a living hell
The past few years have been, by far, the worst of my entire life.
But my husband’s infidelity wasn’t the most painful part. Nor was the eighteen months of lies, or hearing him say he was leaving me for good.
The most agonizing part of it all is something I have difficulty explaining.
The four months from when his affair was exposed until he voiced his decision for divorce were unequivocally the most painful I’ve ever lived through.
He planned to leave me months before he made it official. And as I hung on, wanting to see our marriage restored, he deliberately and willfully messed with my heart.
He kept me on a string like a yo-yo, bouncing between two extremes. He’d push me away and then pull me back again. He’d tell me one day that he was willing to do the hard work of repairing trust and rebuilding our marriage, and the next that he’d never loved me to begin with.
Those months were a living hell for me.
I’ve blocked out many of the details of that time, but I recently read back through some emails I’d sent friends during those months.
And I was horrified by what I read.
Horrified.
Being reminded of how cruelly I was treated made me sick to my stomach.
There aren’t words that can do justice to the pain my heart endured at the hands of my husband. The English language simply doesn’t run deep enough for that.
I wouldn’t wish those things on anyone.
Not even the other woman.
Because no one should ever have to experience what I lived through in those months.
This week my heart is tender. I’m remembering. Hurting. Grappling.
But my heart is also grateful. Because I’m stronger.
And I’m free.
TACKLEHUG.
hanging on a string… i’ve been there. it hurts. and i hurt for you.
through all this, i’m still amazed constantly at your capacity for wisdom, forgiveness, and Godliness.
your heart is beautiful. you teach me so much, every day.
and i love you.
my words are caught in my throat.
holding you, moment by moment, in prayer and love this week…
my heart beat faster and unsteady as i read this.
i can’t even begin to understand the emotions you went through (ARE going through)….
“But my heart is also grateful. Because I’m stronger.
And I’m free.”
those are some big words to be able to say! proud of the steps you’ve made. and thankful that you’ve been brave enough to share your story with us. because it being used EVERY day by the Lord.
I felt the weight of those words too. I’m free” Woah. I wish I didn’t still feel so captive by how deep the pain runs, but I do know I’m in a better place than I was.
i hope your heart receives this the right way.
the thing that makes me angry, yes angry, about all this…is that you are the one who has to live with, and in, the brunt of it all.
i know that so many things in life are not fair. i get that. and i understand there are so many people, like you, who must shoulder the weight of anothers terrible choices. and that is what angers me.
im actually a little too frustrated right now and cant even formulate a clear thought. i hope im making sense.
i just hate that the ugly of all this, the ugly you did not choose or create, the ugly that someone else crafted is hurting you so much.
Preach sister! =)
It seems that much of the time, the person making the terrible choice doesn’t really feel the same level of pain that those left behind feel.
It absolutely shreds my heart and yet makes me angry to see anyone that has to deal with the aftermath of someone’s poor decisions, especially when it comes to divorce.
Alece, like you said, I wouldn’t wish what I went through on anyone. Not even my worst enemy. But oddly enough, I know I wouldn’t be where I am right now if it wasn’t for that ugly experience. And I wouldn’t trade where I’m at now for anything in the world.
I don’t know how to rectify those two thoughts, and I wish I did, but I’m still trying to figure it out.
I get not wanting to trade where you are now for anything. My husband and I were two weeks from divorce. Thirteen months of seperation and he with another. During that time, what God did in me was life-altering and, now, what He has done in us, is simply and profoundly amazing. While I wouldn’t wish that experience on my worst enemy either, I also wouldn’t trade it for what God has done in our family. In fact, I often find myself thanking the Lord for picking us to be on this journey with Him.
I know what you mean about being unable to reconcile those thoughts.
I already feel stronger and more whole than I did in the midst of my very unhealthy marriage — which, in light of how broken and weak I feel these days, says a lot. I know God’s already redeeming the devastation of my life…
Thank you for sharing your own heart and a bit of your own journey. I appreciate that a lot.
Amen, Tam.
Alece, I’m not going to pretend to know exactly what you went through…but having gone through a divorce myself where my ex announced she wanted to “be happy” and that “God told her to divorce me” and planned for a while for the divorce while pretending to be a loving wife I think I might know some of those same feelings.
You are stronger and it’s obvious in the words you share here and on Twitter. It’s obvious from the comments that you have helped others just from your transparency and your truthfulness.
The joy is coming, Alece. It is. I know it.
Wow, Jason. I had no idea. Thank you for that glimpse into your own journey. I also heard that “God’s given him a peace about this” and “This is the right thing to do” and that he was “doing it for me, I just couldn’t see it yet”. I’m sorry you can relate to this AT ALL.
