boundaries
September 15, 2007
It seems as though this is something I’ve been trying to improve on forever, but I’m reminded again of my need to set better boundaries. Arranging my priorities and setting limits that will enable me to do what I want to do. I so easily sacrifice what I want to do for what I think I “should do” or what people expect me to do. I have a hard time saying “no” to personal requests, for fear of hurting or disappointing people. But then the day ends with me looking back and feeling blah about how I spent my time.
I don’t like that feeling. I don’t like the sense that my time, energy, and attention have been hijacked.
It’s time for me to start setting clearer boundaries. And to stick to them.
Have you found ways to do this in your own life?
Don’t laugh….but having a baby really helped me discover my boundaries and priorities. Now granted it’s easier to say, “No I have to manage the baby”, but it so many ways it’s true. One thing that Heather told me after I became a mom that has really saved me is that never say, “Yes” right away…..always say, “Let me look at my calendar and get back to you okay?” If people need an answer right away you simply say, “Sorry, I can’t.” I’ve found that if people need you bad enough they will usually wait for the yes or no later. :) I take this route all the time and it helps me from over committing myself and going crazy in the long run.
I agree with Sarah…having Silas changed this for me… suddenly my choices about time and commitments also had a direct effect on someone in addition to me. Even when things are tricky (like planning time arrangements for trips home over holidays, etc..) I have more confidence doing what is best for me, because I think it is also what’s best best for my family.
In a way… I see the ministry as your family right now. By doing what’s best for Alece with boundaries…the ministry gets a better you… a complete, not weighed-down you.
funny – i was gonna say the same things – use the kids as an excuse. overall too, i think we have pulled back and are “reevaluating” doing everything. this season has been a non-busy one on purpose. even to family, we will say “no, we need a family day” so that the four of us can be together. most people respect that. you and niel i’m sure could use one!
I agree with the three ahead of me. In some ways I have a small grasp of this, and in other ways I could defnitely use improvement. Sometimes just the benefit to yourself can be motivation enough … but sometimes the benefit to those who are affected by you is a better motivation. I set plenty of boundaries right now because of how it will affect my husband. In myself, I may feel tempted to stretch a boundary for this reason or that, but knowing that it will have a direct affect on him makes me better able to stick to the boundaries I really want to keep. Perhaps find what or who this is for you?
I took a great class called Life 301 through TrueLifeCoaching.com. It gave me a new definition of integrity (having my thoughts, words and actions be motivated by the same values and priorities). This helped me sort a lot of things out. We established priorities & values. I was able to identify things that charge and drain my life battery. I was able to dismiss some of the drains and make sure I participated in chargers. It is a really great class that I would highly recommend. They offer classes around the US & some by phone. Not sure what access to it would be like from your locale, but you could check out the web-site. Melinda Knight was my coach.
I could have sworn that I left a really helpful comment here about always referring to my calender before making decisions. Hm. I promise it was good. …..mumble grumble….