"Being a missionary is the worst thing you can do with your life." Imagine hearing those words from your pastor. When you are only nineteen.
: :
I wonder what he'd say if he saw me now...
coffee talk: women in ministry
Remember G-Daddy and the motorcycle? Yeah, me too. What I didn't tell you back then was that shortly after I passed G-Daddy's motorcycle test, I flunked an even bigger one. We got in a discussion about women in ministry, and I very quickly lost my standing in his good book. After hearing all about our ministry, G-Daddy was excited. He complimented me repeatedly on all that God had done through Niel and I in a reasonably short period of time. Over and over again, he emphasized what a wonderful job we were doing; he even began talking about the possibility of coming to serve with us in a long-term capacity.
Everything changed when he mentioned that he was ordained, and I replied that I was, too.
I thought he was joking with his initial responses, and then I quickly realized he wasn't. The conversation spiraled into him telling me that we aren't running our ministry in a Biblical manner because I, as a woman, am in leadership.
I was hurt by his "attack", not because this was the first time I've received criticism like this, but because I was staying in his home and had, just moments before, been someone he seemingly admired. I was also puzzled by his earlier praise: was he really just complimenting me for being a token wife, simply hanging on the arm of my minister husband who, of course, does everything? Hmph.
So... I ask you: What are your thoughts on women in ministry, particularly in leadership roles?
sometimes
I just wrote probably the hardest email I've ever had to write. It was slow-going. I stared at the blank email box for a long time, trying hard to formulate words that could somehow capture my heart. I came up empty handed. I started with that admission and then basically mumbled and fumbled my way through it. More than ever before, I wished I could crawl through the internet and have a face-to-face conversation rather than responding in email form.
But I did it. I found words and I hit send.
Sometimes, being in leadership just sucks.
doing life together
Calling all readers: I really need everyone's input on something significant that's been brewing in my heart. So if you've been lurking reading without commenting, this is your time to come out of hiding speak up. And of course, if you usually comment, do as you normally do. And just in case it's not 100% clear, first-time visitors are also required requested to comment.
Okay, now that we're all on the same page...
I'd like to host a blogger mission trip to Africa.
(In case you're unaware: My husband and I are missionaries in South Africa; we've been here for ten years; we run a ministry; we host mission teams.)
My vision for a blogger mission trip stems from the desire so many of us have to meet our new friends from all over the country world and at the same time do something eternally significant. So why can't we combine those two by teaming up, traveling to Africa, and sharing the love of Christ together?
I can think of no better way I'd want to experience doing life together with any of you.
There is tons more I could say about the whats, whens, wheres, hows, and whys that are running around in my heart, but first let's tackle the whos. I need to get a sense of how many people would even want to do something like this...
So this is where you come in. (Yes, you!)
What I want to know from you is:
- How interested are you in a blogger mission trip to Africa?
- Any specific time of year that's best
- An ideal length of time for the trip
- Where you live
- If you can't go, would you like to help send?
Spread the word. This is gonna be big... I can already feel it.
toothpaste, travel mugs, and wedding bells
The only questions I remember were about toothpaste and our kitchen. After we got married, my application for permanent residency in South Africa was expedited. Having a South African husband put me into the fast-track category. But before I'd be granted permanent residency, the government wanted to make sure I wasn't faking our relationship just to stay in the country. They wanted proof that we were really married.
It was like a scene from a movie.
Niel and I were interviewed separately by government officials. They asked us questions that would supposedly help them determine whether or not Niel and I had known each other as long as we said we had.
I was seated across from a large man behind a desk. I was nervous, fidgeting; I felt like I was on The Newlywed Game Show. Things went smoothly until the kind sir asked, "What is your favorite toothpaste?" I started to sweat. Do I answer with what I'd really say or with what I think Niel might say? I mumbled something about my favorite being an American brand that isn't in South Africa. "Just answer the question," he snapped. "Crest...?" I said, with a question mark at the end. He nodded and moved on.
Phew.
I was asked to describe what our kitchen looked like. I'm way more detail-oriented than Niel is, so I wasn't sure how Niel might have answered that question. I gave vague, general details first---the guy's face remained expressionless---and then I started to give more specifics. When I told him that the top of our cabinets were lined with Starbucks travel mugs, he interrupted me and told me that would be enough. I smiled, and wished I could high-five Niel right then and there.
