bittersweet
Most of my friends are married.
That’s just what happens when you’re married for 9 years. Even when you suddenly… aren’t.
I love my married friends. Love them.
But if I’m being most honest, it’s bittersweet to spend time with them and their husbands.
The Sweet—
I enjoy their men and have a blast when we’re all together. I love watching my friends come alive in unique ways when they are with their husbands. I find joy in observing their interactions, of seeing the love between them in the smallest of things: unconscious gestures, a kiss on the top of her head, a hand-hold, him unloading the dishwasher while she cooks. I love seeing my friends treated well.
The Bitter—
I am painfully aware of what I don’t have, of what I’ve lost. I ache even for things I now realize I never had to begin with. It makes me miss so much. I miss being held. I miss having endless history and still so much to discover. I miss having someone to call mine who loves calling me his.
I hesitate to say any of this because I don’t want people to be self-conscious in front of me.
Just this weekend I shared these thoughts out loud with a married friend for the very first time.
I also told her that I don’t want her to change anything.
I don’t want people to walk on eggshells when I’m around or be less affectionate with their spouses.
Because there are moments when the bitter and the sweet collide in a beautiful symphony that leaves me hopeful.
I become hopeful for what could be, for what might be. I become hopeful to see and understand how I deserve to be treated. I become hopeful that I may get to experience that someday.
So, married friends, don’t change anything when I’m with you and your husband.
And, single friends, listen closely for that beautiful symphony of hope when you’re around married couples.
It’s right there in the bittersweet.
@tamhodge says:
so funny you wrote this. this has actually been on my mind.
while my heart is heavy for you. i also know that you are genuinely happy for your married friends.
a collision, indeed.
and i promise you we will be ‘us’, the real us when we’re together. and youll see first hand what a dork brent is.
@gritandglory says:
i can’t wait!
take nose plugs. just sayin.
@ventigrace says:
one of the things God did in my heart in this few days of solitude- was remind me of the treasures in my life, namely the treasure found in Davers, Siloh and Peabz. In their absence, I realize how gifted all of my moments are with them- even when the moments begin to feel mundane and effort-full- really, they are extraordinary. Thank you for helping to solidify that this morning.
He’s not done with you yet sistah!! I’m thinking there is an orchestra being set up right now, tuning those instruments to one day play your tune!
@Nomadstacey says:
Lots of living in the ‘sweet spot’ talk on The Grit this week. The sweet spot between hope and surrender. The sweet spot in the collision of bitter and sweet. I keep going back to a comment you left on your last post that said ‘Maybe we’re supposed to live in the tension and not be in fully one place or another’. Maybe it’s the season you (and I) find yourself in…learning the gray. I know I’m not very good at seeing gray. I am very black and white. In the car yesterday I started mulling this over…God calling each of us into His gray area of not either/or but both. How beautiful is that? That we have a God who is full of seeming contradictions, but powerful enough to hold both opposing things in His hands. I don’t understand it. This logical mind can’t grasp it. But I’m starting to realize…it’s ok if I don’t as long as I trust Him.
Also, fun new nickname for each other could be Grayness instead of A-ness. Just sayin’
@gritandglory says:
God is definitely the God of seeming contradiction. He is three, and He is one. He is merciful, and He is just. He is strongest in weakness, brightest in darkness.
so i know that while it seems contradictory to me to try to embrace hope and surrender at the same time, i know it makes perfect sense to Him.
and i really do think i’m called to live in that tension rather than try to find the balance. even though it’s uncomfortable. and messy.
always love hearing your thoughts, little grey! ;)
I get this..even never having been married before. The “awwww” “so sweet” “where is mine?” I love being around couples, especially those that love each other well. I just have to think and pray…someday.
But then there are times when I think, “Bless her. I could NEVER be married to him.”
@tamhodge says:
i KNEW thats what you were thinking when we all hung out!
uh huh, but then I hung out with YOU a bit more and thought, “well, I guess they deserve each other.” ;)
@tamhodge says:
mmmm…. well played!
