guarding my heart
I’m a dichotomy.
While I may not outwardly fight for my heart, inwardly I build walls to try to keep her safe.
My walls are built with bricks of distrust, fear, and insecurity. They’re held together with the mortar of doubt.
Yet, ultimately, they’re nothing more than a mirage.
Because I’m only fooling myself if I think I can keep my heart safe.
I can’t protect myself from getting hurt.
Pain is an inevitable fact of life. It comes with every relationship—even the best of them. Those I love the most, and who love me the most, will still hurt me. Just as I’ll hurt them.
Because none of us are perfect.
Yet I still try to shield myself from hurt.
I spiritualize my walls under the banner of “guarding my heart”.
I’ve never really understood what that verse means. I’ve struggled to understand the balance between trusting and guarding my heart.
And while I don’t presume to have it all figured out now, I finally realized something.
A few verses prior, God tells me to listen closely to His words and keep them within my heart. Only when I pay attention to what God says—about Himself and about me—can my heart be protected.
Because it’s really about trusting Him to watch over and guard my heart.
That doesn’t mean I won’t be hurt. It just means I won’t get stuck there.
Because it’s not really the hurts inflicted by others that will ruin my life the most. It’s my self-built protective walls that will.
It’s time to start knocking down my walls.
No… Actually, I don’t have to knock down anything.
I just need to step through the mirage of walls that have kept me in bondage rather than safety.
Instead of trying to avoid more pain, I want to let the Healer set me free.
And trust Him to guard my heart when the next hurt comes.
Oh…do I know this. My walls are so big that Pink Floyd would look at them and say “whoa…dude.”
I have a very hard time knocking them down.
I love your heart. All the parts of it.
And I love that you posted this in nuggets.
As I read through your post, Alece, all I could think was “take listen.” I keep telling myself that there is nothing so beautiful than that which is birthed from love. Pain birthed from love is one of the ultimate pains, but there is nothing so beautiful in this world than those things born of love.
But that love and everything derived from it requires trust in myself, others, AND God. You can’t have love without trust. And yet there are so many days where it would just be easier to not trust, to guard my heart, but I know than that I wouldn’t see the beauty of love in my life.
Slowly I think I am getting there… I hope. I just wish loving and trusting were easier. I want to be at a place where I don’t feel like my heart needs to be protected from this world. A place that I could trust God to guard my heart for me. But there are days still where I feel I need to guard my heart from my Father. And that saddens me, because it means I hold back in my relationship with Him out of fear of being hurt again and do not reap the beauty that God wants to show me. And I know I should trust Him, but its one of those things that is so much easier to say than actually do.
“you can’t have love without trust” — that hits me somewhere deep. i want to love others well… and i know i can’t do that without trust. and that just kinda messes me up inside.
Oh man, Alece. That’s some of the best spoke-straight-to-this-heart stuff you’ve ever written. Talk about honest, transparent, deep…. and such truth. So much truth in what you’re saying, and also because those are truths that are gonna set you free (speaking to you, to me, to all of us that can so relate).
That was a “reading my mail” kind of a post. What are you trying to do to me??? I’m going to have to really, really re-read this one several times. That was revelatory.
sigh… thank you, lisa. love you.
thank you for sharing your heart with so many. God loves your heart. more that that, He loves you, all of you. He is your protector.
but He’s not the only one who loves your heart. i do too. every part of it. even the parts that you think are ugly and broken and scarred and unworthy and don’t measure up and aren’t good enough. i know those parts of my own heart. i don’t put them on display, but they’re there. it’s not pretty. but if God loves me, chose me, mmmm. how can i help but others broken and vulnerable hearts, especially when they allow me the privilege, the gift of seeing?
love you, friend. nothing wasted. all redeemed.
love and hugs from VA!
Dang I love your stunning heart! Even more I can see, so much, how much risk you take in the midst of your walls. Thank you for that. God is seriously making life out of you!
I’ve got mirages of walls. I even think I guard them well. Both are an illusion. My wall is made up of vows against the threat of pain. No one likes pain. Like you said, it’s inevitable. There is so much of him that I know and get because of pain. I am so glad that he shows himself more consistent and far greater than my walls.
