a different take on boundaries
God’s given me stewardship over my feelings, thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors.
I need to recognize and guard them as gifts from God.
He’s given me responsibility over those things, and I have complete freedom to choose what I do with them.
They are, in fact, the only things I truly control.
But I often forget that.
And when I forget, I live with unhealthy boundaries.
When I allow others’ words and actions to dictate how I respond, I forfeit my freedom. I hand over the power I have to choose. I surrender the control and stewardship I’ve been given by God. I allow others to define me instead of embracing God’s definition of me.
On the flip side, when I forget the freedom others have, I try to take responsibility for what they alone are stewards over. I attempt to fix people, overcompensate for them, or smooth things over when they are upset. But in doing so, I am overstepping my boundaries.
I am responsible only for my own life.
Having and enforcing boundaries isn’t about controlling or punishing others. It’s about treasuring and guarding the feelings, thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors God has given me stewardship over.
Living with healthy boundaries means not attempting to take responsibility for others’ responses and choices, and not forfeiting the responsibility I have over my own.
I’ve lived my whole life with unhealthy boundaries. In some ways, I’ve lived with no boundaries at all.
My emotions and inner commentaries are often swayed by others’ words, actions, and attitudes. And I am quick to take responsibility for other people’s choices.
But I want to live different.
I want to live free and healthy, and in a way that helps others live free and healthy as well.
I can’t really say that I’ve gotten better at not responding based on how others treat me.
In fact, if I’m being most honest, I still don’t really know how to even change that… how to not be so deeply affected by others.
And right now, my struggles with this are really causing my heart to hurt. There’s a stinging ache deep inside me that just seems to hurt more everyday.
But I’ve become more aware of those moments where I hand control over to someone else. And those moments where I take on what isn’t mine to carry.
I see it for what it is now, which is more than I’ve ever done before.
And that gives my heart hope.
Even while she hurts.
i’ve been mulling all this over for about 6 months now, but I still really struggled to put words to it.
felt like i forrest gumped my way through this post! so i really hope it makes as much sense outside my head as it does inside it!
I struggle with this too, Alece. You are not alone! I relate to so much of what you wrote…I want to mull over it to catch it all. Praying for you as I head to bed! Lots of love
No, No, Alece, you worded this awesome. And you spoke to me. I am guilty of this also…. and I am thinking I Need to print out your blog and meditate on it, so I get it. I cannot take responsibility for others reactions. I have to take responsibility for my reactions and control my reactions. I am not good at that last one. Controlling me thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc. In fact, yesterday, I got so frustrated with my daughter, I said awful things to her that I would never ever say. What a huge fail! I spent the whole day yesterday trying to erase my words, and probably will continue to because those words can lay a foundation of belief that she is not loved. UGH!
Thank you for your words today. I miss your blog….
the fact that you recognized and owned your response says a lot about the teachability of your heart. and God can do a LOT with us when we remain teachable…
thank you for sharing so openly, anna.
As G.I. Joe’s always say “Knowing is half the battle.”
So here’s to knowing!
makes complete sense to me, alece.
i struggle with it too. with being so controlled by other’s reactions toward this or that, I end up being a doormat or spend my time wondering how to change…. ugh.
learning to set the boundaries in love is so hard.
for me, it’s been especially hard in my marriage. especially dfficult, here.
remembering that I am HIS, helps. it helps my heart.
we are accountable to Him, first and foremost. easy to say, harder to practice.
lifting you up today. : )
it was especially hard in my marriage as well. and i feel as though i failed majorly in that area. (i need to trust God’s redemption even of that…)
i’m seeing the same challenges and struggles in my close relationships. it scares me. but it fuels my desire to change. because i so want to be healthy. i want to be good for those i love. i want to add life rather than suck it out of them…
yes, it makes sense… and it looks like your well on your way from the Grit to the Glory :)
Wow. I have heard a lot about boundaries, but this really clarified it for me.
Thanks! This was really necessary timing. Again.
i’ve heard and read a ton about boundaries… but hadn’t thought about it quite like this before. and i haven’t been able to shake this for months now. just been ruminating over and over it, trying to let the truth really sink in.
i’ve still got a looooong way to go.
