four-minute friday: STORY (so far)
Go.
My heart is teetering on the edge right now. Let’s see if four minutes of rambling balances things out a bit, or ever-so-slightly causes me to tilt even further into the abyss…
My time at STORY has been incredible so far. It’s just been so packed that I don’t feel as though I’ve had time to process anything yet. I’ve taken furious notes, and have gotten so many great nuggets out of each speaker… but I’m not sure I know how to answer the “how is STORY?” question. I’m gonna need some breathing room to go back through all my notes and really chew on everything that’s marinating in my heart right now. (I think that analogy is stemming from my growling stomach at the moment. iHunger. Clearly.)
Soaking in God’s presence as Kari Jobe led worship yesterday morning was by far one of the highlights for me. I get lost in music. Yet I feel God uniquely find me in that place. I think I love music even more because of that paradox.
Another highlight has for sure been all the great conversations I’ve had. I’ve been able to spend time (too brief, as always) with so many amazing people. I seriously am overwhelmed to tears by the stellar people God’s put in my life. I feel undeserving to run with such giants. So, so thankful. And so, so humbled.
Okay – it’s your turn. Give me four minutes of … anything. Please?
Done.
Four minutes, huh?
I’m in a hotel room in Colorado Springs right now … greatly enjoying the relaxation and peace. Am going to connect with my youngest brother later today before flying back to MN tomorrow.
All of my news is basically on the DL from someone somewhere! So I don’t know how to make four minutes out of a whole bunch of classified stuff.
I’m going through a ecrovid.
I’m looking for a free reywal.
I’m gnivom to iainrofilac.
And there’s a whole lot of amard that I can’t even go into.
But life is awesome.
Done.
Ooooh! Got first comment! It’s been so long, that I just had to say something. :)
Okay, here’s more on me.
My heart mostly feels like it’s in a washing machine. There are moments when I feel like I can find “up,” but those moments are grounded SOLELY in my heart, and not in anything in the rational, or even expected universe. God has altered my internal self (perspective, outlook, expectation) so materially in the last two months that I barely recognize my own self. And yet the new looks so much still like me … but nothing I ever anticipated I would or could look like. The new me, quite frankly, would earn censure, condemnation, judgment, accusation, and ridicule from virtually every Chistian who was raised the way I was. And yet I’m not willing to turn around, look back, or get off this ride. God is showing me a side of himself that I think few traditional “Christians” ever see. And I am totally fine with making him the center of my universe and forgetting every voice that might try to hold me back. Even my own. These days, I have enough on my plate just staying centered and knowing I’m on the right course even when everything is washing-machine-crazy around my head. Meaning that my greatest challenge right now is me. The next chapter of my life might look absolutely nothing like the first chapter. But I trust the Author of me, and I’ll let him keep writing. I know it will be a happy ending regardless.
And all of that ^^ has nothing to do with the ecrovid.
@kamriereed says:
Right now I have a crazy weekend planned. The last couple of weeks have been emotional roller coasters that has led me to this moment. I continue to fight with emotions and expectations amidst a busy schedule.
Why is everything happening now? Last month I was board stiff I could have taken a little bit of this chaos back then.
It seems like God is trying to overwhelm me to the point of complete surrender. It is fabulous (that was sarcastic)
Go.
I woke up today, snuggling my girls and painfully aware of the girls of the same age that were being forced into prostiution both close to home and on the other side of the world. It messed with my heart today. Again.
And I needed to do something. Set them free. Today. And I felt overwhelmed by not knowing how I could help today. So I prayed.
I felt as if that wasn’t enough. God is showing me that 1. prayer does work and 2. sometimes it’s the only thing I can do. After all, I’m not going to Cambodia TODAY. Prayer will change things. Prayer will begin things. I know God will reveal strategy as we continue to walk this path.
I make myself laugh at times because it seems this is all I talk about. Then I got a text from an unsaved relative asking how I find the stregnth to stay on task with this work and how I avoid being depressed by the facts. Because of my struggle with needing to do something today I was able to seriously witness to my family. Some people that I’ve been praying about for a long, long time.
I find myself amazed that human trafficking work can lead to witnessing.
