Doing unto others as you’d want them to do unto you is the best way to live.
But…
It can also create the expectation that others will eventually return the favor and start doing for you as you do for them, and then bring disappointment when they don’t.
How do you live in the midst of that tension?
Talk amongst ya-selves.
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You’re 100% correct that the best way to live is “Doing unto others as you’d want them to do unto you” – imagine what a different world we would live in if before people did something, they stopped to ask themselves “How would I feel if the person I’m about to do this to had the chance to do it to me first?” Sadly, that’s now how most people go about life, but it doesn’t mean that as believers we shouldn’t still desire to live as such.
But when those icky expectations creep in, “Doing unto others as you’d want them to do unto you ” morphs into the wordly mindset of “I’ll scratch your back and you scratch mine” and that’s where it goes wrong. It’s highly unlikely love is in that equation because it’s about keeping accounts balanced – deposits and withdrawals being equitable within a reasonable amount of time.
And yet, any relationship that is consistently out of balance where one side is getting way more than the other is giving isn’t healthy. The trick is to use wisdom and sound judgment to figure out whether one person is going through a difficult season and therefore it’s normal for them to make more withdrawals than deposits, or if the relationship is always this way and therefore not healthy. Once you know what you’re dealing with, then you can decide what to do about it. Sometimes “what to do” is walking away.
I’ve been the person who has taken more from others than I gave back while going through things — before I became a believer I’d even describe my behavior as “leech-like” and it probably explains why I had so few long-term friends. God has been so gracious to make me aware of my tendency to do this. Because of this I have intentionally not “drained” any one relationship during the past 2 ½ years of hardship, I have opened up and let others into my pain when I wouldn’t have done so in the past, I’ve forced myself to be more intentional about noticing the pain in another person’s eyes (it’s amazing how easy it is to miss in the busyness of life), and I have also prayed for opportunities to be a blessing to those without any expectation of return. If I expect favors in return it’s not really blessing them. And I bless them because that’s how they will experience God.
Good things to think about, Alece. How do we balance the need to stay out of dysfunctional relationships with God’s burning desire to pour out His love through us to others – especially the unbelievers in our lives? I guess my answer is that I seek Him because He always knows what to do.
But true love is loving without expecting anything in return.
I don’t know how to do that.
Hi….you read my mind I’ve been feeling disappointed lately because new friends haven’t quite met my expectations, which leads to me being sad and questioning what I’m doing here in the first place. But I’m reminded that not everyone views things the way I do.
When I find myself expecting kindness or love in return, I consider it a wonderful reminder that I am a sinful human and my own good acts will not save me- only God’s grace can do that. I remember to rely more on Him and less on myself and try to correct my motivations in being kind/loving
@celtichebrew says:
It IS the best way to go. And unfortunately some of us learn NOT to expect things in return, just based on past experiences, with those people or others who’ve conditioned us. Sometimes (often) there is still bitterness. But sometimes there is the blessed peace deep down in my soul (sometimes so deep that I almost can’t see it) that comes from knowing that choosing to “do to others” anyway is still the way to go. That is where the blessing lies, not the “do to you” part.
I choose to be the person I would admire and free others to be who they want … then I listen to what they tell me with their actions.
@jeremykwalker says:
I think you live in the tension by making the choice to not let our need to be served in return to define us somehow…because in a way that’s what we’re doing right? We “do unto others” but when they don’t return the action we kinda feel like maybe they don’t care as much…and if we’re not careful we can go to emotional extremes on why this person is not, “doing unto us”. Have we done something wrong? Is something wrong with us?
Now, I don’t think we should let people take advantage of us…but I do think in the midst of this tension we have to make the choice to turn on this expectation no matter how tempting it is to wallow in the fact that we feel slighted on some level.
We have the ability to act, serve, and treat each other however we want…and somehow we have to realize our good actions towards others may not be returned….but that’s the beauty in free-will….even when we do unto others and receive nothing in return, we can CHOOSE to still do good…we can even choose to still do good towards those that don’t give us the time of day….and that is awesomely beautiful in my book…
@everydayawe says:
I realize that I’ve been doing this with God, too… “Okay, God. I just spent all sorts of time doing ___ for you. Now, it’s up to you to make it successful.” That almost seems like a good prayer. But in reality, it is doing something for Him and expecting something in return. His purposes may be different than mine. I should do something for Him out of love, without expectation of what He will do with it.
I think one practice that can help to grow in this area is practicing secrecy. To do things for other people without them knowing it, when we know they cannot return the favor. That can help put our motives in check.
Jesus’ words are good and true, but also much more difficult than they seem on the surface. It takes a lot of humility to truly live out the Golden Rule.
