battle-weary
Re-entry’s been rather bumpy.
I don’t know if it’s that my heart hasn’t caught up with the rest of me yet or what. But I’ve had an emotional few days since getting back from my dreamcation.
Actually it started my last night on the cruise ship.
The moment I put my head on my pillow to go to sleep, my mind started reeling. My thoughts bounced between Africa and Atlanta. They ricocheted between past, present, and future. And I felt anxiousness taking over my heart. Physically felt it.
It was as though someone was sitting on my chest.
My eyes kept filling with tears even though I was willing myself not to cry. No amount of melatonin or prayer worked to knock me out. I was up all night, tossing and turning.
As we pulled into port and I began the long day of traveling back to the east coast, I was overwhelmed with a sense of not belonging. Anywhere.
And all week I haven’t been able to shake the anxiety, doubts, and insecurities. The panic-attack-esque chest pressure keeps returning. And yesterday I just couldn’t seem to stop crying.
Tonight is a bit better, after a worship service at church. As “my song” started, I heard God’s whisper in my heart. Even when I feel unwanted, unneeded, and like I don’t belong, it’s okay. Because even when no one else is, He is jealous for me.
I’m gonna be repeating that over and over as I head to bed. And as I start my day tomorrow.
Because my heart still feels very tentative. Tender. Sensitive. My emotions are still brewing just beneath the surface. And the tears keep coming.
But my battle-weary heart feels a tiny bit stronger than it did this morning.
And for that I’m grateful.
hug.
somehow, i know that i am nowhere near what you’re feeling, but my heart is doing a bit of the same right now. barely takes a scratch to bring all that emotion to the surface, and me? i’m ashamed. and angry.
praying that we both get some sleep tonight, duch.
I am presently in the very same place… u are not alone Alece. All I can stand on daily is:God is faithful. Even in the pain. in the dark. in the panic attack-ness. He will take you through. day by day.
@gritandglory says:
thanks, enza. so appreciated hearing from you.
@cassgirl says:
Thank you for writing this post.
It’s been a little weary laden too for me. I’ll give you this hint “tupperware”
Reading this post reminded me
YES He’s jealous for me… He loves me so much!!! No matter of the circumstances.
Love ya! FF!!
@gritandglory says:
been praying for you and the tupperware situation.
and — to be honest — getting angry with/for you too.
I so know that feeling of not belonging…anywhere. I know it so well it’s not even funny. I’m happy to hear that you felt stronger this evening. I trust, because I think I’m finally on the other end of a long night of grief and struggle and feel steadier in saying this, that those days where you feel stronger will soon outnumber the days where you don’t.
I have no clue if that made sense. It’s 2AM and I’m a little groggy. :)
@gritandglory says:
i’m sorry you can relate so much with where i’ve been at with this. but thank you for extending hope that these “long nights” will get fewer and farther between.
@dg4G says:
I love when words like jealous, which so often have negative connotations, are turned and used in such a positive way. Thanks for reinforcing that Alece.
And praying the risk-taking you’ve embarked on this year means all those emotions/tensions/sensitivities are balanced with relaxation/joy/jubilation/enthusiasm for what God’s got in store in this crazy new chapter!
@mjdagenhart says:
I don’t know why, but earlier today, I had a feeling this was weighing on your heart. I stopped and prayed for you right then. And I’m praying for you now.
I love you, friend.
@atangie says:
You lived to fight another day. I am proud of you.
I keep hearing the following for you: Keep walking. You will get to the other side of this. Something new (and I am believing AMAZING) is coming for you.
Your heart is open and honest before the Lord, and so many are blessed by your words. I thank you again and again and again for sharing your heart. Mine is so touched.
@gritandglory says:
“keep walking… something new is coming for you.”
wow. i needed that. thank you!
Leaving paradise sucks. I hear that BIG.
The safety that is “home” and your sense of “who you belong to” on this earth are huge pieces of what’s been taken from you and what has yet to be completely restored to you. You are very much caught in the middle of the old and the new.
When you return “home” to South Africa, you’re going to have to redefine what “home” is and how to feel safe there again, but the truth is, no place in this world is your home. You’re just passing through.
Who you “belong to” is the people you serve in SA, the “constants” God has given you and the new relationships He is raising up from all over this country, but the battle for your heart – who you REALLY belong to – will forever wage on.
The climb is grueling, but don’t look up the ladder, focusing on where you’re not. (Yet!!) Keep looking down so you can see how far God’s faithfulness and providence has brought you.
This is far from over, friend.
@coloraturajoy says:
oh woman.
how i wish i could meet you face to face and give you a HUGE hug.
that is such a good word.
praying for you today.
ok I really really want to give you a big hug right now!!!
On the somewhat smaller frame that I am living … I get this. Oh boy, do I. While I was out on Christmas vacation I felt more ‘okay.’ I was with family, and visiting, having fun. And I belonged there. Once I flew back into town the restlessness and anxiety was everywhere. And I did my best to manage it–singing, praying, praising, ‘talking it out’ with friends (GREAT decompresser) … but it took a few days to figure out that part of the reason I was feeling that way was because I didn’t have a home. Every last thing was temporary. And every last thing kept talking to me of the reality of the situation I was in. Dear God. I so get this. If there was a magic wand …. but there isn’t. We both know that. There really isn’t a magic wand. The fire is there. The heat is intense. And our portion is to stand and let the fire do it’s work. In a sense … we trust the flames, even though it hurts. If staying with Him means staying in the middle of the flames, that’s where you’ll find us. For our God is a consuming fire.
Time to pray harder for my friend…
May God totally reiterate His heart for you today, Alece, and show you where He has put you, where you belong. You belong to Him, Alece, always.
