iMiss
March 15, 2010
My heart is tender these days.
I miss people I love. I miss things I value and places I cherish. I miss hope, security, roots. I miss a sense of home and a feeling of being someone’s someone.
I also find myself missing people I’ve never met and things I’ve never had.
Does that sound crazy? Maybe it does. But I know it to be true.
It is possible to miss what I’ve never experienced.
Almost as much as I miss what I have experienced.
Sometimes the aches are similar. And equally deep.
Sometimes they are so intertwined I can’t separate them.
Sigh…
What do you miss?
I miss you…even though we’ve never met. TRUTH.
sigh… thank you, angie. really.
This blog echos my heart these last few days. Raw. Tender. Exposed. Vulnerable.
Blah.
These are times when pride wants to well up and say “i’m fine” and God quickens my heart to say “lean on me” These are times when I long for people, yet during these times people suddenly…. disappear.
Knowing this I hesitate to ask, knowing my heart will again be aching with the longing of physical arms, a gentle word, a tender touch…and fearing disappointment.
You see, i miss having someone who knows my heart, my intentions, my deepest yearnings who trusts me …. and God in me.
I miss….having someone to share the deepest part of me with knowing they will still love me.
Once again I embark on the journey of disappointment, and loneliness until I am reminded that all I need, all I want is right here with me. That my Daddy is the only arms that can truly hold me and provide the unconditional love and protection I long for….
He is all I have, He is all I need, my <3 is in His hands.
i am so appreciative that you commented, june. i know you can relate with so much of how i feel… thank you for letting me know where you’re at. i’m praying for you.
mmm, i wish i could give you a big hug….i love you and am so thankful that He is giving you that unconditional love.
Well said…the missing ache is one I know well. I’m new to missing those I’ve not met but have just begun experiencing it and it is awful. I miss having my parents around to watch my girls grow up, my sweet friend in the midwest, the ability to sleep peacefully, easily getting into low cupboards, and the smell of spring in the air (but hopefully not for long). I didn’t realize that I missed these collectively until you asked; thanks for making me think.
I miss Taco Bell
How’s that for superficial?
I also miss Walmart, Yankee candles, Starbursts, and Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. I miss the feel of soft, clean carpet under my feet, flipflops that fit my big feet, and finding them at good prices.
More than that, I miss English church. Singing and preaching in my own language is extremely precious to me now–I don’t know if I’ll ever take it for granted again.
I also miss my Mom and my sister and her babies. I miss them more during the holidays.
I also miss English church! I have lived in Japan for 6 weeks now and I have yet to find a church… period.
the bible college my husband attended has a lot of students from japan. you could contact them and they might be able to help you find a church there. here’s the website. http://www.portlandbiblecollege.org/
Where in Japan are you? A few of my friends just started a Church in Nagoya.
I am in Sendai. It is north of Tokyo on the pacific side.
your list is wonderful. and are lots of the same things i miss when i am back home in africa…
Definitely doesn’t sound crazy. I miss who I didn’t meet. A lot. I’ve spent a long time trying to get through missing who I didn’t meet. Maybe I won’t ever stop missing? Not sure. And I miss sharing simple moments with someone.
I hope that you will feel His presence right now more than ever. This is my prayer and hope for myself too.
Good morning Alece,
I miss having a woman with a soul and a heart of forgiveness. That is what I miss.
And yes…our aches are similar.
I miss the moments in my kid’s life that have whizzed on by.
I miss….having friends close by. Real friends who don’t even have to ask, they just know. Girl time and talks at the coffee shop. I miss laughing so hard my side hurts……
“I miss laughing so hard my side hurts……” — mmmm…. meeeeee tooooo!
I completely get missing things you’ve never had. I feel that way too. My heart has ached for things, people, relationships, that I have yet to experience.
Right now, I am missing my nieces. I haven’t seen them since Christmas. I will see them in two weeks. Count down is on.
Oh, and I miss you too!
