a forest of feelings
No one will ever understand how my heart physically hurts when the ache comes flooding in at night. I’ll never find sufficient words to describe the pain I feel in the deepest part of me, where only the strongest of emotions are felt. Others may relate, or empathize, but they will never comprehend. Personal pain is as unique as our fingerprints.
Imagining that this would be easier if someone, anyone, could grasp what I’m going through is nothing more than a lie I tell myself.
I believe God was telling the truth when He said He understands. But it doesn’t make me feel less lonely in the hurt. Maybe it should. Maybe it doesn’t because I lack faith. I don’t know.
But if the knowledge that God understands my heartache doesn’t make me feel unalone, then I guess knowing that a friend gets it wouldn’t either.
Why do I like to pretend it would?
Maybe because it gives me license to focus more on what people can’t grasp, can’t help me carry, than on what they actually can. Maybe it’s just another layer of self-protection I’ve built around my heart—a hesitancy to let people in on my personal pain because “they won’t get it anyway”.
But suffering done in silence is the most excruciating, because loneliness magnifies pain. I know.
I’m the tree falling in the forest.
And I want someone around to hear me.
at 2:34 am…i’m listening.
i hear.
i’m blinking.
…and i need a refill.
I hear too……and I love you. enough said! :)
@ventigrace says:
I know I’ll never fully grasp it friend… but I also know that you’ll never be fully alone… because I’m “here”… and I ALWAYS will be.
you are loved.
I am here … I am listening … and more than that He is. He has promised “I will never leave you or forsake you.” You may not “feel” it but feelings are not always fact. You are not alone. He is sitting there, catching all of your tears. I am praying you tangibly feel His loving arms around you. In the meantime, I am sending mine, as are so many others who love you dearly, too.
@atangie says:
How do you know if you are being heard?
@gritandglory says:
i don’t know.
maybe that’s the problem.
such a good question…
i’m hearing many trees fall lately.
it’s oddly comforting. not because of the hurts i’m witnessing and experiencing. but because it helps me to see the trees – not the forest. and it’s bringing my life back into perspective.
i’m wondering…
what can i do with those trees that fall? in some ways, i know i need to sawmill it up so they can be purposeful again. so i can have a meaning and a use again.
@gritandglory says:
i’mma be chewing on your final thoughts there, friend…
me too. and i used third and first person both in that last part on purpose. not only do i know fallen trees, but i have a couple of my own. maybe they were just saplings, but i have plenty of things falling down around me.
but that last part? it wasn’t me talking. i looked at it on the screen and thought “wow. i really do need to do that.” totally the holy spirit talking and reminding me on that one.
Pain is individual, as you say, and even when another has endured tremendous pain, it will never be your exact experience. But, at the very least, having one…just one who gets it…helps.
Sure, some of us may think we get it, due to the pain we’ve endured. But in reality, the only One who knows is the One who sees every second of your life. The One who has walked with you…through all of it.
Sometimes He walks beside us in silence. At other times He comes crashing in to speak His Words of wisdom. But most often, He seems to whisper Words of love and understanding and comfort.
I do best when I go to Him for comfort. Turning to others is never quite as completely satisfying as going to One who loves unconditionally. Seeking Him…Crying out to Him…even screaming…moaning…hoping for relief…He hears it all.
I always thought the answer to that riddle was, “YES, God hears the tree falling. He is everywhere.”
You are not alone, Alece…ever.
(glossing)
@moweezle says:
you’re right…we will not truly understand the pain you are going through….never 100%. But we are here for you. We are listening and we are here.
Love you!
@coloraturajoy says:
alece, you are so transparent here. i hurt for you when i read these words. and though i feel you’re right that each person’s unique pains are not possibly felt by anyone else, at least there may be a VERY slight amount of comfort found in the fact that we all at times feel the loneliness of being that tree that falls in the forest.
…
still lifting you up in prayer. ♥
@traceepersiko says:
sorry you feel lonely and sick of the stage of life you are in. SUCK! how have you known comfort in the past?
rowing for comfort. some deeeeep down, dirty south, peace for you.
@gritandglory says:
i need to think about that one, SF.
@traceepersiko says:
DSD
@gritandglory says:
to the list!
Loved with everlasting love, led by grace that love to know;
Gracious Spirit from above, Thou hast taught me it is so!
O this full and perfect peace! O this transport all divine!
In a love which cannot cease, I am His, and He is mine.
In a love which cannot cease, I am His, and He is mine.
Heav’n above is softer blue, Earth around is sweeter green!
Something lives in every hue Christless eyes have never seen;
Birds with gladder songs o’erflow, flowers with deeper beauties shine,
Since I know, as I now know, I am His, and He is mine.
Since I know, as I now know, I am His, and He is mine.
Things that once were wild alarms cannot now disturb my rest;
Closed in everlasting arms, pillowed on the loving breast.
