deepest of heartaches
Tears are streaming down my face…
My heart is in my throat…
And I feel like throwing up.
Again.
All I can say is… Thank you for your prayers. And for simply letting me know you’re there…
: : :
Read the complete partner letter here →
A Note from Our Founder
As you’ve been aware while walking this road with us, the past two years have been extremely difficult for Thrive. We have encountered significant challenges that far exceed any other obstacle we’ve overcome in the past 13 years of ministry.
In spite of every effort to raise funds, our financial support has continued to dwindle. For the first time since our inception, we’ve found ourselves unable to sustain our basic operating expenses, for multiple months in a row.
Last month the Board of Directors came to the point of needing to make the most difficult decision we’ve ever made. We will officially be closing our operations in South Africa at the conclusion of the ministry year.
I am thankful that the closing of Thrive doesn’t mean a ceasing of the vital work we have been doing. We are supporting the launch of a new ministry, Ignite South Africa, through several of our staff members who will carry on large aspects of our programming.
I ask that you prayerfully consider continuing your partnership with us through April 2011. Incoming finances will be used to provide our indigenous ministry staff with severance pay and clear Thrive’s operational debts. It is our desire to finish strong and honorably in every way, and we need your help to do that.
We have much to celebrate and rejoice about as we look back at over a decade of ministry together in Africa. God has done incredible things, and you have been a vital part of that. Thank you for allowing Him to use you to bring the light and hope of Jesus to so many.
I so appreciate your ongoing prayers for me, our entire staff team, and everyone whose lives are deeply impacted by this transition. Thank you for everything.
With love, thankfulness, sorrow, and hope, my heart still believes…
God is good.
Read the complete partner letter here →
unsure
I haven’t written a blog post in three weeks.
I’m serious.
Maybe that confuses you since there’s been posts here at The Grit during that time. But that’s purely the miracle of Scheduled Posts right there.
And now…
Now I’m all out of pre-recorded messages.
I’ve got no more scheduled posts in my pocket.
So there will most likely be a bit of silence here for a while as I navigate through some difficult and painful stuff. Or try to anyway…
I haven’t been online very much, and I most likely will continue to be offline for a bit longer. But when I do get a moment to check in, I wanna try to catch up with you.
I’ve missed you.
I miss feeling connected to you.
So leave me a link to your favorite personal blog post from the past couple weeks—one that you’ve written. I may not be able to catch up on all the posts I’ve missed, but I will at least read all your personal favs.
Or just let me know what’s going on in your world. I’d love to hear.
Really I would.
Thanks for ever being patient with me. For ever extending grace my direction.
My heart is grateful.
a heart prayer
Pray along with me and King David today?
“I’m a mess. I’m nothing and have nothing: make something of me.”
What else would you add to that prayer?
i kissed dating goodbye
I didn’t date until I was 20, and my first and only boyfriend became my husband a couple years later. He is the only guy I’ve ever kissed; he’s the only one I’ve ever slept with.
And somewhere along the line, without even realizing it, I assumed that had earned me some brownie points with God.
After all, I’d “kissed dating goodbye”. I’d saved myself for my husband. Subconsciously, I thought that guaranteed an incredible, lasting marriage.
But then he cheated on me.
And ultimately chose her over me.
In some ways, it feels like I’d saved myself for nothing… Like none of it mattered.
I know, at least on some levels, that that isn’t true. I know that even my “all things” are intended for my good, even when it’s impossible to see. I know that He is redeeming, restoring, rebuilding me, for His ultimate purpose.
I also know that redemption doesn’t usually look like we think it will.
And that there are no brownie points to be had. There are no guarantees, no obligatory blessings, no automatic protections or provisions.
Life is just plain hard. Even though God is good.
Even though God is good.
And even when I “kissed dating goodbye”.
I hope to someday see the bigger picture. The full circle. The “none of it mattered” transformed into “every bit of it mattered”.
But even if I don’t, even if I won’t, I’m still called to trust Him. To live on the truth of what He says and who He is.
Because then and only then…
All of it mattered.
Originally a guest post at Love Wins
trusting God
I woke up with this phrase running through my mind—
“Trust in God, and trust also in Me.”
Jesus said that. Right after He said “Don’t let your hearts be troubled.” Which means I’m allowing my heart to be troubled when I choose not to trust in Him.
I need to hear that again.
I’m allowing my heart to be troubled when I choose not to trust Him.
I’m gonna stop right there, because that one sentence gives me plenty to think about and try to put into action today.
Sheesh… if only trust were easy.
And if only I hadn’t chose to risk more this year…
monday morning confession
Your turn.
I love not ____________________________.
eternity in our hearts
“He has planted eternity in the human heart.”
Such a beautiful, divine thought…
Eternity is planted deeply in the soil of my heart. Placed there by God Himself.
If eternity is within me, then the past and the future exist in each moment just as much as the present does.
Trying to wrap my brain around that makes my head hurt. Such an unfathomable concept.
But the idea that eternity courses through me with every beat of my heart, seems to make some sense of my too-often struggle with being fully present in the moment.
I’m not very good at living in the now.