I so understand the tender heart. I so understand not being able to separate desires and ‘misses’. I miss things I’ve never had sometimes too (especially now). I miss what I could have that I may never have. I miss being someone’s someone. Sigh. But mostly, I miss passion in my daily life and a drive for my work.
I also miss you….alot.
sometimes i miss my relationship with God…you know…when you thought things were going so smooth…
ouch. yes. i know exactly what you mean!
I miss a lot of things these days.. I guess moving to another country does that to you.
I really miss my family and my BFFs and I miss you (not lyin’) and Africa.
i understand the deep missing you’re feeling. that transition to life overseas can be a rollercoater of emotions.
It sounds ungrateful to my ears when I hear it, and it’s almost too sad to write it, but I miss the babies we don’t have and maybe never will. Trying to heal from that, but it’s 2 forward and 1 giant one back.
i so appreciated your gut-level honest reply. thank you, johanna. praying for that deep heart-ache of yours.
This reminded me to pray extra for you!
there are days when my heart will literally ache with sadness over those i miss and mourn for times that are no more. today is actually one of those days. i’ll be praying for your heart.
“today is actually one of those days” — i hate that for you. praying…
i miss having a friend i can call and talk for hours to.
I still miss my grandfather even though it’s been 16 years since he died.
I miss all of my friends. I used to see them all on a daily basis, but now it is different out of sight out of mind. It seems like I have moved really far away even though they are close
I can say my heart echoes alot of your sentiments up there. i miss you terribly and we’ve never met eyeball to eyeball; but I believe when you meet with your heart it’s so so much deeper.
I miss challenging pushes from God lately to write about.
I miss being challenged.
I miss the smell of a fresh cut lawn
I miss a strawberry milkshake
did I already say you FF?
Sometimes I miss…… me. Who I used to be. I miss
Me too.
sigh. me too.
oops- try number two!
I miss the empathetic heart I used to have, instead of the leathery one I feel like I’ve had to have for work in order to survive.
I miss being a freaking kid who just gets to run and play and swim and not have to worry about bills or relationships or stupid boys or where to live and what to do with my life.
I am missing a lot about myself and my childhood right now as I dig through it in therapy.
I went somewhere, but I don’t know how to get me back.
If ya find me, let me know.
( I miss you terribly. It was so good to hear your voice.)
I miss you! :) No question there. And, I love your precious, sweet, tender and amazing heart!
Sometimes, I miss the false sense of security I lived under. But, I wouldn’t trade it for what God has planned and what He is doing in our lives. Sometimes I miss what I would consider “stability” but I realize that that is kinda boring when God is in the lead. And, I am looking so forward to what He has planned that I find myself yearning for it to be here.
i miss living close to the people i love.
i miss getting to spend time with baby panda.
mostly, i miss being with david every day.
all of which are un-realities thus far. so you’ll forgive me if i leave your blog for a bit to go pout. :-)
I’ve been missing a lot lately. And I’ve been reminiscing perhaps too much.
I miss the sweet goodness of my old Bible study on Tuesday nights.
I miss sitting on the porch in Africa, listening to the African birds and feeling the warmth of the African sun and the coolness of the African breeze.
I miss having a home instead of a dorm room.
I miss my family that lives in that home.
And I miss having a couch.
I miss having someone to cherish life with and to talk to about everything in life. (though this is one of those missings that I’ve never really had, I just know that I’m missing it.)
And I miss the gumption I had in my faith 2 years ago.
I also miss you and I miss a nice soft American couch to sit on. The Japanese like everything to be firm. :/
I miss running. I miss the Philippines and my “family” there. I miss working in the camp kitchen. I miss alot of people who God has used to transform my heart.
“It is possible to miss what I’ve never experienced.”
I miss what I have yet to experience every. single. day.
I hear you on this one! My comfort rests in the fact that I serve the Alpha & Omega, the One who knows the beginning and the end, the One who I ask to place His own desires for me within my heart…knowing that He satisfies me, and as my Shepherd, He makes sure I lack nothing.
