friendships lost
My heart hurts tonight for friends I’ve lost. And after spending hours looking at pictures, stalking websites, and wiping my tears, I’m hoping my heart will find solace with some words…
When my husband walked away, so did some friends.
Some, I think, simply didn’t know what to say, so they chose to say nothing. And they still say nothing.
Some, I think, felt uncomfortable because of their continued friendship with Niel. As if it had to be one or the other.
Some, I think, made assumptions rather than asked questions, So they passed judgments about me, my character, and my heart.
Some… I don’t know that I’ll ever understand what happened or why. They’re just… gone.
And it hurts. Deeply.
Tonight I let myself feel it. I let the tears come for friendships lost… For histories that seem to be washed away by futures that will never be… For not knowing if the missing is mutual… For what was… For what is…
Tonight I talked to God about it—about them—for maybe the first time. And I asked Him to help me trust Him with this, even though—or maybe, because—I don’t understand it.
Tonight I’m trying choosing to “rejoice with those who rejoice”. They all seem very happy, and I want to simply be happy with and for them.
Tonight my heart is letting go… And saying goodbye to those I never got a chance to.
And I pray I never stop loving. Stop letting people in. Stop trusting. Stop showing my heart.
Because I know love isn’t love if there’s no risk involved.
@larainec says:
id like to give you a hug right now!
i cant imagine how much that hurts, praying for you!
@bahava says:
ohhhh, girly, praying for you right now and hurting alongside you…friendships lost make my heart ache…hoping that tomorrow er today now brings some laughter your way. though, tears are a language He understands too… love you and your heart that continues to be risky…
@pa3cia says:
=( *big hug*
it pains me to see that you are feeling this way my friend.
@atangie says:
To be able to articulate all this tells me that you are trusting God, as risky as it always is, and that is a miracle. You are in good company; Jesus knows what it is to have a betrayed heart bearing in his chest. For what it’s worth, you got me. I am praying especially for this for you today. Love you! I am proud of you!
@moweezle says:
It makes my heart hurt that yours is hurting too! Long distance hug sent to you right now!
I’m glad, even thought it means tears, that you are able to face this pain. Because it has been there, it is there, and it will be there. It needed to be talked about with God, too.
Not from the same reason, but from others, we’ve had friends that disappeared. It hurts.
Hang in there. You are loved, and those who were silent are the ones who lost out.
@gritandglory says:
i know you’ve walked this road… thank you, ellie.
Love you, Beece!
Shew……I can feel the emotions as I read this post and my heart too hurts for you. However, there are new friendships waiting on the wings and well all of us that love you and choose to look past all the grit to see the real you that is still very much there…..we’ll make up for all those lost friendships! (And I agree with Ellie…..they missed out on not keeping you around! :)) Hugs girl!!!
@gritandglory says:
oh the friendships “found” have been more than amazing. MORE than amazing!
i’m grateful for yours…
@bajanpoet says:
I ♥ u.
Hugs
Standing with u…
Alece you really are in the thick of it all right now. You know, you maybe can’t see it from where you are sitting but you are beautifully and gloriously reflecting God’s grace. In your hurt you run to Him. In your reactions you honour Him. In your pain you speak the truth in love and praise Him. God is in the business of giving beauty for ashes. It’s okay to feel how you feel. You are working it through. I know I’ve said before a bit of my journey and it is so so so similar to yours. I hurt with you knowing how a nasty email and lost relationships continue to devastate long after the fact. In fact I had a big cry about my lost relationships just the other day and it’s 5 years after the fact. Girl, keep trusting in the Lord. Let Him carry you through. When you come out the other side and can start to see what He’s been doing it truly is incredible. I believe He will let you see that because it glorifies His precious name. In the meantime, please keep writing your blog b/c it is absolutely a blessing to so many!
Praying that God will uphold you especially in THE NOW.
You are blessed. The lord is going to have many good things to smile about when you wake up. I bless you with light, laughter and a sense of everlasting peace with friendships lost.
Wake up and enjoy the day! Life is such a great gift!!
Let the wind blow gently today
thanks for sharing
Ouch. Been there … and I it hurts. For me the nugget of goodness that came from all that loss was knowing that those who were left standing by me were the truest of true. They’ve been my unwavering, steadfast, no-chance-I’m-gonna-leave kind of friends. A gift.
@gritandglory says:
amen. i’ve received that same gift.
@bernardshuford says:
Wow, there’s a lot I don’t know, but the whole idea of you receiving nasty emails just shocked me. I guess what I’m saying is that you’ve done a good job of sharing your heart with “us”, but there are probably a lot of things going on that you can’t share. (I’m not at all suggesting that you should!) Sometimes we think we REALLY know someone based on a blog, but that’s not really true, because nobody should share EVERYTHING with the interwebs. Hang in there.