So, so good Alece. It’s amazing the things we learn along the way that we were too busy with in the beginning to recognize. God has a way of putting the breaks on our ramped-up ambitions so that we can learn to attune ourselves to His heart and purpose. Learning to make and keep healthy boundaries is something we all need to work on.
Praying for and believing God’s best for you my friend.
“…so that we can learn to attune ourselves to His heart and purpose.” i feel like my heart needs that kind of realignment right now. i so appreciate your prayers for me. and i’m grateful for your and lisa’s friendship. thank you!
I.love.you. ((hugs))
And I totally get you.
You’re on the right track.
Don’t stop.
This is vital to the rest of your destiny.
Be brave.
I’m praying for you.
And I’m so stinkin’ excited to see what God is doing through you!
Awesome!
xxx M.
Wow. I feel like you stepped inside of my mind and wrote what I might write, if I could actually write. Umm, I totally understand what you are saying. I need to get a handle on this. Thank you for bringing it to my attention!
This is wonderful, Alece. This post is worth a few good reads get all the meat and the meaning out of it. It’s really rich.
I totally identify with it…This is something I have struggled with as well; and I too am on a journey of learning how to live free with the right boundaries and not taking over for others and fixing others (especially members of my family!)
Thanks for your awesome insight today!
Alece-
This is exactly what I have had to come to grips with as well. God is helping me to see I’m only responsible for everything on my side of the line. It’s a control thing with me. When I found out that my husband had been unfaithful, I quickly took all the blame for pushing him away. I took way more responsibility for his actions than was necessary, but I thought that if I was completely forgiving and sacrificial of self then he would see how unconditionally I loved him. I thought love would win out. But, I finally realize that love wasn’t the issue, character was. I’m learning every day to stop blaming myself for his infidelity and to stop running every encounter through my head, trying to pull my ex-husband’s responsibility over on my side of the line. This is a great post! Thank you for sharing! Praying for you!
I thought that if I was completely forgiving and sacrificial of self then he would see how unconditionally I loved him. I thought love would win out. But, I finally realize that love wasn’t the issue, character was. ”
wow. you worded all of that so perfectly. i’ve been in that same place and wrestled with the same thing. sometimes i still do. thank you for helping me see that more clearly. i, too, need to stop trying to pull his (and others’) responsibility over to my side of the line. man, that’s powerful.
makes perfect sense, my sweet forrest gump. but maybe because i also feel what you’re talking about.
hugging you from here. can you feel it?
I always tell my kids they’re the boss of themselves and no one else. All we really can do is control how we respond & interact with others. Great post Alece. I read a book on this by the Boundaries authors (Townsend & Cloud). It was about having difficult conversations with people. I would highly recommend it!
i’ve read “boundaries”, and it was helpful, like you mentioned, in the area of confrontational conversations. but the whole concept of boundaries — the why/what of it all — didn’t seem to click with me when i read it. i don’t know why… i mean, most people love and rave about the book, so i’m not sure why it wasn’t as revelatory for me…
Yikes Alece! Its a good thing, I am working alone in an office today, I’m going to need to mull this one over.
It is hard when I know I can’t control the people I love to interact with me in a certain way but I know that manipulation is not freeing and I know that I would rather they be free in Christ than any thing else.
The more I realize that God has fought for my freedom and life directly and through others, I know that I want to be fighting for others as I watch Him fighting for them. The hard piece is waiting on and trusting Him for the timing. PTL! I am seeing life coming from death, and chains being broken! (This is my prayer for you too)
i’m still mulling too. i will be for a looooong while, i think!
Amen! I love the way you expressed this truth!
“My emotions and inner commentaries are often swayed by others’ words, actions, and attitudes.”
There is one person in particular in my life that affects me this way more than any other. I am s l o w l y learning to let it roll off my back. It doesn’t always work. Their words get me fired up.
ugh. i know what you mean!
“Their words get me fired up”
This happened to me just last night. It’s so hard not to fire back. I’m working with this one every time I come in contact with the one person that affects ME. Last night…huge fail. Makes my stomach hurt.
