i am still standing
A year ago today, I heard those fateful words.
“I’ve made my decision. I want a divorce.”
I actually knew it months before he said it.
But still… Hearing him say it out loud…
The words fell like heavy stones, pinning me down. The air seemed to be sucked out from all around me. The sobs came quick and forceful. I could barely catch my breath as I scrambled to get out of the car.
It felt like I’d imploded.
Up until that moment, his words and his actions were never aligned. Now that they were, the fears and insecurities inside me seemed to solidify even more.
Every day I struggle with feeling unlovable and unwantable.
I battle the fears of abandonment and rejection.
I fight thoughts of being dispensable and replaceable.
I have days (moments, really) when my heart feels free from the death-grip of those messages. But this week—today—the weight of it all feels heavy and burdensome.
Yet despite the painful significance of this day, I am still standing. And I know that is no small thing.
Though the burden I carry feels unbearably heavy, I know I don’t carry it alone.
I’m choosing today to let Him do the heavy lifting. He is “God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens.” He can handle it just fine.
I’m aware of the veritable army of in-His-image burden bearers that surrounds me. We are told to “carry each other’s burdens”, and I have so many who are helping to carry mine.
Every prayer whispered and encouraging word spoken (or written), lifts a few pounds off my shoulders. Makes it easier for me to breathe. Helps me stay standing.
While there is much weighing on me, there is also much strengthening me.
As I take a deep breath, I realize that the weight of it all doesn’t feel heavy and burdensome like I first thought.
It’s surprisingly light and easy to bear when I remember that I am not alone.
@nateonamission says:
It’s surprisingly light and easy to bear when I remember that *I am not alone*.
Amen Alece!
@pa3cia says:
:) breathe easy.
@ventigrace says:
I’m mindful of you today, and every day.
You’re awesome!
Alece, your graceful and gracious way of sharing you experience has lifted my burdens — seriously. Thank you. What a privilege to walk this life out together. I am so glad that by the grace of God you’re still standing and trust the Lord who began this good work in you to see it through to completion. It is gritty and glorious!!
Another Road I’ve Taken by Saúl
We all take one step at a time and with every step there’s a story that unveils.
A story of victory and of pain; of loss and of gain.
With every step we take, a scar most likely will appear. A mark of happiness or of shame – it’s a record of the road just gained.
So step upon step I continue through this narrow road – some say,
“a road less taken.”
So it is with every step I take – another scar, another mark of the road that awaits to be taken.
your strength, my strength…is the one true love, Jesus our Lord. Lean, Lean, Lean.
Saúl
As I read your story, as difficult as it is, I see an amazing story of hope playing out very slowly. I’m sure it is very far away at times, this hope. Be sure that it isn’t.
I was listening to the album, Lost Animals by Josh Garrels while reading this post. The music meanders through this life with assurance of victory in Christ with a very unique sound. It’s available on GrooveShark and Pandora. Perhaps this can encourage you today.
Mark 10:9 “Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” We must remember that we are the bride of Christ. In that, there is tremendous value because He desires us. Man can separate one from another. But, no one can separate us from our Christ. It is only a deception that we are without worth, dispensable and reject-able. And, it is easy to believe it. But, it is not true. We are on a journey to the perfect marriage – an everlasting one!
Press on, sister!
You are NOT alone. My journey was similar. I too remember the great pain, the heaviness sucking the air out of me, feeling unlovable & totally rejected. So glad that there are those in your journey who help to carry your load. Most thrilled that in the horror of it all that you are coming to God and piling your burdens on Him. ‘Cast your cares on Him’. ‘Come to me all you who are burdened and heavy laden.’ Keep going dear sister.
As one who has been on this same road, I encourage you on. Even when you feel you can’t take another step. Don’t worry. Fall into His arms and let Him carry you. That is the only way that I made it through. He is able and He WILL carry you through. My dear friend who supported and encouraged me kept tell me regularly that God was taking me THROUGH this. This wasn’t going to be forever. Yes it was long, yes it was dark and horrible but it wasn’t forever. Keep trusting in the ONE who will never let you down.