Done.
this happens to me. my heart’ll get stuck on something and be wrecked for days. weeks. it’s a simultaneous blessing and curse.
and yes, waiting and praying never seems to be enough. I think that’s why God keeps me there, to reteach and reteach and reteach me that waiting and prayer CAN be enough. it can be exactly what you’re supposed to do. doesn’t mean I don’t hate it.
Four Minutes.
Today:
read on my Kindle 3, ate, watched a half-dozen tv shows on Hulu with my wife, snacked, blogged, read other people’s blogs, got ready for a garage sell, about to go on a double-date.
Today’s Big Thought:
Am i social or a user of social media?
I’ll spare you 4 ACTUAL minutes and just tell you about today. ;o) That will take less time and I can type a lot of crap in 4 minutes. ;o)
Cleaned out the garage which I’ve been saying for 6 months I needed to do. Finally did it just in time for winter. Yes, winter. It’s around the corner for us here. I feel so happy that it’s done and cleaned out. AND I have a van packed to the gills of crap to get rid of.
Tonight I’m maybe going to our Mom’s Night Out. I don’t want to go. But I’m expected to go. “The coordinator should go to ALL events.” I hate shoulds, as you know. *sigh*
love you!
um. yes. unbelievable. too short of a time!
@PrudyChick says:
It was such a delight to see and hear you online. I’ve felt so overwhelmed this week at work. Of course that always happens to me the last and first weeks of the month.
I’m looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow and being “lazy”.
I started reading the book “Memory Keeper’s Daughter”, it’s extremely slow moving, but I’m intrigued by what’s going to happen that I’ll push through it.
My post today accurately describes my heart yesterday and today. Of course it should, I did write it and didn’t make things up as I went.
@bahava says:
alright. here goes.
i totally hear you about that heart teetering on the edge. that’s how i’ve been all day. not knowing if i’ll bust into a smile at how god loves me or burst into tears at how because god loves me so much that He’s throwing me into a winter of waiting well. confession: i’m definitely gonna have to chat this over with God because right now it kinda feels like He dangled some amazing thing in front of my eyes to snatch it away again in a taunting/mean way. oh life.
on the random side note. did you know that apparently if you’re a paraprofessional (think like teacher’s aide) substitute you can sub for the school nurse/media specialist? no? me either. until today. band aids, ice packs, tears, teeth falling out, dizziness and like 10 kids later…i’ve decided to write down that person’s name to make sure i don’t sub for them again! not that i didn’t like it and it went quite well, but mostly because i just think it’s wrong that someone without a nursing degree should be in that position. though, i got to see some of my kiddos and ohhhhh how my heart loved the big hugs and how one of them made a point to come hug me like five times throughout the day.
so my teetering heart…it’s still teetering and probably will teeter back and forth for a while.
and thus ends my little tirade.
love you.
First of all, I wish I had known the exact times you were on. I would have loved to seen you speak live! How exciting!
Well, so much has happened in the past few weeks. I got to a point where I felt I could be wholehearted friends with my ex, and really appreciate him for the person he is, as a friend (where do I get these ideas?). I thought it was what Christ would do, too. Our lunch together started out great, and we talked about ways we have changed in the last year. He is such a different person it’s insane. And then…
Then, he let a comment slip. A comment that he thought was funny, but brought a lot of painful memories for me. He referenced a time he was completely drunk (after we broke up) and I saw him, and he freaked out and his friend said “Don’t worry – you’re not in trouble!” and he suddenly got happy because he realized he WASN’T in trouble. That was where our relationship died. His drinking. I would get upset about it, because I don’t think getting drunk is Biblically okay… or glorifying to God, or bringing others closer to Christ, and definitely NOT sober-minded, and not something a deacon should be doing as a leader in the church…
Anyway. He said a few things after that that were really incredibly painful. And I’m stuck again.
Stuck.
But I know, I KNOW in my mind that God has forgiven me, that I have repented, that I have asked my ex’s forgiveness for confronting him on drinking, that I have changed. And yet, I am stuck feeling guilty. But I know. I know that Christ is my salvation. And that my Redeemer LIVES. He died once for all.
I rejoice in the fact that I am made new.
I am so encouraged by your blog. I am so glad to be able to read it.