“The joy is coming” — I could feel the hope and strength in those words. Thank you. Truly.
“…Walk through the valley,” doesn’t mean sitting down, paralyzed. Thank you for walking.
Thank you, Bethany, for that reminder. That even when I don’t see progress or I get frustrated with where I am on this journey… the fact that I’m still walking (or just plain standing some days) is victory enough.
I’m with Tam. Reading this makes me just plain angry…Angry that someone could be so hurtful, so reckless, so heartless. Not to mention that this was someone that you loved and trusted with your heart. Ughh…it makes me crazy.
I can’t wait until you have rediscovered your joy and peace, and we can look back on this time and understand more about the plans God has for you. Because I know he has some amazing plans for you unfolding…
i feel badly for stirring up angry thoughts. wasn’t my intention. at all.
but it does make me feel as though i have an army of people standing beside me. and THAT feels good.
You didn’t stir up anything so don’t feel bad. You just wrote how you felt. And I know stirring up anger wasn’t your intention AT ALL. And yes, you have an army of people standing beside you ready to charge at a moment’s notice.
I wish I could wrap you tight in a hug.
Alece,
i totally get the pain & the hurt & the frusteration of what your going through.. never been in your position but i know the pain that it causes for the spouse that has been cheated on…
you see..my husband had been married before being married to me.. he was married to her for 18 years.. & she cheated on him off & on through out their entire marriage..and he stayed single for 11 years before finally marrying me.. the biggest issue he had.. was trusting again..which he always told me that he was so thankful that he could rest assured that I would never do that to him..but even then.. you could see the pain that she had caused him because even after 11 years apart from her.. it still hurt him…till the day he died..
but even thou she hurt him.. he was able to love again… able to trust again.. after being with him for 4 years.. and having 6 wonderful months of marriage to him… i can tell you…God is always at work..it may be hard to see the greater picture right now.. but God is holding you in the palm of his hand.. molding you.. preparing you… for whatever the future may hold…
Cling to Jeremiah 29:11-13 (11.For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. 12.Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you. 13.And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.)
Since James has died and went to be with Jesus.. i’ve been holding on to this verse.. it helps me know that regardless of what i lost.. i still have hope,,, & i still have a future…
Love ya girl.. I’m praying for you!
Thank you for your beautiful and encouraging words. It pains me to hear of your husband’s own journey, but I find hope in the fact that he was able to trust again. And he found healthy, genuine love again. Or maybe for the first time. I feel so deeply for you and the profound loss you must feel in his passing. I know you miss him terribly…
WOW.. you know.. i never thought about it that way before.. about that being the first time James found healthy, genuine love.. thank you for speaking that.. because you know honestly.. thats true.. if she truly honestly loved him.. she never would have cheated on him and married the man she cheated on him with..
thank you also for the kind words about his passing… its been 7 months… really hard for me to believe that he’s been gone that long & yes you are right… i do miss him terribly..
once again.. i admire your strength.. your strength to push forward.. and your wisdom to say “i’m free” because yes you are.. you are free indeed..
Love you girl!
I DO know what you went through, and the feelings you are still experiencing. Everytime I read a post where you are so transparent and honest about your feelings I wish that I could be that couragous! I have 2 very close friends that walked through my emotional tragedy with me, and other than them the only other human I ever discussed the deep dark (and sometimes they were VERY dark) feelings with was my therapist! These posts make my heart hurt for you, but I am so glad that you have this large community of people who truly care for you!
I know the journey is not always easy, but the single fact that you know you are FREE speaks volumes for how far you truly have come!
It’s taking intentionality to risk the way I am by posting all this on my blog. As you can tell, trust doesn’t come easily. It never did, and now it’s even harder. But I feel like the steps I’m taking to force myself to trust more, even if it’s through a blog post, are bringing growth and change to my heart.
xxxooo.
Praying for you honeybun. Remember, you are worth it. This season is a battle but know that He is fighting for you. He is your shield, your comfort and your strength.
“you are worth it” is such a hard phrase for me to hear. but i’m trying to… i’m trying to…
you ARE free!! i am too.
always have been. it’s just that we allowed others to manipulate and imprison us. thank God we are beginning to walk out that freedom on the other side. it hurts like hell, doesn’t it? i love what tam said about you having to be the one who lives with it. it’s as if “they” go on with life while “we” pick up the pieces and deal with the aftermath.
you are doing an amazing thing here by sharing your heart. i can only imagine how many people you are helping to find their way to freedom.
love ya, girl!!
i continue to be amazed by the women who email or comment to let me know they can relate. and i’m blown away by the messages i get from women who were “the other woman”. i am learning so much from all of them, in their own transparency and brokenness. and i pray God is using me to bring healing to them as well.
thanks for sharing your heart here, sheryl.