Wait. I don’t think it answers your question. Oy. I’m a bit too verbose.
Yes, it’s possible. :)
Does that sound crazy? Not at all and I’m right there with you on the….”possible to miss what I’ve never experienced”
Thinking about what you wrote got me thinking about how when I was younger I missed/wished for material things I didn’t have and thought I needed….but now I miss/hope for things I don’t have BUT know I need and not a single thing on that list money can buy.
I miss having friends…and more importantly, I miss my wife having friends. It’s hard to see her struggle with having no girl friends out here in AZ. I miss seeing her laugh with others.
I miss Fall in Asheville, NC. I miss mowing the backyard to relax (weird, I know.)
I miss what it felt like when I met Christ for the first time. Life has calmed me down…no good.
I’ve come back and reread all the comments several times but yours always jumps out at me and lingers. Each time I want to say “I’ll be her friend!” because I know what that feels like, to move somewhere new and not find fast girlfriends, and the ache it can cause. We move every few years so it’s something I’ve had to learn to get a grip on, but even still, it’s hard and the longer you go without it, the harder it feels like to step out and make those friendships.
I truly hope someone comes alongside her and that she finds a great friend where you are.
Brandy- thanks for you comment and well-wishes. I agree that the time makes it tougher. We’ve been here for almost four years and it seems to get harder and harder as the time passes. I keep praying that she’ll connect with some women here, and that God protects her heart in the meantime.
your heart for your wife got me all teary-eyed. thank you for that glimpse into how much you love her.
Thanks, Alece…she really is the jam. :)
Missing….
- conversations
-being known
-dreams i have not yet experienced or known
-vacations i haven’t been on
-life giving experiences i have known
-laughing hard
-sleeping late
-pretzing
-doing something that matters
-dancing nights
-mountains/14′ers/Denver Rio
-Starbucks Chai and mini scones (cups up if you had yours)
-time with El’z in fun places
-feeling secure, confident, and joyful
-thunderstorms
-checking things off my bucket list
-Summer BBQ’s
-sigh…imiss just you
you
africa
traveling
tulsa
summer
not going to hillsong united in chicago
your blog is sweet! looks so professional. i love the new buttons or whatever they’re called!
thank you! i love them too. cross & crown (who built the store, too) did a great job with them! it’s a temporary “botox” treatment while The Grit waits for her full face lift! ;)
Right now I miss the warm feel of the sun on my skin, and how it makes me sleepy.
As much as I talk about how unhealthy my family is, part of me still misses them. Mostly I miss how it was before I knew how unhealthy it was…. does that make sense?
I really miss being around people who have known me my whole life. There is a girl here on base that I went to highschool with (crazy huh?!) and even though we weren’t friends in highschool I find myself feeling happy to be around someone who knew who I was before being a wife and mother. I’ve recruited her to our MOPS group which makes me SO happy! ;o)
i understand what you mean about missing your family even though there is so much unhealthiness there.
i love you, raisin. i’m so glad i’ll get to see you in a couple months. so unbelievably glad. we needed a do-over. ;)
do-over indeed! I should NOT have “met” anyone at that point in life. haha! I am so glad for May!!
I know what you are saying about missing family because its unhealthy. I am thankful for the people in my life who have adopted me and shown me what healthy relationships look like, (ie my best friend’s dad who has demonstrated a father’s love and the Father’s love). But the ache to have that with the family I was born into is still ever present. I want for them to know me, I want to know them.
I miss…
you…and the conversations we haven’t had
my dad. He’s been gone 13 yrs. Sometimes it feels like forever, sometimes it still feels very fresh and raw. I grieve over the fact that my children didn’t get to know him
having my mom close by. She’s in TX, I’m in VA.
being in a place where the move of God’s hand is so evident and exciting. when you show up for worship and can’t wait to see what He’s gonna do
feeling like I’m on the top of my game
the body I had when I was 25, or 30. What was I complaining about? (I know, it’s shallow, but still true!)