Needless to say, I received my permanent residency a few months later.
And if we were quizzed with the same questions today, I guarantee we'd both still get them right.
d-day
I'm pretty excited right now. As I type, Niel's on a flight to America. I'm sure he's cramped up in his tiny seat, jamming his knees into the back of the poor soul sitting in front of him. I imagine he's enjoyed (?!) at least one Pepto-necessitating airplane meal and climbed over his neighbor at least once to use the way-too-small bathroom. I bet he's watched a movie or two, slept a bit, and sorted out 1/4 of the world's problems in his brain (he's just amazing that way). He's most likely looking at his watch right about now, counting down the hours till he exits that flying tube of steel. Did I mention that the flight from Johannesburg to New York is 17 hours long? It is.
But that's not why I'm excited.
I'm smiling so big my eyes close because I'm going to surprise Niel when he lands in New York tomorrow morning. He's catching a flight out to Orlando just a few hours later, but I'll get to steal a quick kiss (maybe a not-so-quick kiss) and a long hug (that's the best part right there...).
There's a long story behind the "why", but the short of it is that there are 7 Thrive Trippers on the flight with Niel. Because they took off from South Africa almost 3 hours late, the kids will miss their domestic connections. They've been rebooked on later flights out of a different airport. So I'm going to meet their flight, make out with my husband, shuttle 7 kids I've never met before across the city to LaGuardia ("Hi, I'm Alece! What's your names?"), get them checked in and through security, catch a cab back to JFK, and then drive back to Long Island.
And all this starts with my alarm going off at 6 AM.
Seeing Niel makes that totally worth it. And if you knew how much of a morning person I am not, you'd know what a big deal that is for me.
The bestest part? Since all of this was arranged after Niel boarded the flight 7 hours ago, he has no idea about the excitement that is going to unfold at 9:00 tomorrow morning.
I wanna bring Niel some tangible love. Considering I can only bring things I can find around my house, what do you propose I bring for him?
just one
I just read someone's mission trip follow-up letter. You know the one that's sent to supporters after the fact to reiterate appreciation and to share how much the trip impacted them? That kind of letter. The letter I read was sent to supporters over five years ago.
It was written by someone who was dramatically changed by God on the mission field. This was clearly evident in the letter she sent out after she got home. It's also very easy to see in her life even now, so many years later. Going on a mission trip has that effect. I know that very well.
But reading this letter caused my eyes to fill with tears. It is an amazing thing to see how far someone has come. It is a breathtaking moment when you get a glimpse of the miraculous work of God in someone's life.
But mostly I was moved because all those years ago, the trip she went on was to South Africa, to serve with our ministry. To see firsthand a destiny that was transformed by us---both directly and indirectly---is a humbling thing. To think of the other futures that will also be affected through the ripple eeffect of her life causes a lump to form in my throat.
This girl went on to become an intern at Thrive. And then a friend.
So to get this glimpse back to her first experience with us, so very long ago, was pretty incredible. And more than enough motivation to keep doing what I'm doing.
help us to give
Eighty-year-old Nadine asked quite a few questions after Niel and I shared about Thrive Africa at a small gathering of people in a friend's home. When the Q&A time wrapped up, someone asked if they could pray over us. Absolutely yes is always our answer. (We need all the prayers we can get!) As people prayed, my heart felt strengthened by their pleas for our health and strength, for increased wisdom and favor, for many more to be impacted through our ministry.
And then Nadine started to pray. She was crying so hard, it was difficult for her to stay composed. Her words were broken, separated by sniffles and sobs. But her short prayer was so powerful.
"Lord... thank You... that we can... be a part... of this. Help us... to give."
I couldn't help but smile as my eyes welled with tears. This sweet woman's prayer was for help to give. To get involved. To be a part.
Later, as she stuffed $40 into my hand, amid more tears, she told me, "I wish I could do more." She shared that her recent ailments have stopped her ability to engage in ministry and service like she used to; she was starting to feel useless, purposeless. "But now I know what I can do. I can give. And it's just like going."
