown and happy and content in the sun, ripped off the vine, crushed, left alone, and for a time – awful tasting. Given enough time though, wonderful wine is to be had from those once crushed then abandoned grapes.
Give the Lord time girl, he’ll heal. In His time, in His way, with much grace and eventual glory.
In the meantime, crushed aches. I’m praying.
@gritandglory says:
i love your wine analogy.
i wanna be a good vintage!
Someone may have stolen your dream when it was young and fresh and you were innocent. Anger is natural. Grief is appropriate. Healing is mandatory. Restoration is possible
What an amazing way to end such a post…holding onto the Rock through it all and giving glory to Him!
You are beautiful, because He shines through you!
@tamhodge says:
i think it is possible for hearts to shed tears…
i am so sorry,
@gritandglory says:
mine’s been crying for a long time.
***hugs***
Long story short… I’ve been in a situation where I’ve had guilt and shame poured on me. It’s not easy. Even now, I am learning to let go and get rid of the lies. It will get better for you, Alece. I am praying for you…
@20BOLD11 says:
You are one of the strongest women I know. Before you shared this and after. I know it’s not easy to share the truth no matter what it is but it most certainly does set us free. I know it did for me when I shared mine.
I will be praying for Niel. I’m not sure where his heart is but I know that it belonged to God once and that hasn’t changed. He may have changed but God is the same yesterday, today, and forever, and I pray that the same God that had Niel in His Will at one point will reel Him in again with love, grace, mercy, and forgiveness.
I am just an email away.
@gritandglory says:
thank you for praying with me for niel…
This makes me want to curl up with you for days and just cry with you… and I’d love to say that it makes me rejoice, but I’m still working on that part today.
Do know that I love you. And I echo @ngie’s comment from earlier. I can see how this makes you even more sure of your calling.
Oh, Deece.
I could feel your pain. The weight of it is incredible and I am oh so sorry. There are millions of women who have walked through a situation similar to yours in many ways, me included, but that doesn’t help when it’s your pain. How I wish I could take it from you but I also know that while I don’t know you at all, what glimpse I get here shows a woman of intense courage and beauty. A wonderful daughter of the living God. This will be a part of the beautiful quilt of your life and the result will be stunning. It probably won’t happen this side of heaven but I sure hope God allows me to to hug you someday. Thank you for your openness, honesty and dignity in sharing your testimony.
@gritandglory says:
i’m sorry that you can relate. ugh…
and i’d love to hug you someday as well!
I can’t imagine the kind of pain & doubt this could leave you with. Take heart that the quiet voice of truth is there whispering of His eternal love for you. He will never betray you. The value He sees in you was worth the life of his son. I do know what it’s like to know something in your head, but have a hard time getting your heart to take it in – and I pray that God’s truth gets in your heart. That the things you know to be true about God and his love for you, would fill your heart and heal it.
@chrystieecole says:
“I don’t know how else to describe what it feels like when I know something to be true that is continuously denied—but it was crazy-making. ”
I have been here before. And it created a monster of self-doubt within me. To deeply know something to be true, yet be told over and over again that it is not and that you are crazy and it is something wrong with you, will drive a person to lose trust in her own judgment. I am still affected by this, but it gets better.
I am still praying for you! And now I have new prayers to pray…thank you for revealing your heart…
@gritandglory says:
you’re so right. i struggle deeply with trust. and in all this i even lost trust in my own ability to trust myself. if that makes sense.
“discernment is bittersweet” yes it is my friend. I sometimes ignore it when it comes along because what it brings is so scary that I need time to mentally and physically prepare for the changes that come with it. Brace myself.
Don’t ever doubt yourself. God was leading you, is still leading you, in how to handle this and make decisions, and you are faithful to listen to Him. And HE is the only HIM you should listen to.
I love you.
@bahava says:
The truth will always set us free. Amen. Praying that God continues to make all things new and that He is our Redeemer.
“Because even when it hurts, truth will always set me free.”
Exactly.
Well written.
Ya know what I hear in this?, that you loved so so deeply. That you, even with all the evidence wanted still to be wrong.
What an amazing love.
What a horrible sin.
I hope all of the “other men-women” that stumble across your blog see that they are selfishly not just crushing the life out of a husband or wife, but out of many.
Argh!
Wow.
Iloveyou!
@gritandglory says:
i needed this.
thank you, my friend. i love you.
I love you too, so much!
For with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief.
Knowledge of lies. Knowledge of what was going on, with the truth being constantly denied. Knowledge of how much God loves us and not seeing that from the ones we love the most. Knowledge of The Truth but being bombarded with nothing but lies. Knowledge of pain and denial. It hurts. It’s hard to cling to the Truth after being constantly bombarded with the lies. It brings much grief and pain. But freedom. So you can soar on wings like eagles.
“Because even when it hurts, truth will always set me free.”
amen.
