being held
August 4, 2010
You know what I miss?
Being held.
I’m not the most physically affectionate person. Well, I am with certain people… which I guess makes me selectively affectionate.
But there are moments, days even, when I just wish there was someone to hold me. To tangle up with me on the couch as we watch a movie. To sit near to me so at least some part of us is touching. To hug me long and tight, for no reason at all.
Longing for that makes me feel vulnerable.
Admitting it makes me feel even more vulnerable.
And I don’t fully know why.
But, well, there it is.
No spiritual analogy. No lesson from the Lord. No correlating scripture.
Just the missing of my heart.
What’s your deepest, most honest, miss?
My deepest hurt is the yearn for the man who broke my heart. It is difficult to admit and really express the vulnerablility of that statement or just the fact that I am vulnerable at all. The longing like you just simply hurts. It is as if I have a repeat button stuck in my head that never wants me to forget the so dear memories. For the arms to hold me like they once did. I was not attached of course so deeply by marriage but a broken heart is a broken heart. But sunshine is coming for both of us.
@mat2820b says:
Oooohhh…. you want my most HONEST miss?
It’s horrible.
I miss it being just me and Adam. No kids. No resposibility past that toward ourselves.
I miss being selfish without guilt.
@anitashawaii says:
Since I’ve moved thousands of miles from the place I’ve lived basically my whole life and all of my friends and family, I miss being known. Being known by people who know what I’m thinking just by looking at me. I miss being able to look at my best friend and knowing she’s laughing at the same joke as me and no one else around knows why we’re laughing like a couple of dorks. I miss leading worship at my home church. I miss the kids I taught in Sunday school.
I miss the one who got away, even after all this time.
diet dr. pepper. shallow, i know.
…but i miss it “like the sun misses the flower — like the sun misses the flower in the depths of winter. instead of beauty to direct its light to, the heart hardens like the frozen world [its] absence has banished me to.” (william thatcher)
I miss nights with Sam Adams and the Red Sox and the Misfits, who are now scattered all throughout America. I miss the laughter, the insanity, and the inside jokes. I miss the power and the gift God gave me to break down the barriers they had, to get to the heart of their pain, to pull it out, and then lovingly embrace them, just to let them know that God has been with them through their nightmares. And I do mean nightmares. The ones that won’t go away. The ones my best friend, Chris, still has decades after his mother died and his father sent him to foster care, where he endured twenty-five foster families, who either hurt him horribly — in ways I am committed not to discuss — or who were just in it for the money. I miss the joy we had coming together again after one of us had taken a vacation for two weeks. I miss resolving a complex problem with the ferocity of a lion, protecting its young, with a growl. I miss the passion we shared for the Red Sox and that unquestioning devotion and that unconditional love we had for one another, to feed the hungry — even if it was just “dippy bread pizza” or a month’s worth of groceries for the disabled. I miss playing Twister with them. And playing Trouble with “the pop-o-matic bubble.” I miss getting the remote control heliocopter off the roof for the son of a Misfit. I miss being the “hero” because I had done that for him. I miss the blood and sweat and tears. And the rock n roll. And I miss watching eyes pop open when I had explained Heaven to the least of His breathren. I miss the love, most of all. The joy of meeting God where we are, warts and all, instead of others expected of us. And I miss my dogs and my roses and people showing up at 2am because they needed someone to talk to — or just someone to hold them and comfort them during a very difficult time…
…That was the life I had. That was who I was and what I did.
Then, it rained. And God, for His own purpose, took it all away. And let the locusts feast.
Trust Him? What choice do I have?
“Lord, where would I go…?”
I miss the joy of motherhood
mmmmmhhhhhmmmm yes.
I miss this too. Just knowing someone is close, that physical reality to the spiritual truth we aren’t ever alone is just so nice sometimes.
I think, today, I miss living in a dorm with 16 other girls all striving and seeking and living in this beautiful community of laughter and care and fighting over the bathroom mirror….
i miss being in college. all my friends living so close by. no responsibilities aside from grades, no broken hearts, no pressure to marry, no pressure to procreate, no pressure to get a real job, no pressure to contribute to a 401K.
college. ahhh…..
seriously…ME too!
especially my freshman year; all my christian girlfriends on one floor of my dorm, cafeteria breakfast, lunch, and dinner together all the time. Always a girl to talk to, pray with, cry with.
That was awesome.
@mallyflip says:
oh man I miss college too and I have only been graduated for a year.