“And I’m free”
A thousand AMEN’s and HALLELUJAH’s!
emailing you the rest. ;o)
Love you friend.
So proud of you for continuing to walk. To stand. To grow.
Yes.You.Are.
You are free.
I’m so proud of you! You are strong. You are brave.
Love you my friend.
~M.
*hug*
there are no words to say. just know i’m praying for you & am so thrilled to see the words “I am free.”
beautiful.
yes, freedom!!
you were on my mind when i got up this morning. i prayed.
i wish i could give you a hug!
lifting you up to the Most High today.
My sweet, sweet friend! Your words were painful to read. I pray for miraculous healing of your heart and continuous restoration of your mind.
“Lemme at ‘em! Lemme at ‘em!” says the cowardly lion to Dorothy. Well, my heart is in the right place.
What Tam said.
With Tam, anger. I’ve never even met you and I wanna lay down some hurt. On the flip side I’m overjoyed that their is healing in Jesus. There is freedom in Him.
I got a knot of emotion in my stomach reading this post this morning.
Our group of women’s Bible study leaders were discussing the definition of the word, “sound.” when it refers to sound faith or sound mind. The one defintion that stuck out was: free from injury, damage, defect, disease, etc.; in good condition; healthy; robust.
I was thinking as I read this: “She has every reason to not be sound in mind and heart, but her words are revealing someone whom God is making sound.”
wow. thank you for this, melissa. really.
I watched something very similar to this unfold with my parents. My dad left my mom for another woman he worked with after she had gone blind. I don’t think he was willing to take on a new role after her blindness. The devastation that it brought her brought forth so much pain and confusion in her life. My dad is still with the other woman…not married. I think this makes it much worse (if possible).
My anger for that situation came back when reading this post. But I’m reminded of the joy I remember in my mom despite the circumstances. Broken, yes. But joy, nonetheless.
Praying for that joy for you…
ugh. i’m so sorry to hear about your dad’s painful choices… and i am challenged by your words about your mom. thank you for praying for joy for me. i need that.
I am forced to restore what I did not steal. Psalm 69:4
This kept me going after the day “he” showed up at counseling and had taken his ring off. For the weeks previous to that- “he” had been in an adulterous affair too – though he had been going to counseling.
How do you spell L-O-U-S-E
I thought I was going to crack into a million pieces.
Keep telling your story. Keep pushing through the past wreckage because I promise you I PROMISE you that there is freedom on the other side of it…AND there is freedom as you walk through it too…
As they passed through the valley of Baca [weeping] they made it a valley of SPRINGS… Ps 84:4
May you too find refreshment all along this journey sister.
Oh p.s. and if I could virtually – or Actually kick your particular LOUSE in the tookas, I would wear very BIG BOOTS to do so.
punk. he’s a punk.
what Ric said.
that verse—forced to restore what i did not steal—reminds me of matthew 25:24 — “harvesting where you have not sown and gathering where you have not scattered seed.” from what the enemy has intended for my harm, He will reap for my good…
amen!
In three mornings, the year will be behind you… Three mornings.
feel so loved that you remember.
It’s on my calendar. I know how important ‘dates’ are for those who’ve experienced nightmare days…
this is SO incredibly RIGHT on. Please set this in your ical every year :) it absolutely stands in the face of fear, doubt, and distrust. I am overwhelmed when love is so thoughtful.
Heather – I started a calendar called “birthdays” with the intent of doing them and anniversaries… but sadly started adding deaths and miscarriages and such as well.
Google calendar gives me a feature that puts EVERYTHING on annual repeat, as well as auto-reminders: two weeks before, and two days before.
If my friends are going to remember, I want to remember with them…
If I had to pick one, I’d rather my friends remember those nightmare days.
You’re a great friend, Mandy.
i pray that God heals the pain with the healing balm that only He can give. i pray that one day, you will be able to look back, not in pain, but with a sense of strength, knowing that you do deserve someone who will love you with his whole heart, not someone who is sharing his heart with another. i know it will take time and process to get there….
in the mean time….my prayers are shooting up in heaven faster than an email asking Jesus to embrce your heart and treat you tenderly from now till then.
*embrace.
I am sorry that you had to go through that. I pray that God will bring total restitution to your life.
for some reason, the word “restitution” really got me.
thank you for that prayer, rand.