Oh Allison I’m praying for you right now.
Thank you Prudence.
That post makes way too much sense, Forrest. And now, for some reason, I want to eat some shrimp.
… like Bubba said: “Anyway, like I was sayin’, shrimp is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. Dey’s uh, shrimp-kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There’s pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp, shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich. That- that’s about it.”
I’m so incredibly proud of you! Setting boundaries are difficult but so beyond necessary. You’re completely right, when we let others affect us it gives them power over us and that is manipulation but at the same time there is that fine line of discernment when we need to not be so hard that we don’t let anything affect us or move us.
We all do this…or at least I do. Thanks for the reminder. That we are only responsible for our own lives – feelings and actions.
Wow, Alece. So insightful – and something I need to absorb more into my own thought and emotional life. Thank you so much for sharing this.
mmmmmmm…. thank you, amanda. so glad to know i’m not journeying alone.
I understand this big time! I’m just now learning how to set healthy boundaries with everything in my world. Its not easy!
Thank you so much for this post. I have been reading and just wrote a little about guarding my heart and this was great to read. Such a great reminder…
love you, jen!
i am with you girl! as i am navigating restoration after my husband’s affair in the fall and therefore having to close our church plant i have a lot of people who have their opinions on how this should go, what pace we should be taking, etc, etc. it is INTENSE! through my own counseling God has shown me how I have lived my life for the approval of “man” and not looking for His approval only. this is being tested for me every minute of every day of this restoration process for me. it’s so hard. you expressed things beautifully and i thank you for taking us on this journey with you! it helps to see i am not alone in this and you worded things well. great reminders for me as i wrestle with getting “healthy”! :)
i wish we could sit somewhere comfy and just talk… it’s rare to find someone in my position who’s also in ministry. my heart aches for the deep loss you’ve experienced (and are still walking through). praying for you tonight…
Oh yes.
To what you said.
To all the comments.
I constantly ask my six children “Who are you responsible for?” And I expect them to answer that they are responsible for themselves.
But I cannot seem to master that truth myself.
I want to fix my husband to fix our marriage. I keep believing his behavior has somehow been my fault. (This is an especially tricky lie to battle when for all intents and purposes, he seems to agree that his behavior is my fault too.)
I allow (and perhaps have always allowed) my emotions to rise and fall with other people, particularly my husband’s.
And I forget that God says we CAN take captive every thought. Every. Thought.
Thank you for this reminder.
i totally understand what you mean about that lie being so hard to battle when your husband is telling you his behavior is your fault. it’s crazy-making. and it’s so, so hard to cling to the truth when the lie is so loud.
Alece:
That nailed it for me right there. “It’s so hard to cling to the truth when the lie is so loud.”
That is the battle raging in my heart of hearts right now.
Allison – I read your comment with interest as well.
I am still struggling with that idea that “love will win out”.
I want to believe that it can.
And I don’t know where the balance between accepting only my part and loving Biblically lies.
But I do believe it is a character issue. But I keep wanting to think love can change that character.
Even writing this – I see – I am in heady waters for myself.
And I don’t exactly know how to navigate these waters.
“how to not be so deeply affected by others.”
I’m so right there with you…for me, it stems back to feeling things so deeply that it in turn often affects me because I do feel deeply. Especially for those I am fiercely loving and loyal to in life. I know it’s something that God is turning around and working for good–because it definitely can be used in a good, healthy way, but it’s like you said…there needs to be healthy boundaries right along with it.
This is so beautifully written.
I printed it this morning and took it with me on a beach walk, I needed to read it and absorb it while talking with God.
I so struggle at boundaries and their sometimes toxic solutions. I need to be aware and have a full armor, and full of grace as I fight on.
thank you FF
Love you
This is the second post I’ve read in the last 10 minutes reminding me to be who I am and stop letting other people have input into the person I am becoming. God has designed and shaped me for unique things and owning and stewarding those is an important part of what I am called to do while here on earth. Thank you for this gentle reminder that staying inside my own circle and keeping other people out is very important and when ignored is toxic to my soul. Thank you for your words. Love you!!
simply believing that we are worth fighting for and protecting, can be so hard…
“Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.”