Ha! You capitalize on such a great point. The “golden rule” from a psychological standpoint could be rephrased as, “Love through projection.” Something that only works to the degree in which the other person is like you. I think possibly that living in the tension means deliberately and determinedly SEEING other people for who they are and what makes them tick … something which is only possible when we love ourselves enough to not be constantly absorbed inwardly. When we really see others, then the challenge becomes, not to do what we would want them to do to us, but to do what they have communicated or demonstrated they feel love from. I suppose the golden rule is a good default position if you don’t know the other person in some regard … for instance treating the lady in the checkout line with kindness and courtesy because that’s what you would wish if you were in her shoes. But if you do know them … paying attention to THEM is of utmost importance … and sometimes stretches us beyond what we would ususlly feel comfortable with. Some people need honest EXTREMELY blunt communication. Some people need soft, subtle communication. Neither is “right” or “wrong” but if two such different people were to meet, the one would be invariably challenged to tone down the bluntness for the sake of the other person, and other other would be challenged to be uncomfortably bold in their communication. Man.
For me … ah, I am being challenged in so many ways with this. When you really desire to LOVE people (as I do), not reacting with an inward focus is paramount. And yet I’m still human, with basic desires as well. How do I balance that? Where is the love balance between two individuals who both desire good for the other and yet cannot leave themselves in the dust either? I think that is really the supreme challenge of life, because in it is the balance of love, and consequently the balance of the universe.
Very thought-provoking, Alece. Thanks. :)
@ScribeTH says:
The golden rule is a good one… however, you make a good point? Is it setting you up for let down? Of course it is! As long as you expect something in return… but we are called not to expect something in return… so let us do unto others… with love, grace, forgiveness… and just hope it rubs off or plants a seedlet…
As for me… coffee with a friend is a great tension breaker, lol.
@tamhodge says:
i have learned that if you do good for someone else while expecting something in return then you don’t deserve it. the intent was wrong in the beginning.
that just means you weren’t doing good for them, you were doing good for you. I always look at it that way…. am I doing this so that *I* receive thanks, or am I doing this for them and expecting NOTHING (not even a thank you) in return?
@hopefulleigh says:
I went to an HR-required seminar this past spring and it was all about the Platinum Rule. Do unto others as *they* would want to be treated. It’s a good way to flip our eyes off of ourselves and consider the way we want to be treated or how we feel loved is not necessarily true of the person sitting next to us.
Funny. My best friend speaks the language of debt, “I owe you, you owe me”. It’s been a huge growing opportunity for me :) It has driven home for me just how much I have done the same thing, just unconsciously. I come from a family that rarely asks each other for help, we offer, but rarely ask. I’d like to say that it’s because we’re so incredibly wonderful, but really, it’s pride as much as anything. My friend, on the other hand, prefers to never be alone, so if her husband is not home, I get called a lot (we’re neighbors). For some time, I popped over every time she asked. Those favors rarely got returned, she’s a busy woman with a bunch of kids and volunteer projects. I started to resent that. She would say, “I owe you” and I would resent that too, since I was helping out of the goodness of my heart, not to earn favors and if she was really my friend, she should return the favor out of the goodness of her heart, not because she owed it to me. It was a bit embarrassing when I finally thought that one through. Anyhow, I have learned to say no, and I have learned to respond to, “I owe you” with “Don’t be silly, I’m just doing this because I’m so awesome :)” and truly mean it. Learning that has also allowed me to remember why I liked my friend so well in the first place, because of what she is, not what she can do for me, or what I think I have to do for her.
Give, Give, Give!!
I have found a new joy in giving! It is nice to be able to give to others as Jesus gave himself for us. I enjoy seeing the look of appreciation on people’s faces. If they don’t return it or show appreciation it just means they aren’t at the point in there life to do so. I used to be there. And it is because of those who gave to me that i am the way i am today.
Here is the secret…Jesus returns it all!!!
Love!
This post struck a chord here.
I almost always keeped a “balance” of these sorts of favours.
Only recently I’ve started to not care if it’s returned but sadly not because of wholeheartly goodness :( but because of cynism.
I have a more than average consciousness and intelligence from what I gathered, so I can really grasp some problems easily and more effective in some fields.
So I just do things/favour for other people because it makes me feel better about myself and feel more useful.
I call it altruistic selfisness…. the act of giving so you can feel better about yourself.
My cynism really doesn’t help me find a higher purpose. I believe we are selfish beings because of our natural and social environment and that really bugs me as I can FEEL there really is a connection beyond my own consciousness. This connection brings me hope that one day I’ll be truly conscious and truly and wholeheartedly loving…
Until then I feel broken but I rather ‘fake it till I make it’ doing some good than be a complete parasite.