No more bondage in sin. No more slavery to lies. freedom. painful freedom. but freedom in Christ. still praying for you, stranger. you are loved. -coop
@traceepersiko says:
my brave friend. Your character is so good. You choose the hard always. I am so grateful for your heart.
Through your raw and unedited heart, you have set the tone for others to know that being real is okay. Thank you for taking a risk. Thank you for setting a necessary tone of freedom in our own stories. I have known God more deeply this year through our friendship and just by you being you. I am so grateful for just you.
You are more than enough!
that seems to be the way it works, it went that way for me, and altho i was always made out to be the bad guy, it was him. i knew and was still blind sided, by who it was, and how dumb they thought i was..Truth is beautiful..hurts a lot at times, but man! really we don’t need to live a lie, and no matter what anyone tries to make us think of our self, GOD says we are the apple of HIS eye, HE is entralled by our beauty, and if we just choose forgiveness over and over, HE will do the whoopin’s..and yes some people have some serious whoopin’s comin’ right? love you Princess! believe the Truth and throw away the lies.
@rfbryant says:
Alece, I don’t know you, came because of a link on Twitter. I want to comment, because I want you to hear from someone who has been there. There IS hope. You are NOT damaged goods. You ARE who God created. You ARE valuable. You DO have a purpose designed BY GOD that is not over because of this.
Way back in 1987, then again in 1989/90 I was in your shoes. In ’87 I knew he was seeing someone. I gave him the choice – her or me. He chose me (and our son). Then, again in 1989, a different woman.
I got the denials. I got the blame. I heard all about how I just didn’t understand. I heard how he didn’t even truly understand what love is. Even though, I held on. Until that night. Argument, words flew out of my mouth, his hands around my throat, him sitting on my back, then attacking my son for trying to call 911. That clinched it.
Now, almost 20 years later, I’m healthier. I still have days when I think those stupid thoughts he used to voice. But God is faithful and has surrounded me with a wonderful, godly, faithful husband and family and some awesome friends.
Don’t listen to the lies of Niel or the enemy of your soul. Both are just plain stupid.
@gritandglory says:
i am so glad you came by. i’m deeply sorry that you can relate to this kind of betrayal and pain. but thank you for shining the light (the Light) on the hope that lies ahead for me.
You have gone through soooo much the last year or two. The fact that you can now write about shows each day you are learning to put it past you.
Keep on the path to healing. I wish it was a lot shorter walk. Focus on that better future your faith is leading you to.
@tamhodge says:
“Focus on that better future your faith is leading you to.”
amen! beautifully said, ed….
“I thought I was going out of my mind. I don’t know how else to describe what it feels like when I know something to be true that is continuously denied—but it was crazy-making. ”
I FULLY understand what you are saying. It is amazing still to me that this is possible … and yet it definitely is. A heinous thing. From my own perspective … I was given a rather healthy upbringing. I am not an insecure person (a rarity, especially among women), and I have always had a sure knowledge that I am loved, worthy of love, and valuable as a human being. And yet, even faced with the small (comparatively) amount of this mind-warping aspect of abuse … I can only say that no woman EVER should feel as though she is to blame when abuse is taking place. Because the nature of the thing is mind-warping. It attacks on the lowest level possible and then stares you in the face and says nothing is happening. Just as you’ve said. And a completely rational, healthy, ‘normal’ person is just as susceptible as an insecure and unsure person. So many times I have only found ‘up’ by remembering the love of my father on earth and my Father in heaven and reassuring myself, “They would NEVER do this.” So for those without this background; without this knowledge (either natural or spiritual) … how the world must spin! Like clothes in a tumble dryer. And meanwhile a voice saying, “Just fold the clothes, stupid.” As you could! As if you had a sense of gravity, or a knowledge of which way is up and which is down – a level surface, not to mention having no earthly clue as to how to turn the dryer off from the inside.
God does see this. He sees the violence done to the soul. He sees the hatred of a thousand tongues lashing against you like whips. He feels this pain. And there is retribution. It is His to give, not ours. But He will repay. There will, as the saying goes, be hell to pay. And there is healing. But oh, so difficult! So much healing of so many things! It is the most delicate of operations. And yet He undertakes it. He does love us so much.
From my OR to yours … we can trust this Surgeon. He has steady, capable, and gentle hands.
With you as ever.
@gritandglory says:
i hate that you understand. but thank you for telling me that you do…
@danielleH says:
friend -
i read this earlier and didn’t comment. hearing (reading) it again was… i didnt know what to say. just as i’m heading to bed i was reading a bit and now i have something to say.
“those who look to Him are radiant, their faces are never covered with shame”
“the Lord redeems His servants”
both from Psalm 34. really that whole chapter i think would be encouraging to you.
i miss you. i love you.
@gritandglory says:
i love psalm 34. thank you, my friend.
Alece,
No words. Just wanted to be here.
No words. Just wanted to be here.