8-D
you KNOW i love you guys! i do think you deserve each other but in a “you are both amazing, hilarious, and deep” sort of way.
and i have discovered that i like putting a voice to my thoughts, “yes, it is very nice indeed!”
@tamhodge says:
ohmydangwoman…i totally love you!
Wow. Lindsey with the serious burn. I suddenly am going to be a lot more cautious when I leave comments on your blog! :)
be afraid. be very afraid.
@gritandglory says:
i have thought that before too. quite a few times!
and while it’s still a challenge to say this out loud, i would truly prefer to stay single than step back into a relationship like i had in my marriage.
@maryjohess says:
((Hugs))
I totally understand what you feel. Been there. Done that.
And all I can say is you WILL see it for yourself one day.
You WILL.
((hugs))
*I used to say I felt like a 3rd nostril* – which, translated, means, I totally get this – I didn’t get married til I was 38, and was often the only single in the group. And sometimes I’d look around & think, “I’d rather be single”.
And now – well, I don’t walk on eggshells around my single friends. But we both try to be sensitive – especially since we’ve been there. Keep with the hope & the honesty! *hug*
@gritandglory says:
i get the desire to be sensitive. and i appreciate that. i just fear that some will take that to an extreme of being not-themselves around me. and that makes me sad.
@mandythompson says:
Hopeful with you, friend. Hopeful with you…
@gritandglory says:
thank you for encouraging me to blog this out…
@PrudyChick says:
It’s hard when you’re the married friend and want to be sensitive to the other person’s feelings. I always want to be cautious when commenting here about mentioning my husband and the love we share. I don’t want to add to your hurt. I may not walk on egg shells but will do my best to remain sensitive.
@gritandglory says:
i really really really understand that desire to be sensitive. and the heart behind that means so much to me. but some of the hurt just needs to be felt and faced and walked through. and i’d rather do that in the context of loving friendships where we can all be fully ourselves. i don’t know if that makes sense. but it’s like… friends who can still be themselves in front of me, make it easier for me to be real in return (about the struggles and joys in my own life).
@PrudyChick says:
You got it girl. Love ya.
@Nomadstacey says:
You are so brave and so strong, Gr-Ay-ness
@atangie says:
Singles, divorcees, barren couples, injured sports champs, laid off employees, innocent prisoners, persecuted missionaries, refugee dwellers, Jesus on the cross… all shunned.
But one thing is needful: and you have chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from you.
I am proud of you for not falling prey to the Older Brother Syndrome. You are not sitting outside moping while there is a party going on for someone else. The Father says, ” Thou art ever with me, and all that I have is thine.”
@gritandglory says:
ooooooh. i hadn’t connected this to the older brother in the prodigal story… i’mma be pondering that one. thanks, gigi!
@atangie says:
Sure nuff, little sister.
I feel like this around my stay-at-home mom friends…of which I have many. :)
It’s something I long to have and, sometimes, I can feel Satan urging me to feel resentful and angry toward these friends. It’s hard to watch someone enjoy something that you, too, would love to be enjoying.
I have spent too long mourning what I don’t have and begging and pleading for it to be different…I have worried about things I am missing and will not be able to retrieve.
What I have recently learned, through Scripture, is that God is not annoyed by repetitive prayers. I used to…almost be embarrassed, when I would come to Him yet again with the same request. But, I think of Hannah who, time after time, went to the temple and prayed for a child. It even says that she prayed from the depth and anguish of her heart.
However, it also says that, after she prayed, she “went on her way and no longer appeared downcast.” She prayed…with feeling and longing and anguish…but then she left it in His hands. I think where I have sinned in the past is that I would pray with longing and hurt and anguish and then walk around with that anguish still written all over my face. I lived as if I would never be happy unless I had that one thing.
Anywho…there is your rambling comment of the day.
Love ya!