Praying for you and for your heart. I pray that He will always keep your heart tender, but not sore. Praying that the ache will be replaced by joy and deep satisfaction in Him.
Love and hugs from VA!
wow. i love your list, terri. love it.
and the first one felt like a hug.
There are things that I miss that I have never had… which I always thought was strange but I’m glad to know I am not the only one! :)
I miss the years that we had lost track of each other. I miss the feeling of family that I had with so many people who just kind of faded away. I’m glad I found you again.
this was so, so sweet. thank you, mike. i’m glad we’ve reconnected too.
You.
Jacaranda trees.
Ouma’s rusks.
Melktert.
Sounds of 11 different languages on a Saturday afternoon outside the Spar.
i would PAY you to make me some buttermilk rusks if you know how to make them… i’m not even kidding.
mmmmm….me too!
ohhhh spar….
(( internet hug )) to you …
I’ve always heard, when God closes one door in our life, He opens another…
‘Xcept for no one tells us that in the process of going from what we have known to something we do not yet know…. there is often [......................................................................]
(the bracket above = a lot of TIME )
It’s sometimes painful in the [brackets] of our lives…
((another internet hug)) – you can never have too many hugs :)
“It’s sometimes painful in the [brackets] of our lives… ”
so well-said, friend. (i’m gonna email you – hoping to meet you up with you next time i’m in town!)
Yay-ness (that is yippee with an extra oomph!)
I also travel thru the ATL, so I’ll keep ya posted on if I come down South anytime soon :) yay-ness!
Thank you for writing this Alece. Was thinking for a while that I was “crazy” for missing people I’ve never met, places I’ve never been, experiences I’ve never had. It is just as real as missing the people, places, experiences and things around you.
I find myself missing people who I’ve met online who have a heart after God and desiring to change this world.
Provinces (I’m from Canada), states, countries that I’ve never been to… for reasons that I can’t even begin to explain.
There’s more as well, but those are the things on the forefront.
It does bother me that I miss these people/things. Creates in me a longing for something more and different. It has caused me to be restless these days. Maybe restlessness is a good thing. Only time will tell.
In any case. Know you’re not alone Alece. And there are many who are praying for you – both near and far.
Be blessed
i think restlessness can be good, even though it’s uncomfortable. it can be God’s way of redirecting us.
one of my best friends just blogged about this: http://traceepersiko.wordpress.com/2010/03/11/restless-me/
I miss my mother.
And I miss security – or the sense of it – however false it was.
I miss relaxing in that false sense of security and taking it for granted.
I miss the “good mom” side of me that I say I am losing because of my situation –
I miss being innocent.
Oh I understand.
I miss joy.
I miss smiling more.
I miss laughing.
I miss being rested.
hmm…, how do i say this?
honestly~ i miss the innocence of a marriage where unfaithfulness was not part of my history. God is faithful and He’s at work, but I still miss it.
thank you for being brutally honest, nikkie. seriously. i appreciate your heart.
I miss you.
I miss NYC.
I miss Boston, despite never having been there.
I miss my dog.
I miss feeling like I’m actually working toward something.
And, uh…I miss my dad being a father…
your last one hit me like a punch to the stomach. because it resonates so deeply with me.
i’m sorry, ‘risa. and i love you.
I’m sorry this resonates with you. I love you.