Nadine's got it exactly right.
authenticity
"Unfortunately, sometimes we have to be who we need to be and not who we are." Niel and I were discussing the fact that much of what we do on these fundraising trips is very... not us. I asked him if he thinks it's unauthentic for us to spend so much time engaging in activities that are against our nature. That's when he made the statement that sometimes we have to just be who we need to be rather than who we really are.
It left me feeling as though we are being disingenuous in some way.
- When I have lengthy small-talk conversations, am I wrongly giving the impression that I naturally enjoy that sort of thing?
- When I speak in a church, am I painting an artificial portrait of what I feel comfortable doing?
- When I spend more time talking in one day than I normally would in a week, am I being insincere?
I guess I've been pondering where the line is between a lack of authenticity and doing what needs to be done.
My conclusion (so far) is that it's not so much that I'm being artificial as it is that I'm emphasizing certain areas of my personality as needed. My friendliness and warmth aren't fabricated; they're just being expressed more often and in ways that don't come natural to me.
What do you think?
giftedness
The other day a church asked us if they could film an interview with us for their TV show. WHAT?! That is so not my thing. For so many reasons. But we did it.
We sat across from the pastor on a comfy couch on the church stage. We were miked up---you know those awesome nearly invisible teeny-tiny ones??---and had 4 cameras aimed our direction. I kept thinking, "Do you really need four angles of us?" Actually, my biggest thought was, "For crying out loud! Today of all days I woke up with a massive zit on my right cheek. Do we really need so many different views of that?!"
We talked (and filmed) for about 25 minutes.
When we finished up, the pastor told us we did a good job. And I scooted off to the bathroom.
Niel told me later that while I was gone, several of the pastors and crew went on and on about how much of a natural they thought I was. They said I seemed so comfortable, I spoke articulately, I carried myself well. HUH?! I don't see that at all and so it just kind of boggles my mind.
What giftedness do others see in you more easily than you see in yourself? Why is it hard for you to see it?
ten years
Today I celebrate ten years of living in Africa. And I'm not even in Africa. Hmph.
I don't have anything profound to say (like I did last year). If you want to read something deep and meaningful, you'll have to go back and read last year's post. It all still applies.
Today all I'm thinking is that I can't imagine any other life for myself---I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. And yet, in that, I sometimes secretly (though not so secretly anymore...) wish I could take a reprieve from it all. A break. A pause. A selah not just for my soul but for my life.
And then I feel guilty for even thinking such a thing, never mind saying it out loud.
This missionary has a long way to go...
lessons (5 of 5)
The last of the series... Maintain a teachable spirit. A humble leader is a learner. When asked what skill would be best in a staff member, I've always said "teachability". When someone has a teachable spirit, their fault and flaws don't seem as hard to deal with. Although I've lived here for ten years, I still have much to learn. As often as we can, Niel and I spend time with other ministry leaders. We ask questions, we listen well, we ask for advice. We are learners first, leaders second. In the seasons where my learning has slowed up or even stopped due to busyness or arrogance, my leadership always takes a nosedive.
Burnout is real. A burned-out leader no longer leads; she just maintains. I know this all too well. My wick has been burning on both ends for far too long. I have a lot of theories and even practices I've done over the years to prevent burnout, but nothing with enough consistency and commitment to really make an impact. I'm in a place of being tired and drained, and I know---I know---I'm no longer leading the way I should be, the way God wants me to be. I'd appreciate your prayers for inner strength and true rest.
How teachable are you? (How do you handle correction?) What insights or thoughts do you have for battling burnout in full-time ministry?
lessons (4 of 5)
It's been a while... If you missed lessons one, two, and three, be sure to head back and read 'em. Develop your team. You won’t develop outwardly if you’re not developing inwardly. We've made development a high priority; it's one of our ministry's core values. We constantly look for strategic opportunities to develop our staff and interns. For my own development, I read a lot---books and blogs of ministry leaders. I also listen to and/or watch teachings by leaders I learn a lot from, like Andy Stanley, Craig Groeschel, and Steven Furtick.
Let your team know they have freedom to fail. Make new mistakes rather than repeating old ones. I am a perfectionist. And very detail-oriented. So this lesson is one I'm constantly needing to remind myself of: Mistakes are okay. I'm more intolerant of my own failures than those of others, yet I know I always need to better guard my response to others' mess-ups. I'm learning the benefit of making new mistakes, because of all the lessons and opportunities they hold for me. As long as I'm learning from them, I need to be ok with my shortcomings.
