…and it scares the crap out of me
If you’ve been around the Grit for any length of time, you know that trust has always been a struggle for me. A struggle I’ve continued to wrestle with, though, because I know it’s worth the fight.
Now throw my husband’s unfaithfulness into the mix and give it a good shake. Trust is really hard for me right now, at a very core and basic level.
I’m finding it harder than ever to trust others and even God. But the uncertainty runs deeper than that.
I no longer trust myself.
For a year and a half, I was told that my gut instinct was wrong. It was said over and over and over again that what I knew to be true, wasn’t.
Eventually truth was exposed. And even though I had been right all along, any final remnants of confidence had already been evicted from my heart and self-doubt had set up camp.
And now I’m left doubting my intuition. I distrust my ability to perceive what’s going on beneath the surface.
The line between discernment and paranoia is blurry. When I sense something is wrong or just “off”, I make myself sick wondering if what I’m feeling is valid or if I’m just being hypersensitive.
And I’m not quite sure what to do with that.
I need to learn to trust myself again.
But I don’t know how.
@tamhodge says:
this is not gonna be my “softer side”…
ya know what pisses me off? the ones who instill this in others. the ones whose actions impact others to the point where they constantly second guess everything they do and everyone around them.
i need to pray for “them”. they have much to answer to.
alece…all i know is this…ever since i first stumbled upon your written words i have seen nothing less than wisdom, grace, discernment, compassion and love for God, others and justice. thats just who you are. dont let the actions of others take that from you. go back and recapture you.
dang, i love you so!
@coloraturajoy says:
what she said.
@moweezle says:
Ditto…ditto….ditto!!!
whoop!! preach it, tam!
@gritandglory says:
“go back and recapture you”… that perfectly sums up the journey i feel i’m on. one of figuring out who i even am and then recapturing that. reclaiming me. because i lost myself along the way…
i love you, tam. thank you for this. and for… well, everything.
feeling like I could only become who I was if I knew who I used to be…. but I didn’t remember who I used to be. Hard to say, “well, trust God to lead you there.” when trust is the main issue I struggle with. But, despite my unwillingness to trust, God has carefully taken me there and then showed me, “see daughter of mine, this is who I made you.”
He’ll do it for you, gently and carefully. He’ll win your trust with the quiet determination of one who wants to win your heart. Even if you react like a scared wild cat at first.
I know, because He’s been working on doing that with me.
@gritandglory says:
i just let out a long breath i didn’t even realize i was holding in.
“He’ll win your trust with the quiet determination of one who wants to win your heart.” so, so beautiful. i’m gonna let those words bump around inside me for a while tonight. thank you.
@tamhodge says:
i love you too. so very much.
I hate that for you.
With my jaw clenched, I hate this for you.
And I’m not sure how to let that go. That I also hate.
But I hate that you will live in paranoia until you learn how to trust yourself and others. I am praying for you.
@tamhodge says:
yes. this is it. this is how i feel too.
@coloraturajoy says:
okay, can i also just say…i completely get this? from both sides of the fence…
Ache, ache, ache. My heart aches for you. God gives us that intuition…that feeling that something is off. It sucks when others try to tell you how You feel. Just doesn’t work. Praying for you. Honestly! I love you friend.
Praying you get a good nights rest.
it scares the crap out of me too! BUT we cannot live in that place becuz then satan wins. easier said than done but i am not going to continue to lose my joy out of fear. am i sure of myself? no. am i sure of my instincts? heck no! have i messed up and been screwed over? you bet.
BUT GOD!! He did not come so that i could live a mediocre life…i want His death to mean something in my life.
love you. love you. love you!!!!
Don’t let “them” be the boss of you. Praying for you. That you can “take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (2 Cor 10:5). Over & over & over…and then have a great memory – remembering the times that you went with the gut. And it was right on the money. Makes it a little bit easier next time. I found that when I listened to the little voice (& not the one that told me to clean the gun – kidding!), I didn’t regret. One step at a time girl. And saying it out loud is the first step.
praying for you….
i want to say more but just can’t take what’s in my heart and put into words…
No words of wisdom to share, other than I’ve tasted a litle of what you’ve written here.
To be honest, it’s taken not a little time to rebuild trust. Trust in Him. And trust in my ability to hear Him accurately. I know that He knows that. And it’s okay.