Stacy-Only here to encourage you that God loves and adores your children more than you do! He knows their every need. And every family and child is different. Mommas tend to compare and envy, I know. I am one :) Keep up the good hard work. You continue to do what God has called you to be. That is what defines a good Momma, nothing else.
@gritandglory says:
“went on her way and no longer appeared downcast” – dang that is so challenging to me! i need to stop being an indian-giver and leave these things in His hands.
(love your thoughts here, stacy. thank you!)
Thanks for posting this Alece. I’m glad you asked us not to change, you are like that with everyone you meet. Allowing them to be themselves and sharing with them the beauty of all that you are. I feel this when I’m with moms of new babies, especially people who don’t have any trouble getting pregnant. There’s no jealousy there, but there is a pang of the bittersweet mix of being so happy for them and still longing for my own. Love you!
Alece, know that some of us who are married will unconsciously change things because we can still feel the bittersweet. I know there are many times I see someone who’s single and facing the frustrations and bittersweet feelings and I want to just hug ‘em and squeeze ‘em and call them George. (If you don’t get that, see this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2JlVqfC8-UI )
I’ll be honest…I read blogs like yours and Lindsey Nobles and my heart just breaks every time. I want you to know the joy of being married (for Lindsey) and to have a truly Christ-focused relationship with a spouse (for you.) If you lived near us, I would act a little differently only because I would want to do things to encourage you and uplift you in your unique situation. Bring you stories from the road ahead of you and how God can redeem it.
@gritandglory says:
wow – serious flashback with that video clip! ;)
Ok, really, I’m really thinking about being the Christian version of Patty Stagner, the MillionaireMatchmaker.
I even have a business plan I discussed with my best friend YESTERDAY.
Criteria:
LOVE Jesus
Have a job
Don’t live with parents (extenuating circumstances allowed)
Similar compatability and love languages
@gritandglory says:
you’re killin me, smalls! kill.in.me!
I definitely understand. my two closest friends are dating and its kinda awkward as im single. i know its not marriage, but its the closest thing when you’re 23 lol.
i did want to say, i really have noticed that you are taking big RISKS with your authentic posts. i love your honesty and i can really see you coming alive, even as you write about your current struggles.
^_^
@gritandglory says:
thank you for seeing the risk in my posts. they certainly feel risky to me!
So sweet. I hope you understand, however, that even us marrieds have moments of bittersweet. We too can see what others have and wish it for ourselves. However, you’re right, the bitter and the sweet create something wonderful. Kinda like dark chocolate ;)
@gritandglory says:
if only i liked chocolate…
i know you are so right. i had those same moments even when i was married. and those times bring me back to that same sweet spot of surrender and hope. surrendering what is to Him and at the same time trusting Him for what could be.
It SUX! With a capital S.
I was thinking about this just last nite when I emailed you back about our DC meetup. I want you 2 meet my guy, but then I’m like, “ok remember the decade you were single, how it felt…” and then I’m like “ok I’m going to leave him at home” and then I’m like, “Ooooo I so want her to meet him,” and then I’m like, “nope, I want to hang w/her myself with Jess…”
I so feel your pain. Gosh I so feel it. I still find myself fighting to give singles a voice and find my heart still so tender for that place… its hard.
You are SO gracious in how you are handling everything too… much better than I did :)
@gritandglory says:
i would definitely love to meet your man!
The fact that you’re continuing to live within the contradictions is what will prove sweet in the end, leaving dear mr. bitter in the dust. I am quite confident of this. If relationships in our lives feel like they’re within the gray area, then we’re more than likely in the right place. Kudos for digging into that place….
@pa3cia says:
beautifully written. i relate to this a lot.
i’ve never been married, but i am a single mother of an almost 10 year old boy. i’ve always felt “lost” when hanging out with different groups of people. there was even a season where i felt like i “didnt belong” in any group at all.
i would hang out with single people but felt like i never belonged there…coz they would always would go places and i would have to go home coz i had a child.
i would hang out with married couples….but i HATE it when all they do is talk about setting me up to get married. o_O – like they dont see me as a “family” coz im not married.
plus, i could never “relate” when wives would talk about their spouses…and truth of the matter is… it would weird me out to see women sooo “needy” of their husbands…. coz i don’t know how that feels like at all.
through out the years though, i’ve learned to adjust and tell myself that i don’t need to belong anywhere. coz i belong to Him. and belonging to Him is all that matters in the end.
