depth of vision

2012-07-12 14.24.35

My depth of vision has changed. 

Years ago, living in Africa, the future seemed clearly in focus. I was a farsighted dreamer, easily imagining how things would continue to take shape because of how much I loved the portrait of my life. I didn’t try to plan out the details or neurotically control the unfolding pages of my future, but it was there, ever clear in the back of my mind. Even without all the details, it was simply… there. A future I anticipated.

Now, I find myself much more nearsighted. 

The horizon is out of focus, and I can’t see which way the road bends. Everything looks blurry, as though the future is blanketed in fog. It’s all just too fuzzy and uncertain and precarious. I can’t imagine any longer what I’d even want the end of the story to be. I no longer picture where I’m headed and how I’ll get there or who I might go there with.

It used to feel like hopelessness. Like a big piece of me that had given up still hadn’t sprung back to life.

But I’m learning to accept it as a good thing, or at the very least, as simply what is. Not as something bad, or wrong, or to be fixed. It’s just a part of my new normal that I need to stop fighting against and simply embrace.

The One who holds my past, holds my future as well. So it doesn’t really matter whether or not I can see it.

My depth of vision has changed.

But His hasn’t.

Comments

13 Responses to “depth of vision”
  1. Kim Phillips says:

    Amen.

  2. Mark Allman
    @
    says:

    I am sure the future I see is what I think in my heart will fulfill me not necessarily the future that serves God”s purpose. And the past… I do not even think I have it focused right either. I am sure I think I understand the past and how it weaves in with my future but really I am sure I do not even know my own past well enough to understand what it all impacted and where it leads. Makes me think more and more I have to focus on doing what I should be doing today.

  3. Allison Johnson (@Allison0105)
    @
    says:

    Again, I’m always smiling when I read your posts because… me too…

    “The One who holds my past, holds my future as well. So it doesn’t really matter whether or not I can see it.”

    Some days I get really anxious when I think about the future. And I wrestle with my OneWord… “TRUST”… Because what if I choose to trust the wrong person, or what if I make another bad choice and there is more pain? And when I turn to Him with my questions He speaks to my heart and says…” You have to trust me first and last… Trust me in the beginning and trust me in the end… Even if the end is the complete opposite of what you wanted to happen” And sometimes I hate this… but those times are getting fewer and farther between… because the peace that comes after choosing to trust HIm with my story is good. Even if it only lasts for a moment.

    I could ramble here for hours about this stuff… it’s where I’m at. Thank you for your post. Love you, friend.

  4. Nancy says:

    I am in the same place you so eloquently write about. And my crushed dreams and a marriage are connected to Africa as well. I am praying that my broken trust is enough to keep walking…with hope.

  5. I often think about God’s name for himself, “I AM.” I think to be fully present in the moment is to be like God. I think you simply are reaching spiritual maturity. :)

  6. faith says:

    A good reminder for all of us! Even those of us who THINK we can see what’s ahead for our lives. It’s better to be blind to the future and trust the one who truly sees.

  7. I really relate to this. I never had a planned out timetable for my life, as many of my friends did, but I had at least a vague picture of what the future might hold. Now I feel I am doing well if I can set even small goals for weeks, or even days, in advance.

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