For some reason, Is. 42:3-4 comes to mind:
“A bruised reed He will not break, and a smoldering wick He will not snuff out. In faithfulness He will bring forth justice.”
@gritandglory says:
that verse gets my heart going in all sorts of directions.
thank you, lisa…
I crashed after services today and woke up after midnight with a restless heart. I grabbed a book that I haven’t read since this past summer when I was struggling with my broken spirit and much sorrow. Flipping through the pages and lingering on many of the familiar chapters quickly brought tears to my eyes, bittersweet sorrow, yet peace in my heart with a new found strength. I will pass the book to you on Tuesday and even if one page brings you one step closer to the place that you desire than it will be worth it. You are steeped in an amazing story surrounded by people who love, respect and admire you. Have faith in that and trust in Him. You taught me a very powerful phrase, “nothing missing and nothing broken”. It has provided me great comfort and focused courage to face all that I fear and to take the first of many tentative steps. I hate it that you are hurting, but know that you are in my, and many other’s, thoughts and prayers!!
@gritandglory says:
i’m intrigued about the book. thanks for bringing it tomorrow so i can borrow it.
you really overwhelmed me with your words. i’m thankful for your friendship!
I’m feeling this way, too. I used to feel that I had a good sense of intuition, but I have a hard time trusting my own judgement now. I was blindsided by the changes in my now ex-husband. I still don’t know if he changed, if he was hiding his true self from me, or if he isn’t really himself now. It’s hard to move forward when I’m so uncertain of my steps.
@gritandglory says:
i wonder that too. did he change? did i just never really know him?
i don’t know if i’ll ever know…
It’s hard when something so foundational to how you identify yourself turns out to be the opposite of what you thougtht it was, or even a lie. It shakes you to the core. It makes you reexamine and question and doubt almost every part of your life. I’ve had things like that. It’s scary and you don’t feel safe, even in your own head. That may be the scariest thing. But this one thing I do know – that God can be trusted even when we can’t seem to trust ourselves. The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked; who can know it? The truth is, we really can’t trust ourselves, at least not in our flesh. But the Holy Spirit has taken up residence in your heart and you CAN TRUST HIM. He will not fail you, will not let you down, will not lie to you, will not choose another over you. My heart just aches for how you are hurting and I hate that pain with/for you. I pray God will be your Comforter today.
@gritandglory says:
you’re so right. i need to focus on hearing His still, small voice more — regaining confidence in the leading of His Spirit…
@Nomadstacey says:
right. there. with. you.
@gritandglory says:
hmph.
sorry, friend…
I agree with sheryl & Cindy. Just know that you’re not the only one who has felt this way, not at all! I think that might be one of the biggest lies we believe: “I’m the only one like this, so I must be…crazy (or fill in the blank) and I can’t tell anyone about this, or they will think I’m crazy, too.”
You’re not the only one. Not at all.
When you figure this out, tell me too, cause while not for the exact same reason I too deal with what you are dealing with. I just do not understand how to begin to trust myself and my instincts. Even when I see myself right time and time again. :(
This is one of those really hard things…
In my last serious relationship, I kept thinking something was off. I could not trust in the fact that our relationship was okay. And I picked it apart. And at the end of it there was nothing left. And I couldn’t figure out what came first – the lack of trust or something being off.
Was my intuition right? Or did my lack of trust kill a perfectly good relationship?
I know that either way…it ended because it was supposed to end. But I don’t know what I was supposed to learn about trust.
@gritandglory says:
i’m wrestling with that exact same thing in some of my relationships right now. it’s unnerving to simply not know…
Oh my friend…..I’m sorry. It is a hard place to be….when you question yourself, when you question God. For a long time…I thought I knew what God wanted, where He wanted me to be. I was confident in it. Then a series of events happened that stole it all away.. and I found myself questioning what I had always believed. What I had KNOWN to be true….and now the climb up the other side of this valley has been one of the hardest for me. But it has forced me to look harder at myself and my God. It has forced me to realize that sometimes things happen and He is still God. I wish I could say I have great wisdom for you, but I am not to that point yet. All I can say is that I have been led to Scriptures where He is telling me how much He loves me and that I am His child. His child. Think of your kids in Africa friend and how you heart swells when you think of them….He feels that way a hundred times more for you! I am trying to focus on that and I am hoping , believing, and beginning to trust again, that the rest will be restored. This journey is long and the road is hard, but you do not walk alone……….. I love you friend.