Just when I thought it was safe to go back in the water, I found myself missing *his* friendship. (sigh) I’m with you though. Grateful for those sticking around, staying true, feeling an even deeper love and loyalty for them — and trusting and staying open that more will be added, even better this time. ;-)
Prayers!
Love!
deb
I am sorry for your pain. {{{{HUGS}}}} I just don’t understand people who can walk away when their friend is in so much pain.
Thinking of you Alece and praying everyday for healing and comfort!
@gritandglory says:
thank you for this, laura. means a lot.
So sorry. It’s hard to imagine friends walking away in a time like this. Praying God will give you the strength to keep going and heal your heart.
*ouch* Been there, got the t-shirt. You know, the first thing that came into my mind was “refiner’s fire” – the friends that you still have are the real thing, and very precious. A different season = different friends, and God has them ‘specially chosen. I had none left. Not. A. One. I started again from Ground Zero. It hurt badly. But in the long run, years down the road, I saw that this allowed me to move forward, instead of being mired in a place of pity (self & others) & revisiting what happened over & over. Because that’s human nature. And it’s counter-productive to healing. When the wound keeps being reopened, it just can’t heal. Take comfort in the understanding that God has a plan.
my heart hurts for your heart. i can’t think of a good word to rep the “ouch” and “ouch” just isn’t adequate. praying for you today.
Alece, when we had coffee together in December I remember you saying that you can tell when your heart is becoming tender toward those who have wronged you when you talk to God about them. I’m so thankful for your example…that even as you’re in the darkest valley of your life, you’re obedient to lifting these men and women to God. Seriously, it really encourages me in this season I’m in, to really present “my people” to God…
@gritandglory says:
thank you for that reminder. i needed it…
Oh Alece, my heart hurts for you. It’s hard enough losing the one you love, but to lose those friends as well. On a much smaller scale–I’ve been in your shoes. At a certain point I had to decide whether the season of those friends was officially over or not. God places people in our lives for a reason and it’s up to Him how long they stay. Think about what you have taken away from these people–what God has placed before you–and embrace the leaving as the start of something new and wonderful. **hugs** For what it’s worth, if you ever want to grab coffee sometime, I’m your girl. ;o)
–morgs
Acknowledge the wound and then walk in the grace God provides. I don’t know the parts of the hearts of those who have walked away. I can guess because of the things that go on in my own heart, but its the twisted piece of lost friendship, I can’t know their motivations, or hurts, whatever caused the break. When I let Him, He grows compassion inside of me for them, and heals the places where reconciliation this side of heaven may never happen, and yes, rejoice with them, and weep with them, even from a distance.
@cassgirl says:
If it stills means something…
…My toes are nippy from the Pacific coast surf
… standing
@gritandglory says:
of course i appreciate your prayers, heidi!
praying and sending love your way.
huge step friend. HUGE. the letting go areas in your heart are making room for new friends, new experiences, and a bigger – softer place for His love to land :) praying
thinking of you… praying for you…
@gritandglory says:
i always smile when i hear from you, marjie. thank you.
Your bravery is so refreshing… my heart reaches out to you.
@gritandglory says:
thank you, BG.
@jclayville says:
silence speaks volumes, doesn’t it?
i love you, my sweet alece… and i am SO glad you’re allowing yourself to feel all this as much as it hurts. mourning it is good. i know how that is. it’s ok.
however, tomorrow… remember you are now surrounded by some of the closest friends you’ve ever had. some you may never have met or been drawn to if this hadn’t happened.
classic Job story. you must mourn the loss of all the good you once had… but now rejoice in the “better” that God has blessed you with. the best is yet to come, my love.
you are my hero.
@gritandglory says:
hero? no… but friend? yes. very grateful yes.
If I could give you a big hug right now, I would. The grieving part of all this is so challenging and painful. Like a roller coaster ride you sweep up in the good times, the possibilities, the freedom… the bad times suck you down like a sandbagged gangster thrown in the bay for dismissal.
You are well on your way to happier days. The decisions you’re making, the fears you’re tackling, and the dreams you refuse to let die all empower you to heal and be made whole.
I believe in you girl.
@gritandglory says:
this meant a lot. thanks, angus.
I’m totally going to go all cliche’ and post a song lyric, but this is what I thought of when reading this…so deal. :)
“Or wherever you are, breath out and breath again.
Know that life is hard but it’s worth the breathing.
Listen to me now, the love of loves is waiting for you just to say…
Here come better days.”