@cassgirl says:
Its also bittersweet when you see real high functioning couples too. There are days I just sit back eventhough I am on my 21st year of marriage, and wish and gawk at the marriage of another.
I remain hopeful
I also remain hopeful for you my FF!!
@gritandglory says:
i understand that fully, FF… praying for your heart and mine to both surrender and hope at the same time.
Maybe it’s the benefit of my age and life experience talking here, but somehow, I already knew this. I think that whenever an important part of how you define yourself is gone, due to whatever, you long for it again and reminders of it are bittersweet because you no longer have it. And you want to be reminded, but it still hurts. And you have to figure out how to redefine yourself. And redefining is hard work. And not fun. And people who haven’t had to do it, don’t get it. The redefining, or that it is hard.
As for me, I’m not changing a thing! I love you, girl! That’s just what you get from me! Cause I don’t what you changing either, at least not for me.
God is uncovering such grace and beauty and strength in you. I can’t wait to see what unfolds. And I’m praying that your perfect complement will show up at just the right time and you will be amazed at God’s goodness in all things.
Love and hugs from VA!
Two of my best friends are single, and at the edge of my brain and heart, there’s always a worry that being around my husband and me is more bitter than it is sweet.
I’m single, and my two long-time best friends are both married, and have been for several years. I’m not your friends, but I can assure you that I am consistently genuinely happy for my best friends because they are my best friends. And, yes, there are times when it’s hard…but the happy-for-them far outweighs the bitter.
@gritandglory says:
(love that you shared that with mary… and the rest of us!)
i remember all the years we desired a baby, I had similar bittersweet feelings.
bitter: it was really hard when one would share their “oops, i’m pregnant” story with me. they would be irritated because the baby was something they weren’t planning for and maybe didn’t want. they were inconvenienced. i just wanted to scream “do you know how much i want a baby?!”
“oh, you don’t know how much i destested the “why don’t you and casey have any children? you are so good with kids”
”
sweet: a new baby is coming….whoo-hoo!! they are so cute. can’t wait to hold he/she. i could go on and on…
One thing I got out of that time: i appreciate and enjoy being a parent. i think i’m a better parent because of the longing, desire, and learning to be patient. and finally, i think i am more sensitive to others because of it.
@gritandglory says:
thank you for sharing how this connects to infertility… i know others who walk that road and understand how it’s that same bittersweetness.
I am totally with you Jessica! My husband and I are still waiting, but I definitely agree that we are going to be better parents because of what we’re learning now.
Anna – Yes, you will!!! :)!
Oh…you said exactly what I feel around my married friends. And the older you get, the more you feel it. But I don’t want my married friends to change who they are. It gives me hope (and sometimes a good dose of reality :)) to watch them live their lives out in front of me.
@gritandglory says:
“and sometimes a good dose of reality” — true that!
I love you, friend. And i love your honest thoughts.
@gritandglory says:
bonilda!!!! love your new blog!
I just love you…. I understand how raw and fresh that must still be….
I can relate because I felt that way when we were suffering from miscarriages and our friends were having babies. It was so bittersweet.
thank you for sharing your heart.
this is always a worry of mine….being around someone with any kind of “loss” I have not experienced myself….
being around those who want a child but can’t have one
being around those never before married who want to be married
being around those divorced who didn’t want it
being around those who have lost a spouse
being around those in hard financial crisis
etc…
I always want to make sure I am sensitive to them and their situation without being overt about it because that would make it uncomfortable. Finding that balance is hard for all parties I think. I think being aware of it is good though, on both sides.
Love you lots.