@christielici0us says:
God knows my opinion isn’t worth much, but let me tell you what I think about your lack of trust in yourself: hogwash! Yep, I said hogwash. And here’s why:
For a year and a half, you told yourself that your gut instinct was wrong for the best reason in the world: because you wanted to believe the best about someone you loved. You might’ve ignored your gut, but that’s because your heart was in the right place. You can’t fault yourself for trying to see the good. That’s what makes you wonderful!
However, I do understand what you’re saying about getting yourself worked up, wondering if you’re being hypersensitive when you sense something isn’t right. I’ve been there, too. It’s a tough place to be. You are in my prayers, Alece. I know you’re going to get through this and come out all bright and shining on the other side. I’m just sorry that it’s tough and confusing in the process.
It sounds like the curse of Eve in the garden. She was deceived into believing that God was holding out on her. I’m projecting her but I wonder if she had the instinct that what the serpent was offering was off.
Adam went passive and was no help in protecting her. I’m guessing that it took Eve a while to trust her instinct again too. Can you imagine the agony she wrestled with to not be wrong again? Second guessing every action.
I am praying that through the grace of God, you will learn to trust the Holy Spirit in you again. I am praying against the fear that is binding you. Rest my friend. God is aware of every piece of this journey for you. It may feel like He is not working fast enough, but do trust that He is faithful to you. Always.
@gritandglory says:
wow.
i’ve been pondering something else about the first few chapters of genesis. i think i need to spend some time there and really think through both these things.
thanks, melissa!
I know all the external confidence won’t help BUT I’m gonna give it anyways. You are wise…very wise. Passionate. Loving. Did I say wise? Solid.
I love you.
@gritandglory says:
wise? woah.
thank you, friend.
@atangie says:
I would think that the most scary part of it all is that there is not a 1,2,3 to “fix” it.
Another thing that might be helpful is to connect with someone you do trust, someone who won’t think you’re crazy or paranoid, who cares and wants to help. Run your thoughts by them as a sounding board. Let them help you figure out if you’re on target or getting a little off base. When someone else is able to validate our thoughts and feelings, it helps!
@mandythompson says:
My first question, when reading through this post, was: HOW IN THE WORLD do you climb out of all this if you don’t trust yourself and you don’t trust others to tell you when you need to trust yourself?
I sat here paralyzed by my own hopelessness for you, realizing that there’s no way you could climb out of this if you spent your waking hours (which are FAR too many than there should be for any adult woman who needs her sleep) second-guessing third-guessing fourth-guessing everything.
Then. While flipping through all the comments, I realized that deep down inside yourself you already know the answer, and this is what inspires me about you: you refuse to stay in all this. You refuse to stay in ALL this.
Down within you, and at the tail end of so many of your posts, there’s a tiny bit of hope – a faith that “this too shall pass” – that it won’t always be this way.
Amen, Sister. Keep the faith.
@gritandglory says:
i wanted to hug you when i read this.
there’s a tiny corner inside me that knows it won’t always be this way. the rest of me clings to that because i simply HAVE to. but sometimes i lose my grip on it and hope eludes me… even in those moments, though, that tiny corner still knows.
i refuse to stay in all this.
thank you for putting some fight back in me today. i love you.
http://thenoreaster.wordpress.com/2009/09/05/pstorm-201/
http://thenoreaster.wordpress.com/2009/07/17/pstorm-110/
http://thenoreaster.wordpress.com/2009/07/17/pstorm-79/
(Sorry for so many different comments for the links; I didn’t want to end up in spam.)
@gritandglory says:
favorite…
man. i struggle with this. big time.
When I first read this, the verse that came to mind was “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” but i definitely think there are some preliminary steps one has to take to get to a place of trusting in the Lord. faith and belief are personal choices. we need to trust our own intuition, etc. however, God takes us wherever we are at. however much trust we do/are able to have.
But however much we do/don’t trust ourselves doesn’t affect how much God trusts us. He trusts us with proclaiming the gospel. Us. He doesn’t use some sketchy perfect God-powers to spread the message. He uses us. As imperfect as we are. To teach of his perfection and live by his redemption.