- Better Days by the Robbie Seay Band
Praying for you, Alece.
@gritandglory says:
so not cliche. sending song lyrics is you speakin’ my language. perfect. thank you.
I am so sorry for what you’ve lost. And I’m sorry for those who chose to let you go. Because I know what they are missing. And I am holding onto you for dear lied. My world is better for having you in it.
AMEN SISTA FRIEND!
what we chose to let go was someone who loved the internet more than the people in her life or ministry. not friendship. I would call it followesr. she lost followers but has found new ones – who don’t know the half of it and never will because you will never really share life. you can share screen space but is a different ball game in life.
Well, “another,” [Or anonymous, or silently watching, or however you want to refer to yourself today] … when you want to come and give your real name, we can have a real conversation. I’m sure Alece would even be willing to have a real conversation. But when you come and make accusations without standing by them, they fall empty.
I am not crazy enough to think that relationships don’t hurt on both ends. But I am smart enough to know what I see with my own eyes and in my own experiences. I’m not someone who just shares screen time with Alece. I’ve lived with her in my home, and I was much more important to her than the internet. She works online and has friends online, but she looked me square in the eye and put me first.
I don’t follow anyone but Christ. And I’m grateful He has put her in my life. My real life. The one where we sat face to face. That’s the woman I know. And the friend I am grateful to have.
Holding on to friends is so hard. I am sorry for your loss, and you are so right to grieve it. But as Jenni said, this may just reveal your truest friends of all.
I am sorry for the losses you’ve sustained over these last several months but I hope you can see the reconstruction is already well under way. I love how you are running full on into the grief, shaken by it but not moved. I love how you are letting your pain be a beautiful testament of God’s grace. You are a leader by design and an example by choice.
You have the heart of a warrior, running toward a fight as daunting as the one Thrive Africa attempts to tackle. By the grace of God, you are brave, true and unwavering.
I know some of us may seem like strange fans at this stage – since you haven’t met many of us in person. But I have to agree with Jenni – I believe God is surrounding you with people who will love you for the rest of your life without judgment, reservation or hesitation and stand with you when the going gets tough. You are in a pretty tight spot right now and instead of being repulsed or pushed away, some really incredible and faithful people are being drawn to you.
You can’t figure that out logically. It can only be explained by God’s intervention.
Speaking as the leader of this little collective of supporters, we love you and want to do all we can to help you through this time in your life and beyond.
I’m reminded of Jesus after he preached some hard things and “from that time many of His disciples went back and walked with Him no more.” (John 6:66).
There is healing in your tears. And in acknowledging the deep hurt of their silence and leaving rather than stuffing it down or in being all cheery and smiley and like, “It’s okay!” When it isn’t. There is a time to weep and a time to mourn, as it says in Ecclesiastes. The healing increases in your heart every time you choose to pray for them, and choose to rejoice for those that rejoice. Maybe they are weeping with you as you weep in ways you don’t know.
Sometimes it feels like the pain keeps going. I wish that it could be contained, and then I am reminded it spills into areas that you never considered. I too have lost a dear dear friend for now. I chose to speak the truth and she didn’t (or hasn’t yet) responded the way I hoped. She is silent and has been for months. I keep hoping for an email or phone call. But this can drive me mad. I miss her dearly. But it is no longer my choice. I will choose to be her friend from a distance and in my heart.
@gritandglory says:
i hate that for you. because i know what it feels like for your heart to hold her breath like that…
In these past few weeks of following you around the country, I have been amazed by the courage & humility in which you acknowledge your feelings. There have been many highs & a few lows. I remember reading tweets back in mid-May from your support group about a comment. I finally read the comment that started that tweet-up of support & love via the link on Jenny Rain’s blog today.
I don’t understand why people feel the need to lash out. Anonymously. Just as with the death of a loved one, there must be stages of grief to go through with the loss of a relationship. Those stages aren’t always comfortable, but they seem to be growth spurts to me. I don’t have to like my feelings, but I must acknowledge them. If I don’t, they get lost in the pain & misery. Bringing them into the light takes away the power they held in the dark recesses of my broken brain. It helps in the healing. The lesson isn’t always sent by memo from God. The lesson may not be realized until some time later. Then that ah-ha moment!
Your heart is healing, Alece. You heart will be enriched by these tough times. Because you keep the focus on your work & how it came to be. Diving into work is probably cathartic & somewhat sad at the same time. But, you hold your head high & march on as God directs. Not as “anonymous” tries to direct. It’s a bump in the road. Hang in there. You have waaaay more supporters than hecklers. I know we have to pray for those hecklers & love them, but we don’t always have to like them! March on, Alece!
