Re-entry's been rather bumpy. I don't know if it's that my heart hasn't caught up with the rest of me yet or what. But I've had an emotional few days since getting back from my dreamcation.
Actually it started my last night on the cruise ship.
The moment I put my head on my pillow to go to sleep, my mind started reeling. My thoughts bounced between Africa and Atlanta. They ricocheted between past, present, and future. And I felt anxiousness taking over my heart. Physically felt it.
It was as though someone was sitting on my chest.
My eyes kept filling with tears even though I was willing myself not to cry. No amount of melatonin or prayer worked to knock me out. I was up all night, tossing and turning.
As we pulled into port and I began the long day of traveling back to the east coast, I was overwhelmed with a sense of not belonging. Anywhere.
And all week I haven't been able to shake the anxiety, doubts, and insecurities. The panic-attack-esque chest pressure keeps returning. And yesterday I just couldn't seem to stop crying.
Tonight is a bit better, after a worship service at church. As "my song" started, I heard God's whisper in my heart. Even when I feel unwanted, unneeded, and like I don't belong, it's okay. Because even when no one else is, He is jealous for me.
I'm gonna be repeating that over and over as I head to bed. And as I start my day tomorrow.
Because my heart still feels very tentative. Tender. Sensitive. My emotions are still brewing just beneath the surface. And the tears keep coming.
But my battle-weary heart feels a tiny bit stronger than it did this morning.
And for that I'm grateful.