And because the king of the universe trusts us, it makes it a lot easier for me to trust him and then myself. but it’s definitely pretty dang difficult for me to trust myself when my trust in God is lacking. i think those two are directly proportional to each other.
you’re on my heart. praying for you.
@traceepersiko says:
Doubt is a hard thing to shake. You have great discernment. You see things. The truth is there and you are great about seeing it. our stuff gets mixed in there that creates doubt. Lenses can mess with our perceptions as well. I find it hard to get through that part. I know i can sense something off, but what about when my lenses affect that feeling too?
Trust is my greatest area of struggle. I respond physically and emotionally to that word. Trust will be that one thing, i think, i will need someone greater than me for the rest of my life.
@gritandglory says:
you explained that better than i did. it’s my lenses that make me hypersensitive. so the tension i feel is wondering if what i’m feeling is discernment (AKA right assessment of the situation) or just my skewed perception because of my lenses.
gah.
I think that you can trust yourself – your instincts. They served you right before. You just didn’t listen to them because you chose to love, and that includes believing the best. I think there also had to be some sense of being in total shock which would numb your ability to act. (I don’t know – been in a different situation – but a similar response.) But your instincts proved right.
I think now it is not the “are your instincts off or on” that will be the big question, but the “how do you respond to those instincts”. I think where the looking like it is paranoia will be if you react to your gut telling you something is off with a full-blown reaction like “this” is like “that” was. It may be a matter of listening to your instincts, but learning to take them as a caution sign and a warning to wait, watch, and pay attention.
I react to some people with no clear reason why. At times, I never know why, but I decide if they are important enough to keep watching and see if my gut feeling on them changes or if I just walk away. Usually my instincts are right – something is not right. The challenge will be in not jumping to conclusions as to what that something is.
Trust your instincts. God gave them to you. And your instincts will tell you to trust God, even when your fear tells you not to.
@gritandglory says:
“It may be a matter of listening to your instincts, but learning to take them as a caution sign and a warning to wait, watch, and pay attention.” — yes! so, so good.
After all the chips lay on the ground, I WAS able to look back and realize that I should have put so much more stock in my sense of what was going on. At the time, I felt like I was crazy because I was being told so often that my perception of things was wrong, when in fact it wasn’t. Now that my intuition is no longer coming under fire I’m getting the chance to re-establish it. There’s still a ways to go for me, but it’s a step…
Trust is hard in general..being able to trust yourself is even harder. But know that you are a child of God. And also know that the Holy Spirit is within you to help you with discernment.
As always, I’m praying for peace within you…God is good.
Oh, fickle trust.
So hard to offer again when sin and other peoples actions and words have ripped your heart to shreds and made your soul scream for peace.
For a long time, I had to cling to the truth that the things that have happened “to” me because of my sin and because of other people’s sin, while devastating to live through and recover from, were necessary. Without those experiences, I would have never have been able to shed my stronghold of dependence on others for love, value, acceptance. Without them, I would not have crawled through the open doorway to sweet communion and utter dependence on God, the only one I can truly trust with the love and care of my soul. And without those experiences, I would not have a basis with which to discern Truth from Lies.
I have been working through Beth Moore’s Praying God’s Word, and a few passages come to mind from the pages that have really ministered to me in this same area. Really, the whole thing is awesome :-)
Lord, even though I may feel covered in darkness, even the darkness will not be dark to You, the night will shine like the day, for the darkness is as light to You (Ps. 139:12) Cloak me in your presence, God, for in You in no darkness at all.
This then is how I know that I belong to the truth, and how I set my heart at rest in Your presence whenever my heart condemns me. For You, God, are greater then my heart and You know everything (1 John 3:19)
Lord, my God, You long to be gracious to me; You rise to show me compassion. For You, the Lord, are a God of justice, Blessed are all who wait for You! We the people of God, will one day weep no more. How gracious You will be when I cry for help! As soon as You hear, You will answer me. Although You, Lord, have at times given me the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, my teachers will one day be hidden no more’ with my own eyes I will see them. Whether I turn to the right or the left, my ears will hear a voice behind me, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” (Isa. 30-18-21)
Blessings to you today Alece. The authenticity and openness with which you share your heart and cling to God are exactly what I needed to hear today.
@gritandglory says:
thank you for those prayers/verses! so beautiful and rich.