I hope that it is okay if i regularly leave you notes on here. I feel that now that i know what you’re going through and your situation was so similar to mine that I want to keep going on this journey with you. I want to keep encouraging you. Just do this moment. Don’t worry about an hour later, next week or more than just now. Lean into Him, fall fully on Him and He will carry you THROUGH.
Blessings,
Stephanie
@koalainscotland says:
You are most definitely not alone.
Thank you for your kindness, courage, strength and bravery sister x
@mallyflip says:
You have so many people that love you and are praying for you. People that have never met you and yet you are touching their lives daily. You are showing us what it is like to truly follow Christ in every situation. To praise him in the storm and in the sunshine.
I will be praying for you today as I am riding the bullet train to Tokyo.
Know that you are love and wanted… by many people.
@bajanpoet says:
Well said, Mallory!
What she said, Alece!
I don’t know if it’s the ungodly hour I’ve been up since, the current hormonal state my body is apparently in, or the book I read last night….. but this post has left me in tears for you. The others have been difficult, but today…. real out of my eyes tears. My heart is so heavy for you.
The book…. last night I read almost these exact same words
“Every day I struggle with feeling unlovable and unwantable.
I battle the fears of abandonment and rejection.
I fight thoughts of being dispensable and replaceable.”
They were given as examples of what the devil will say to us in our weakest times to pierce us with “fiery arrows.” That was the chapter. Fiery Arrows.
Your post could be placed into that chapter as a clear example of what Satan tries to do to us when we are at our weakest most vulnerable places.
Keep fighting against those feelings and fears. You told me you’re praying against fear for me…. don’t forget to do it for yourself either, and know that there are so many doing it for you, myself included.
Love you precious friend.
Amen. All of this – amen, Brandy. So well said.
@Nomadstacey says:
My comment is a RT from last night that I just saw this morning:
RT @inworship @gritandglory in a way, 2day is a day 2 celebrate, cause youre a year closer 2 the person God created u 2 be. :: What they said.
@atangie says:
You are some kind of marvellous, Alece! :o)
You are never alone. I think you know that. Hold your head up and praise God for all He does. Don’t forget to breath. Exhale and let it all out!
The 1st anniversary of the day our abuser abandons us is bitter sweet… but as the pain of abandonment subsides (because we realize we are most definitely not alone) we realize we are free. Standing is a very, very big thing.
what ric said
I’d have to also agree.
@cassgirl says:
Amen… I so needed to hear this.
I also think of a song – “Beautiful Things” by Gungor –
“God makes beautiful things out of the dust, makes beautiful things out of us.”
Just so you know, I think you’re beautiful – and it’s because of this hope and strength you cling to daily. People notice, my friend. I have no doubt this story is not over – and the ending will be breathtaking.
You are SO not alone!
Crazy that at the time of ground zero, you thought you were going to implode… yet here you are – still standing. Every day, every anniversary, every memory will build resiliency, fortitude and resolve: I am capable of the exceedingly, abundantly more than I can ask, think, dream, or imagine.
Faith is no longer a concept or tool, it has become a source of life.
Your perceived failure is now your greatest asset… an amazing site to behold, girl.
I always think of the verse in Psalms that says…He remembers our frame and knows that we are but dust.
He is intimately acquainted with our fragility. Some how, that comforts me.
Praying that you will feel God holding you and encouraging you today.
i hated those words too… they were awful… *sigh* ((hurt))
i hear pain in your message… but i also hear some real hope…. oh boy do i hear hope!
you are standing… and when you have done everything, STAND… like Joshua stood at the waters while God stopped them up in a heap… like Moses stood at the waters before the parting of the red sea… like Jehosaphat standing as GOD fought the battle…
Stand sister… stand. We are with you.
Stand: http://jennyrain.wordpress.com/2009/10/22/when-you-have-done-everything-stand/
@traceepersiko says:
Wish I was Tighting you today. Rowing.
i will be praying for you throughout the day, Alece!
I read your blog everyday (usually a few times throughout the day!) but I don’t comment often because your words always connect so deeply with my own feelings (although I have a different story) that for some reason, I can never find words.