Okay, end four minutes! :)
Oh, by the way, Mandy led worship at my church. She knows my ex. She is a wonderful human being, as you know.
And she loves my ex.. and yes, he is a wonderful, amazing guy. He really is. Such a great guy. Hence my guilt.
Four minutes –
Got back from a high school (my mind is still in shock over that word) camp-out with my son.
Rained the entire time so that absolutely everything we owned was totally soaked to the skin.
Chased animals out of our tent site at 3 AM.
Early breakfast, packing up wet gear, then another four hour hike/climb up over, around, and under huge boulders and rocks – again in the rain.
Fell down a crevice between two rocks – hollered and hollered but no one to hear.
Climbed my way out with only a badly bruised and scraped elbow and one broken toe to show for it – few other bruises, but those were the worst. Kept on with the kike.
Got back to the start point, stripped down into swim trunks (my son’s, since I didn’t have mine – he just used his shorts) and a t-shirt. Dove into the freezing cold, beautifully azure blue water. Swam for thirty seconds before brain freeze set in. Climbed out and wiggled into damp clothes – but at least without the grime and sweat.
Hiked back to the buses. Ate a cold hamburger, and crashed for the four hour drive home.
Now – a hot bath, bandaging my bruises, and rest.
…. but, oops, last thing my husband said as he headed out for Bible study and I limped in, “Honey, we haven’t eaten – do you think you can cook?”
Ready to clear out at the office, but working tomorrow keeps my weekend mojo at bay for another 24 hours.
As usual spent lunch with “Puff the merkel cell Dragon” aka nickname given to my nemesis via my blog contest, but did celebrate reaching the halfway point in radiation treatments for what is now round two.
Fought with the insurance company about denying all medical claims for my trip to Seattle last month…..ok maybe the seaplane ride over the city wasn’t covered as part of the shuttle service between med centers, but the tests were legit!
Made dinner reservations for the familia to celebrate my Dad’s 71st birthday tomorrow in Roswell…..3:58….3:59, gone!
i am the same way about music. . .it is my place to go when it is all crashing in. oftentimes, worshipping is the place i feel closest to the Lord. something about music helps me express my heart as well friend. . .praying for you to process it all right now friend. . .
love you and miss you . . .
four minutes: yesterday
we have ten minutes to prepare ourselves in the booth. we have ten minutes to arrange our papers, to unearth the fresh, unmarked pages in our notebooks, and to think about all the mistakes we’re about to make.
he knocks. I stand, go to the door, and invite him in. “as-salaam alaikum” falling off my lips, and he answers with condescension. “wa-alaikum salaam.” these next few hours aren’t going to be as easy as I’d hoped.
I begin with the friendlies, like how are you being treated? “how are you?” is an asinine question, yet it pops out right along with everything else.
“how am I? I’m in prison. you tell me. you brought me here, so I’m not ok. can I leave now?” I grimace, inwardly, and lean forward, elbows on knees and voice regretful. we banter for a while longer, talking about arabic music and books and familial responsibility. the small, bite-sized pieces of information he’s given me have been given begrudgingly. big surprise.
and then, something clicks. my words start falling into place. I start weaving words into the complicated fabric of a simple conversation. before long, he’s thinking the things I’ve told him to think, seeing his situation the way I see it. the way I want him to see it. I feel him drawing near to the information I need. I’m luring him in, and he doesn’t even realize that I’m transforming his reluctance toward me into a desire to do anything for me.
and then he concedes. “ok. what do you want to know?” my body relaxes. I lean back in my chair, look at him over my snow-white pages, and pause. then the questioning begins.
(yeah, my days look a lot different from working in the coffeeshop or going to a few random english classes and studying (aka: reading/writing) the rest of the day away in panera.)
Life is…confusing at times. One minute I’m on the top of the world and the next, I’m sinking into a terrible abyss. And yet, God is unchanging. That one of the things I find most awesome about Him. No matter where I go or what I do, He’s the same. Always loving. Arms wide open. Faithful.
The walls around my heart have been slowly coming down the past few days and I feel cautiously optimistic. Not ready to strip it bare and open myself up, but more ready to trust. In a lot of ways I feel like I’m not ready, but then again, life’s too short…