O to lie forever here, doubt and care and self resign,
While He whispers in my ear, I am His, and He is mine.
While He whispers in my ear, I am His, and He is mine.
His forever, only His; Who the Lord and me shall part?
Ah, with what a rest of bliss Christ can fill the loving heart!
Heav’n and earth may fade and flee, firstborn light in gloom decline;
But while God and I shall be, I am His, and He is mine.
But while God and I shall be, I am His, and He is mine
You are right. I do not understand your pain. And neither will anyone else.
Then again, you will never understand my pain. And neither will anyone else.
So just what was God thinking when He made us all so incompetent?
Or, maybe our stubborn insistence for understanding is not the answer.
Maybe listening is the greatest gift in the midst of grief, when all that is said in such silence is quite simply, “You are worthy of my time, my effort, and my attention. I will not see your anger. I will not see your doubts. I will not see your sins. I will not see if you listen to my useless, stupid advice. But today, now, over just this one cup of coffee–maybe two–I will see you. And that, my friend, is why I am listening.”
Through each and every one of my storms, that is all I have ever wanted.
God knows, I’ve had more than I can bear…
…I get jealous when grandmothers die.
@gritandglory says:
[tell me you didn't just lose your grandma, too...]
and yes, to be seen… man, that goes a long way.
[My grandmothers went Home a while ago; I was just thinking about longevity. As opposed to, you know, short-evity.]
Being seen sure does go a long way. And it is, I’ve found, a very rare spiritual gift.
When I once went through a horrible time in my life I tried so desperately to “get people to understand” and people tried, I think. I know they did. And I am pretty sure some had been through some of the same heartache I had been through but even then it didn’t really matter to me. It didn’t curb my hurt and sometimes it even made it hurt more. Like I wasn’t really wallowing, but somehow I “knew” they couldn’t possibly understand what I had been through and why I felt the way I did. Their situations were all different and so I never really wanted to hear their drama because I was barely breathing. I wanted a companion on my journey like you but so many times all I wanted was to be alone because nobody understood anything anyways (so I thought). I don’t know if this even helps you, but when you are ready – I know for a fact that there are a ton of people ready to listen and love you right where you are at. You are a gift to all of us, Alece and I can’t speak for anybody but me…but I am pretty solid on the fact that as you grow and learn and seek and mature everyday in the mist of this crazy, you are growing into more of what the Holy One has intended all along. Never to mistake that what brought you “here” was His plan…but I am positive that who you are becoming (in total surrender) actually is.
@gritandglory says:
that last sentence is so powerful. and so good for my heart to hear.
Your exactly right Alece, “Personal pain is as unique as our fingerprints.” No one can know exactly how anyone else feels when they are in pain. From my experience emotional pain is much harder to deal with then physical pain.
Night is the worst, because we have none of the distractions of work, and living, to occupy our minds. I spent many sleepless nights because of this. I’d read, watch TV, anything to occupy my mind, until I was so exhausted my mind finally shut down. Sometimes even this did not work.
However, as you say, we are never truly alone. As a Christ Follower you should take comfort in knowing your God is always with you. Family and friends are also there to help you, and you have a lot of friends.
If we say we are alone, than we are either blind, or have closed our heart, or as you say built a layer of self protection around it.
Love is the only perscription I know of for a broken heart. It does take a lot of courage to break down that wall of self protection, and open our hearts to love again. We will not heal our heart until we do.
@gritandglory says:
i do the same exact thing with my nights… you described it perfectly.
Nights are the most painful. Like a magnifying glass has been placed over the wound.
I remember.
Love you.
@gritandglory says:
nights are SO hard…
@cassgirl says:
My toes haven’t touch the wake in a few days now,,, SHAME.
But that hasn’t stopped me praying for you. You are inspiration to me, to keep going and push harder. I know it’s heavy and the burden is suffocating, but you haven’t given up.
In the those lonely times I know He will cradle you in His arms if you allow it.
I love you fiercely… Know that, believe in that!
We all experience pain to a greater or lesser degree. It isn’t that pain needs to be understood by others, but that those who are close to us are willing to participate with us in it. Weep with those who weep, laugh with those who laugh, mourn with those who mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice. Being alone in life is the real pain that there is no answer for, except to risk connection with other people. When we lost our 2 1/2 year old daughter suddenly in her sleep, the body of Christ surrounded us and held us up when our strength had vanished and our hearts failed. Thank You Lord Jesus for your people!
May the Lord Jesus Himself raise up His people to love you and share life with you, especially in times of pain.
@gritandglory says:
i don’t know how you found the grit, but i’m so glad you spoke up.
and my heart swelled to hear how you were surrounded and strengthened by so many in the face of such tragedy. thank you for your prayers for me to experience the same.
Hi Alece,
I am Brian G’s wife & I wanted to echo his sentiments. Like YOU said (I’m paraphrasing, of course) in your blog, suffering in isolation is like death to the very core of our souls.