You are such a beautiful soul Alece! I love how you are so willing to share the pain you have experienced (and are still experiencing). You are an amazing person and I am a much more blessed person since getting to know you on “the internets” :-)
Sending big hugs your way this week…
Karen
I marvel at your strength, endurance, relentless authenticity and ability to keep on keepin’ on. You are a jewel…rare, rich, and beautiful. I am hopeful for beauty instead of ashes…
Much love, my friend.
Love u Alece
“I’m free”
My mind resonates with that statement, even in the midst of your grappling….
Thank God.
I remember past moments when I was truly hurt, overtime I have seen how it has made me stronger as you have said the wound is still healing even a couple of years later, but I know this will make me stronger. Each time I am reminded of when God broke my pride it gets easier to bear less lumps in my throat (I get those when I am holding back tears). Before I knew it, this wound is almost a scar. It is still there and still happened but it doesn’t hurt as much.
No words right now…only prayers for you.
How my heart hurts for you. Grieves for you. There is a reason God says He hates divorce. Many reasons, actually, but that’s not my point. I can’t pretend to have walked in your shoes, but I too get angry when someone hurts my friend. Makes me want to lash out too. I’m so sorry you’re having to walk this path, but glad to see the support and encouragement you’re receiving from all sides. Soak that in, and sit in the truth that God places us in a body of believers so that we can do all those “one anothers” with one another.
On another note, step back today and realize that going back to that raw emotion can be a tool of Satan to reinforce all the lies you believed about yourself for so long. Choose to stand in the truth – You are loved. You are chosen. You are worth it. You are desired. You are beautiful. You are whole. You are complete, lacking in nothing. You are His!
Holding your heart gently in my hands, wishing I could be there to sit with you today.
Love and hugs from VA.
trying to find that balance (or rather wrestle with the tension) this week of facing/feeling so i can grieve/process and standing in the God’s truth for me. thank you for praying for me as i walk this out…
This was sad to read because of how badly I treated Dan. But that last sentence made me feel hopeful.
I also remember you reaching out to me maybe knowing that I was treating Dan the way you were being treated at the same time. I would have thought someone hurting would only have hate for me but I am seeing Gods grace covering us all. I love you for this and many more things. You have a special place in my heart Alece.
I feel for you so, Alece. There was such double-mindedness from what you describe. Its interesting that you describe yourself as free. There is also a captive:
“Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will.”
2 Timothy 2:25-26.
There is but one enemy. Praying that you will continue to be alert for his schemes.
From Rilla of Ingleside by L.M. Montgomery:
“…These are two years I thought would be filled with fun.”
“Would you exchange them — now — for two years filled with fun?”
“No,” said Rilla slowly. “I wouldn’t. It’s strange — isn’t it? — They have been two terrible years — and yet I have a queer feeling of thankfulness for them — as if they had brought me something very precious, with all their pain. I wouldn’t want to go back and be the girl I was two years ago, not e en if I could….And still” — Rilla gave a little apologetic laugh, “I don’t want to suffer anymore — not even for the sake of more soul growth. At the end of two more years I might look back and be thankful for the development they had brought me, too; but I don’t want it now.”
“We never do,” said Miss Oliver. “That is why we are not left to choose our own means and measure of development, I suppose. No matter how much value what our lessons have brought us we don’t want to go on with the bitter schooling….”
(from rilla of ingleside by l.m. montgomery)
Mmmm…. that LM Montgomery knew her stuff.
Are you another Anne Fan? (quite easily my favorite reads! the whole series, including this one!)
I love all LMM’s stuff. Anne, Emily, Pat…The Blue Castle is a favorite stand-alone book. Also Kilmeny of the Orchard.
Love that quote. I totally get that.
love me some anne-with-an-e!
“I don’t want to suffer anymore — not even for the sake of more soul growth. At the end of two more years I might look back and be thankful for the development they had brought me, too; but I don’t want it now.”
mmhmm. me too.
Um, have I ever mentioned how beautifully brave you are. I mean really, you just put it all out there – knowing that any one could weigh in with their view of your grief or what they thought about how you handled things. That takes some major guts.
Because for me, when you take that risk of being transparent, it encourages me to do the same. And when I want to cower instead of face something head on, I am reminded of your chutzpah on this blog and I’m starting to just deal with things or let them go (depending on what the situation calls for) – and really, I’ve got you to thank for that, so thanks.