LOVE
Oh my Dear Heart……….I love you. The only thing I can think to say…..When I have been at the end of my endurance. When all I’ve wanted to do was lie down and give up…scream to the heavens “NO MORE!!!” is this…Ephesians 6:13-14 …..”and after you have done everything to stand. Stand firm…” Stand fast, my friend. Your deliverer is coming. He is riding on His white steed to lift you up and carry you off into the wonders of His plan for you. Keep standing, for those whose hope is the Lord will never be put to shame. I love you.
@gritandglory says:
i feel like i’m more in the first part of that — “you have done everything to stand”… but by His grace i’m still standing, even if it’s with wobbly knees.
thank you for standing with me.
“I believe I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord. Be strong and let your heart take courage. Wait for the Lord. ~Psalm 27:13-14
I’ve needed this passage to reinforce my word for 2010 of courage more than I can say this week. Its Friday and its like standing with arms raised, crying out, tears streaming. Everything outside me has pressed in and that lie has crept in that its not worth it, that I should put my hands down and walk away from the calling. Its harder to keep His words, “He is jealous for me” on my lips and heart. To believe His words…
I’m learning not to despise the tenderness or vulnerability. It is my heart in that state, that listens to and follows Him, that responds to His kindness…
@gritandglory says:
“let your heart take courage” — that “LET” is getting me right now.
how am i blocking my heart from taking courage? how do i need to step out of the way and allow it to?
hmmmm…
emailed you … love you … satan is a liar … God says YOU ROCK … and so do I! :)
I understand why you’re weary – and my heart is heavy with all the things re-entry has held. Keep holdin’ friend (have that song? Avril? It’s a good one)… and know that I’ll always be standing right beside you.
@hannahruthie says:
My heart-ache for South Africa can’t compare to yours, but I have felt a small taste of it. I know what it’s like to have your heart in two, or three, or 10 different places. When I feel out of place, I try to remember that no place can ever satisfy me unless God is there with me. It’s not the place at all. Christ is home. Coming back to a place that once satisfied may not be satisfying again, but coming back to the home of Christ, ALWAYS satisfies. Wherever you are, God can satisfy the desires of your heart to be loved, wanted, needed, appreciated, desired. But he always will satisfy your longing with Himself. In His arms is really the only home that will ever be enough.
@gritandglory says:
mmmm… thank you for this.
“He will always satisfy your longing with Himself.” — your heart overflows with wisdom, hannah.
Not only is He jealous of you, but He is the ULTIMATE ‘he’. The ultimate Lover, Provider, Defender, Pursuer, THE ULTIMATE-your All Sufficiency, is JEALOUS of YOU. He desires you.
My prayer is that today you’ll respond to His wooing, to the lavish love that He longs to bestow upon you.
And I haven’t put on my mascara yet, which means, GIRLFRIEND, you’re in for some prayer. ;)
@gritandglory says:
i can’t help but smile to know that after all these months, you still pray for me when you put on your mascara. thank you. really.
Love you dear friend. I feel your tender heart in this post. Leaving vacation always sucks but, I’m sure this was magnified even more with all you’ve been through. I hate anxiety pain…it is a real, scary hurt. I am praying for you.
Hugs!!!
@JewelzSightings says:
That’s one of my very favorite songs… Another which I’ve been singing constantly lately is “Praise the Lord, O My Soul” by Kristene Mueller. As I sing I declare… “I will not die, I will live”…. to the heavens and the earth…
I SO understand battle weary…. I once did a search on the internet about battle fatigue and as I read the symptoms I realized it’s exactly where I was… just weary of staying in the battle zone and trying to stay alive… I have cried out more times than I can remember for Jesus to come for me and keep me standing strong.
I also understand not feeling like there is a place that I fit in….for more reasons than one.
Each time Jesus reminds me that there is this perfect place where I fit… with Him… and that it’s not about a location, though it truly feels like one. At this moment I am right where He has placed me… if the time comes that I am to be somewhere else, He will move me there.
I have often felt like I was in a holding pattern… not planted where I am, yet not free to roam.
I just know this…. He’s doing a new thing….
@gritandglory says:
mmmm… i love that song, too.
today’s a good day to keep it on repeat for a while.
something my mentor tells me quite often, especially after I’ve had a hard day….
tomorrow is a new day
with new mercies
I don’t know what it is, but that thought seems to make everything better
everything else melts away
and I wake up with such a renewed sense of life
tomorrow is a new day
His merces are new
@gritandglory says:
i’m so grateful for His new mercies.
fresh for my today.
@tamhodge says:
the one thing that keeps coming to my mind through this is…you are a victor in the journey.
….loves like a hurricane, I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy…
It’s good to take comfort knowing that He is jealous for you. Everlastingly.
@danielleH says:
just catching up a bit on the grit.
if it helps in the littlest way…i’ve been thinking about you and wishing to be with you.
and we always have a place in God’s kingdom and presence. Jesus’ blood paid for that.
i love you. so much.
@gritandglory says:
we need a phone date soon! sorry i’ve been such a slacker at that!
Jan 22 was not a good day for me either. When I read your description of anxiety, I knew in an instant what you were speaking of. I am more familiar with it then i wish. Thank you for reminding me that “He is jealous for me”.
@gritandglory says:
sigh…
saying a prayer for you right now.
@Nomadstacey says:
Thanks for reminding me that He is jealous for me…He is jealous for how I am treated, He is jealous when I make wrong choices, and He STILL loves me….and He still loves me.
Alece, thanks for sharing these vulnerable thoughts. I hope your battle-weary heart finds a place to call home soon. God bless.
–Tim
http://www.timothydeanmills.com