The pain that I’ve endured in the deepest recesses of my heart, after suddenly losing our precious Emily Grace (who nursed till the day she died) cannot even be understood by my hubby, b/c his paternal connection was not the same as my maternal bond. Never to be interpreted that he didn’t love her w/ all of his heart & soul ~ just different, ya know?
I’m so sorry for the pain that you’re enduring ~ and like Brian said, I pray that His people ~ Jesus in skin ~ would surround you with love, support & when no words are adequate, just a simple tear, hug & assurance of their love & prayers…
God bless you, Sister! On that Glorious Day ~ we’ll get to meet face-to-face, and spend Eternity getting to know each other! ;)
@gritandglory says:
i am so glad you came by. thank you for sharing your beautiful heart. i am so sorry for your loss. and i understand fully what you mean — the pain you feel can’t be related to by even your husband. his pain is the same but altogether different….
God has truly been faithful to me. He has put some surprising friends in my life during this season when i need it the most. Godly women who i pray will be in my life for life. they’ve supported me and carried me when i didn’t have the strength to stand on my own.
i so appreciate you and your heart. thank you again…
@mandythompson says:
I read this a few days ago. I came back here to check up on things & I want to tell you that I read it a few days ago. But I didn’t comment because this isn’t the kind of post where comments come easily. They come more as a rush of feeling – blank – wordless – feeling.
I feel so deeply for your situation. Never is it a feeling that comprehends or matches your own. But I feel so deeply. And I love you. And I want it all to go away. And I’m so sorry that there’s no one that can feel what you’re feeling right now with you in this place.
You ready to talk yet?
Email me and I’ll send you my cell number.
When you’re ready.
(… wishing I had a magic formula …)
You know, after reading Kristi’s comment up there, I am reminded of something I learned recently. You know that passage in the Bible where the guy hid his money in the ground? And when the Master came back and asked him why he hid it he said, “I knew you were a hard man, reaping where you did not sow and gathering where you scattered no seed.” I never really understood that part. The guy seems not to love the Master, and paints the Master in a negative light – which the Master then accepts as truth! It always puzzled me. Then something happened recently which made me see it in a whole new light. The man was wicked, yes, and so he’s displaying the anger of the enemy at the Master. Thus, the enemy is angry at God for something He legitimately does. So what is it that He does? He reaps where He didn’t sow, and gathers where He didn’t scatter seed. In other words, He reaps everything good from a planting of everything bad. He can take a crop of thorns, and harvest a crop of wheat. He can take all of our pain, and still harvest joy out of it.
It has been such freedom for me to realize this. Even if I mess up – ignorantly or deliberately – He is still capable of reaping something good out of it! Or if anyone else sows a crop of negativity and heart-ache in my life … He is still able to harvest blessing and joy out of it! All He needs is the willingness of my heart to surrender. He does not need my perfection or theirs.
I hope that helps you. Know as well that you are constantly surrounded. There is not one second where you are not.
@gritandglory says:
woah.
WOAH.
that was SO good. thank you, friend…
Wow.
God speaks some amazing truths through you, Sparkle.
(Thanks for sending me here, Alece…wow.)
I am humbled and amazed by both of you ladies. I’m glad I had food to share when you were hungry …
@bajanpoet says:
Oh. My. Word.
This hits me in so many ways… Thank you Annie boo… The fact that GOD WILL REAP A GOOD HARVEST OUT OF MY PAIN (where HE didn’t sow!) IS SUCH A NEEDED BLESSING….. Oh I had to shout it…. It is exactly what I need to hear right now.
Thank you so much… I agree 1000% with Michelle… God speaks AMAZING stuff through you. I am SO glad you are my friend and sister….
Love you Sparkle….
I am so humbled that something I said months ago is having such an impact today. It makes me happy on a level I can’t explain to know that my words (which God taught me) are providing bread for the hungry. I love to eat. :) And I’m so glad to share.
WOW. Good word, Annie, good word…
He reaps good from what He did not sow… I will be chewing on this for awhile… bookmarking this page.
@danielleH says:
i’m sorry that i just now saw this post.
i don’t know what you are feeling. but please know that i love you and still cry for you.
I love you! My heart hurts so much for you. I wish I could take your pain away…I cry for you and your pain. Let God wrap you in his arms…
I love you! My heart hurts so much for you. I wish I could take your pain away…I cry for you and your pain. Let God wrap you in his arms…and yes, everyone suffers a different kind of pain. I have suffered in way no one else can understand…but no matter what God loves you!
I love you! My heart hurts so much for you. I wish I could take your pain away…I cry for you and your pain. Let God wrap you in his arms…and yes, everyone suffers a different kind of pain. I have suffered in way no one else can understand…but no matter what God loves you! His love will never leave you…no matter what!