And I have such joy that you’re free now – because although I’m sure your ministry was wonderful before, I can’t help but think that God must be all big chested proud watching the way you’ve taken the shame that satan has tried to heap on you to keep you silence and you’ve plowed right through that (maybe it didn’t always feel that way) and now you’re such an encouragement and inspiration to others. And now, you (and your ministry) will really begin to bloom – beyond your wildest imagination.
So thanks, Alece. You da bomb. :-)
i love that you said i have “chutzpah!” ha! ;)
(thanks, ingrid!)
while i HATE that this happened to you, i am thankful to get to learn about you and in doing so know how to pray for you. if there’s anything else i can do… let me know. love you much.
Why would He have provided healing if we were never going to be hurt? Your heart is held gently before the Father in my hands of prayer this evening.
Amen to Freedom! Praise God!! Way to be strong, girl!
Hi Aleece, you probably don’t remember me but we had dinner several years ago with Leon and Audrey DeHaan in Grandville, MI.
I am so sorry to hear about all that has happened over the past few years but it is obvious to see that God has His hand on you and is doing a beautiful work.
I’m praying for you.
Sue Cramer
of course i remember you! aren’t you and your husband geri & randy degood’s pastors?
so good to “see” you again! i’m really glad you commented.
thank you for your prayers, sue!
Yes! I miss-spoke, it was Randy and Geri that we met you through not Leon & Audrey.
We are not pastoring, haven’t been for 3 years now. Still keep in touch with Randy and Geri though from time to time, just love them!
What state are you living in? Sometimes I travel with Praise and Coffee sometime. it would be great to see you.
I’m so glad you will be able to go back to Africa again, I know your heart is there!
Much love,
Sue
praying hard.
FREEDOM! Oh yes! Sweet FREEDOM!
LOVE YOU! LOVE YOU! LOVE YOU! … and praying, too.
“Because I’m stronger. And I’m free.” mmmm…so refreshing.
Hugging you from here. I love you, ‘lece.
Let freedom ring. Let freedom’s reign IN YOU ring. Louder and louder. Sweeter and sweeter.
I had other things to say, but that’s what I’m sticking with for now.
I’m so glad you’re free, and that you feel free. I’m sorry you had to endure that. Just from my small fragment of experience, I know it’s gut wrenching, to completely understate it. Do you ever cringe in thinking what “she” may experience at his hands? It’s a weird, hard place to go, and neither can I imagine it from that perspective either. Just wondering.
So so thankful that God will deal with all of this for you. I know that He will be the Judge and a just sentence will reign. Thankful for your healing and that God has set you free.
Love you my friend.
My heart hurts for you, friend…
I just don’t have the words to express how much I love you, friend. I remember sitting and chatting on a hay bale at a Harvest Party at TM. When I think about you, I think of that hay bale and I think of your heart for God and your amazing passion to pursue your dreams and visions with a vengeance.
I am so very sorry that you had to endure what you did. I just love you…and no matter where I go or what I do with the rest of what God has of my life….I am always here to support you.
Yes.
I have come to the realization (in trying to put words to how it feels inside to be abused) that if it were put in physical terms, abuse is torture.
Not “torturous”. Not a metaphorical torture. I mean …
I mean having your fingernails ripped out, the skin peeled from your body, having your head shaved, making you walk naked and being laughed at, fed disgusting gruel and in such small amounts that you cease to look like a person any more; having your limbs pulled from your body, your bowels carved out of your body, your flesh burned with any substance imaginable, being forced to eat dung and then forced to say that you liked it … and all the while seeing the learing grin of your torturer saying, “I love you.”
That’s what it’s like.
It’s dehumanizing on a level that is barely imaginable.
And then … to add to all of this … having your mind fucked with in such a grotesquely twisted way that you start to believe that you actually did something to deserve it; that the torturer is justified and you are condemned.
Just thinking of the level of insanity and brutality that is inflicted on the human soul … it is amazing how much passes off for ANYTHING justifiable.
I want to say that I’M SORRY that you were ever treated in this way. I want to tell you that there is NO justification ever for that kind of brutality on the human soul. I want you to know that there is NOTHING you did to deserve being treated in such a fashion. I thank God you are free.
And I know there is a Restorer.
(PS: I hope it’s okay that I used that word. If you feel the need to edit this, I give you full permission.)
Oh, precious girl, my tender heart breaks with your tender heart. A verse that I clung to and repeated every single morning for who knows how long. The Lord recently brought it to mind again:
Psalm 46:5, “God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day.”
He is within you. You have not fallen (though some days I know it feels like you’re merely crawling.) He will help you at the break of every single day just as he has for the last year.
You’re doing it, Alece. You really are. Press on.