I miss being a poor college kid.
I miss doing whatever the heck I wanted and wearing sweat pants everywhere.
I’m a single girl living overseas. I miss the easiness that I had in the presence of my best friends – just being, and understanding each other, and laughing hysterically at the same things. Culture means very different types humor so much of the time, so it’s nearly impossible to find anyone here who understands why I laugh when I do. :)
@bajanpoet says:
Right now… I miss that most of all.
I miss being HELD
Oh God… I’m feeling that … *tears*
It’s still fresh for me so the pain is REALLY INTENSE….
I’m feeling u today, Alece
I miss having someone to go to the park with, to make dinner with and to travel with. I have total faith that the Lord has someone new for me and this time in between is for both of us to grow and know Him better, separately. When the time is right, it’ll all be revealed…but until then I do miss.
@kamriereed says:
I miss not having to worry about friends at school. Going back to a school where people know me and we are all comfortable. I miss the year when I wasn’t always uncomfortable in situations. I miss being comfortable at school. I hate that the only place I can truly be comfortable is home. Oh well who said Christianity was all about my comfort anyways.
I also miss touch for all the reasons you listed. Even if you put God and Jesus in the mix I have a deep longing to physically feel their embrace. To feel their strength and love as they protect me.
I am SO THERE!!!!
I miss Tanzania.
The orphans. The children and their smiles, and holding as many of them as could possibly fit in my lap. The students and their songs of praise rising in the night. I miss loving until I physically hurt but resting in God’s peace and knowing that as I poured myself out He filled me up.
@bahava says:
i’m so with you on the being held….other than that….i miss the sharing intimate life together, the little conversations throughout the day from text or phone calls, the this is what happened and i know you’ll get it, the i can’t wait to hear about your day…just the ability to talk about anything and everything and nothing at all. having that person to call or sit down and just be with.
@gritandglory says:
i so miss that too… just having a person. MY person. someone who wants to hear all the fine print and small details, the things that matter a ton and the things that don’t really matter at all.
i miss being someone’s someone.
@bahava says:
me too…someday. and in the meantime i am thankful for friends and ha, even twitter where i can share the random
Acceptance or the feeling of it.
I miss feeling safe. I miss life before pain seemed to be my predominant feeling. I miss naivete. I miss a brain that functioned normally. I miss my old life as, unbeknownst to me, fake as it apparently was.
I miss singing.
i miss that too. there is nothing better than a good hug.
i also miss feeling like someone is 100% on my team.
I was there for years. Missing being held. Feeling vulnerable because of the deep ache in my to be held. Hating that feeling. Anger at being put in a place where I was vulnerable – it wasn’t my choice to be there. Not knowing who you could talk about that to. Longing to be held.
I know what you mean. Glad you are talking about it.
I’m so sorry :-( I can’t relate to your specific “miss” – but I can only imagine the ache is so deep.
I miss my easy smile. The smile that I always wore before I experienced that past few years of HARD.
I also miss singing. But I am hoping to soon make some changes to where I don’t have to miss that anymore.
I miss being looked in the eye and told that I am beautiful, without inhibition or alterior motive, just being told I’m beautiful.
I haven’t heard that in a very very long time.
But God reminds me in His Word that I am precious and honored (Isaiah 43:4) so I guess I shouldn’t complain…
Oh, I miss being held, too. I am in a similar situation as you, and this really hit home. I miss laying on the couch, legs and arms intertwined. Such a warm , safe feeling. My pain is only a few months old, so I still get mad at myself when I miss the good parts.
Doing something that matters.
@christielici0us says:
I miss feeling truly relaxed and not worried and not afraid. I can’t pinpoint exactly when I lost that feeling, but honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever get it back.
my deepest, most honest, miss is my fiance. i miss his smile, his eyes, the love for me that just oozed out of him, his touch. i miss just being together — no matter the activity, mundane or exciting. . .i miss the carefree nature of our lives. i miss dreaming about our future together. and like you, i miss being held — even just a hug when everything in the world is wrong. . .
@aeg0707 says:
My deepest miss?
I ache for who I was without the memories. Some days I miss him something fierce. And most days I can move past that (after a few tears and angry yells and maybe some coffee). But the memories- I hate them. I hate seeing/hearing/smelling/feeling and having to remember. I wish I could be the girl I am now without having walked this road. Simply, I can’t be. They made me. But I hate the memories. I miss who I used to be before them.