Loving you
Part of my New Year’s Resolutions was to ditch the walls. Some days I do fairly well. Today? Not so much.
i have my days, too.
tomorrow is another one, carrie. and His mercies will be new.
Sounds like you’re already stepping through those walls sister!
i agree, alece.
completely.
Alece-
I have been thinking through this a lot myself recently…
thank you for putting words–
beautiful & piercing–
to what i am feeling.
bless you, this day.
mmmm… thank you so much, bekah.
Funny.
I’ve got a post going about something similar–my lock-box heart. My husband referenced a scripture (the address of which I’ve, of course, forgotten), and said: God defends our hearts, even from ourselves. I’m trying to soak that in as I slowly learn to let down my own walls.
Your honesty here (as always) is so cherished. I’m thankful for that. And for YOU!!!
I’ve always wondered about the “guarding your heart” verse. My questions were similar to yours. Great insight…I like how you explained it!
Word!
I can totally relate.
We like our walls – or at least the illusion of them. We are careful to not let too much be revealed of ourselves. We don’t trust. We think that any wall WE could build would protect us from hurt, but you’re right we will still be hurt. I remember telling my dad when my husband and I were dating that I knew one day, he would hurt me, but I still liked him and still wanted to be with him. And he has. But I still want to be with him and still with him.
I still need to be healed from hurts from others. Some I’ve let go, some…
As usual….good, good stuff. Your posts hit deep, and I like that.
I’ve never been a big fan of that verse in a way. It has often felt like an impossible responsibility. It was only a few years ago that I realized that I was never put in charge. I’ve since begun to breathe a bit.
I’ll guard it the best I can, but the joy that comes from Him redeeming it is worth the hurt in the end. It’s only by faith that I can even believe that.
you said that so well… i think why i’ve always been hesitant with that verse is also because it felt like an impossible responsibility. there is such freedom and exhale in the discovery that it’s not up to me.
Yeah…it’s like being expected to fight an army with a couple of twigs. And it is. But, I recall a lot of instances where the weak and seemingly overmatched were victorious, and it wasn’t because of anything other than him. That’s just how he rolls, I guess. :)
I think this is a great realization because we are always so afraid of getting hurt that we end up increasing our hurt. We need to trust God to help us make it through the hurt instead of always trying to prevent it. Hurt can be like a shot we always build it up to be terrible and make it even worse than it really is. Instead, we need to trust that the shot will help mold us as God holds our hand.
I’m going through this right now …. having walls made up of hurt…. and reading Alece’s post again rings true…
but so does your comment.
“I think this is a great realization because we are always so afraid of getting hurt that we end up increasing our hurt.”
Trusting God is the hard part for me right now:
“We need to trust God to help us make it through the hurt instead of always trying to prevent it. ”
What happens when you’re hurt in the one area you thought you were protected from, by the one set of people you thought you could be yourself around – the one set of people who you never expected to hurt you? Makes you feel (Ok, makes ME feel) like if you can’t trust ANYBODY – not even GOD….
“Hurt can be like a shot we always build it up to be terrible and make it even worse than it really is. Instead, we need to trust that the shot will help mold us as God holds our hand.”
Trying to … believe that… to trust that….
Yeah I know it is so hard to trust people. I hate being blind sided by the ones I trust the most, but in the end, I was stronger. I have felt betrayed and hurt by someone who was supposed to support me but in the end caused me sooo much pain… now we are closer than ever and realize we are both human and we can never be each others saviors. Than I also am slowly learning to trust God as my own savior and no one else.
Having read all your post, and all your tweets, you speak from your heart better than anyone I know.
Spiritually your heart was a gift from your God. It is natural to want to guard this gift. However if you are going to use this gift as your God intended, to live the best life you can, you must share it with the world.
You are doing that as well as anyone I know. You are sharing your heart with the children of Africa. You are sharing your heart with all the friends you have been visiting, like Gitz.