Wow, that was long! :-)
@JewelzSightings says:
Alece,
Timing is everything… I don’t understand it all, I just know it’s true. God allows things to come to light in the moment of time that you are ready. At least that has been my experience.
Choose one step, one moment to trust in Him… It’s a risk, yea… for sure… But look at the alternative. What else is there but trust? In my opinion everything usually comes back to “can I really trust the heart of God.” It all started in the Garden of Eden when the serpent told Eve that God was holding out on her. If you will trust Him enough to allow Him to tell you the truth of what He sees, who He is, who you are to Him… you will begin to move into a place that transforms you. Then before you know it, you will find something astounding has happened. You will trust you again!
Sometimes God allows things to be hidden for a reason. He sees things we cannot see.
I don’t doubt that you had intuition… God was preparing your heart for one of the worst days of your life.
I would strongly encourage you to take a journal, draw away to a quiet place… and ask God some questions about that time in your life.. that fateful day, the days that led up to it.
Ask Him where He was. Ask Him what He saw going on. Ask Him what was true. Let HIm speak His words to your heart.
Much has been betrayed…. yet He has never left you… trust Him. That’s enough!
@gritandglory says:
this is the third reference to the Garden of Eden in just as many days. i’ve gotta spend some time in Genesis…
you know, i don’t ask God questions nearly often enough. tonight in my divorce recovery small group someone said something about a past season of asking God why. (why did this happen? sorts of questions) and i realized i’ve never asked Him that. not once. i was left pondering what that says about me… i’m not sure yet. but it’s definitely something i’m gonna mull over.
and maybe eventually even ask God about. ;)
@JewelzSightings says:
Alece,
I think sometimes we are afraid to ask the questions because we are afraid of what we will hear. The way we see ourselves, feel about ourselves…. well we think God thinks it too. Again to the Garden…. when Adam & Eve took that road….shame entered the world. Shame has covered us ever since but sometimes we don’t see it. Most, at best, think they are a disappointment to someone…. others, God…. because for sure they are a disappointment to themselves.
We see ourselves through the eyes of the world, or circumstances, or things do to us or things we’ve done. We hear things, believe things…. it alters our idenity. It leaves us with insecurities, which is disguised as “I don’t like this about myself” or “I screw up here”.. or “I’m too much” or “I’m not enough”…..Those are not the eyes God sees us through.
The point of going to Him and asking HIm the questions is so that we might hear the truth that will set us free. For He sees us as we are… robed in the righteousness of Christ. On our worst day we are the righteousness of Christ. It’s stunning to think about it.
I have found in my 29 years of walking with God that the most imperative thing for my life is laying aside the “old” and entering into the “new”.. Allowing Christ’s finished work to have it’s place in my life…. It is imperative that I live in that new identity that Christ brought to me. To live in it, I have to know who He sees me to be. I have to love myself.. in loving myself, He reveals what He has always known about me.
I pray you will be able to ask Him some questions… about who HE knows you to be. I think it will rock your world. It has mine!
It is about your relationship with God, not about trusting your instincts, if you have a close relationship with Him then you will think like Him, and “your instincts” will be His voice inside you, He would renew you mind, but if you try to find the way out with your own strengh and ideas without a deep relationship is gonna be more difficult.
I´ve been reading some of your posts and you still call that guy “husband” . The word husband is repeated in your blog too much, I think what he did it´s really terrible, very sad, but it was his desition, his fault not yours, each person is responsible of their own actions, I think you were lucky because God saved you from him. He respects our desitions, and He saves us from our desitions too, but we can learn from everything. Romans 8 28-39.
@gritandglory says:
the divorce isn’t final, so he still is my husband.
and i agree – it’s about trusting God more than it’s about trusting myself.
(desition =decision[ the same in spanish])
Now I finally understand, your husband for one year and a half had been telling you that you were wrong, and you knew you were right, and you were right, now it is clear.
I hope you can take the right decision.