You don’t sound crazy at all. I miss my youth…when it seemed like the world was my oyster. I miss the ability to make decisions for myself as opposed to having to consider someone else. ( I know that may sound reeeally selfish. This stems from my issues with having to move so much through no fault of my own.) I miss seeing friends and family. I miss face-to-face community. I miss singing and performing. On a lighter note, I miss sweets and fried food, as I gave them up for lent! :-) Last but not least, I miss YOU friend and am praying for your heart. Love you.
i totally understand what you mean about missing the ability to make decisions only for yourself. i’m right there with you so, so often.
and girl, how are you surviving in the south with no fried food!? ;) (couldn’t help it!)
love you.
i miss…
-falling asleep in the sunshine on my deck in africa and having the birds wake me up
-having my interns, my people around even just to do nothing with
-big hugs that are good for my heart
-that unquestioned confidence in my words when answering questions about what’s next
-the challenging days of work last week…this week seems too…easy :)
-a little kiddo on my shoulder singing hakuna matata
-conversations, hugs, moments, and love that have yet to happen.
I miss my sister – and wish she wouldn’t have turned her back on everything/one a year ago. I miss my Dad and my step-day and the days when I didn’t have to come up with a reason for why being twice widowed isn’t as bad as it sounds for my Mom. I miss blind trust and loyal friendships. And on a shallow note, I miss Gilmore Girls and Schweppes ginger ale.
I miss my mom. I miss being able to show up in a warm cozy house and everything was ready and done. I miss my mom being motherly. And I miss my pre mom death. Because after a tragedy nobody remains the same.
i miss friends ive never met.
like…a lot.
I am never somewhere that I don’t miss somewhere. Never with people that I don’t miss other people. My heart is cut up and divided all over this world. Missing something is a constant in my life. I miss mountains, oceans, people, tastes, smells… but mostly people… relationships.
I think, I think I miss heaven. Haven’t been there yet, but I miss it. When we get there, we will stop missing people… everyone all together in one place, and without sin! No broken relationships.. no being careful… no culture confusions… no goodbyes…
that is what I miss most.
and I miss the smell of pines on a rainy day high in the mountains
I miss the feeling of safety that I used to have and the peaceful sleep that came with it.
I miss being able to easily discern when God is talking to me.
I miss feeling like the work I do holds a greater purpose than just bringing home a check.
I miss Conan O’Brien and his exceptionally fine head of hair.
Mostly, I miss the days when I didn’t have so much to miss.
“Mostly, I miss the days when I didn’t have so much to miss.” — well said!
ohhhhhhh. I so miss the people I love too!!!! SOOOOOOO MUCH!!!
I have found, that sometime I just can’t go there. I started reading comments, and half way thru realized it wasn’t a good idea. I find it very easy to see my lack, and not recognize my blessings. I complain more than I encourage, I nit pick instead of praise.
Thinking about how I miss certain friends, makes me unable to truly value friends I do have, even if they’re not “best” friends.
Thinking about how my husband is not the person I envisioned I would marry, doens’t talk about God or feelings or… does not help me think about the good things that he IS.
THnking about how I’m fat does not help me get thin. It just makes me eat more.
But… I certainly understand those aches. I remember quite clearly the ache and longing I had for marriage and children, and the frustration and anger of watching all the others, younger, getting it before me and wondering what was so wrong with me. I still have anger at God about those times when I feel like he abandoned me. I mean, seriously, why should I not have had a youth group to grow with, that I had longed for since age 4. I miss church family the likes of which I had as a teen. I don’t miss the betrayal or abandonment I feel/felt when they basically drove my parents away. And forgot about me.
So while I’m usually all too eager to dwell on things I miss, I have found I really just can’t. Shouldn’t.
Instead, I find this more helpful. For me. Phillippians 4:8 Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.
Everything you just said, I miss, too.
And I have a feeling after I really do meet you in person, missing you again will ache even more. But it will be worth it.
i know i am gonna miss you so much more after april 16th!
I almost cried when I wrote that comment because I felt it so much. Wanna just come live here? ;)
I realize that I’m a little that in commenting on this but just thought I would let you know that I can relate. I posted this question on my blog last year about this time. “how is it possible…to miss something so dearly that you’ve never had and ache for something you’ve never experienced? ” I can’t understand what you have experienced but I am all too familiar with the ache as a single woman still hoping…..
that sums it up exactly!