@gritandglory says:
this meant so much to me, shellie. thank you. just… thank you.
Alece, I saw this quote on PraiseAndCoffee and thought it was very appropriate for a relationship in my life, and hope you will also be able to use it:
“Dare to forgive and trust God to protect your heart. ”
Here’s the link to their page: http://fb.me/CUI806NL (via @PraiseAndCoffee)
In Christ,
Natalie Mallard
Thanks for sharing that quote!
@gritandglory says:
such a good challenge for my heart. thank you, natalie!
Loss hurts. Grieving sucks. Important and necessary, but sucky nonetheless. (Is “sucky” a word? idk) I know you are weary, friend. I am here, standing in the gap for you, standing beside you and holding up your arms in the midst of the battle. Sometimes we just need someone to hold on for us when we can’t do it anymore, to believe for us when we can’t find it for ourselves. I’m holding and believing for you.
Love and hugs, friend, love and hugs.
I don’t have a lot of words in response to this, but my heart is feeling a lot of feelings in response for sure.
I love you, lots.
Hey friend,
I wanted you to know you haven’t lost me. I know I have been quiet lately. Sadly it did come down to choices, but it wasn’t a hard one for me. I love you.
@elainaavalos says:
I’ve been trying to find adequate words. And I don’t have them. I guess I can only say that my heart aches for you. But, I’m happy to know that you see that love requires that risk and that you’re willing to do it.
@aeg0707 says:
Thank you for this. Sometimes it still can quiet my soul the emotion I feel for those people no longer around my heart. I miss the friends we had, I wholly miss his family, I still grieve for a friendship lost with him. Thank you for showing me it’s okay. I can walk back through those times and rejoice in their happiness.
Thank you for being so open. I so need it sometimes.
Ohhhhhhh. {That’s me, sighing. That’s my heart, hurting.}
I know about lost friends. And I’m sad for all that you have lost. It’s just so unfair! I know, I know. That’s not the right response. I know. But still. I wish love didn’t hurt so badly sometimes.
I love your conclusion about saying goodbye and rejoicing. I need to really think that through in relation to a couple friends who I’ve lost…thank you…
@gritandglory says:
sigh… thank you for your loving notes this past week, mary. they’ve been…perfect.
Another-alece was very respectful in her post. She did not call u out by name yet u felt like u needed to with her. While of course I don’t know everything nor is it any of my business, your character is revealed by the words u spewed from your keyboard. Grace and love go a long way my friend.
It appears Another has taken their post down. But I will say that it was uncalled for. Alece has no “followers,” she has a support system of friends that won’t judge her because we are all flawed except to the One who made us. Alece doesn’t make herself out to be a holier than thou Christian and should be commended for her courage for not trying to pretend like everything is fine. Being a Christian is more than a fish on the back of your car. It’s about compassion, forgiveness, acceptance, and doing our best to live the life God fully wants us to live.
Alece, you are loved by God and by all of us. Don’t let the enemy try to discourage you through others.
@danielleH says:
Your willingness to keep your heart tender to God, to people, to ministry is such a risk…I’m sorry that it has to be one but I’m proud of you for being amazing…I love you.
Hi there. I am so glad I stopped by. I loved reading your blog tonight, and I love learning about your ministry. We are currently in Thailand where we are directing an orphanage for girls. We are loving it, but it is definitely the hardest thing we’ve ever put our hands to on so many levels. Lots of grit and not-much-seen glory. Thanks for you post here. I think it connects with so many of us who have been hurt by those closest to us. {I am linking the post on my site Monday morning.} Thanks for sharing so honestly.
@gritandglory says:
holla!!! ;)
welcome to the grit, laura. lookin’ forward to getting to know more about you and your work in thailand.
oh, Alece…I feel this so much.
It isn’t just grieving my husband walking out, but its the friends we had, his family, his friends that became mine and then left too…
Yes….
Just beautiful. Beautiful.
ps: what is your email?!?! is it Alece@thriveafrica.com? is it .org? .co.za?!? I need to still email you photos of my ink!
@gritandglory says:
there’s so much loss and “death” to grieve, isn’t there?
(and my email is alece @ gritandglory.com)
marvelous. Just sent it off to you! :)
….. and yes, yes there is.
Oh, I long for heaven…no more death or tears. Glory! glory! for that day.
I think my heart needs to mime how it’s feeling.
Sad face.
Agonizing cries.
Hands pulling hair.
Hands reaching out.
Hands clutching heart and pouring it on the floor.
Arms open wide.
A fierce hug.
And tears. So, so many tears.
I am so sorry, my friend. I’m sorry they did that to you. You didn’t deserve it. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.