Take it one instance at a time. Trust your gut once (on something that feels “little”) and see where it takes you. I can tell you the exact moment I realized I had stopped trusting my gut and shouldn’t have. That moment I made a monumental decision to ignore my gut and it ended up costing me thousands (I purchased a car at the urging of a boyfriend who, at the time I thought was to become my husband but later proved less than a model choice… My gut was basically screaming at me NOT to buy the car and I ignored it. HARD consequences from that one.). I had to learn to take it one little step at a time – go with my gut once and feel pretty ok when it turned out I was right and then one more time and so on and now… I don’t even call it my gut anymore. I call it the guidance of the Holy Spirit and I’m MUCH better at listening and following. Just as an fyi…I purchased that car in 2000. I didn’t start calling it listening to the Holy Spirit until 2005. There is a learning curve and it takes time… give yourself that & try not to beat yourself up over it all. You have had a major shock, a shock worse than death… who can pinpoint the grieving period? The healing period….
@gritandglory says:
i really appreciated you sharing your own experience with this. thank you, bonnie!
Let the Holy Spirit lead you. He is in you and you will know what is truth regardless of what it looks like. Feelings are not always fact. That was an important lesson for me to learn and it is a good thing to remember. The world would have us believe that feelings are always right.
Alece, stand in what you know … you are a beloved daughter of the King and He will not steer you wrong. Anything that causes you to lean in the direction of doubt and discouragement is not from the Lord. I am so proud of you! You rock!
Loving you bunches and ever so thankful for your friendship!
Ughhhhhh. Alece, I can’t say it any better than everyone who’s already commented. I will say that I love what Tam’s “not soft side” had to say.
I haven’t gone through what you have, but I can identify with some of what you’re describing. The part where you were hurt and now you don’t trust yourself. Been there. Felt that.
Still praying for you to be FREE of all of this!
@gritandglory says:
FREE! yes! thank you, mary.
Alece… first off – Go Tam – love her words :)
Alece….I think what speaks volumes is that your heart did not STOP speaking the entire time, and your ears did not stop listening… you DID hear yourself through the whole process… and that is very good! That is the sign of someone who sees reality, someone who is trustworthy, someone who is walking on solid footing….
see… I went back and read your Oct 22 post and you said “I knew my husband was having an affair. All eighteen months, I knew.”
I would probably be much more worried about you if you had said, “there was nothing in me that attested to the fact that he was cheating…”
Your discernment and intuition – I would bet – are probably some of your STRONGEST qualities (not weakest, most definitely NOT damaged as “the liar satan” is trying to convince you) – if they were not so strong, why would the enemy be trying to convince you that they are not? They are qualities that probably motivate you to action too, right? And it is in that action… you are a powerful woman of God…
I have walked where you are walking… I have heard the lies that go like this:
“You were clueless… you are untrustworthy… you can’t make good decisions… you will get hurt again… you will always be skeptical…”
When in reality –
I was not clueless & neither are you (if we had been – I wouldn’t have had an inner “knowing”),
I COULD trust myself & so can you (Obviously I had good discernment because my spirit and my entire body were testifying to something I couldn’t prove),
I CAN make good decisions & so can you (I had to look backward and see this SLEW of great decisions I had made w/friendships, ministry, career decisions, etc – looks like you have a few of those great decisions in your past too :) ),
I will get hurt again (Yes I will just as we all will – this is a fact of life – BUT getting hurt doesn’t preclude me from having healthy relationships)
You will always be skeptical (Wrong word satan – the correct word is this – I have always and will always have discernment – Oh, and another thing slimy satan – I am able to use that discernment to make good decisions and act on them … Alece – you attested to this ability when you confronted your spouse…when you entered into ministry…when you chose to open your heart and start sharing your story – a ministry in itself that has allowed others to enter into this conversation and feel safe… )
Perhaps six months, perhaps a year, perhaps lesss even, I promise you … from someone who has been there… you WILL look yourself in the mirror and have a rock solid grounding in your intuitive abilities for people, things, ministry, and nothing will be able to shatter this – ever.
And until then, don’t mind me – I’m just going to go kick the enemy in his behind. See, it’s his behind because I’m going to prayer-chase him away from your thought life girlfriend…
Its on!
@gritandglory says:
my heart is shouting YES to everything you wrote.
thank you for infusing faith into me, jenny. i needed that.
@marjie216 says:
thinking of you, alece…
The Journey
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice –
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do –
determined to save
the only life you could save.
~ Mary Oliver ~
@gritandglory says:
woah.
that is so, so powerful. thank you, marjie.
keep talking to Him. (i’m smiling…)