I love your honesty and perspective on this. Most of my closest friends are single and I’m always really sensitive about how I portray my relationship with my husband. I never want to take for granted the gift I have… even though sometimes I envy their world too :)
i’m single.
always have been.
and it has been hard watching all of my friends marry around me. some have been respectful of my marital status and how it makes me feel to be the 3rd-wheel, but to be honest some have not and it has angered me.
but marriage is beautiful though. it is natural. and when i see one that works and portrayed in front of me, it inspires me to keep hoping and waiting for my turn.
but i have also seen marriages fall apart because of infidelity and it pains me to see people i love in so much pain. i am so sorry that this is the story you’ve found yourself written into.
i am praying that in those moment when you want to be held, and in those moments that you miss having someone call you theirs: remember Who can hold you best, and Who said you were His from the beginning of time.
may He sustain you and spur you on toward greater love.
@gritandglory says:
i am loving getting to know you, crystal. your heart is so beautiful.
can i ask you a question?
what do you mean about some being respectful about how it makes you feel to be 3rd wheel and others not? what do those two look like?
(just thinking through a healthy way for marrieds to be sensitive…)
i’m pretty sure we could be bff :)
this is hard to explain because whether or not i am comfortable around my married friends, has a lot to do with my own heart in the moment. but here’s a little what i mean:
respectful: inclusion in their lives. even if they have kids. casual hanging out where the time feels mutually enjoyed not obligatory. like card games, dinners out, meeting their other friends. i don’t mind their affection with each other, when it is real, unforced and respectful to each other.
disrespectful: it irks me when one tears the other down in front of me. especially when it is about something trivial… snoring, being messy, or even making him look dumb. i sit there and think, “dang, i’d take a snoring husband.” you know what i mean? especially when there are so many other things that could be wrong. like, i know marriage isn’t perfect. no marriage is perfect, but senseless complaining about each other really bugs me. and i really don’t like being a marriage ref.
@gritandglory says:
GREAT examples.
and wow, hearing your thoughts on how it sounds when we make fun of trivial things about our spouses or in our marriage, was really eye-opening. (i say “we” because i’ve been very guilty of this in the past.) i’m so glad you spoke up.
Can I comment on another facet of the single and married friends dynamic?
As I commented above in response to Mary’s thoughts, I am single and my two best friends in the world have both been married for several years; one has a baby. Even though I talk to these two girls about everything else in my life, I find it difficult to open up to them about my singleness and my loneliness. I find myself afraid of making them feel bad/awkward for being married, and afraid of putting them in a spot where they don’t know what to say. So I go to the extreme of not saying anything in order to not burden them, though I’m pretty sure they would rather me be real and honest about that facet of my life more often.
@gritandglory says:
i understand that fully. this post felt like a huge risk for me for that very reason. it’s not something i’ve felt like i could bring up to married friends because i don’t WANT them to feel badly or burdened.
i totally get what you’re saying…
@mjdagenhart says:
My sentiments exactly.
All of my closest friends are in committed relationships. My best friend has never even really known the single life–she has been with her boyfriend since the 8th grade. So I never share about that part of my life…at all. I would rather keep it to myself than be a burden.
You might find that your married friends CAN relate to your pain/loneliness, etc… more than you think. We can remember the time we waited and were in your shoes. We also probably have things we’re waiting for, feeling a loss of, or wonder if we’re ever going to get. Unless your married friends truly are clueless about your situation and are insensitive to you, take a chance to open up to us. We can learn alot from each other.
I think so many single people feel this way… the wanting, yet the joy in the seeing. I think it’s different for me, though, in that I never had it. I longed for it, but I don’t miss it. I’m sorry that you miss it, but I’m grateful for the beautiful examples in your life so you can see what it really is when it does come into your life.
Because you deserve nothing less than the beautiful sweetness, friend.
@randishort says:
As someone who is single… wow, do I agree.
It is bittersweet. As all my friends are getting married and having children, I am SO (!!!) happy for them; seeing them smile and laugh and the excitement in their voices when they talk about him/her – it warms my heart.