No words. Just wanted to be here…and pray with, for, and over you.
@gritandglory says:
i can’t even tell you how much your comment meant to me.
there have been very few who have desired to pray not just for me, but OVER me. if i can get back to seattle before i return to africa, i would love the opportunity for you and your wife to do just that.
another door in your heart was just opened wide… I hope it ushers in warmth, sun, and most of all love. I love you Kitty.
“No woman should ever feel she is to blame when abuse is taking place”
The sad truth is that she most often will be blamed. By many. Even by the church who will say, “you aren’t (submitting, loving, doing, healed, etc.) enough”. That is the sad truth.
It helps to have you, Alece, and others who write it like it is. The internal dialog that is as damaging as what is going on outside. We need to know that, while sad, it is normal to be blamed. To be ready for it and have some idea it will hit, and some knowledge on how to keep going in the face of it.
We need to talk. And keep talking.
This post? Shows me how very far you have come in healing already. Hugs to you, my friend. And Ed’s words are wise – no one is ever given permission to betray another person.
@knights_lady says:
I will wait for Your peace to come to me / I will wait for Your peace to come to me / And I’ll sing in the darkness / And I’ll wait without fear
Keep singing.
Not sure I can say anything that hasn’t been said….I admire your strength, your faith, your love. If nothing else, and it is abundantly clear there is more, your worth measures deep in how you have impacted me by sharing! Thank you.
@gritandglory says:
“your worth measures deep in how you have impacted me by sharing” — that really got me. thank you.
@bajanpoet says:
I have read everything written – all your story, and all the comments. All the way through.
And I’m … broken inside.
I wondered whether I would have the courage to comment here – and I’m going to: come what may.
Alece… I am SO SORRY. I was in Niel’s position, earlier this year. I had fallen in love with someone other than my wife. In a year we were extremely close. I was very ready to move out to live with her – but it was impossible. It was an emotional affair with one of my friends online – and she’s in the US and I’m in the Caribbean. Through a couple of my closest friends, I was confronted and I fought against it… but eventually I had to come to the place where my wife and I had an impasse. “Her or me,” she said.
It took me two days of fighting inside, but I decided that I would stay with my wife.
I felt like I was cutting off an arm telling my friend that we are not going to talk anymore – and she reacted out of anger and hurt.. but I had to cut her off.
It’s not been easy these last couple months. But God is gradually restoring me. Some of my online friends know that I’m on sabbatical from ministry while I get through this, but over the months, my wife and I have gotten closer and she’s forgiven me, even although we are both still going to counselling about it.
But I have read your story – and now I understand.
I am sorry that you have gone through this. I am sorry that I have been weak like Niel. I’m sorry as a man for all the hurt and pain that our weakness, our selfishness has caused you, and all the other women that have been touched by this.
Please forgive me.
@gritandglory says:
thank you for this. for speaking from your heart. for sharing so transparently about your own struggle.
God is faithful. He can and will redeem even THIS.
@JewelzSightings says:
Alece,
As I read your words, I feel them. I want you to know something. The cloak of shame is removed. Jesus now covers you with his robe of righteousness. It’s hard when the question comes and the denial sounds convincing. You know but you have not proof….and then the proof comes and you blame yourself for believing the person who has denied for so long. Denial always accompanies deceit… Sometimes it’s hard to know you are being deceived.
Even the waiting period for proof has it’s way in Papa God’s hands. He will use it to bring goodness into your life. But dear one, you must not allow the cloak of shame to cover you.
For it does not belong to you. It was taken by Christ at the cross… it was placed on the fire and burned up.
I see Jesus waiting right behind you. He’s holding the cloak just behind you waiting for your arms to slip into it. In His eyes is a look of tender compassion. He wants you to wear His cloak. I see His eyes pleading with you to allow Him to place it on you.
You delight HIm so!
This the first time I’ve ever been to your blog – I already left the one comment but, wow! What a story! I’m already in tears for what you went through. There’s really nothing to say except that I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I’m glad that you are working on yourself and finding healing in God after all of this. He alone is comfort and I’m glad you are seeing comfort in Him. I pray that you continue to heal and that you are able to be used as God wants to use you. God bless!!
@gritandglory says:
i’m overwhelmed by your heart for me. thank you. really.
I just found your beautiful blog. I’ve been there. I knew too. With two beautiful daughters. He even suggested that I get professional help for my paranoia. But I knew, and then my friend confessed. I tried to keep the marriage together, but one person cannot create an entire marriage.
I have since been blessed with one of the most amazing partners, and another child!
People ask me if I have lost trust in men, No I say, I have increased trust in myself.
Love and Light… Kim
@chuckazooloo says:
again. i don’t know why i have never read these posts. i guess i thought i knew your story. i see myself in so much of what you have experienced. tears hit my keyboard as i type these comments. that said. i see great strength in you that i know comes from abiding in Him! Thanks ever so much.