a day like this
Ever have a day force itself on you like an unwanted telemarketer?
Today is one of those days.
It’s unavoidable really. Maybe in a few years it will slip by, barely noticed… but even that’s not likely. The jarring interruption, how it causes my breath to catch in my throat… that will eventually subside. But I will always remember.
How could I not?
We celebrated his birthday together for 11 years.
This is the second one apart.
And I can’t help but be painfully aware today of all I’ve lost… all I grieve… all I miss. It’s everywhere. All around me. All inside me. Constant.
Yet… it isn’t as sharp as last year. It doesn’t linger like it did. It doesn’t ache quite so deeply. And for that I am grateful.
It’s only in these mile markers that I even notice my own heart’s progress. It’s nearly impossible to see as the mountains and valleys of my journey rise and fall day to day.
The process of putting one foot in front of the other looks blurringly the same. Step… step… step…
But today I have a glimpse of a signpost from a year ago. And mixed in with the bittersweetness of the day is a strange sigh of relief. Dare I call it hope? I don’t know… Ask me in a few hours…
This much I know is true: There is both a joy and sadness in remembering.
And I’m okay with that.
@mat2820b says:
Sending you hugs, my dear. Your poise is remarkable.
@dg4G says:
ditto what Jen said :)
Though I’d probably not call you dear, huh…
Give it time.
Soon, you will only remember that you forgot.
(Britany’s birthday is this month, but I can’t for the life of remember how old she would have been had she not taken all those pills. Heck, I can’t even remember the day…)
Arrrrgggggghhhh!! So painful. This exact emotion is one I remember. The pain of remembering what was. However you are right on the money here Alece when you ask ‘dare I call it hope?’ Oh yes girl you do call it hope. It is another step forward. I so ‘get’ the one step after another becoming bluringly the same. But girl you are farther forward today than before. Keep hanging on to Jesus. Keep sharing your heart and your aching journey. He alone will carry you through. Bless you heaps.
Stephie
Alece, I love you.
May you be washed in Jesus love for you from head to foot on this day and savor the new traditions He is building up in you.
I’m praying and sending you a cold winter hug form SA today
I’m proud of you. *hugs*
Love you Lecers……. Wish I could be where you are to give you a great big hug.
Loving your from Florida, soon to be Georgia! ::hugs::
The fact that you can find the JOY as well as the pain in “a day like this” is incredible, Alece. And I love that you can see your heart’s progress. I pray for more progress, more noticing that progress and fewer days like this!
@LindseyHartz says:
Joy lives in the embrace of your Father, in every single moment of painful remembrance, in every precious second of getting through right now, and in every sweet glimpse of the future He has laid out for you.
Love you and will be in constant prayer for you today!
Lindsey
You know, I’m not a doctor, but I play one in blog comments sometimes. My prescription for you is 100cc of Swedish Fish stat. Run to the nearest Walgreens or CVS or whatever drug store is closest to you. Wash it down with an Arizona Iced Tea Arnold Palmer. Then watch something stupid on TV like Burn Notice.
And seriously…I walked the same road as you…and it’s been five years here and the last one wasn’t even a blip on my radar. Healing will come.
My prescription of choice is chocolate. And not the cheap, waxy stuff, either.
Hugs, Alece!
go for the dove milk chocolate. . .mmmm
go for the dove milk chocolate. . .mmmm. . .and a diet coke.
@atangie says:
“Dare I call it hope”
You are a brave soul, Alece.
I hang up on unwanted telemarketers. I vote for that. ;o)
Love you!
“Yet… it isn’t as sharp as last year. It doesn’t linger like it did.”
YES!!!! Progress sweet friend… achingly bitersweet I know… but it’s progress! Rejoicing with you.
December 4. that is the ex-him’s day. It is now a fleeting thought. No longer lingers… but a niggle in the back of my head on that day reminds me its that day.
Did I mention I still remember his social security number too? Tee hee… could do a world of hurt with that one.
What?!? Wha??? :) (insert devious giggle here)
Yes, I know, sort of, what you talk about. Last night I was going through some pictures on my facebook and I found one of me and my sisters having a sleepover. It was the night before my mom died. I remember that night, thinking, “I wish God would just take her. Let this all be over with.” And then days later realizing how foolish that prayer was. For weeks I wished I could have her back, even sick.