Don’t hold things with a closed fist. We’re called to be stewards, not owners. Niel and I are both strong givers, so this one is maybe easier for us than for many. At least 10% of all our general ministry income goes out to support other ministries and missionaries. And because of how far we've come, and all the "lack" we've endured over the years, we naturally take good care of what we have. At times it causes frustration in us when we see others on our team treating things with recklessness or disrespect. While we continually challenge them to be good stewards, we can't expect them to remember what it was like when we didn't have much.
What do you do to develop yourself?
How do you handle mistakes you make?
What's the hardest thing for you to hang onto with an open hand as opposed to a closed fist?
with or without you
I love when my husband is away. Now before you start tsk-tsking, wagging your finger, or interceding for my marriage, let me explain.
I love the companionship of marriage. I love the security of knowing my husband is there for me, and that I always have someone to cuddle with on the couch. But I also love my alone time. To me, the thought of a week home alone is wonderful.
Of course I miss Niel while he's gone, but I don't fall to pieces without him. Over the years, Niel and I have "split up" a lot. He's gone to the States without me many times, and there's been a handful of occasions when I've done the same. When he's gone, often people ask me, "How are you coping without Niel?" or "You holding up ok?" And I never know how to answer. I don't want to come across like I just love it when he's gone, but I want them to know that I'm doing fine without him.
And by "doing fine", I don't mean I'm getting by. I don't just barely survive my weeks, sometimes months, without my husband. I enjoy it. I can do things I don't normally get to do. Like eat cereal for every meal. (I'm not kidding.) Like stay up really late to work and chat with friends. Like sleep in the middle of the bed in an attempt to flatten it. (Our mattress seems to have a hump right in the middle since it sinks in on the sides where we sleep. Awww. How sweet. We have matching indentations. Yeah, this week I'm sleeping on the hump. Let's see if it helps.) Like not shave my legs for weeks on end. (Never mind...I do that anyway.)
Yep, I enjoy my seasons of singleness.
I'll even venture out into some murky waters to say that I think it's healthy to have time apart every now and again. Niel and I don't have separate work situations where we spend time apart from each other on a daily basis. Even though we're not physically with each other all day every day, we work in the same ministry and are up-to-our-eyeballs in all the same stuff. Sometimes I wish I could come home from work and prattle on about my work friends and "Oh you should've seen what this lady did in the store today!" Anyway, back to my health issue. For us, we've found it to be very good for us to have times apart. It makes us more appreciative of each other and less critical of the annoyances we can get oh-so-focused on.
Yep, I think it's healthy to be husband-less every once in a while.
I've met women over the years who feel the complete opposite of me on all this. I've heard things like, "We've been married for 5 years and we've never spent a night apart from each other" and "I don't know what I'd do if my husband was away for a week!" And it always astounds me. Maybe God wired Niel and I to handle our separations gracefully since He knew we'd need to do it a lot.
Whatever the reason, and whether or not everyone thinks it's right or healthy, I'm enjoying myself this week!
How do you handle times away from your spouse? And if your single, how do you think you'll handle it down the road?
lessons (3 of 5)
Do it afraid. Fear paralyzes, but courage shrugs its shoulders and takes a step anyway. I'd say that most of the time, I don't feel strong/brave/prepared/qualified enough to do what I'm doing. In Angie's comment, she asked how many times I've been tempted to give up. A lot!
Lack of finances, skills, time, and faith have all made me think, at one point or another, that I just can't do this anymore. And then God, in His faithfulness, uses circumstances, people, His Word, or His peace to bring my heart back around again.
I wish my faith didn't waiver as much as it did. I wish I could say I am a courageous leader who is always sure of her steps and confident in what she's doing. I wish I was never tempted to give up. But if I'm honest, none of that is true.