But then there’s always the question “where’s that for me?”
Will share my heart with you, as you have with the rest of us…
I never understood a good marriage. My parents? Absolutely not. My brothers? In relationships for years without being married (still not married). And then, I “stumbled” upon what I call the perfect example of it. That’s when I started “longing” for someone. Everytime they smiled at each other. Held hands. (etc).
And the truth is, I oftentimes find myself thinking that I could settle.
I think every woman does it – has this “list” of things that she wants in a husband (men likely do the same). And everytime I see the “perfect examples” (though no marriage IS perfect) – I think …. maybe if I scratch “this” one off the list, I’ll stumble upon the man who’s “meant for me”, sooner.
I did it for years.
I find myself still thinking that way occassionally.
Bittersweet indeed. But it is a fine line it seems. Would I ever want my friends to act differently? Absolutely not! Gives me hope for a future that I know is out there… somewhere.
@gritandglory says:
i completely get that. it is only in the past few years that i’ve seen models of healthy marriages. and all of those have mostly been from a distance. it scares me because i don’t really know what it is or how to “do it”.
@mjdagenhart says:
I absolutely love watching my friends interact in their relationships. Like you said, I love to watch the way they come alive.
My best friend’s relationship is probably the best example of a healthy relationship I’ve seen. I’d never really witnessed a healthy relationship until I saw them together. I’m so thankful that I’ve had the chance to observe them first and mature on my own before getting into a serious relationship.
But it also makes me so very aware of what I don’t have…and miss things I have never had. I need to get better at focusing on that beautiful symphony.
@gritandglory says:
i love that you’re seeing a healthy, Godly relationship modeled for you. that is something that was seriously lacking in my life until just a few years ago.
i’m listening for that symphony with you, friend.
So the thing about a symphony is it takes different people playing their parts on different instruments in time with eachother. I think that is what community is…. Honesty while being ourselves all together. Yeah being
Thanks for sharing Alece. I have been praying for you about this, especially since you were married youngish… You do deserve a whole lot more than you’ve gotten in that area.
single is hard sometimes, but the. I am reminded of all the things that are food about it. Today is today and I want to be determined to live it to the fullest.
@hannahruthie says:
People keep telling me that singleness is the time when it’s easiest to strive after God because He is the only focus we need to have. We can go anywhere He tells us and not have to worry about bringing along a family. We can be more risky with our faith and take leaps that seem unreasonable and slightly insane. (He’s already working on this in you!)
I’m still not sure I believe them all the way when they say that, but I hope to find it true, and I hope that I can be a good Lover of Christ before He lets me be a good lover of someone else.
@gritandglory says:
sometimes those things sound like christian cliche trite answers that are given because no one wants to acknowledge that sometimes single life is hard.
just like we avoid talking about how married life is hard.
really, life is just plain hard in general.
so much more so than i ever anticipated.
I want to continually hear the symphony in the bittersweet! I definitely can relate to the fact that most of my friends are married. With the exception of a few and I love being around my married friends because their relationships give me hope but then at times I come home from hanging out with them and long for what they have. I’m glad you put this post up!
@gritandglory says:
thank you, becky. it’s always like a sigh of relief when i realize how many people resonate with what i’m feeling/thinking…
@danielleH says:
while you never said this i knew this was going on…
it’s okay that you were thinking this.
we really miss seeing you.
[hug]
This is always a hard place. You can be geniunely happy for your friends while at the same moment, quite unexpectedly at times even, feel the overpowering loss of what was once had or not yet had. I’ve learned to share with my friends when I am feeling this way so that they are aware where I am coming from and pull me back in when I start to slip away from the conversation or whatever may be going on. All of my friends and married with children and stay-at -home moms and I do mean all while I am the single among them. I have learned so much from them and their love and understanding of me too. We have figured out ways to minister to one another during our different life situations. Thank the Lord for the body of Christ!
Beautifully said. Even married, I understand. A bit.