coffee talk: safety
July 29, 2009
What makes you feel safe with someone?
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@danielleH says:
it kind of sounds funny…but when they feel safe with me. it shows me they are willing to be vulnerable and trust — therefore i might be able to trust them as well.
happy birthday, yeller!!! :)
::
what if they look at it the same way? both waiting on the other to take the first trust step?
just thinking out loud here.
@danielleH says:
thank you :) :) (you even used a “:)” for my birthday…wow!!)
you have a good point and i was thinking about it as i was typing that out.
i guess, even beyond them being vulnerable, i go with my gut. obviously, if someone is critical, sarcastic (not in a joking, playful way…but in the way that is really just a “socially acceptable” critical attitude), prideful or things like that i won’t let my guard down with them. i’m sure there have been times when i trusted someone quickly because of my gut feeling of them and a connection. does that make sense?
what about you? what makes you feel safe?
I feel safe with everyone, until, by some action, they make me feel unsafe.
Things that make me begin to feel unsafe:
Violent, erratic behavior
Getting drunk, or high.
Saying, “You can trust me. Really!”
Saying, “I swear on …..”
i like the way your brain works. i need to think through the things that make me feel unsafe…
transparency
@cassgirl says:
I am a little too open to start off with, until I get burned. That’s when I shut down completely.
I won’t even breath a syllabul of their existence. Forgive them yes…breathe their name heck heaven no!!!
Trust a two street highway.
Oh yea, there are only a very few gals in my life that truly hold my heart, that’s deeper. I guess I need to know that I am safe to be just me. How do I know? When they are okay baout sharing their stuff.
It takes time and I need to be able to trust them with the little things before the big things are shared. But once trust is broken it is almost impossible to mend.
Laughter.
@atangie says:
I have never thought about it before, really.
If the person had a weapon pulled on me I wouldn’t feel too safe. Also, if they had said or done something to hurt me in the past I would be suspicious of the outcome of any future encounters.
This question you pose makes me think of this question:
Do people feel safe with me? Why or why not?
@traceepersiko says:
this is a hard question for me to answer. safety requires trust. trust is not an easy thing for me.
to know safety, I would trust the person and feel comfortable sharing, the not often vocalized, parts of me.
another area of safety for me is if i am willing to be vulnerable.
safety is a rarity for me. i am so grateful for when i do.
i’m grateful to feel BFS with you. that is a rare gem for sure.
Great question.
I tend to see people who are humble as safe. They are looking out for my best interests, even when they happen to hurt me.
What makes me feel safe with someone?
When I can just be myself.
When someone gives me their full attention. When their eyes sincerely light up when they see me, or their voice on the phone does the same.
When I’m seen, and I know the person sincerely cares about who they’re seeing.
When there’s no “I’m seeing if you measure up” look in their eyes, like every word is being weighed.
When they love me enough to hold me accountable.
When I know they can be trusted with my heart and what I’ve shared in confidence.
Two more:
Lack of competition.
Knowing that the person wants to be in relationship with me for our mutual benefit, not just her own.
When there’s a sensing on both sides of God having set up the relationship, and a mutual commitment to why.
Awesome, I totally agree with all that!
my heart said a big “yesssss!” to your list.
Wow, that is a question you really don’t think about a lot…. you just do. It takes me a really
long time to feel “safe” with someone.. Most of the time the real me is tucked away behind the person I hope they like…..I think time makes me feel safe… If they’ve known me for a while and have seen me when I’m up and seen me when I’m low..when I act stupid, or when I’m having a really off day, and they still love me anyway and are still there….that makes me feel safe…..
Being at home…being at my mom’s house.
I agree with Stacey… word for word. It takes time, and only after time has tested a relationship do I truly feel safe. I also think it takes some steps out on the ledge before time can prove or disprove anything. I think you have to risk before you can arrive at safe.
interesting that safety requires risk, eh? seems counter-intuitive, but you’re so right.
It does seem counter-intuitive. Come to think of it, many things are that way with God aren’t they? The weak are strong, the poor are rich, the last are first… God loves that kind of stuff :)
When I can blow up, cuss, cry, be emotional, overreact, be completely unreasonable and I am met with love, patience and understanding instead of hurt feelings, or an emotional reaction to match or exceed mine.
so well-said, ‘talia..
I’d have to agree.
I feel safe with someone when they care about me even though I mess up sometimes. They accept me unconditionally, and forgive me easily. Someone who does not forgive easily or who lashes out to hurt you when you hurt them on accident is not someone I can trust. Therefore, most of the time, I hold back all of myself until a person has proven they are someone I can be safe with. It takes years for me to fully trust someone.
It’s funny. Some of my safest friendships IRL are people I met and had written letters back and forth to for years, or whom I met online and had conversations that way first. Even with my Dh, in our early relationship we wrote each other letters daily. I think we have the best, most open relationship now of just about any married couple I know. We can tell each other just about anything and we love and forgive each other quickly. :)
@moweezle says:
um, this is harder than I thought. I think it all boils down to trust for me. When I can trust a someone, completely, then I feel safe with him/her to open up my heart. Not that this takes place overnight, either… its a tricky thing for me, trust.
you know your safe with someone as soon as you make eye contact i think.
you can tell what kind of safeness they are gonna give off by their body language, facial expressions, i even think in the way they interact.
i think feeling safe with someone happens in our everyday interactions without us realizing it because we are so unsafe towards people (make sense).
but this is a very interesting question…dang mamma bird i just walked it out on your blog haha.
walk it out, girl.
what do you mean “we are so unsafe towards people”?
@cassgirl says:
abd what about people you meet over the internet?
You can’t see expressions?
safety comes from what or who you know is backing you up in any situation.
comfortable silences stream from that safety…and that safety comes from the ability not to feel forced to “perform”…to be mutually accepted. just. as. i. am.
cue ingrid’s “take me the way i am”.
An open heart.
Wow, chica. This is a deep question. Deep for me because … Awhile back I’d have answered just what Angie did. (Not that Angie’s is a bad answer! Quite the reverse – she is displaying a wonderful presence of wholeness in her life and all of her relationships that is absolutely priceless.) Now … having had enough of a taste of what it really means to not feel safe … it is a much deeper answer. Mine would be very very similar to Lisa’s.
Safe is when someone sees me for me, and values everything they see.
Safe is when I am not asked to change to be worth something.
Safe is when they value what I value, and our mutual time and conversation is completely open and free.
Safe is when they value themself (is that a word?) in such a way that they don’t feel threatened by who I am, whether good or bad.
Safe is when they will cover me when I fall and help me back up again.
Safe is when they see me.
such a great list, annie. seriously. so many of those resonate with my own heart…
….when someone opens up to me when they’ve got nothing to gain by it.