And like a consumer I've been thinking If I could just get a bit more More than my fifteen minutes of faith Then I'd be secure My faith is like shifting sand Changed by every wave My faith is like shifting sand So I stand on grace
lessons (2 of 5)
Here are some more thoughts on lessons I've learned in the past ten years of ministry in Africa. Do what only you can do. Spend your time and energy on that which makes you the strongest asset to your team. Delegation has always been hard for me. I am a perfectionist, and very detail-oriented... so it's hard for me to pass things off to others. For a long time, we didn't have "others" to pass them off to, and I got very comfortable juggling so many things on my own. As our team grew, I learned (slowly) to equip my teammates to help carry the load.
I made a list of the things I want to spend my time doing, and the things that "only I can do" so that when we had the right people, I could start passing things off. Something "only I can do" is be the "face" of the ministry for our partners back in the States (with Niel, of course). Yes, I could have someone else write our newsletters or write email replies to our supporters. But I don't want to. I want to continue having personal contact with the people who make our ministry possible. So I still personally reply to every email we get from our supporters (not always very speedily, although I sure try!). And while I now have some assistance in this area, I still write the final copy for our newsletters, printed letters, brochures, website, etc. It represents us, so I am heavily involved in what the ministry puts out in writing.
We still don't have enough staff for me to only do what only I can do. But we're definitely miles ahead of where we were even just 18 months ago. I probably spend about 40-50% of my time doing what I love and feel specifically called to do. The rest of my time is still spent in other areas. Right now, the 80/20 principle seems impossible, but it is something I am working toward: Spending 80% of my time doing what makes me the strongest asset to our team and ministry, and spending the remaining 20% on the have-to's that I can't avoid being involved in.
Give authority with responsibility. Trust your team; they have strengths in areas you don’t. This is as hard for me as delegation is. I need to constantly remember that just because someone does something differently than I would, it doesn't make it wrong. I have to work hard at times to keep my attitude in check when I know a "better way". I need to get more big-picture oriented and get my brain out of the details sometimes. As long as the end result is right, the means of getting there shouldn't matter.
When it's painfully obvious that someone is better than me at something, it's easier to trust them to do the job. It's when I think I could do it better that I really need to work hard at fully letting go. Trust is something that is a challenge for me, both personally and with ministry responsibilities, but I've grown a lot in the area of trusting our team. We are blessed with some high-caliber staff members and interns who continue to blow me away with their giftedness. They've been a huge part of me learning to let go and trust others to get the job done.
How much of your time do you spend doing what you love/want?
Is it hard to trust others with tasks you are good at?
Thoughts, Questions?
lessons (1 of 5)
Here are more personal thoughts about some of the lessons I've learned in the past ten years. Get clarity on your vision, and stick to it. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. When we first started out, we began by meeting the needs we saw around us. Of course there were many, and we quickly found ourselves doing a whole lot. Actually, what we were doing was very little in a whole lot of areas. While this was borne out of compassion, we realized that by spreading ourselves to thinly, we were being neither strategic nor effective. Andy Stanley's book, Visioneering, helped us clearly define exactly what God was calling us to do as a ministry. That meant stopping programs we were running because they were not in line with that vision. It was a difficult but rewarding time of refinement in our ministry. At times, it's still not easy to say "no" to things that seem like they'd be great to be involved in. But knowing we are focusing our time, energy, and resources to accomplish what God's called us to certainly makes it easier.
Everyone should know the vision. Momentum in ministry only occurs when everyone’s clear where you’re headed. This is one we are still actively working on. We try to reinforce our vision and core values as often as we possibly can---as we lead staff meetings, as we talk strategy, as we bring correction. We share it with every team that comes through our ministry; we want them to see how their short-term trip ties in with the overarching vision to train Godly leaders. We also try to consistently convey the vision to our supporters and partners around the world. We've never wanted people to give to us because of an emotional pull; we want them to give because they know, believe in, and support the vision God's given us for reaching Southern Africa.
The right people make all the difference. A strong team multiplies ministry effectiveness. Like most of our lessons, we learned this one the hard way. On the mission field, and probably in any ministry, the needs are so great and there are never enough hands. That urgency and desperation led us to take on anybody and everybody who wanted to come and "do something" in Africa. We've gotten a lot more focused in our process of bringing on staff members; some people think we actually make it "too hard" for people to join our team. While our aim isn't to make it difficult, we want the process to be slow and thorough enough so both sides know clearly that it's truly a God-thing before someone makes a long-term move.