The best evidence of how well you are sharing your heart can be seen in the smiles of all the people who have meet you, at least all the ones I know. Of course I have never tried to get in front of you in the line at Starbucks.
i always want to hug you after i read your comments, ed. thank you…
i just blogged about a similar thing… i am wanting so badly for God to defend me, protect me, avenge me… to the point of desiring those that have hurt me to receive no mercy. it’s very “old testament” of me, lol! but even if they are extended mercy, it doesn’t cut the mercy for me. i always recover. that’s what i left with… i always recover. because He is with me.
“so if i have pain, if i experience persecution, or am rewarded with ridicule…i am reminded of Your love”… it enables me to recover.
“That doesn’t mean I won’t be hurt. It just means I won’t get stuck there.”
Wow! Beautiful!
G
Come on – I’m friggin’ excited for you girl! Less grit, mostly glory is on the way!!!
amen! (thanks, angus!)
This is beautiful.
I had to talk to my ex yesterday. I didn’t want to, but he “needed to talk to me in person” because he was “sick of it being painfully awkward between us.” I was scared. I’m not over him. I didn’t know how to guard my heart from falling for him again.
I prayed so much beforehand, and even after our talk, I still feel weird. He misses my friendship, misses me being around. So I am going to be friends with him to do the mature thing.. but it still hurts to know that his sisters bash me (because they hate all his ex’s — and they aren’t Christians anyway…), and he is completely over me and fine. I know, “guys bounce back faster than girls,” but it still hurts.
Guarding my heart has never been easy for me. It makes me scared to enter into another relationship ever again.
i’m sending you an email…
It is for your freedom that He has come…. (Isaiah 61)….. Beauty for ashes, a garment of praise for your heaviness… He won’t relent until you know how fully, deeply, intimately you are loved…. He loves you so!
This comment speaks to me today. Thank you…. I’m gonna borrow this quote and put it on my blog because it encouraged me so much.
i hate me some mirages of walls. it’s hard to for me to tell the difference between the wall mirages and the walls. for some of the mirages, it’s hard for me to tell they are even there. stuff i’ve been gripping on to for so long that my hands have become numb. for others though, they are so concrete and fundamental to who i’ve become that i feel like i’ve started identifying myself by them. it’s especially hard for me to step through something i’ve created.
i’m glad that wall mirages are isolating yet not protecting. i don’t want to put my faith in mirages that vanish once i get a little closer. no bueno.
but dang, it’s hard for me to trust Him to guard and ready my heart…even though i stink at it myself.
you’re strong on my heart tonight, coop. i’m praying for you.
I blogged about the very same thing yesterday…
I love when I see the Holy Spirit moving through His girls, miles apart… digging up similar roots.
Be blessed, Alece!
i love that, too. such an encouragement!
Love this post..
“Broken people have sharp edges..” has been a theme in relationships I’ve encountered lately. It’s so awesome to celebrate the process God uses to refine us and mold us into His character. He never promised easy.. but he guarantees the best. :)
an older missionary friend of mine is notorious for saying “Jesus never said it would be easy, but He did say it would be worth it.”
Reading this made me realize that sometimes the walls keep God’s voice out as well. I like the idea of knowing He’s guarding my heart rather than me keeping things that could hurt me, including Him, on the other side.
I’ve gotten used to building those walls as well. I feel as though building them means that I’m “playing it safe.” And doing that means that I’ll make sure if I get hurt again it’s my own doing. Of course, the ironic thing is that in the process everyone brings up on that wall. No one will ever get to know you, the real you, unless the fear is gone. There’s no potential for great friendships/relationships without the potential for great hurt.
So the walls are built. The mirage keeps you safe. Keeps everyone out. And slowly, but surely, you implode.
The mirage is what makes you die in the desert. We can make ourselves believe something is great until we’re lying on the floor wondering why we’re hurting so much. The mirage is deadly.
At least that’s been my experience.
Stepping “through the mirage” as you said, is probably one of the hardest things to do it seems. Unfortuneately.
So I found your page through Robyn’s page. This post resonates so much with me right now. I’m finding it difficult to not shut my heart down, in response to tremendous pain… it’s just so much easier to block it all away and not worry about it… but the blessing of goin THRU it is tremendous.
good reading. I’ll be back!
ro