I miss my mom. I feel too young to be the oldest. I hate that I do all the cooking for Thanksgiving. I miss that my boys don’t have grandparents that will pour into their lives all the love, wisdom, and time. I miss the sacrificial love that only a mom knows and gives. Sometimes it feels like all other relationships I have to “pay back”. Sure I can hire a babysitter to play with my boys. Or I can buy ready made potatoes. But I still come up way short.
i miss having a really good female friend.
talking about girl-specific topics is just not the same with my husband. :)!
I miss that too. I have kids I smother as a result, but it’s not the same. Such a vulnerable place, that’s for sure.
I long for that feeling of just being so incredibly loved and cherished. I have been praying for my future husband a lot lately and just praying that God would remove our hearts and replace them with His, that we would be humble towards eachother, that we would love eachother, that we would serve eachother, be kind, and above all that we would have a passion for Jesus and for our marriage. God is so good and His word says, “ask and you shall recieve”, so I’m taking Him at his word and praying for that amazing man of my dreams.
@pa3cia says:
i’ve been single (and a mom) for so long…i don’t even know what i miss or what to miss anymore. =( it’s like my head is in robot function… i try hard not to allow myself to feel certain emotions coz the emotions will just make me realize how hard it really is to be a single mother.
for the most part im okay…then there were days like yesterday….i broke down and cried out to God how much it hurts to carry the stress by myself… to carry the weight of doing all i am doing by myself… but then again my decision to not want to get married plays a huge part as to why i am doing exactly what im doing… so i go back to praying, presenting my feelings to God and just breathe it out…and go about my normal routine… coz it hurts more to try and face emotions so raw than it does to just not think about it.
oh dear, this is opening pandora’s box. i feel a blog post coming up.
I miss not hearing police and ambulance sirens all day long. I miss the loudest sound being the tinkling of bells around sheep and cows’ necks.
More vulnerable? I miss being thinner. I miss probably actually being more filled with the Spirit years ago than now, back when I had no idea what that could even mean. I miss the early years of being saved, when I could watch some wonderful Christian model what being a Christian was much more up-close.
As a girl who has prayed for my future husband longer than I thought I would I hear what you’re saying. I just continue to pray for this guy that he would be exactly the man God has for me. Just trusting God to take care of it all.
@bahava says:
praying that prayer right with you. trusting His timing.
@hannahruthie says:
I am praying for this too. and I agree with Katy, trying to trust his timing too.
@randishort says:
Feelin ya in that one girl. ((hugs))
My heart misses the child I didn’t have.
My biggest miss is a man that I can’t be with right now. I want him to hold me. I want him to be the person I can lean on when life gets hard. But I can’t have that yet. Someday I will and until then, I won’t settle for less.
missing the innocence and freedom of my childhood years
Been there… got 14 t-shirts too!
I think I miss being able to simply hop on a plane and go, anytime and anyplace. Family is incredible and I wouldn’t trade it for the world… but one day, my wife and I are back to jet-setting!
As for the hug, the touch… the someone… in due season, my dear. Your feelings of vulnerability are actually the capacities you possess to one day love another. When we are willing to accept the fact that we are wholly inadequate in this life… well, that’s an amazing place.
To the degree that you are willing to lay down your pride, ego, needs, view, and opinion to God’s is the degree you are able to experience His Kingdom life. This process your going through may not be so much the grieving of a “someone” as it is the grieving of YOU. That pain you feel may very well be the separating of your fleshly, carnal parts in exchange for His more amazing realities…
just saying.
I miss the Philippines. I miss “my family” there.
@LindseyHartz says:
I miss my dream of a big ol huge family reunion where we all fall into each others arms and certain family members acknowledge and ask forgiveness for all the devastation they caused in my heart and life instead of trying to pretend it didn’t happen, so we could then hang out, talk on the phone, go shopping, have family BBQ’s etc etc etc.
Silly, I know. But having “that” kind of redemption in my family (parents, etc) was SO important to me for so long that it became an idol.
This last year has really stripped that away from me; and I’ve been able to accept that while I most likely will never have that for myself (unless God steps in!), my husband and I can and will strive to be those parents for our kids and their spouses and children. We ask forgiveness from our kids all the time, and do our best to pour into their lives the way we rarely were as children.
A side note, my daughter turned 9 and I cried the whole day. She’s the age I was when I tried to tell about abuse and get help and none came. I look at her and see so much beauty and hope, and am so thankful for a God who saves, and is allowing me to give her the life I never had.