But I wanted you to know today that you have one more person lifting you up…not ONLY today, but every day as well.
“Not by might, not by power, but by my Spirit” says the Lord! Zech 4:6
@bajanpoet says:
I normally read all the comments before I post mine.
But not this time.
Although I could probably quote Morpheus verbatim from memory, I searched online from this quote. I wanted to get it right. Morpheus is encouraging Zion to not be afraid of the onslaught of the enemy coming to attack them. Listen to this – especially the parts of the quote I have emboldened. This is my encouragement to YOU:
My love…. in the words of Morpheus: YOU ARE STILL HERE! And we are rejoicing in that with you!
@cassgirl says:
I am STILL standing in the wake of the Pacific…until you tell me too stop.
Our Amazing God is our WEIGHT lifter today.
Love you FF!
I’m super sick today and can hardly think but wanted to say I love you and am so proud of you for standing.
I.Love.You. today and everyday. Thank you for being so beautiful in everything you say and do. For standing when you could have given up long ago. And for showing us Jesus in every smile and every scar that you have! Love you Lecers.
wishing i could hug you tight today…
Hope you were able to give this song (http://www.ilike.com/artist/Chris+Quilala/track/Your+Love+Never+Fails) a listen the other day. HIS love for you will NEVER fail.
@PrudyChick says:
Stand tall my friend. Even when you can’t He is holding you.
Psalm 54:4
Behold, God is my helper; the Lord is the upholder of my life.
Psalm 63:8
My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.
Psalm 119:116
Uphold me according to your promise, that I may live, and let me not be put to shame in my hope!
Psalm 146:9
The Lord watches over the sojourners; he upholds the widow and the fatherless, but the way of the wicked he brings to ruin.
I’m praying…right now…that he lifts you up and helps you feel the love by so many and especially by your Father. Also, that He gives you the wisdom and heart to find a way out from under this weight.
It will be lifted.
I know for an absolute fact that it will.
You, my friend, have made it through for one whole year. 365 times you have faced another day. I’m sure a lot of it wasn’t pretty, but some of it was good, really really good. And each day, each one of those 365 days, God stood there and faced the day with you. And so did a lot of us. I’m sure God’s heart is beaming today, so proud of His daughter who refused to stay down, refused to continue believing the lies (even if it is a constant battle), but instead chose to remain faithful to Him.
Elisabeth Elliot says in times crisis when you don’t know what to do, to do the next thing. I have watched you do just that, whatever your next thing was. Many times it wasn’t easy, but you have done it.
Another quote from her – ” Not only does God enter into our grief in th fullest understanding, suffer with us and for us, but in the very depth of sorrow He allows us, in His mercy, to enter into His. He makes something redemptive out of our broken hearts, if those hearts are offered up to Him.”
I have seen you offer up your heart to Him over and over and the redemption of your broken heart, though momentarily incomplete, is so sweet to see. And He will carry on His work in you until it IS complete.
You. are. not. alone. You. are. loved.
I am standing with you, and for you when you feel like you can’t anymore. And my heart is bursting with pride too that you are STILL STANDING.
I know you will be glad when this day is done, but until then I’m lifting you before the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort. And tomorrow you will stand again! (I’m adding this one to the calendar, btw!)
Love and hugs from VA!
…even though I checked out of blogging/FB in light of my schedule, I still pop over once in a while…
…this made me think of last weekend’s sermon by our asst pastor who is taking head pastoral role in No Ca… he indicated crisis = Holy Ground…
Thank you for allowing us to walk on this Holy Ground with you. We are all growing and learning from your willingness to share. Sucks that life sucks sometimes. Or most of the time. But He is with us, and your heart reminds us of that.
xoxo,
roxx
The mark of how much God has already healed you, moved you forward and put you in a place to inspire others comes from the fact that until today I thought it was a lot longer than one year. You’re so much stronger than I was a year in.
Rest in the knowledge you are healing. It’s very visible and growing with every step you take every day.
My shoulders can handle a little more burden… so feel free to rest some of it with me too. Because we’re supposed to carry it for each other. Even Jesus had help carrying the Cross.
