even from myself
My heart feels a bit bruised these days. She’s even more sore than my legs are.
I don’t know that I can fully explain to anyone all that’s been going on inside me the past few weeks, but it’s leaving my heart feeling more vulnerable than she has in a long time.
She feels exposed. Raw. Black and blue.
Although I often get defensive when I shouldn’t, I usually don’t defend myself when I should.
I don’t fight for my own heart. So she ends up getting beaten up.
I’m not good at speaking up for myself or being assertive. I fear sounding defensive, so I often don’t explain myself when others misunderstand me. At times I fear putting my heart on the line, so I hold her back but wish someone could see through the blurry mess and just know what’s going on inside.
I am my own worst enemy. I treat myself more harshly than I’d ever treat anyone else. I am, by far, the hardest person for me to extend grace to.
I often feel unfought-for by others. But the reality is I’m unfought-for by me.
Why should anyone else defend what I don’t even bother to?
This all taps into those fears and insecurities deep inside me. That place in my heart that doubts my worth, value, and lovableness.
It seems to spiral viciously out of control rather quickly.
I’m trying desperately to learn to slam on the brakes in those moments and pour my heart out like water before God. Messy. Uncontrolled. Unrestrained. Just as it comes.
Bruises and all.
In Him alone will I find refuge. Safety. Security. Worth.
In Him alone will I feel defended.
Even from myself.
I understand a little, Alece. Especially this part: “I am my own worst enemy. I treat myself more harshly than I’d ever treat anyone else. I am, by far, the hardest person for me to extend grace to.” I’m still on the journey with this one too! That’s probably the one thing I most hear from those close to me – “Don’t be so hard on yourself!” Easier said than done!
Praying for you!!
“I often feel unfought-for by others” was hard for me to hear. I know there have been plenty of people in your life who should naturally fight for you that haven’t and I don’t overlook the pain that has caused. But from my vantage point, I see an entire team of people fighting for you and for what is yours- even if you can’t see that from a distance… that Thrive is still pushing forward is evidence of the people in the battle. When I look a little closer and a little more inward – I see the scars that evidence my fighting for you.
Standing with u, sis…..
I need to read this over and over again and let it soak into my own heart!
Resonate with you pretty strongly here . Have felt invisible, misunderstood, vulnerable, exposed, etc all rolled together more recently than I care to admit, and that by people I very much care about. Why is it that we can have 98 people fighting for us but the one or two that we want the most to care, to see, to fight, don’t? For me at least, that hurts the most. It makes me feel like I’m not worth being fought for. Which is a LIE.
Praying the Lord will give you the strength to fight back, to speak what needs to be spoken, and to see your true value and worth in Him (rather than in these circumstances/people). He has clothed you with strength and dignity.
Love you dearly!
Hugs,
Mel
Prov 31:25-”She is clothed with strength and dignity..”
verrrry interesting… as you go thru your mtgs this week, I found myself praying for “parrhsia/zomai” for you (boldness of speech)…
parrhsia/zomai:
to use freedom in speaking, be free spoken; to speak freely;
to grow confident, have boldness, show assurance, assume a bold bearing
like in Ephesians 6:19-20: Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly (parrhsia/zomai) , as I should.
I never thought that when I was praying… it may be praying to give you confidence and freedom in speaking as you spoke to yourself.
hmmm… God is so good.
Oh…the struggle of knowing how and when to be assertive and fight. That’s a tough one for me…I usually go to the extremes on both ends. I’m either defensive or a door mat. I daily have to learn to find that balance. So glad I have God by my side :)
I have recently entered into an intense period of intercession for some people around me, brothers and sisters in Christ and those still outside the kingdom. As I have prayed, at times I find myself pounding the ground with my fists or standing and moving as though actually wielding a sword (I do believe my sanity is intact). I am reminded of the very real battle I am engaged in for them. Know you are among them.