I am more likely to dwell on the past or restlessly wander ahead into the future. Both hold fears and hopes, of entirely different kinds. And both can either rob me of my present or enhance it.
God is timeless—existing simultaneously before now, after now, and right now—and He’s planted the seed of His timelessness inside me.
As a gift, not to be fought against, but to be embraced.
There is a reason He wants me to live in the tension that past, present, and future create as they collide in every single moment. There is a purpose in the struggle.
Maybe embracing the now doesn’t mean switching off the ever backward- and forward-wandering of my heart.
Maybe, instead, it means choosing to engage my present in light of the regrets and joys of my past, and the hopeful, sometimes fearful, yearnings of my future.
I need to remember that the One who was and is and is to come, lives within me, stabilizing me in the uncertainty of what was and is and is to come.
When I do, I live more mindful that God is in control. I live with more active trust in Him.
The constancy of Christ at work inside me—He who is the same yesterday, today, and forever—provides an anchor for my unpredictably inconsistent heart.
And that anchor holds fast.
No matter how turbulent the storm may be.
[Originally a guest post at Mel's World...]
just me
There’s a reason (or many of them…) that I don’t video-blog. But I made an exception…
My friend Toby is hosting Ladies’ Week on his site this week, and I feel incredibly honored to be a part of it.
When he first asked me, I had lots of excuses reasons why I couldn’t. And then I ended up deciding I should. I don’t know why… I just felt like I needed to…
So please remember that I’m better at writing than speaking (dang, I love me some backspace), and (please?!) have grace for my awkward, stumbling-over-myself ways… and then link over to Toby’s to watch my video interview…
(and then stick around Toby’s site to watch the videos
of the other amazing women taking part in Ladies’ Week. In-cred-i-ble!)
forgiven
By far, the hardest person for me to forgive is myself.
The personal standard I hold no one but myself to is unreachably high. So I fail often. Beyond that, I sin often.
And while I seem to be able to forgive others relatively quickly and easily, it’s not as easy to extend that same grace to myself.
I’ve somehow convinced myself that I can’t be let off the hook that easily. I have to feel the weight of my mess-up. It has to be held against me for at least a little while, as some sort of penance.
So when God says I’m forgiven and He won’t count my sins against me, it’s as though my heart responds, “That’s not enough! I must feel the weight of what I did.”
I know there are natural consequences for sin; I know that in some ways, feeling the weight of it is unavoidable. But deeper than that, part of me feels like someone must hold it against me.
Even if that someone is me.
So I punish myself because God doesn’t.
As if I could possibly atone for my sinful brokenness better than He did. Ugh.
The truth is that God is faithful to forgive when I come to Him. And because He forgives me, I can forgive myself.
When I don’t, I’m slapping Christ in the face and telling Him the cross wasn’t enough.
Ouch.
Who am I to hold against myself what Christ has already fully pardoned?
It’s time to start living forgiven.
let Me love you
When my husband’s affair was exposed, my entire life turned upside down.
Everything changed. Overnight.
And though I didn’t think it was possible, everything crumbled into even smaller pieces when he filed for divorce.
In one big swoop, I lost my marriage… my ministry… my home.
After a decade of living in Africa, I’ve now been back in the States for a year-and-a-half. Almost nothing in my life is the same as it was two years ago.
Nothing.
My world fell out from under me. And it was surprising to see the people God used to catch me.
It wasn’t who I expected. In fact, some were people I never would’ve expected.
But that’s just the way God works, isn’t it?
Often, those we think “should” be there for us, aren’t. And those we’d never expect to be, are. It’s painful in some ways and joyous in others, but ultimately it reminds me to keep my eyes on God rather than on man.
And while it never plays out the way we’d script it, God uses people to bring redemption and restoration to our lives.
The greatest hurts always come from relationships. But so do the greatest healings.
In the past couple years, I have felt the deepest pain of my entire life. But I’ve also felt more loved than I ever have before.
It’s as though the raw hurt was matched, depth for depth, with immense love.
Deep calls out to deep.
And I wouldn’t know how to love and be loved so intensely if it weren’t for the pain I’ve endured in my life.
In the midst of such indescribable personal grief, God built an amazing support system around me. In unfathomable ways.
He gave me friends who’ve loved me hard even when I had nothing to give back to them. Friends who’ve prayed faithfully and sincerely for me. Friends who’ve held me as I cried, talked me down off the proverbial edge when hopelessness set in, and pushed/carried/dragged me when it felt impossible to take a single step.
In a lot of ways, being on the receiving end of so much care and support has been really hard for me. But over and over again I’ve heard God’s unmistakable voice:
“Let Me love you through My people.”
In allowing myself to receive others’ love, I’ve discovered new depths of the love of God. I’ve experienced more of His character. I’ve learned to love more deeply in return.
I am grateful for the community God’s given me. I’m thankful for the amazing people I get to call “friends” and the ways God uses them to bring healing to my heart.
He continues to show me aspects of who He is that can only be expressed through His people.
In spite of great loss, my life feels incredibly rich.
And it makes the pain worthwhile.
So I lift my eyes and whisper… “Thank You.”
[Originally posted on (in)courage...]