Too true. We get things coming at us all the time. We may choose some of those things – right out of the box. Others may hand them to us. Either way – you don’t always know what you’re getting.
The only thing we’re responsible for is our reaction to it all.
Thank you for that reminder Alece.
Continuing to pray for you friend.
i’m so grateful for your prayers, randi. thank you!
This made total sense to me, and I thing the thing to remember as you make these changes in your actions and your internal script is to give yourself time for the feelings to catch punt the actions. As I tried to make some of the same changes in my life, I kept thinking that knowing and changing my patterns would instantly bring my emotions in line as well.
Yeah. Not so much.
But the longer I put the boundaries into practice, the more my emotions did change. My perspective changed as well. So gradually I didn’t realize it until the change took place. All this to say, be patient and gentle with yourself. You are doing an amazing job being you.
i needed to hear that, fritz.
as i’ve tried to be intentional about this, it physically hurts my heart. i’ve sobbed alligator tears because while i’m trying to take a step that is good for me, it hurts me deep inside. it feels uncertain and unsure and alone. it taps into my fears and insecurities. it’s hard in the moments to really trust and believe that this will ultimately be healthy and healing. that eventually my emotions will change and it will even feel right.
thank you for telling me to be patient. to stick it out. i really really needed that tonight.
i love you.
I can so relate. Healthy boundaries are something I’m trying to build up in my life now. I would say I never had healthy boundaries either. There were a few reasons that happened for me (the lack of boundaries) And while there’s been healing in my life, even with healing, it takes work to retrain your heart & mind when it comes to the boundary part. I suppose a part of me was hoping that healing meant some automatic changes. And it hasn’t. There are still things that take time and work on my part.
I’m not sure if I’m making sense? Bottom line…I totally relate.
A while ago in my office we talked about our boundaries as our yards. Last week as a few of us were discussing a program in our organization that we think has some major issues one of my colleagues said, “We’ve told them what we think, but it’s not our yard. We have to let them take care of their yard.” It was a good reminder to let them maintain their boundaries and to occupy ourselves with the abundant work that needs tending in our own yards. They might be right to ask my opinion about the part of their yard where I have some expertise, but beyond that—we’re all in trouble. And if they suddenly started to tell me how to take care of my yard, I’d be a bit miffed. Healthy boundaries are so good—and often so difficult!
yes! that’s such a great mental picture!
i envision my yard with a quaint little fence around it. i tend to live as though there is either a “do not enter” sign tacked onto it, or one that says “all welcome, come on in.” i need to live as though there is a gate in my fence, remembering that i have the freedom (and responsibility) to choose who i let into my yard… who i invite inside.
Ooooooohhhhh! I love the image of the gate and being the gatekeeper. I know sometimes I need someone else to be the gatekeeper for short bursts of time because I want to keep the “All Welcome” sign out, but in the end, I need to own the gate as well as the yard.
Alece, this is an outstanding post! I am glad I read this today. Your words are a needed reminder that I can really only manage myself. Always enjoy reading your blog. You obviously put much thought into what you write.
Yeah, I actually didn’t get much from the boundaries books themselves. I think it was learning how to appropriately deal with confrontation that helped me. I tend to be overly confrontational by nature, which makes me timid because I want to be healthy in it. The whole issue is so difficult. Anyways, I love it when God reveals something to us just through Him, it makes me get it better. I’m still chewing on what you said here. :)
Good stuff, Alece.
I don’t believe I’ve ever heard of a genuine love relationship that included force, and I don’t find God to be the exception. He’s patient. This can seem both good and bad at times, but that’s just what he is.
I so understand this. This is very much where I am as well, in my little way. “Having and enforcing boundaries isn’t about controlling or punishing others. It’s about treasuring and guarding the feelings, thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors God has given me stewardship over.” So very true. How is it that these things were never taught us growing up. How?? They seem so fundamental. Ah well. All I can say is that I’m glad I’m learning them now.
I loved – and needed – this blog entry! Thank you so much for sharing, because I’d been trying to verbalize (with little success) a similar thought within myself, and now – to see it so expertly conveyed, I can move on to a different train of thought…