Satan loves to get the lie in there that I am fighting for others but that no one is fighting for me and that I am laboring in vain. If I let it in then my heart gets taken out and I don’t fight as fiercely for others. Guess who wins that one…
The three moments that took my breath away this week reminding me I am fiercely fought for were when two friends on separate occasions told me they had been praying for my healing even though I had not asked, and the other was when the ministry leadership team I have been apart of layed hands on those of us graduating and prayed for us as we prepare to be sent.
I pray that today He gives you a greater and increasing measure of understanding of how He is fighting for you. You are an heir to His kingdom.
You are doing great things for God and it puts you in the spotlight for attack. But God is our fortress and refuge and He will defend you. He will also strengthen you and heal your bruised self. He will give you the wisdom to know when to speak up and when to remain silent. Praying for you Alece as your traveling these next weeks!
this line…..”At times I fear putting my heart on the line, so I hold her back but wish someone could see through the blurry mess and just know what’s going on inside.” oh my, it caused me to literally groan in agreement. i know that feeling and i don’t like it.
i am tired of feeling vulnerable, unwanted, insecure….these are all things that i really am putting on myself now. God MUST be shaking His head at me knowing the worth that HE sees in me. why can’t i see it? Lord, give me eyes to see.
love you alece. i love your heart. it is soooo worth defending!
Ahhhhh—I can so relate to treating myself more harshly than anyone else. Generally, I don’t have a hard time extending grace to others, but I don’t seem to have any reservoir when it comes to myself. It’s not just cutting myself some slack from time to time either, it’s the whole self care thing. Learning to discern selfishness from self care has been a huge task for me this year. I’m still in process. Thanks for the reminder that I’m not alone.
This feels like a Psalm.
Thank you for sharing from an exposed heart.
In Him alone will I find refuge. Safety. Security. Worth. – amen.
I hate having this feeling of not being accepted. Sometimes I am the exact opposite when I think people don’t accept me I rip them apart because I want them to know I don’t care when really I want them to accept me so I can move on. I have learned the hard way that I find my acceptance in God and no one else. Sometimes people just don’t click. I have learned I can never force them to accept me and should show them love instead of bashing them.
“Although I often get defensive when I shouldn’t, I usually don’t defend myself when I should.”
My heart needed every word in this post. Thank you.
Praying for you today dear Alece. Praying that your tender bruised heart would get a little epsom salt and rest. And praying that God would give you the strength as you move forward to take preventative care, the very best you can, to protect yourself through Him.
Praying for you to feel His strength and wisdom…..you are in such good care with Him and loved to the fullest. Keep leaning. You know He will pick you up again.
I was at the depths a year ago this month (you know the story). Alone, without my kids and accused just for the sake of someone else’s selfish reasons.
“In Him alone will I find refuge. Safety. Security. Worth. In Him alone will I feel defended.”
That surrender saved me…even allowed me to forgive. (I have to keep reminding myself of that forgiveness though…imperfect to the core). Thanks for sharing this Alece.
I feel like I could have written so much of this. Not as well :), but I really get what you’re saying.
Keep allowing your tender heart to feel, even when it’s so painful. Keep allowing your Great Physician to touch and heal the areas in your bruised soul and heart He knows need that right now. Keep pouring your heart out like water before Him, and let His healing waters pour over you. Let Him rejoice over you with singing, and quiet you with His love. Let Him guard your heart, as you pour out yours to others about Thrive in these coming weeks.
Praying.
psalm 62: 8 “Trust in Him at all times, you people; Pour out your heart before Him; God [is] a refuge for us. Selah”
I love that this verse ends in Selah…stop…think about it. Keep pouring…keep trusting…keep on in His refuge. Thanks for sharing your heart and being so relate-able. =)
loooove this verse. thank you!
Alece,
Amen. That’s me…but a little different. I defend myself yes, but after defending I worry that my defense was not received as I wanted. So..I wonder and worry some more. The next time when I want to stand for me, I rethink the matter over and decide to keep quiet. We all have our ways of running away from the real us. And hence, we become our worst enemy. But…God has and is still working on me about this. Grace..grace and more grace, we need.
Thank you…He is a strong refuge where we can run and be safe
Blessings,
Gladwell