Are You there, God? It's me, Alece. I know I haven't been talking to You as much as I used to. I know I haven't in a long time. I'm sorry for that. It's just hard, you know?
You feel really far away, and life has sucked for a long time now, and I really just don't know what to say. Maybe that sounds silly, but it's true. My words ran out a long time ago---for myself, for others, and even for You.
I just don't know what to talk You about.
Not because there isn't anything to tell You or ask You, but because there's so much. So much that when I open my mouth, tears come out my eyes. How does that work?? There's a question for You...
I know I'm supposed to be talking to You. I know You want me to. I know You're probably talking to me and I'm just not listening closely enough to hear what You're saying.
So I guess in some ways, talking to You just reminds me of how much I fall short. Again.
And I'm tired of not getting things right. Of not being enough. And so I avoid the reminder that comes with talking to You. I know that's a sucky thing to say, and an even suckier thing to feel. I'm sorry, God.
I know prayer isn't about changing Your mind, but changing my perspective. But I also know You say that prayer can change situations. And honestly, I'm wrestling with my theology on all that at the moment.
Faith isn't as easy as it was when I was a kid.
And now I question so much about how and what I used to believe... It feels like I don't know what is true and right and You anymore.
What good would come of telling You that I'm crying (again), and how much I hate it? Or that I feel stuck but don't have it in me to un-stuck myself? (And don't even really want to?) What good would it do to tell You how badly I feel, and how much my body hurts, and how tired I am of being exhausted and in pain? You already know all those things. And I'm weary of saying the same things over and over, even if they're just in my own head.
So yeah... I've grown quiet. Please don't take it personally. I'm really pretty quiet with everyone.
But will You do me a favor? (Can I even ask You that?)
Will You please just let me know You're still there, standing close? That way, when I'm ready to talk, I know You'll be listening...
Opening up this space for you to scribble out your own honest, conversational heart-prayer.. Will you let your guard down and pray with me--- no holds barred?