I'd love to hear your thoughts and input on all these. And if any questions pop into your mind, feel free to ask... Also---What lessons are you learning lately?
just to clarify
I recently blogged about some of the lessons I've learned in my first ten years of ministry. A friend asked me to share some of my personal history with those things, and I plan on writing a few posts in response to her comment. But I need to start off by clarifying that when I say "lessons learned" I certainly don't mean "lessons mastered". Every single thing I listed is something I still struggle with in some way or another. I'm often hesitant to share things I've learned because although my sharing always comes from a place of journeying, not of arriving, somehow there is the implication in those words that I've figured it out. Hear me: I haven't.
But the other side of that same coin is that I believe there is value in speaking from a point of brokenness. Being a missionary doesn't make my life unrelatable to yours. I face similar struggles and challenges, and I write from that place, not from the awkward, lofty pedestal people often put missionaries on.
I recently spoke with someone about helping her deal with some issues in her life. I told her, "You need to know that I don't have any training in counseling or any experience in dealing with things like this. But I'm willing to walk that road with you, to figure it out with God's help as we go along." Her response was wonderful. "I think that's actually what I need. I don't want someone just telling me how to fix my life; what I need is someone willing to walk alongside me in this. I think I will get more out of that kind of help than I would from some professional whom I write a check to at the end of our meeting."
Her words seemed to sum up my thoughts on the perspective I have when I write. I'm next to you on the road, not miles ahead simply because I'm a missionary.
I've discovered that the expectations I often feel from others are ones that many place on anyone in ministry. Yes, we are to "practice what we preach", "walk the talk", and not tell others to do what we ourselves aren't doing. But---and this is a big but---if we expect people to only share what they've mastered, there would be much silence in this world. We will never arrive. Never. Expecting that of anyone, especially those in ministry, only adds undue pressure and burden to their lives.
Remember the humanity of the missionaries, pastors, and leaders you know. Just like yours, our lives are filled with more grit than glory. And since I'm trying to develop more authenticity and transparency in my life, that means the more you get to know me, the more grit you'll see. While that thought makes me cringe, deep down I know it's a good thing.
second decade (3 of 3)
Even more lessons from my first 10 years of ministry that I'm taking with me into my second decade...
- Develop your team. Each person is responsible for their own personal growth and development, but it's on your shoulders as a leader to provide as many opportunities for that as possible. Pour into your team through planned and unplanned development times. You won't develop outwardly if you're not developing inwardly.
- Let your team know they have freedom to fail. As leaders, we need to be quick to recognize how often we ourselves fail; that makes it easier to accept the failures of our team members. While giving people the freedom to make mistakes, let them know you expect them to learn from their failures. Coach them so that next time around, they don't fail in the same way. Make new mistakes rather than repeating old ones.
- Don't hold things with a closed fist. It's all God's anyway, and He can give it to whomever He wishes. Hold people, finances, possessions, and ideas with an open hand, ready to give when prompted. We're called to be stewards, not owners.
- Maintain a teachable spirit. There are few things more distasteful in a leader than arrogance. Don't think you know it all, because you don't. Ask questions; listen intently; seek out opportunities to learn everyday. A humble leader is a learner.
- Burnout is real. Find ways to pull away from ministry work. Spend time with friends outside the ministry. Force yourself to unwind; take a physical, mental, and emotional break from your work. A burned-out leader no longer leads; she just maintains.
second decade (2 of 3)
Here are some more lessons from my first decade of ministry that will help me as I head into my second.
- Do what only you can do. There is so much work to be done, and in the early years you're forced to be involved in all of it as you get things off the ground. As soon as possible, though, start delegating. Determine those things that only you can or should do, and focus more of your time on doing those things. Delegate anything that doesn't fit into that. Spend your time and energy on that which makes you the strongest asset to your team.
- Give authority with responsibility. If you give someone a job, give them full authority to actually do it. Paint the picture of the end-result you're looking for, but give them the freedom to determine how they get there. Micro-management inhibits impact. Trust your team; they have strengths in areas you don't.
- Do it afraid. Don't wait until you have all the answers or feel fully confident before you step out and do what God's called you to do. Courageous leadership means making tough choices when you don't feel brave at all. Fear paralyzes, but courage shrugs its shoulders and takes a step anyway.