And I know what you mean about the lack of touch and emotional intimacy that comes with sharing your life and heart strangely enough. My hubby and I lived like that for years~ where we could barely be in the same room as each other without arguing or fighting. What I missed the most during that time WAS that touch and that concern for my well-being and my hopes and my dreams.
Makes it ever more sweet now. I seriously bawl just about every time we are able to sit and have these kind of moments.
Sending you a HUGE virtual hug. You are so good for my heart :-)
And this whole comment is totally ADD today. Going to bed now :-)
I miss being held, feeling safe in who you are within the arms of someone else. Protected and delicate– cause no one else will see me this way, will think I am soft.
Yet, I push even the slightest hint away.
Can it be taken away… again?
Because it will.
At least, thats what my head says. Thats what my heart feels.
i miss the innocence of our marriage before that year that sent us off the edge.
your post reminded me of Wall-E’s repeated attempts to hold Eve’s hand in that pixar movie.
I miss my brothers and sisters.
@PrudyChick says:
I miss less complicated life.
I also miss the dating years. Especially the early ones. Not that Shawn doesn’t still woo me, but there was something about those first couple years.
@AbbyL says:
I miss my single girlfriends. A few have moved, but most have gotten married, taking a different road than I’m on currently. I love the college students I minister to and the “parent of kids older than me” adults I work with… Sometimes I just miss a friend who’s available and going through similar stuff.
@thevelvettrunk says:
I miss something I guess I’ve never really had. I miss someone knowing ALL my stories- the good and the really bad. And I miss someone being there for all the new ones so they’re “our” stories and though we may remember them differently (an artist’s memory is just a wee bit “imaginative”)- he still remembers them. I miss someone knowing what every different smile means…what I look like after I cry or what happens to me when I eat spicy food… Hmmm… Yeah, I miss all those little things….=)
And I miss the days over a decade ago when I saw what I believe God sees in me. I miss the fearlessness of youth. Maybe I was just too young and too ignorant to be afraid -blind to all my shortcomings…Ignorance really was bliss..lol… Now, I HAVE to walk by faith because I am WELL aware of what He’s got to work with. Good thing He’s God…lol… ;-P
I wish I could hold you.
@mjdagenhart says:
I miss my dad… The one of my childhood.
That was so bold of you to share Alece. I don’t think I would be able to make myself as vulnerable as you have. I admire you for your strength! And everyone’s comments are so amazing. I read every single one and I feel closer to these people that I don’t even know. Some people’s comments are absolutely heart-wrenching…I am so glad that in everything, everyone here is keeping their eyes on the Lord. This is absolutely encouraging.
And my miss, although it is completely selfish, I miss my days before getting married and not having any “real” responsibilities and all the heartache…but of course I love my son to pieces.
@Melissa_Rae says:
I agree with Jen…there are definitely moments I miss it being just Josh & me. I love my children and when I do go out without them I can’t wait to get back home…but I miss the freedom of it just being us two.
And, I {love} that you didn’t put any scripture or message at the end. :) This is your life…not a constant bible study. Although I value and appreciate the correlations and inspirations God gives you, I also value and appreciate you for you. You don’t always have to be on.
@Allison0105 says:
I miss being held too. :( Even though I am content right now I long for something tangible this side of heaven to hold…even though I know that I am complete in Christ alone. I miss being in a relationship.
@hannahruthie says:
I miss having someone to be with every day — someone who was around me enough to notice that I narrate my life, and to care that I narrate my life. I miss my two roommates and being able to share anything and everything with them, and to have deep conversations late at night. I miss sharing life with people like I did last year. And I hope that some day I’ll be able to do that again.
My heart aches with you as I read this… for so many reasons… because I get it… I walked it for more years than I have been married. I know what it means to be held by John, and how a simple hug can get me through the worst of days. I know what it is to be on a tropical island with him embracing me…
I also know what it is to not have that… because I went for so long without.
and now… even amidst the hugs of my sweet husband that can get us through the worst of times… I find my heart also stretching out to people who don’t have someone hugging them too. I cannot be hugged by him without thinking about those who are not being held….
And that is – I believe – God’s goodness in where I am (strange as that sounds)
More than once on that tropical island… my heart was thinking of you dear friend… hoping that someday you too would be held tightly, lovingly, authentically, honestly.
love u.
Wow. Thank you for your authenticity and genuineness. I love being held too….