You’re loved and being prayed for greatly.
You are strong. You are beautiful. And Jesus in you amazes me. Love you.
@pa3cia says:
*cue in michael jackson’s “you are not alone….i am here with you”
=] that song says it all. ;)
@bajanpoet says:
Yeah! I l’m with Patricia!
My best friend heard those words too. She has been restored and set free. She’s quite remarkable and her story is yours. You will return to the world a testimony that will bring healing to others as she has brought to many. Keep look at Him, Alece. He is your only healer.
(oh, my friend is Kim Heinecke
http://www.kimheinecke.com/2008/02/my-testimonyin-case-you-dont-know.html )
@tamhodge says:
i love you.
You are standing, indeed. So, stand tall….he’s got you.
You know, it’s amazing to me how you can find the strength to write and share what you’re going through in such a raw way. I find it completely amazing, inspiring, and compelling.
And in my own small way, I do understand a piece of what you’re saying. Especially wth the end thoughts. The Body needs the Body. Really and truly. It’s not a want; it’s a need. Sometimes it is literally the difference between life and death. The blessing of simply being surrounded, helped, and assisted … it is amazing on a level that sometimes defies words. I have been SO blessed … and I don’t know why. I am so loved. I don’t know why that is either. But that love keeps me alive, and keeps me from spinning through empty space. How could I not love a love like that?
You are certainly loved, my friend.
@kamriereed says:
I love the support of a true community. It is like when someone hurts we all hurt. This hurt that everyone feels unknowingly bonds us and allows for us to strengthen that person without even knowing it.
A part of your story that makes me the saddest is the months you felt alone and couldn’t tell anyone what was going on. But I love that you know you’re not alone anymore.
Keep exhaling. Keep breathing in hope and new life.
Watch and see what the Lord is going to do.
All of us are standing right with you as YOU stand.
We are watching and waiting with you.
@jclayville says:
You ARE still standing.
You are amazing… but it doesn’t stop the hurt and the “what if’s”.
I love you so much, dear friend. Thank you for sharing your heart.
I just recently came across your website. I am blown away by your honesty. It is truly refreshing. Exactly three years ago today, I discovered that my husband of 22+ years had been having an affair with a woman he worked with for 2 years. My world was destroyed that day. We have reconciled and have been in counseling and are doing so much better, but my world will never be the same. I wish I had been brave enough to write about my experiences, but I was too afraid of judgement and rejection. God carried me through and is still carrying me. So I can honestly feel your pain. I had been through another marriage for 6 years where my husband cheated and then left me for the other woman. So I can relate in more ways than one. And yes, “still standing” is saying a lot. May God richly bless you!
@mandythompson says:
I’m sorry I am just now getting to your post for yesterday… But my heart was with you all day.
Love you much. MUCH. MUUUUUUUCH.
and I’m proud to stand beside you.
Our study group just viewed Beth Moore’s Breaking Free session 4 video yesterday. She made the comment that there is a cycle for dealing with these types of attacks. First it’s HARD. Then it gets HARDEST. But then it’s EASIER. Until finally it’s UNDER OUR FEET!
Since your standing, I’d say it’s safe to say that UNDER YOUR FEET is most surely close for you. Don’t make agreements with the enemy when you hear those lies. You are NOT unloveable or unwantable. You are NOT dispensable or replaceable! I dare you to find scripture that refutes those statements. Hear what God says about you. It’s the exact opposite.
You are dearly loved (by Him and apparently by many others as is evident here in your comment section).
You are definitely NOT alone.
HUGE HUGS
Alece-You inspire me to stand tall, be strong, forgive and love deep. Praying for your tender heart that God would protect and heal. Keep up the good work my dear :)
“To survive I had to make the daily transfer: “Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you” (Psalm 55:22). Every day the sorrow was new. Every day sustaining mercies were new (Lamentations 3:23).”
From the sidebar on this article http://www.billygraham.org/DMag_Article.asp?ArticleID=872
@BrokenN2Beauty says:
So true – you are not alone!! He promises to heal the broken-hearted, and He will! I am so proud of you for the way you are continuing to stand, and for His glory!