But… the past week has been different. Yes, a sigh of hope. Of moving on. Of how complete God is, to put glue pieces of other things into that gaping hole in our chest, until we feel just as full, maybe fuller, than we once did… even though the pain is still there.
It’s grace.
Praying for extra portions for you today.
Actually… I should rephrase my above comment. I have no idea what you are going through… but… my prayer for you remains the same. :)
love you.
I am blessed that you can find joy as well as sadness. You are tough and strong.
The phrase “come to her like the rain” (Hos. 6) came to mind as I read this. Rain re-hydrates. It washes away.
You know what one of the thoughts I had with the “if you had one wish” post was? That your pain would be taken away. Seriously. But the little I know of grieving, it’s how necessary it is to go through it.
Keep making those markers. It reminds me of the altars the Israelites were told to build, usually after a great victory, so they wouldn’t forget.
Keep taking each step…… step……. step.
Bittersweet. That’s how it feels. The first year every special day just hurts. But as time goes on and God gives healing, it becomes more sweet than bitter.
Saturday was our 17th anniversary. We haven’t celebrated in 4 years. In about 2 weeks the divorce will be finalized. This was the first time I was happy all day long. It once again became a day of celebration, for a different reason — our daughter was baptized on Saturday. One more way that God redeems those days, giving a new and beautiful memory to replace the sad ones.
Oddly enough, Sanctus Real’s “These Things Take Time” is playing behind me. It’s probably the best thing I can offer you outside of a hug and a Starbucks invite. You’re in my prayers sista…keep your chin and your eyes up. God will see you through this.
praying for your heart today, stranger.
Praying for the total healing of your heart and wondering how the Lord is going to use this for your good and His glory. Grace, mercy and restoration are His gifts. Please let it all play out here … where I am so blessed by you. Destiny
When I read your posts like this I think of my sister in law who lost her daughter 4 months ago. I would love to send her this, but right now I doubt it would help. But it does give me hope that she will have these same milestones and be able to look back and see how far she’s come. Thanks for sharing. Sorry it was a tough day.
oh sweet alece. . .i can totally empathize with that pain. i wish i could just squeeze you in a hug right now and cry some tears with you. i remember the day of j.’s birthday by 7pm my head hurt so bad from crying i thought it might explode. i am praying for you right this second and here is my virtual ((hug)) to you. in the worst moments i cling to, “and we know the Lord works all things together for good for them who love Him, for them who are called according to His purpose ((rom. 8:28)).” i don’t quote that lightly to you, sweet friend. . .it is a lifeline. i am certain you feel the same way. love love love.
We can’t erase the past, and shouldn’t.
Reflecting back over the last 12 months of your blog post I see your are building new memories, with new and old friends, that point to a hope filled future.
@iloveblogs44 says:
I’m so sorry you are going through this, but this day is almost over (or maybe it already is where you live!) Been thinking about you and sending prayers since I read this earlier today (just now having time to post a comment…this sharing a computer with a 15-year-old is a bit of a challenge…ha!) I have no idea what you are going through since I’ve been single for 30 years, but imagine a change like this is crazy tough…but all you can do is put one foot in front of the other, step by step…and let your friends give you a shoulder to lean on when your feet can’t do it alone.
Take care.
@danielleH says:
Hello G&G –
‘Member me?!
You are so brave. Inspringly-ness-ing brave :)
praise the Lord for the joy in the remembering. Thank you God, for that small bit of relief.
I can’t even imagine the pain.
I have imagined it at times; the permanence of a date that once meant something meaning something no longer. It’s like … one day out of 365 incontrovertibly ripped from you.
I have had to give up many “days” in the past year. I feel like my heart has been anesthetized against the pain of most of them, but it is still there. We haven’t celebrated one special day of any kind in the last year. Birthdays, holidays, Christmas, New Years … nothing. I’ve told him that if/when this passes and everything is restored, I want do-overs. Of every single one.
I wonder … is there an instance in the Bible where a date was changed from a day of mourning to a day of feasting? Esther, perhaps? Perhaps there’s some way to change your days and rob the enemy that has robbed you. Man, wouldn’t that be a triumph.